[dexter]

As many know I was recovering quite well from an acutely deep depression after a relapse in December and finally starting to do well again around June. My suicidal thoughts were evaporating, I was able to go out and enjoy myself again, and I was finally starting to go back to work on a limited basis.

Getting to that point took months of hard work and learning and practicing new skills. I was happy to see the results and proud of the work I had put in.

A few weeks ago I started sliding back. At first I took it in stride, I don't expect every day to be progress. But I couldn't arrest it and I kept sliding deeper down.

One of the aspects making this difficult is that I have very little in the way of a support system. No family, live alone, since I'm not working, not much human contact at all. I have one supportive couple of friends who are quite busy but talk to me when they can. They are also not local so I don't get to see them often. Much of my group recovery counselling relies on support and I have none that I can reach out to so I'm managed on my own. I've been going to support groups in the evening when I can.

Last week in the midst of this downfall I decided to try to reach out to someone who had asked to let him know if there was anything he could do to help. I discovered that he is not a friend unless one opens the definition of friend to include "asshole". It turns out he hasn't been speaking to me not because I have been isolating myself, but because my illness causes him too much stress.

I am not someone with low self esteem. I know I am better off without someone like this in my life. However that does not stop the hurt and grief over the loss of a friend, even if it is only the loss of someone I had mistakenly believed was my friend.

I really cared for this person and this loss has shaken me and driven me back down to a deeply hurt place. All of my other bad feelings about my job, my life, my loneliness, those things I sought so hard to separate in therapy to get myself back on track are now entangled and overwhelming again. This is not because of my depression but because the situation has caused two of the three of these elements to now be situationally connected, and they are creating a real life dealbreaker for me.

I couldn't get out of bed all day today. I don't think I can make it to support group tonight. I pushed myself to go to a sci fi con this weekend but it ended up making me feel lonely and miserable. I don't think I'll make it in to work at all this week. I already can't pay my bills and have gone through my savings which of course is another great source of anxiety and stress.

I believe I am a good person, a smart person, a funny person, who deserves to have quality friends and I used to believe I deserved a good relationship. I guess I still believe I deserve that I just can no longer believe I will ever have that. Still, I don't deserve to be treated as a source of stress to someone... Bear in mind I wasn't unloading on him, I have hardly seen or spoken to him, his "stress" is largely only about the idea of dealing with my medical issues in his own mind. He's lied to me and made excuses I found later to be false.

My failing is in that I am so sensitive that the loss of one person, someone who was never really even a friend to me, puts me in this state of tailspin so deep that it leads to suicidal depression. I have never had a relationship, and only twice in my entire life have I felt I was close enough to someone to consider that, and in both cases I discovered I was wrong and the person wasn't at all interested in a relationship. The first time that happened... We are still friends but I was depressed and unable to work for a full year after that happened. My car was reposessed and I almost lost my house. This second time I'm going on nine months and this new news has me back to square one or even deeper. I don't have the energy to climb out of this hole again especially I wasn't even out of it a few weeks ago, just teased with seeing some of the light at the top which is now gone,

[Skeezyks]

Hello dexter: I'm sorry you have suffered that setback. I hope that, in some way, you will be able to find the strength to climb out of the hole you find yourself in.

[dexter]

I'm trying to regroup. You know how hard I've been working on this. Part of me says enough, it is time to give up. My depression has me thinking there is no way I can go back to work under these circumstances, having tried and failed, and having been called out on my failure by one of my co workers. The fact that I am letting that one person get to me over my life and livelihood disturbs me, but it is where I am and it is partly who I am, so I feel stuck here. I am trying to regroup and see if I can find a way out but I've also been in bed all day today, I showered at 3pm and went back to bed. I don't even want to think about trying to go in to work the rest of the week. My boss is understanding and is keeping my job for me but there is a limit to that if I just keep not showing up. Tomorrow I might try to go to Seaside again. My trip there two weeks ago helped me. Calmed me down and I was able to eat while I was down there. Last week went again expecting to eat but could not finish half of one gyro and it's all I ate all day there. Trying to decide if it will be beneficial or harmful to try again.

[dexter]

Started that post meaning to say "Thank you Skeezyks" but my depression is again turning everything to negative poo.

Thank you Skeezyks.

[elevatedsoul]

sorry man..
i know i will try to make a stumble forward 1 step and fall back rolling down hill 100 or so, its always a sucky reality

guess im just too stubborn and blind to realize its futile -.-
or i have chains hooked to me and something ahead trying to drag me forwards, who knows why is like this..

im curious though so i keep trying, would be interesting to see how a stable happy lifes like

[dexter]

I don't feel like it is futile. I just have tried so hard to get to that point halfway up the hill and now I don't have the energy to start from the bottom again. The solution would be to rest a bit and start again since I've done it before, but I don't have a way to rebuild my energy with resources dwindling and not being able to work again. I'm am just back to fighting every day to stay alive and it is exhausting. I can't believe I'm back to not being able to get out of bed. I had a good chat tonithg on the boards which cheered me up a little but now it is very late and I'm on target to sleep in again tomorrow.

