I may be a self destructive arse

I've been hurt by a friend who does not understand what I am going through. I sent him an email trying to explain what is going on with me and he replied with some very condescending suggestions that really triggered me. I held off on replying, I actually wrote a reply and did not send it. I decided not to answer him. Then on Friday I decided that I should answer him so I wrote a new, shorter reply. I knew this was a mistake. It was. In response I got an email full of anger because my behavior has been less than satisfactory. I am very hurt because he is right, I have been nasty and snapping at people. I had asked for some understanding for this and instead I got anger and an implication--well, more than an implication, he basically outright said--that I didn't deserve understanding because of how badly I've been treating people. He's right that I have been treating people poorly. He's wrong that I don't deserve a break after an eleven year history of being kind and helpful to people, maybe they can understand that something difficult has been going on with me instead of just assuming I've suddenly turned into a horrible person and suddenly I don't care.

This has triggered me really really badly. I really regret answering that email and prompting his angry reply. I am in a tailspin. I hadn't been doing well before this. Part of my not doing well has been my grief over not talking to him so I thought reaching out would be a good thing. Instead it has made things acutely worse. Yesterday I couldn't get out of bed all day. I showered and dressed at 7pm (yes I am still pushing myself). My appetite went from poor to yesterday I couldn't eat anything at all--I tried making a sandwich at about 8 or 9pm (first attempt at food all day) and couldn't even finish it. I struggled to take my antidepressant but couldn't take any of my other meds at all. I don't have panic attacks but yesterday my anxiety level was so bad that I was physically nauseated from it.

So I did sleep well last night in spite of being in bed all day yesterday and I woke up early. I've been obsessed with reading his email over and over which is extremely unhealthy. To my credit I have not been acting on that impulse. I am obsessed with replying to the email which is what led me to send the previous email. It is the only thing occupying my brain so after a week or more I decided to try to get it out since writing but not sending it didn't help me.

So this morning I lept from bed again obsessed with answering this new email. I figured again it would help me to write it. I tried to make it very non-angry and simply apologetic and explanatory. Then I sent it. I know I should not have. It made me feel a sense of great relief to send it but chances are good I am going to get an angry reply back and I am going to be even worse off.

I can not stop obsessing about this, or about my job. or about my finances. When I was in partial hospital I worked very hard on separating these issues so that I could deal with them one at a time instead of being overwhelmed. Now they are combined and overwhelmed again. The person I am emailing is a friend (or was a friend) but also a coworker so my obsession and inability to deal with him and by extension my other coworkers has impacted my ability to get back to work (I haven't been to work more than one day a week for months, and the last two weeks I wasn't even in contact with them) so now that one issue with one freaking person that I can not get over is destroying my ability to work killing my position at my job and eliminating my ability to get my finances back under control (I am two months behind on paying my bills and rapidly depleting my savings... In fact I only have enough for about two more months.) I have thought about going on disability but fear that I won't be able to go back to work at all (the last time this happened I was unable to return to work and after a year of unemployment I had to find a new job... This job, which until now I have been successful at for eleven almost twelve years. This depression event is unfolding almost identically to that last one.) My anxiety and perseverating thoughts have been through the roof and I can't sleep and I can't get out of bed. I can't eat and I can't function. This weekend has been a nightmare just trying to stay afloat. I was on a hotline and my therapist is bumping me up to two days a week so it is not that I am not trying. Tomorrow I see my pdoc and I will talk to him about upping or changing my medication. I am reluctant to do that. I had this coming under control a few weeks ago. I want to be able to get it under control again. I haven't admitted to many (I have been open with my T about this) that this slide has been due to my inability to get my feelings under control with this one freaking person. I am seriously grieving the loss of this friendship and I'm partly though the anger stage but not over the grief yet. We haven't been speaking and since I was starting to feel better then started to backslide I thought the best thing I could do for myself was to make an effort to break the silence between us. We have to work together so it is not like I can just accept the silence as status quo even if it wasn't so uncomfortable.

