[Taonuviel]

Ok, so I can't find any - applicable to me, anyway. So I'm thinking if you're in a mood like me, this topic could be triggering... but if you're not... I dunno, maybe you can encourage each other with reasons. I say each other because I don't believe there's any reason for me, personally - at the same time I believe every other person on earth has at least some sort of redeeming value and potential... or maybe I don't... I seem to be losing value on human life... can't decide. I ask anyway.

[atrester]

I guess I have to say because I have been at the bottom of the barrell and thought that way and still I am here. Yes I have had some heartache--WAY more than my share If I do say so myself, but I have also been blessed with a lot of wonderful things. I have taken to writing them down when I do recognize them so on bad days I can read the list and remember what matters. I like to think that because we are talking about it and reaching out to anyone we are proving that our lives do matter to us. The fact that you want to find reasons means you DON'T really want to end this life as hard as it has been.

Just my thoughts after a long life of pain and sorrow--joys and triumphs.

-Anne

[LadyDragus]

Everyone has a redeming value no matter how bad off we may seem or get from time to time..

Trust me on this one.. I have been at the bottom way to many times to count, but I have picked myslef back up, and started walking all over again..
We just have to look over what is good about us, I know sometimes that is very hard, and sometimes we do not think there is a way to find a good thing about ourselves but there is..

1. Make a journal of how you feel day to day..
Put in it why you feel this way, what makes you want to die, what makes you want to live all the good and all the bad..
2. Find a good email buddy, and have him or her to the same thing and share it with them, so you have contact with someone other than faimly that will understnad what you are going through..
3. Talk to a therapist or a counsler depeding on your age, income ect..
4. Lest of all, talk about what is buggin you, tell us so we can help.. ok

Welcome to the fourms..



<font color=purple>
The light is around me now
I see it so clearly now
I feel him in my heart
Lord God has set me free.
Let me rejoice in you
Let me be free
I love the lord God.
I have been Saved by your Grace and love today...04/11/04

[troubled1]

I just wanted to say that we all have our reassons for being here... Some more Prevelant than others but some are not we must be strong and keep pushing ahead ..... I know this is hard because I am living with it everyday I get up and ask the same question and then my oldest comes home and Say's to me I have an "A" for the school year in math and I made National Junior Honor Society...
Then I realize why I am still here to help my other two younger girls to grow up the same...
But it sure is not easy... I just got home from the hospital and my son broke both bones in his arm....
I am sooooo Tired sometimes I don't know which end is up.... But I know I am here for a reason and I have to fight to keep going...
Be strong and hang in there.... Troubled1

[(JD)]

Hello, and welcome. You did right to put the trigger sign up, though your post isn't nearly as dark as many we post.

<font color=blue>Sorry you are in the swirl of dark nothingness. I understand exactly where you are, I'm wondering why I haven't bumped into you in this darkness...

It isn't because of ME that I'm still here. It's because of my T.... because he has invested sooooo much time and caring for me, I give him the final chance to talk to me... and he strings me along in life (as I go kicking and screaming)

Posting here, and going to chat room and waiting for someone can help when you think you just can't go on. There are plenty of understanding ppl here.

<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>

[hamstergirl]

Before I answer, I should add I now have 5 allies in total in the outside world, Doug, Father Lindsay, a woman who is a cashier in the church bookstore, a woman who I offered assistance to a week ago) and Frank. Frank runs the Church library and now he's in as deep as Doug. If I need to talk, I can talk to him and that's saying something, because outside of writing, I can barely talk at all. (My speech is unaffected by my disability, so...that means the MONSTER'S running things!)

It was Frank who put the question to me: "What was the one quality about myself that I didn't want to see destroyed in a suicide?" I still don't have an answer to the question and I am still in a deep depression.

For you, I can only say this, there has got to be one person in your life that doesn't want to see you die by your own hand.

If you can't think of anyone, then I do not want to see you die. Your life is valuable, even if you don't believe it right now. Mine, on the other hand, isn't worth spit.

Of course, living for someone else isn't enough, at least I don't think it is. Pondering on the question that was put to me might be worthwhile.

One more thing to consider. I have lived a terrible life. I know this from experience. Death is not a beautiful thing. It is cold, dark, frightening and painful beyond belief. I could tell you stories of how I came close to death that would fill you with terror until the day you died.

It is to be resisted. It is a natural part of life, yes. But one does not run into its' arms and quietly embrace it as one would a lover. That is not the way is was meant to be. It is not right.

