Daily Check In, ups and downs #19

Sounds like we're having similar issues :/

Hopefully you'll feel better for the holidays.

I don't know if it's my reading, my health, the resurfacing of old anxieties and longings - but I just want to cry today. I've barely gotten out of bed; I have no reason to. I have nothing to get up for. I could just as easily not exist and it would make no difference. I'm back into that feeling of being scared of everything (except what I should worry about), caring about nothing, and being ashamed of everything.

had a pretty productive day. which is good.

Today was a pretty good day, despite my not wanting to be at work. Vacation mode has begun.

I have been feeling pretty good lately. I will have Friday and Monday off. I look forward to having the time off, but I feel like I will have too much time on my hands. Lately I have been feeling very tired when getting up in the morning.

I worked out today. I didn't go to the pool area because of rain. Also, I got a bill from the phone company which handles my internet. It was over $30 more! I think that I had a contract that lasted a year with a bargain. I'll have to call them tomorrow.

I'm disgusted. Disillusioned by the behavior of people I once had respect for.

I am feeling bla

I am feeling like in reality, no one should really care about me.. i'm just the weakest link in the world

a dead goldfish or worm is far more important than me

I got over my tailspin. I expect to be in pretty good shape today.

not true! We care, and you are for more important than a goldfish

Horrible week. Had to taper off Remeron much faster than I wanted to which led to some brain-wrecking complex partial seizures in the middle of the night(never had it happen while asleep), the quick withdrawal of Remeron also led to poor sleeping, I have gotten 2-3 hours max all week but I found something that helped last night so hopefully I won't have these issues anymore.

Feeling sick. Glad I'll have some time off from work though. Just gotta get through Christmas & a baby shower. This Christmas we are going out to eat which takes some pressure off.

too many memories, and too much confusion about time and where I am and what i'm meant to be doing

i'm not depressed, i'm just..... lost

can you be lost and not depressed?

you can now

Having the day off today and will have Monday off. And then I will have next Friday off and Monday after New Year's Day. I should be happy, but I feel like I have too much time on my hands. I really feel like I need the rest, though.

I plan to do my usual Saturday stuff today. I don't know what I'll be doing tomorrow. I plan to have a technician from a competing company that I have my phone & internet service with to switch over. I got a bill yesterday from my provider (or carrier) and it was much higher than I thought. Apparently my one year contract is over. They can't continue with the reasonable price that they have.

It's really weird that I think more about how depressed and let down I will feel after New Years than being happy that I just started to have this precious time off now.

Not doing great today. I feel like I can't focus, and it's just going to get worse since we have a Christmas party today

...huh.
I guess I do have some self-esteem issues, and they aren't as small as I thought they were. However, what I'm feeling is actually not because of other people (this time). Will I ever be 100% comfortable with myself someday?

Extremely irritated still. Was really angry last night because I got picked on out of the blue on facebook and my mother in law is being stupidly immature. I'm so tired of dealing with people's drama. I don't know why people have to be so immature. These people are both well grown adults and they're clearly incapable of acting like it. It makes me SO mad. All I try to do is be kind to people and what do I get back? Stupid, unnecessary ********, because apparently no one gives a **** about my feelings. I guess I should have learned by now not to try to try to be nice. All I ever get back is rudeness.

I don't feel well!

I haven't been able to sleep since 4 am. It's 6:45am now. I just want to sleep and forget about my depressing thoughts but they won't go away. I wish I had someone to talk to, but they're all asleep and I don't want to bother them. It's also Christmas Eve so it just feels insensitive to go crying to somebody when they should be happy. I don't know how much longer I can take this. Having thoughts of wanting to disappear or self destructing.

I felt very depressed when I got up this morning. I think that now it's finally getting to me about being alone for Christmas. I have a technician coming today to switch me over. I hope that he/she will have a good attitude being Christmas Eve and having to work. I prefer to not to have that done but it has to or it's going to cost me a lot.

Yesterday I went to go grocery shopping but couldn't get into the store because it was too crowded. So I'll have to try again today and hope that it will not be like yesterday.

If only I had those things I have to do done already, then I could visit my friend and gift-exchange each other. But I don't think I'll have the time for that. So I'll have to do it tomorrow. He has his daughter to come and visit around 1PM tomorrow.

This morning I just had feelings of fear for the new year. Seems like some changes are going to happen. I would like things to stay the same and improve but it looks like that's not going to happen. Also I have fears that I'll have some health challenges this year.

I want to die.

It turned out to be a pretty good day. The technician came and didn't take very long. And I was able to go grocery shopping without a hitch. I went to see my friend and we gave each other gifts. I only had one cheap item to give him. I could have included an item from the store that I shopped at that he loved, but they didn't have it.

I was going to go for an hour bike ride but didn't go because it rained. Also just as I set out to go, it hailed for a little bit.

After yesterday's thoughts of sui I'm feeling happy to stay out of the hospital but frustrated with the medical profession

Aaaaaand family time's gonna get awkward some time soon. I can feel it. I feel like moments like this are why some kids keep secrets from their parents.

struggling lots with christmas memories and christmas lonliness

I want it all just to stop and end right now

I do

but then at the same time, I don't. new year is on it's way and that's a bad time for me

there is nothing merry about today. My life has been taken from me by NOSEY SELFISH people. Oh they get to enjoy THEIR life by taking what was MINE.