How can I be letting one freaking person destroy my life and drive me to thinking suicidal thoughts? Please no cliches... Although I think I am acting self destructively in this regard it is not because I don't think I deserve better. In some ways I think it is because I do believe I deserve better. I have high regard for my value at work, and for my value as a friend, even though I haven't been myself lately. I know I shouldn't let one person bother me so much. I know his opinion is flawed, and that his anger at me is unfair, and that his expressing his anger to me at this time is cruel. Maybe not meant to be but it is. I know that.

Something in my personality and with this depression will not allow me to dismiss him.

It is a part of my personality that I am proud of... That I can accept criticism and not dismiss dissenting opinions... as is my sensitivity and empathy. I think these traits serve me well when I am healthy. But when I am depressed they conspire to kill me and they become a serious life threatening flaw. This weekend has been simply miserable.

I have nothing to offer, but I hear you.

Same here, hope you are able to work through it

Even though you've been depressed doesn't mean that this friend should take it out on you. You deserve support, not anger.

It's funny because twice in his email he wrote "I'm just playing devil's advocate" and then went on to criticise my behavior. I resisted the urge to write back "You keep using that phrase. I do not think it means what you think it means" Or "more 'devil' than 'advocate'.

My return email to him was not critical of his tone (or at least I tried for it not to be) because in spite of my own anger my goal is to return to work and try to get along with everyone.

As I type that last sentence I am hit by a wave of nausea again. I am so overwhelmed by this whole thing. I do not know how I will ever be able to get past it. I know it is possible but such a long road I've been on with this.

I think you should delete the email so you won't be so tell tempted to continue reading it over and over its not healthy to obsess over it. I don't think he should of been that mad.

Sent from my N817 using Tapatalk

I know I should delete it, right? Can't freaking bring myself to do it. I am an email hoarder (also a bit of a hoarder IRL) and it is just difficult for me to delete anything especially something with this much emotion in it.

In the past I've had other hurtful emails that I've kept and reread years later and it reminds me that I can get over this stuff so maybe one day these emails will do the same for me.

Oh Dexter, I am so sorry you are going through this. I can really hear your pain.

This is not your situation at all but about 10 years ago I was in a deep depression but was ignoring my symptoms. My father was very ill and my brother had tried to assault me over some family issues. I relapsed from my alcoholism and drank at my nieces wedding when I found out my brother would be attending. Badly. My sister and family were FURIOUS with me. After I got home she sent hate filled emails to me. I read and re-read them. I could not let them go. I wrote her more emails trying to get her to understand me. She sent more hate to me. I ended up in the hospital. I was so broken and down before the wedding and I just wanted everyone to understand that I was right and to understand me. It was never going to happen.

I was obsessed with those emails bc I wanted to prove something but I also felt so bad about myself. I eventually blocked my sister from my accounts and my life for a few years so that I could recover. In the grand scheme of things, my behavior at the wedding did not change the rotation of the world or anything very dramatic!!! I was able to forgive myself and realize that my family had really contributed a lot to the situation.

Your friends and coworkers should be able to understand that you can have a few weeks of not quite being yourself. If they can't, then too bad. Devils Advocate emails are not healthy for you right now. Don't ask for any more abuse.

Stop trying to,win your coworker to your way of thinking. He will have his own way of looking at things. Your job is to take care of yourself. Focus on yourself only. You MUST delete those emails now. I wish I had done that and saved myself so much pain.

Try to eat something. Watch a comedy on the Internet, surf here. I really hope you feel better!

Thank you GG. I have not yet been successful at deleting the emails. I haven't been rereading them today. I am not waiting for a reply for the email that I sent this morning. I did get an email alert but I waited until after I ate to look at it, it was not from him. Controlling my obsession and trying to give up trying to win him over (which is what this morning's email was about) are what I am working on.