There are other ways of battling a depression. These are not easy and it may take some looking. I am fighting the battle myself day by day and hour by hour and it is HARD!!! It was easier to reach out for help when I was in physical agony than it is now. Now I just want to sleep.

But you have to believe and I have to believe that this battle is worth fighting, that this battle is worth winning. Because if life is not worth fighting for, what is there left to fight for?

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.

[Taonuviel]

Well... I guess what I keep living for is people - though it's not always enough. Maybe if someone needed me - like a child - but no one actually needs me. There's a few who'd be pretty hurt if I killed myself, sad if I died. There's a few people who'd be devestated... of course I don't see in myself whatever they see. Feels like I've pretty much ruined whatever potential I had - which then again may not have been much coming out of the abuse peers gave me.

Really not afraid of death... I kind of hate to admit it - not because I'm ashamed of my faith, but because I'm such a poor example of it - but I'm a Christian. I'm entirely confident I'm saved, and don't believe suicide would exclude me from Heaven - unless maybe I was living in total rejection of God - and I wouldn't do that. Not even in suicide... I guess it'd just be the result of this disease... if that's what it is, and not just my own stupidity. I don't think I've ever feared death.

If you can't think of anyone, then I do not want to see you die. Your life is valuable, even if you don't believe it right now. Mine, on the other hand, isn't worth spit.
I tend to think of it the other way around... I guess that's common enough in self-haters who are at least somewhat of a nice person. Feel like a hypocrite, though, thinking like that.

[somebody]

I too have been dealing with this a lot lately. I was in the hospital for 4 days last week...started ECT on Wednesday of last week and I was suppose to follow through with it this week but just couldn't pull myself out of bed to make my appointment on Wednesday of this week. Now I will have to start all over next week with the ECT.

I still wonder why I even bother with the ECT... and why I bother to tell my therapist why I feel the way I am feeling and end myself up in the hospital. It really is a waste of my time and a waist of everyone elses time. If not for my own kids no one even would have missed me. Well my sister missed me but she would have got over it soon...like every other death in a family .... it passes with time and we all move on.... Why am I so damn stupid to have to tell on myself on how I am feeling instead of just going and doing what I really want to do.... I'm sorry about the content in this message....

[darkeyes]

Hey, I do not know about you, but just knowing I have a child (now a teen) stopped me from literally pulling the trigger, then I volunterily signed myself in for treatment, I will not say I have not had hard days since then, but I went with the "program", got my priorities straight. . . my kid comes first. Also after losing my beloved dad in 2002, I sort of got a deeper meaning of life and how short,sweet and bittersweet it can be.
Takes a lot of work, but you CAN get through this.
I guess 10 days in a psych ward sort of changed my mind of life or death, when we die that is the end. . . final.
If we choose to live there are many possiblities, even if they do not come right away, they do come

DE

In giving advice seek to help, not please your friend
SOLON

[somebody]

I have two kids... one that will be 22 in Sept... and she will be a mom for the second time in July and a son that is 19...I do think of them and what it would do to them if I did something to myself... but then there are the moments that it really don't matter.
I went to a wedding on the 8th of May and being alone the whole night really made my depression worse. It was my brothers wedding and even he didn't talk to me that night or the night before. We drove the two hours, stayed in a motel, and the only one I spent my weekend with was my grandson.... Yes, I love my grandson very much but I do know that if I were to leave his life now he is young enough it woudn't make much of a difference. Maybe I should have stayed in the hospital a little longer...and got through some more of the ECT before going home but it just was not a place that I really felt like I needed to be and didn't talk to anyone there any way so why not come home and spend the time alone like I was here.
I think I'm at a point that I can talk myself into death faster then life right now...not a good time for me to be talking to anyone.... sorry for the depressing point of view.

[texdave]

When I was sitting in the car with the door closed and and the engine running in 1988 a though crossed my mind through the fog. What if this doesn't relieve my pain? What if it's worse when I go? None of my other escapes had worked, why should this one? So I went from looking for a reason to live, to looking for a reason not to die. The thought of the pain and anguish I would cause my mother crossed my mind, the though that it might actually kill her. We tell ourselves that nobody cares, nobody REALLY cares if I live or die, why should I? That is an outright lie that I have told myself to justify my self-centered self pity (part of my disease, not a moral failing). The reason I know that it's a lie is that I care about you and everyone on this forum. Total strangers, yet if it was in my power, I would heal everyone here. And if I care, I know there are others who do, otherwise this forum would not even exist. It is possible to overcome depression, to one degree or another. Thousands of people have. Perhaps you have a purpose in life, to climb out of the hole so you can reach down and help pull someone else out. You have helped me by simply posting your feelings here. Here on earth, all we really have is each other. We need each other even if we don't like to admit it. Thank you for reminding me.