[guiltier65]

I'm sorry Dexter. I wish I had words of comfort and wisdom.

[dexter]

I am still fighting this. I was in bed most of the day again today but I'm going to try going to Seaside again and see if I can eat a slice of pizza there.

[elevatedsoul]

i know most of us dont like to even think about it... but have you thought about like some form of disability compensation or help or whatever we call it...?
to help you take your mind off the stress of not being able to take the break you need to recover the energy due to the financials and stuff..?

[dexter]

I have... I've been on disability for this before. It doesn't cover enough to pay my bills and I'm trying to hang on to work a little (working at home when I can) so that my job stays open for me. (last time I wasn't working at all, so I was eliglible for disability, but when I recovered I'd been away so long I could not go back to my job) However as I seem to be sinking further away from my job that might be a good idea.

[PurplePanda999]

I wish I had some magical advice that I could give you. Just take it one step at a time and keep on keeping on. I don't always have the energy to do this, but I sometimes walk in my neighborhood so I can meet my neighbors' dogs. Petting dogs and cats comforts me. Anyway, here's a big hug. {{{Hug}}}

Sent from my SM-T350 using Tapatalk

[Hopeofreedom]

Don't let that "friend" ruin your progress😄.
Also you have a kind heart which means loss of a friendship no matter how shallow will affect you. It's normal that you feel sad. Sounds like your going thru a mini grieving process.

Take a deep breath, and nurture yourself. 💛

Do something positive for yourself today, my friend, ok?

[dexter]

I am definitely going through a grieving process, it is what kicked off my depression and just as I was recovering I ended up losing him again in a more final way and I know I am full fledged grieving over it, I can see the elements of grieving in my emotions. I am also in great pain over the fact that I am the type of person who can let one other person effect me so deeply. I like that I am sensitive, but I am too sensitive and immature in matters like these. It is so bad that it has become a defect instead of an asset.

[Hopeofreedom]

Defect?! Never! What's wrong with having a good heart and mourning over a loss? I so blame society , not allowing men to be caring.. no wonder Suicide and spousal abuse us so high! Grrr

Sorry for my mini rant. Make sure you go easy on yourself while your feeling thus way? Ok? Keep away from negativity and go out into the SUNSHINE🌞🌷

[dexter]

I agree but in my case it is not that. I've never regretted wearing my heart on my sleeve and being sensitive and emotional. It is part of who I am and is an aspect of my personality that I have always been proud of.

My problem is that I've never had that sensitivity returned and I've only wanted it to be returned by two people in my entire life. One was about 13 years ago and one was more recently. I was wrong in my expectations of them. Not a problem except that both times I was so crushed that it led me to lengthy bouts of severe suicidal depression. The one 13 years ago took me over a year to get over. I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt and I ended up at home in bed for over a year, unable to work and only leaving my house to go food shopping and dr. appts. I finally got over it and found a new job but now I'm in the same state, I've been dealing with this bout for nine months now, if I go out I have to see that person every day, so I stay home in bed, I'm not working, I can't pay my bills. I wish I could not let one person take away my life so completely and for so long but I haven't found a successful way to battle it. Actually I did... The DBT training I got in IOP this time was helping but it has all fallen apart in the last few weeks after another situational incident. One can say "I've beaten this before I can do it again" which is true but it has taken so much incredible effort on my own with no support (I get good support here on PC but I don't have any friends IRL or family who can see me face to face so I am alone all of the time) and so the issue is I'm tired out and no longer willing to put in the effort. I've never had a successful relationship nor even an unsuccessful relationship. I've literally been alone my whole life except for friends which are now gone. With this realization that if a hope of a relationship doesn't work out leads me to this crushing depression I can't even take that chance again. I consider that a catch 22 sort of defect.

[Hopeofreedom]

I hear you my friend, I'm sorry for my shallow response before.

How is it you see that person when you go outside?

I do think you need something to take your mind off your illness. I do think you should take things easy until you have a good day. (That's what I do) just rest and store up your energy. Then if you can make an appt with a counselor. Because I'm worried that your isolation will only feed your depression.

If not a counselor I would try reaching out in a support group, with irl people. Just to vent if nothing else.

Your next job should definitely be around new people. Something low key, like a waiter/waitress? Maybe.

Hmm um not sure if I'm helping or not. You seem like someone who could make friends easily. Very open.☺

[dexter]

Originally Posted by Hopeofreedom

I hear you my friend, I'm sorry for my shallow response before.

How is it you see that person when you go outside?

I do think you need something to take your mind off your illness. I do think you should take things easy until you have a good day. (That's what I do) just rest and store up your energy. Then if you can make an appt with a counselor. Because I'm worried that your isolation will only feed your depression.

If not a counselor I would try reaching out in a support group, with irl people. Just to vent if nothing else.

Your next job should definitely be around new people. Something low key, like a waiter/waitress? Maybe.