CG - I am sure the wedding wasn't perfect but I doubt you ruined it either. It sounds like old family patterns and they were making you the scapegoat. Just my opinion.

i hoarded emails and chat logs from my ex for years, but ended up doing the same kind of thing.. i would obsess over it and the argumentative type emails full of ... manipulation and gas lighting..

eventually i made myself delete like thousands of messages and emails, sometimes i wish i didnt, but i know that it was the right thing to do because i need to forget about the abuse she caused me, the pain, to move on and try to understand that it was her and not me

so many people don't understand mental illness and they think they are experts on the subject, they dont give any understanding to us that suffer with these things.. they think its our fault and that we choose to suffer because we simply dont make a change or stop acting that way...

i have learned that its not worth my time to try to convince these type of people of otherwise, i have tried before many many times to explain things such as anxiety, depression... conversion symptoms... things that are really unexplainable to some people and i always get the same responses "you just need to do 'this' and you'll be just fine"
such as just getting out of the house and just going to work and just getting a drivers license and just start sleeping on a schedule and just not use the computer so much and on and on and on

but they cant understand what insomnia is, what these mental illnesses can do to the mind, how i need to try to distract myself the best i can as much as i can (thats why i read so much) how i cant eat sometimes, how i am terrified of even riding in a vehicle, how i cant leave the house because of so many triggers and anxiety, on and on and on - they CANT understand... and i really believe they DONT want to, know what i mean?

i dont know why, but i have learned that the best thing for me is to hold my tongue and just mentally slap them in my mind without saying anything aloud because its easier to just change the subject or walk away and go be alone - it triggers me really bad for someone to tell me these kind of things because i argue with myself for hours almost every day about being so stupid and mentally challenged, how i should be able to just fix it and fail at every attempt i make - so i dont need ANYONE else to tell me how much i am failing or anything, its terrible but its the only way i have been able to survive without killing someone due to their stupidity

so this friend, i dont know what he said.. but i do know that when we let others control our feelings too much it can really throw us off inside...
thats why i deleted all of my emails and try to delete every negative message or email i get because i am very obsessive and will end up reading it over and over, and sooner that i delete it the sooner i can forget about it.. or try to... because the main parts of the message/emails always repeat in my head over and over and over like a horrible broken record that is trying to drive me insane

im not trying to tell you what to do of course, just saying what i do...
but i know how bad these obsessions can be... i still feel hurt over the pain my ex caused me, but i dont know why i fell in love anymore... i cant remember, but i have a very bad memory and cant remember things on a minute to minute basis anyway... just kind of odd how a 4 year relationship can just disappear in the wind, but i am glad because the depression that she contributed to was going to be the end of me if i didnt - now i know

dont listen to the untrue remarks anyone can make about us...
we know who we are, we know we try hard... so thats all.. they dont know, they think they know, but no one can know... you know..?

stay strong..

Thank you elevated soul. I see my pdoc tomorrow, wondering if he will want to up my dosage of Brintellix. It was definitely working before I had this backslide, I could feel my head clearing up. I hate the idea that I might need more medication not because my brain needs it but because this one person has me so off kilter.

I think I can deal with him except for the fact that the real problem is he has thrown off my belief that my other co workers will accept me back. I know that is nonsense and I can probably get past that. He phrased his email as if he is speaking for the whole department, I know there is a grain of truth in it because I was unpleasant to work with and I know they must talk when I'm not there, but it isn't necessarily bad talk but this guy has me believing that it is. Part of me wonders if he is deliberately trying to sabotage me but I can't believe that either. The biggest problem is the way our department is arranged... No cubicles just an open floor plan and he sits in the middle and he converses with everyone a lot. I sit at the end. With my insecurity due to my depression I don't want to participate in group conversations that he is literally in the middle of and that keeps me isolated and makes the problem worse. If that makes sense. I can't imagine a scenario of going back there in a way that is safe for me.

