confessions of little turtle

ever since my first panic attack in 1973 I have been very afraid....I am scared of my own self...what a strange thing...I am very afraid of dying....I don't want to die...I don't really like this life very much but I don't want to die...

Hello little turtle, I am Turtle_Rider.

Sorry can't help much, because I'm never use any drugs. When I'm too anxious, I practicing a breathing technique to calm myself down. When I'm scared, I always try to find smallest thing to make me happy, like eating my favorite food, watching my favorite cartoon, playing with pet turtle and try to not thinking about it. I try to think all things that make me happy, or at least try to distract it.

Of course it does not cure, but at least I can be happy and forget of all problems for short time.

dear turtle_rider........that sounds like it would be helpful

I am an old unhappy man...I don't like this life....but I would like to do it again...
this time I would be a psychiatrist that would never ever prescribe psych drugs..
I would definitely speak out about the dangers of psych drugs....I would be very loving
and probably not charge very much...I love to truly help other people..that is what I would do..

in my real life I got sucked up into a system that was harmful and hurtful..
I hated it...it was not right....the patients were the ones that suffered...
I am feeling bad about all the harm I caused my patients..without even knowing it..
i believed what they told me...but it was wrong...I am sorry...I got hurt in the process because I was a patient also...

I love sugar....I want more
I love coffee...I want more
I love alcohol...I want more
I love benzos....I want more
I hate walking..

I need to talk more and use less drugs...
I need to love and be loved....

I am going to talk more now...I need to...
I need to tell my truth...
I was screwed by the psychiatry system...
I believed them about the drugs...
it sounded so good...
but I am finding that presently psychiatry is sick and drugged
I cant believe what anger I have about what is going on today...
$$$$$$$$$$$$$rules psychiatry

I am withdrawing from celexa 10mg to 5 mg...this morning I just took a 5mg valium...I haven't had any valium for a couple of months....I still am keeping a supply of valium in case I get too agitated....I never ever want to go back in that hell hole of agitation and depression and FEAR.....this mental illness stuff is terrible....I have seen it in my patients and myself....we need to stick together and talk about what is happening...everything

I am not happy...much of my adult life has been suffering...
cant we come up with something better than these damn drugs..
these drugs are inadequate...I want to feel safe and secure.
I don't feel safe and secure...I am scared

I's so sorry you are suffering. I don;t really have any wise words to say...just a hug

I need to be loved too. No one loves me. I need friends. My fiance is so far away on some imp job and wont contact me or interact with me till his job is accomplished. I feel so sad.

I think psychiatric drugs help even benzos only anti-psychotics are bad. Mood stabilisers should do the job of anti-psychotics

That's like me and that's bad....

But my present meds are helping me. I m off anti-depressants and anti-psychotics. I take 2 mood stabilisers - lithium 400mg twice daily and lamotrigine 100mg; clonazepam 0.5mg coz i am having pulses of anger and quetiapine 25mg twice daily; at times i have to take paracetamol if i feel unwell - headache, nausea, breathing probs, energy loss or weakness etc.

when I was 42yo and broken down bad...it was the hell hole....I was just laying in bed and crying....I was hoping that I would die....I didn't try to kill myself...but I ended up not working for four long years....but I recovered somewhat and went back to work ...and here I am at 85yo and not wanting to die....what a life....I was on psych drugs too long...I wrongly believed that I had a chemical imbalance...

I wish I could speak out more here....I have watched psychiatry over 50 years become more of a business...it used to be a business.. but now it is so $$$driven that it makes me very angry....I want to speak out to all of you to let you know------don't let the system harm you....the psych drugs can be very dangerous....don't be hurt by them or the doctors....stand up for you and us....the change that needs to come back to a profession needs to come from all of us....I cry out for us...

I need to confess like this to tell you about my anger and sadness and fear......this is the way I will be less depressed...

there is so much misunderstanding of suicide....if I am extremely angry at other people who abuse US...why would I want to hurt myself or kill myself...it just doesn't make sense....I still am thinking about the idea that anger turned in towards yourself frequently ends up with us hurting us...what do you think....is this crazy talk..

I am furious.....I am beside myself with anger towards all the people that have abused me...anger doesn't really say it....

it is really helping me to direct my anger toward others rather than myself...I was screwed...and I am a good guy....there are so many bad a$$es out there...it is time to start returning psychiatry to a PROFESSION...that means DO NO HARM...

I am going to say more here...I have every right to express the thoughts and feelings that depress me....I have depression...I have a mental illness...I am going to give myself a medal of honor and bravery for coping with this illness for many years...I was not medicated as a child thank goodness....I am very disturbed about doctors giving psych drugs to kids for disorders that are still very questionable....we don't know what causes these mind and behavior problems...but we are learning....lots of kids are not being raised very well...and then they get drugged to fix a problem that will surface later....

I am very depressed thinking about what is happening to our children...we do not have to shut up about this...

I have failed to put my disabling breakdown in the past...I just cant do it..this breakdown puts me in the category of the untouchables...

I repeat an old saying-----------------------
the moving finger writes
and having written
moves on
nor all your piety nor wit
we lure it back to cancel half a line...
nor all your tears wash away a word of it..

and I would add no matter how angry I get it doesn't fix my problem

I have thought about how people kill themselves because they cannot deal with something..my cousin hung himself because he couldn't come out of the closet...
I wonder if my cousin ever thought about killing others not himself..

something happened today...I was talking with someone who has been friendly to me...
I mentioned that I saw a psychiatrist....I said I was on an anti-depressant....I confided that I had a history of depression....the so called friend was then very worried that because I was depressed that maybe I would be a potential killer...she was worried that I might be a killer....interesting....what people think about mental illness....I am afraid that people will kill me ....if a person with a mental illness kills ....it is probably going to be themselves....

bill we need to change things....we need to do it...