Daily Check In, ups and downs #18

I am overwhelmed. I don't see a way through or out. I had hope with contact from ex t, but I see it isn't going to work.

A pretty slow day today at work. The water came so that was good and it came first thing in the morning. I felt depressed at the end of the day. Took a bike ride after work. That made me feel a little bit better.

My friend and I got talking on the phone tonight. It went OK. He tells me that he misses me and the he wishes that I would come back to the church. I'm looking for another one for me to go to and it hasn't been easy. But I never felt good when I was going to that church he and I had been going to. It's like choosing between the lesser of the two evils - either to stay at that church and be unhappy or search for another one and have it take time to feel at home there if it could happen at all.

I hate this planet, can I leave once we're done terraforming Mars at around 2020 if I can even wait for that long? I want to leave many parts of society behind, but I'm not sure how to do it without losing the benefits of technology and a good paying job if I get it.

An alright kind of day. Did the shopping and housework, like always. My friend came over around noon. I didn't think that he was going to come to my area. He just called saying he was at a store near where I live. When I picked him up, he asked me if we could go to a place for lunch and then go to a Home Depot. I had bought lunch for myself (of course I didn't expect him to come to my area) and preferred to have him come to my place and have lunch. I didn't want to eat out for lunch. It worked out OK though I felt guilty for not wanted to do what he wanted.

But later on he got telling me that I need to improve with my personality. I seem to have a personality that makes me unapproachable from others, for many reasons. That seemed to have depressed me a whole lot. And then I got asking myself, "why have things gone so wrong in the last few years or so in my life?".

With now I'm home by myself and nothing for tonight, like always. I feel like this is a hard time of the week for me.

wondering if i'm actually alive

i'm wondering if i am, why the hell is my life so non existent

and if i am, would it matter if i left?

who could really care

Miserable. Tearful.
Feeling like I'm trash. Like I'm nothing.

Feeling ok. I've been off meds for over a month and no disasters. Had a bit of a dip the other week but I seem to have come out of it again. Considering doing it alone for a while and seeing how that goes. I have been on so many different meds over the last 6 years and got nowhere, but this is the best I have felt in such a long time. Maybe I'm finally over this..

Went to another church today and to one that I have never been to before. It was alright, but I feel like I want to give it another chance for next week and see.

Last night I talked to my friend and told him how I felt from yesterday when he had lectured me as to why people avoid me. I know that he had some valid points and that's the way I am. But I did feel very bad after our talk yesterday. When I spoke to him last night, he seemed like he was very sorry to have hurt my feelings. But, that's just him! That's the way he is! He is a very critical person by nature.

Went for a two hour bike ride today. Nothing much else happening today.

A lot of anxiety and uneasiness today-- no real reason for it, just an uncertainty and unfriendly feel to the emotions I'm experiencing today.

I hate myself. I hate feeling like this. I just want to go back to bed and sleep, **** having to be at work and having to do things. I just want to go away and be left alone. Why can't people see that? Why does everyone have to flock to me when I look like something's wrong? They think they can help but they don't. Just leave me to be alone and let me just die.

I wanted to learn some mental strength and avoid posting today - but I basically woke up miserable. Was anxious before 6am, and have been stuffing myself with sugar to keep that feeling of emptiness at bay. Talking online helps fill the void too.

Thank you for posting. To me, posting is not a sign of weakness. It is good that we can put our feelings into words. I am sending you a hug

It was not too busy at work today. It gave me some time to think on myself and I felt like that was getting me into trouble. I feel like some of my depression is coming back. Funny thing is that I've had depression over the years in September. I don't know why I should feel like that. I should be happy that summer is ending. I feel better in October, though.

i am extremely happy summer is ending!

bring on the autumn.. it's been far too hot

i've almost made it to the afternoon without 1 suicidal thought or any of the bad psymptoms

just 23 minits to go

I didn't read the original, but I respectfully agree... Posting is not a sign of "weakness"

...

Seem to be having a mixed bag of a day. I woke up not in the best mood, because I had a dream in which I overheard my dad say, very matter-of-factly, that he should have kicked me out when I dropped out of school two years ago. Then after having coffee I sort of perked up and was feeling okay for a while. (TW ahead for people with eating disorders) My mom told me we would be having 'breakfast for dinner', eggs, bacon, and toast. I somehow managed to work out a meal plan for the day including these things that amounted to less than X calories, which made me feel accomplished for a little while, because those foods are very calorific and fattening. Yet somehow I found a way to eat them and still be within my limit.