As I write that I realize how ridiculous it is. It is my job, it is my livelihood. I can't pay my bills I have to get back to work. I am letting this one person drive me to the edge because when I sit in a room with him I isolate myself from everyone there.

It is ridiculous but it is me. It is my personality. I think it is the same thing that makes me smart and funny (although I haven't been funny in a long time). But in situations like this it kills me.

A big part of it too is I am filled with way too much pride. The combination of pride and sensitivity and depression is what cripples me.

And ES I do need to get rid of those emails but I don't see myself being able to do that. My therapist will try to convince me but I won't. I have a worse story with a nasty email but a happy ending that i'm too tired to share now but I will post. Very happy ending.

i've finally got back in with a pdoc too so she has been messing around with meds for me.. its definitely not something i enjoy but sometimes we need the little help the meds can offer

im super crazy though

getting rid of the emails is really a difficult thing to do, its like killing a huge spider.. you dont wanna get close to it but you dont wanna let it go either! so you stand there frozen with the biggest boot you can find for 30 minutes or more until you finally psyche yourself up enough to impulsively smash it to pieces!
thats what i had to do with my emails, and it took me a long time to psych myself up enough to do it... but i definitely did it on an impulse and i regretted it for a while but looking back it was for the good... its like keeping wounds open and not letting them heal, have to wrap it up and give it time, leave it alone, and it will get better.. i know after everything my ex did i tolerate a bit more from other people without it effecting me so much because ill just be like "screw this, im going home!" (cartman) and just walk away saying forget them, i dont need this.. kind of you know?
because i dont like confrontations, if i go off i go off and im nasty when i get mean
but im the kindest, nicest, sweetest guy.. so when i do go off people are like WOAH and it scares them a bit i think because they didnt think i was capable so then they are like he might kill me! *rollseyes* i probably would if i let myself get angry/upset
its not worth it though.. they're not worth me blowing a headgasket or anything

i have known those type of people that like to speak like they have authority, like they have the ability to speak for everyone.. and i can probably guarantee that most of the other people at your work dont feel that way, the one person always blows things way up .. maybe some of the others are concerned, but i really doubt that they hate you or despise you and dont want you to come back to work... they probably just dont know about your struggles right?
i dont like talking about my problems, but it has changed things a little since i started trying to lightly let people know about some things so they would hopefully stop judging me... some people still judge me but its not my fault now because i told them that i have bad PTSD and stuff so that just makes them assholes
i dont need them to like me anyway

i bet that atleast some of your co-workers would really enjoy talking with you though, especially if they have to talk to that other guy all the time they might be tired of him !
and if he is talking about you to everyone like that then just imagine what he talks to everyone about the others too, so maybe they all know he's a gossiper/story teller kind of thing?

i also have issues with pride... i dont like people to see me in pain or sick, but it makes it harder... because you have to wear a bunch of masks and hide away and then when you do get alone always have to worry about someone walking in when im like in a trance staring at the wall contemplating all of the crazy emotions that i cant understand and stuff...
so people knowing just a small bit of whats up helps take some of the pressure off.. i dont tell people what caused my c-ptsd and i dont talk about my depression.. but i try to explain anxiety to them sometimes because my anxiety is not the typical movie type or whatever ... but they have seen me break down and blackout/angry before so they know somethings amiss atleast! and if they trigger me or make things more difficult for me then its on them because they know, ya know? it makes me not blame myself for everything so much

its really not ridiculous, its normal.. we are sensitive and we struggle with a lot of internal pain... people DO judge us and we are not just being paranoid.. we just have to agree to disagree kind of in some places... because we cant let our struggles hurt our pride.. but dont want to externalize everything as anger on everyone else either.. just have to kind of let things float away and focus on ourselves more... because when we are sick we need a little more special attention than normal folks...
its ok to be a little self centered in that aspect, because we dont have anyone else to take care of us really... sure we have the doc and therapist, but we only see them like.. a few hours a month right? the rest of the time we are on our own

i totally understand though because i have had people do the same thing to me and throw my entire internal "game" off spin... thats why i try to detach as much as possible and not get attached to people so much.. because i know they will hurt me some how, whether on purpose or unintentionally - downside of being sensitive

hope all that makes sense, because my head is not so clear lately ...
i might be typing in another language and dont realize it!

