Daily Check In, ups and downs #18

I've seen my own life, as well as the lives of others, after a loved one dies. Not even by suicide, but as the result of fatal illness. It has ruined us. All of us that I know are just in chronic decay because we couldn't just go back to "normal". So please discard the myth that others will be better off, or that they'll cope and move on. They won't. They'll keep dragging on, lame and sick. It won't be like in a movie. Real people never get over it.

It's the end of the day now. I worked out and it went well. Went to the pool area and it was terrible tonight. A big crowd of people. There were two couples there and they acted like I wasn't there. I'm never in a mood to have to be with couples. And then there was a table nearby taken by the people of the HOA. To me the HOA people seem like snobs. I've had so many nights previously of having it to myself.

I got an unexpected bill today. Like I really needed that.

Tomorrow morning I plan on going to the Men's Breakfast and then I'll work on my bike. I hope that both things will go well.

Saturday here and it's been raining for two weeks. My head feels like it is so full of ants scratching trying to get out .. 'wired' is an under statement. Have Valium for relief of these symptoms but last few times it's made the feeling worse. Sigh .. listening to Led Zeppelin now (LOVE this band) is helping me wind down a bit.

It's overcast here today but I woke at the first light of dawn anyway. I guess I'll have to take a nap later. I've been sleeping a lot, the past 48 hours. If I don't sleep it off, the tizanidine makes me physically exhausted the next day. My doc keeps not wanting to prescribe it. Maybe I can get the script from my pdoc. It's the only thing that puts me to sleep consistently.

It's morning and I already want to crawl back into bed. I'm fighting it.

Depressed today.

I got so drunk last night and I told her everything. I feel so ashamed.

Im sorry to hear that.



What of?

The horrible neighbors are blasting 70s jam bands from a record or radio program of live performances. Even though some of it sounds good, I resent the loud music being forced on me.

I have a 24/7 shaking thing going on. Lately, everyone I look at has also been shaking (my doc and pdoc). Actually the only person who didn't have the shakes is my friend. I don't know - what is it about me that could cause shaking? My pdoc also said something I don't want to post due to privacy concerns. It was not anything bad, just possibly identifying. So I have more questions I can never ask lol.

About a relationship with a man way older than me...

Oh... I never told/tell anyone about my past relationships. When I was 20 I fell hard for someone who was 14 years older than me. My mother saw him when they tried to hear our band play but were too late or something. She gave him a look of hatred - I have no idea why. But true all the same. Anyone I had any contact with became her mortal enemy.

The assholes downstairs are blasting the whole block with the jam bands records. I am so sick of having to live my life to their f****** soundtrack.

I'm just so much lonelier after my friend's visits. I get used to having a friend here very fast, because I need that so much. Then when he leaves I get so isolated and miserable.

I can't let it go anymore. Inside I feel like curling up in a corner and sobbing, but you'll never see it. I just can't let it out.

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I did go through with the Men's Breakfast this morning. It was OK but not a big deal. The place we ate at was expensive and wasn't worth the price(s). One guy arrived 45 minutes late and brought a friend. I thought that was inconsiderate of him to show up that late. And to have brought a friend when he didn't say that he was taking someone with him.

I got my bike fixed. So I'll go for a ride pretty soon. Very busy today but feeling very lonely. There looks like a party going on in the clubhouse at the pool area. It seems like that happens a lot during the summer months. I really hate summer and wish it were winter now. I feel like I have to put up with people at lot more during the summer; and that's why I hate it.

I plan on getting together with my friend tomorrow night at the beach area where he is staying. We'll probably go out to eat. I wish that we could do this tonight instead of tomorrow night. The reason I am going to see him tomorrow night is because his family is going out and he'll be alone.

Dealing with crap of my own making that is making me crazy! Didn't want to get out of bed today. Should have stayed there. I have no support system here!

I'm really upset about stuff that happened last week. I don't even want to try typing it. But everything is so bad. I have to move asap. But how? I'm so unhappy.

i am still not able to do much, but enjoying some quiet headspace.. no thoughts of suicide, or faking my own death, that kind of thing.

it's peaceful

I went to church today. It was alright, but not sure if I want to continue going there. The people are fairly nice; but the place doesn't seem too exciting.

I plan on going on a bike ride. It's nice that I got my bike taken care of yesterday. Later on, I plan to see my friend who had rented a beachfront condo for the weekend. The plan is to go out to eat and watch the sunset over the ocean. It's very rare for me to see the sunset over the ocean even though I live only ten miles from it. I hope it all goes well.

I called my sister this morning. Today is her birthday. She is 70 years old!
WOW!

I love my friend, but when I get off the phone with her I feel like my blood pressure is high.

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I feel fine because it is time to go to sleep.

I actually have felt pretty good emotionally for the past couple days, like dayum.

I feel almost like I haven't felt in ages... Lighter. No longer taking things/life/myself too seriously.

It stemmed, I think, from a sense of resolution and closure from a decision that I made that I would stop being upset about certain things I can't change. Serenity Prayer comes to mind (though I'm not Christian).

No, I'm not implying that I've simply decided not to be depressed anymore. I will probably be depressed again. But rather, I've stopped giving so much of my time and attention to things that have contributed to the depression.

I don't know where I will be, emotionally, in even an hour. But for right now, I am not depressed.

I feel like I'm drowning today. I just can't keep my head up to keep going. I wish there was something else that could make me feel like I did over the weekend, but I haven't found it yet. Or it would be nice if I could just keep using what I did this weekend, but that's never going to be a good idea.

I have been there and felt like this before ended up moving states starting over new playground barely any friends but much happier

I'm just frustrated and annoyed with everything and everyone.

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