So I ate my saltine crackers and then got a burst of energy, which I decided to use for cleaning around my room a bit. Not five minutes in and I manage to break a glass figurine, which pissed me off so much I threw the figurine away, rather than have my mom fix it. I decided to take a break from cleaning for a little while. Then the second attempt, not even 30 seconds and I manage to drop my camera!! Thankfully it didn't break, though by that point I was livid with myself for being so clutzy, cursing myself in my head with every breath. I went on and rearranged a bookshelf, which I actually think looks pretty good now. But I still feel like a failure. For whatever reason, dropping things and being clumsy is not something I can easily forgive myself for! Now I've given up on cleaning any more today. So pathetically little actually got done, same as yesterday, no wonder I feel like I failed!

Oh, and I forgot to mention my grandpa randomly showed up unannounced right as I was getting my crackers. I hadn't even brushed my hair and I looked terrible. When he was about to leave the topic of my weight loss was brought up AGAIN, just as it is every time he visits. He said what he always says, "Soon you'll be trim and slim and I'll have to scare off he boys with my shot gun!" I know he doesn't mean it this way, but whenever he says that to me it's like saying "Too bad you're undesirable NOW". It triggers the hell out of me. I've gotten to where I just say automatically "Oh, don't worry, there won't be any boys!". He's 82, I understand he's from a different time, where commenting on womens' bodies was okay. But this is only one of the things that reminds me why I have to keep my calories below X a day. The fact that today this happened right before I was going to eat made it that much worse!

Then just a few minutes ago my mom asked for the last of my money so she and my dad can drink!! I now am broke! And I was planning on going to the dollar store this week to buy myself lip balm and a notebook. Maybe even a small something. Now I can't even have that.

I think I'm starting to unravel. I'm trying so desperately to hold on to something, to keep myself together, but it's so hard. Self-destruction feels like the only option. Sure, I can sit around and listen to my family and my boyfriend talk about how great I am and how much they love and care about me, but what does that help? I've been hearing it for months and I still feel miserable. I want to rip myself apart and scream and cry. I feel like I'm barely holding it together. How can everyone look at me and be so calm and sure that things are going to get better? Can't they see the pain I'm feeling, how much agony I'm in every day I get out of bed? How can they not understand?

I think I need someone to talk to. I need help. Everything is spiraling out of control, and I'm terrified of losing it all.

Hi, do you have someone you can call? If not, please call the suicide prevention number. Or even the Samaritans number in NYC. Wishing you everything good.

I don't think I do have anyone to call. Everyone will say the same things, it'll be ok, just use some coping skills. I don't know how it can be ok.

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Hi, ennui. I think your grandpa just feels close enough to you to make statements like that. It's not that it was ever ok to talk about women's bodies, so much as he's been there since you were born and he remembers you from ages you've forgotten, like your early childhood birthdays, etc. You are still a little girl to him.

Still smoke and alcohol free! It's been over a year! I am taking my meds, and feeling much better!

I just wish he didn't talk about it. Especially since he is SO wrong. I won't get boy's attention when I lose more weight. Know what I'll get? Loose skin.

Every time he says it it just rubs my face in the fact that I'm too ugly for romance, love, and sex... all things which I deeply need but have never experienced before, because of my disgusting fat body.

Loose skin doesn't seem to be a problem for some people so I wouldn't worry about that. You aren't too ugly for anything. Maybe there's a good way to ask him to please stop saying that. He thinks of the extra weight as baby fat, probably. Maybe you could just ask him not to comment on your weight or queues of boys, etc. It's an innocent mistake on his part.

Another slow day at work. I guess that's to be expected coming up on a holiday weekend. Though there were things to keep me somewhat busy. I felt a real bad depression as I got up this morning. Had some weird dreams before I got up.

I got feeling depressed when I talked to my friend last night. He seemed to pick up on it. At one point that got me depressed was that he asked about my arm and shoulder. I told him that it's feeling better but still bothering me. And then I said that I was thinking of working out with the weights today; but I feel like I shouldn't and wait until next week. He said, "don't wait too long to get back into working out". I don't know why he said that. I have been feeling envious that he and other friend of mine workout at the gyms and here I am sitting out with some pain. I wonder why it happens to me and not them.