we just have to remember we are important, we are special, and the world needs more sensitive people - but being sensitive we have to be stronger than most.. so we're taking the hard road so to speak, that in itself deserves congratulatory celebration because the weak would not
they might would sit in the office and talk about other people all day or write messed up emails gaslighting others

sorry about writing so much
im so spacey that i just zone out and dont realize it or even realize what im saying

hope i dont say anything wrong

Thank you elevated... No too much.

And all of it right on target except about this guy's relationship with the rest of the department. He is very popular and funny and he's not gossipy. I like him for the same reasons. And he has a great repore with everyone which is why now when I'm there I feel cut off from everyone because they're all chatting and he fits right in and I'm the (self imposed) outcast.

One other coworker does know my specific problem and she is supportive and I think the others are too. I think there may have been some general discussion about my behavior making it a hostile workplace for everyone (and someone did complain to the shop owner and the production manager.... Some time ago they called me into the office and said they wanted me back at work steadily but they needed it for me to be the "real" me not the one that is snapping at people. I really blew up at them because don't they think *I* want the "real me" back more than anyone???)

But in any case I truly believe all of my coworkers will be happy when I'm back (including him) as long as I'm not snappy but this one guy with this one email has fueled my depression into thinking I've damaged my relationships with everyone. I know it is untrue but as with this whole journey I've been on since December knowing that doesn't stop the anxiety and the pain.

I don't think I am close to deleting those emails but I haven't been rereading them. I'm not sure if I mentioned I sent one more... A short one, because I'm not sure if the long one I sent was successful at not sounding angry... Just a short one a clear olive branch.

What I have been good at is not obsessively checking for a reply. Yesterday I got some "bings" on my email and decided not to look at them until after I ate in case it might kill my appetite again. I ate relaxed assuming the emails were NOT from him and indeed they were not.

This morning an email came in and it IS from him. I haven't looked at it yet. I'm simply trying not to be obsessed about it. My ipod shows me the first line which is "I'm sorry I didn't realize that..." so maybe it is a sincere apology and some understanding. Or it could be "I'm sorry I didn't realize that you are such a crybaby..." LOL I doubt that but it still might contain some criticism. So while I hope it might ease my mind I'm trying not to get my hopes up and not to obsess about it.

I was back in bed for a few hours today but that's been pretty common, at least I showered and dressed in the morning and I took all of my meds (including my new ones which have me nauseated) and I had some soup. Thirsty now so I think I'm just going to make sure I'm not getting dehydrated.

So I went in and read all of my sitting emails... This guy's was short and apologetic. It seemed sincere. He admits being uncomfortable with it and not understanding it and distancing himself from it. That makes me feel hurt but not angry. I can't fault him for not being able to deal with my health issues. I'm not sure about the earlier email, he says he was trying to help, I'm not sure about that but I feel comfortable dropping it. Going back there will only hurt me more and really my goal here was to find a way out.

Most importantly it gives me a bit of relief in my own mind that I can get back to work there at some point and fit in again.

Going back to the beginning of this post, in one sense I should have never started this off by engaging this guy. But not speaking with him was the source of my "recovery halt" and backslide I described in another post. There was a better avenue toward handling this that my pride and my personality would not let me take, I prefered to tackle it head on in a friendly manner and, maybe predictably, it backfired.

I'll return his email with a friendly response and be done with it unless he decides to continue continue communicating. If he does not, I'm OK with that. Goal is coworkers and get comfortable with that and healed before I really decide if I want to be friends with him again.