Hmm um not sure if I'm helping or not. You seem like someone who could make friends easily. Very open.☺

Number one I apologise I had a margarita tonight so my reply might not be completely coherent but I don't want to wait.

Two your response was not shallow. Please do not think that because I am frustrated in my position (and also that my depression is playing games with my negativaty) that I judge the responses that I get here. Please I really appreciate everyone's suggestions and support.

Number three how do I see that person? He is a co-worker. Really complicating my desired return to work.

I will try to have more response after I get some sleep but thank you.

[elevatedsoul]

this is one of the reasons i dont have friends...
i am too sensitive so people always trigger me or will do something that just ruins things..
so my ability to trust has been destroyed, i dont even trust myself anymore which is another reason i dont have friends
cant trust myself to be able to tell sincerity or not, so i always let people walk over me and they usually will because i am very kind and people have no problem taking advantage of me... perhaps its as some people have told me before, i am gullible...
but i have learned that its not worth my pain.. im happier not even worrying about it...
so i just do what i can for myself, try to continue to be kind to everyone around me without developing any attachments... which is another problem because i do have disorganized attachment problems ..

i wouldnt say this is the right way to live or suggest it to anyone, but its the only way i can live right now without making all of my other problems worse...
i cant trust or rely on anyone, if i dont then they cant hurt me or let me down, atleast so much

i know what its like to feel alone so you are not alone with this affliction

i hope that you can try to continue to focus on yourself, your wellbeing, and the recovery of your essence... strength is a strange facet we all have..
exertion causes us to feel weak... but it takes a strong person to push themselves to the point of exertion... we just have to find the time and compassion for ourselves enough to let ourselves take a much needed rest and break.. to recover some of the strength that we do have, because all of us are very strong but because of how much we go through internally we lose our resilience to certain extents ... sometimes it takes a little extra time to regain it, but we can regain it...

like a body builder, repetition builds muscles... right?
hopefully the more times we bounce back and regain reslience .. the stronger we can become and more we can put up with... right..?
just have to give ourselves the time and rest we need to recover... give ourselves extra attention and understanding that we are hurting, cant force yourself to walk on 2 broken legs.. have to take the time to recover

im rambling.. but i hope that you are hanging in there...
we all want you to be safe and recover with speed

[dexter]

LOL I'm a skinny little guy but now I can think of myself as a bodybuilder with regard to my coping skills. I am working on it, having more anxiety tonight but I did manage half a peanut butter sandwich in addition to the veggie chicken patty and rice I had earlier.

[dexter]

I am still fighting this. On Saturday I was really hopeless and ready to give up but I got a little energy back on Sunday. Today I am struggling again but I saw my pdoc. He is raising my medication dosage. I told him that I feel like I don't want to increase it just because one freaking person sets me off so badly and he talked to me and convinced me that this guy was just the trigger that set off a new chemical imbalance that needs to be treated.

So I am raising my dosage of Brintellix (Trintellix) from 10mg to 20mg and he is adding another drug called Rexulti which is---I forgot what he called it---designed to enhance the effectiveness of the main drug. He gave me a starter kit for it and a coupon for my first month free.

Everything is so hopeless again now but he thinks this will help me get my energy back and be on an upward swing again and be able to cope again with trying to get back to work.

The Brintellix adjustment probably won't take effect for another 6 to 8 weeks but the Rexulti could start to help in one or two weeks.

[dexter]

He also wrote me a note to help me get into another outpatient DBT program and said he can write me a note if I want to go back into IOP.

[Yours_Truly]

It's like life requires that we find the perfect balance between trusting enough to open-up ourselves, but not too much so we can bounce back if we get hurt. I guess that's resilience & having thick skin.

[elevatedsoul]

your doc sounds cool

hopefully the meds will knock the edge off and help make coping with some of these things easier

i think rexulti = brexpiprazole ... and if i remember correctly is like a modified version of abilify? which is aripiprazole... the names are similar so i would imagine they are related.. Rexulti is a newer one though i believe, i dont know much about them.. i haven't been on abilify or rexulti
but it is an atypical antipsychotic and they use things like that to help the antidepressants out sometimes with like major depressive disorder, not an uncommon practice
hopefully you will have good results with it! im interested in hearing about how it goes

oh btw, im not a doctor or anything so this is just all my personal research stuff so i might be totally wrong.. just figured i would add that so no one gets the wrong idea about me
its just when you are super crazy you have to learn a little bit

keep swinging, think of this as like an ocean... sometimes the waves are big and when they are cresting the anxiety and depression are higher.. but the waves will fall back down we just have to learn how to surf and ride these bad boys out

[dexter]

Brexpiprazole is correct... Someone else also said it was a newer version of Abilify but I don't have confirmation on that.

I like to know what I am taking too... Looking it up when I got home from the doctor was the first thing I did

I will of course let everyone know how I am doing with it.

[Hopeofreedom]

Hey Dexter, I'm glad your being so active for your health!!! Yay!!💪💜

(Elevated soul ) is right ! Your doctor sounds awesome. I hope this new medicine is a good fit!.