[hamstergirl]

MAJOR BIG TIME TRIGGER------TRIGGER




My only reason to live right now is five hundred miles away and I'm sorry to say they're not my folks, but Doug, a high school philosophy teacher.

He literally saved my life tonight when I phoned him and told him what I was going to do to myself. I told him I was going to reap the reward I so richly deserved in life, for everything I had done to my parents as a child. (I was sent away to a psych institution when I was seven by my folks. I lived there for nearly two years.) I've always felt myself to be a freak and a bad person for it and tried to figure out why I was sent there. The psychs at one hospital think it was simply because I was a handful and my parents couldn't handle me,but the depressed mind can dream up some pretty warped reasons. And even though I've suffered unbelievably and am suffering now (I'm on morphine just to sit up), I feel no punishment can right the wrongs I have done towards my parents; parents who screamed at me and professed their disappointment in me, constantly and who are telling me to pull myself up by my bootstraps and get on with life and stop blaming the doctors who screwed up on me. They would feel pretty free to blame me if I died, wouldn't they? It would be just another tragedy inflicted on them in their long tragic lives and it was always my fault.

I feel so guilty over it all, I'm seriously thinking of ending it all in ernest. Doug talked to me, dear sweet man and his words were so healing. He said I deserved to be loved and that I was a gift to my parents. He talked me down with gentleness and love, but now the depression is creeping back in. The darkness is returning. Doug is the one of the few reasons I would want to stay on this Earth, but the depression is making that very, very, very hard.

Should I get another suicidal urge, I will not be calling 911, because then they will haul me away on a stretcher (they have to, I'm in a wheelchair) and being in a hospital messes with my mind. Because of multiple surgeries, I now think of them as dangerous places where people go to get massively hurt. And I hide my fear fairly well. They aren't laying a finger on me, and a crisis line has a direct line to the ambulance, so they're out too.

My shrink said "Get into trouble-call 911." Well what if I don't? Then what's he gonna do? Pray for my soul probably. It's not enough that I'm paralyzed by this, I have to prop him up too. There's a competant shrink out there with expertise to solve all my problems...in the hospital. I was hoping to spare myself weekly trips into H*ll. My life is H*ll right now, even though the morphine is WORKING. I don't want those...people anywhere near me...anyone in a white coat, medical, psychiatric or otherwise. One side destroys me physically. The other bunch takes me away from my mom and dad for a year and a half and does who knows what...I know they force fed me at one point. All with my parents' blessing.

I'm a screwed up freak who doesn't deserve to live. So I know of one very compelling reason to die. My parents didn't love me (I don't blame them). Why should anyone else? That's another. I'm a burden on society eating up valuable resources...number 3. I will remain psychologically screwed up until I die, number 4. My medical future looks no better than the psychological. number 5. I did something horrid as a seven year old and ought to be put to death, number 6.

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.

[Rapunzel]

Michelle,

That Doug sounds like a smart man, to recognize the potential in you and that you are worth saving. I hope that you listen to him.

It sounds like your parents didn't know how to love you. That is a fault with them, not you. You deserve to be loved. You have so much to give back to society. Your talent as a writer is incredible, and you have a message to give that will make the world a better place, as it increaces society's capacity to understand and to have compassion. What you will give to society is worth much more than whatever resources you consume. We all consume resources, but unlike you, some people don't even care about giving anything back. You do. Maybe your medical and psychological difficulties will affect you for all of your life, but you do not have to let them control your life. I don't know what you did when you were seven years old that you think is so horrible, but you were a child then and not even accountable yet for your actions. When have you heard of the death penalty being considered appropriate for seven-year-olds? Compare what you did as a child to the kind of crimes for which the death penalty is considered. Nowhere close! Canada doesn't even have the death penalty anyway, so why should you think that you ought to be put to death?

You are a valuable person, and people do care about you. I know it's hard to remember that, but please try.

<font color=orange>"If we are going to insist that people pull themselves up by their own bootstraps, we must ensure that they have boots."</font color=orange>