[destroyedlife]

No hi's, no hello's, just freakin insanity!

I am here for a quite while now... Although not much posts... But now I really hit rock bottom! Enter my hell!

I don't know where I should put this topic in, but I relate it to depression mostly. Although it could go in schizophrenia as well, and sexual health...

When I took over 2 months ago two pills of finasteride (Proscar) my system crashed, although I recall being sexually incapacitated when I got fever, chills and was hence hospitalized in psychiatric hospital. After being in hospital 2 weeks I sucked that fu*king 2 pills.

Now... I am completely depressed, apathy, lethargy, loss of interest in "almost" everything (only not in one thing that scares me), sexual health is non existent, like I am not even male anymore (hormone results shown very low testosterone levels and SBHG and high prolactin and many other out of referent range values).

I feel like ****. My sleep is total chaos. I sleep when I feel sleepy. Usually from 6AM to 1PM and from 4PM to 7-8PM and it goes on and on. Never consistent sleep pattern.

What worries me more, since I lost all sexual function (I really mean ALL, like every symptom of sexual dysfunction emphasized in highest possible way) I lost interest in love, in socializing, in activities involving people (since New year I exited house 2 times, once for lab tests hormones and only once for 2 hours with my best friend, and now is 19th of January!!!, I exit my room also rarely). HELL!!! I even lost interest in suicide...

What I gained is interest in GENOCIDE!!! HOMICIDE!!! And yes, I know, that are traits of schizophrenia. But there were no voices telling me to kill anyone. I just started to wish: Ohhh it would be so cool to kill as many as I can and then myself! I know how to obtain assault rifles, guns, carbines without licence. I have immense wish for slaughtering. Without apparent reason. Except, that I lost all other interest. I am infested with genocidal thoughts, homicidal thoughts... I don't know who would I spare? No one is safe. Not even my family. And I am really scared. As I am collecting resources to acquire all sorts of weapons.

I feel so ill. I feel loneliness is part of me and it feeds me. It empowers me! I don't seek for love, since my thoughts of love, my fantasies have vanished completely! Last time I thought about kissing a girl and that it would be nice was 4 damn months ago. I don't recall sexual fantasies at all! I feel also physically ill. I feel like worst **** ever dumped in toilet! I feel that my only goal and purpose to make myself worthy is to kill. Kill as many as I can, as violently as I can.

I sought medical help so many times. I want HRT (hormone replacement therapy) but I think my doctor will NEVER prescribe it to me, as my T levels are IN RANGE!!! IN RANGE OF SENILE, DIABETIC 80 YEAR OLD MAN!!! GOD DAMMIT!!! And prescribing antipsychotics and antidepressants will kick my T-levels into abyss. Instead of curing the root cause of depression and loss of libido, sexual dysfunction, loss of interest with boosting T levels, they will probably prescribe AD or AP and push me into much much greater hell than I am even now! And that will be breaking point. When I will really take my gun and kill people. No gender, no age, no ethnicity will be spared! It's scientifically proven that these DAMN POISONS reduce T-levels! I have NO VOICES telling me ANYTHING!!! I am just freaking psycho!!! I don't even know how it feels to have hallucination! And yet, they treat totally wrong diseases.

I feel no pain. And I am not afraid of police nor army. Cause last bullet is for me. I just want to die... Violently!

[Rohag]

Getting your T-levels into a more realistic range for you sounds reasonable. Does your situation allow going to a different doctor or provider?

I am concerned about your violent thoughts. Did they start only after you were in the hospital?

Please keep posting, Destroyedlife.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm sorry about this. Please, don't do anything violent.. we'll be here if you need support

[destroyedlife]

No ******it! I just think I can kill! Well... I can... But I won't! Ohhhh I don't know! Suicide is much better and cheaper option than homicide. I basically could order it in one week from now. I mean, the means for suicide. But it is really crappy and lame thing! Just me, alone... Even without partner to do with... The worst part is moments before losing consciousness. It's... It's... Like worst feeling anybody can feel. My weeping would alarm really anybody in circle of 2 miles! I have to do it in warmer months... And in much solitary place. Woods I think best... Yeah... Woods! No, no, I cannot hurt somebody. I don't want to. But I want to... They hurt me... But I can't... I can't act like God. No... I want to hurt myself. Nobody is guilty for who I am ! It's my fault! IDK... Ohhh how horrible I feel. I would blast the planet earth with nukes... But it's in fact just a fantasy. It's not even possible in movies. I'd do noting killing someone who in fact... DIDN'T DO ******* THING AGAINST ME!!! I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo down...

Violent thoughts... Yeah, after being hospitalized. In fact, my sex health is obliterated to zero point. Same thing like nuking some city... Nothing left. It's so embarrassing to talk about it... But completely impotent and completely lost thoughts about women. Fantasies. Then started violent thoughts. To fill the empty part where, once, I thought about women. What THE F have I done? What is the cause of that? I mean, I feel like worst crap ever lived, but man... That my whole system is backfiring?

I can go to another doctor, but I am sure I can persuade my current doc for HRT. But it's well, a quarrel to be. And I am not quite sure how effective it is, considering I consumed this damned finasteride! But I felt like crap month before even taking it as I recall. I started to have some sexual problems. But now it's obliteration. Like I am not a man anymore. Nothing works! I will go for suicide... Can't live in each day more horrible then last one.

Sorry... I speak to much. I am totally crashed. I won't kill, except myself.

[harmfulleh]

What did you talk about with your best friend?
Since new year I've left my house to go to the therapist and nothing else.. I left school (last year of high schiol and I'm 19).. I didn't even pass time doing something else, I just started thinking what could I have told the therapist the next time to help myself solve some of my problems..

[destroyedlife]

Honestly, I can't recall. I think it was basically me ranting about my life. It was cold and we just sat down in shopping mall for 30 minutes or so. But nobody is my friend. Nobody can be. He was jealous when I mention I got sudden/disturbingly/shocking message from gorgeous girl. I didn't even thought about anything with her and it's just message. He instantly got AWOL!!! After all God damm it I am totally impotent. Which drives me insane! I keep getting freakin sex fantasy dreams in which I am able to, but as soon as I wake up I realize it's a F*CKIN DREAM!!! Yeah, I skipped 1 grade of school also! But I don't know WHAT I can tell to ANY doctor to help me? I really wanna die. It's cool when you sleep. But it's not cool when you don't know where or in which form will you awake or even still will you at all? Afterlife! I have so many theories, yet it's still mystery! And I don't want to wake up in hospital on connected to apparatus and with heavy damage to my body. I just wanna sleep... And dream... No pain. Just to avoid pain!

[harmfulleh]

What kind of message was that? Talk with a doctor about your feelings about your friend, how you felt when you received that message and why your friend got awol.. your imagination create different worlds but the reality is just one! One reality is even easier to manage

[sugarbeeMe]

If you could possibly turn this anger toward the depression itself. Put this incredible energy you have in a direction toward learning about depression and how these different medicines can react. I know you want to distract yourself from the pain. We are here for that, and can love you through it all. Commiserate with us. I haven't had your exact experiences but have felt obsessive thoughts. Having a place to vent everything was a lifeline for me. Perhaps it can be for you too.

[destroyedlife]

Originally Posted by harmfulleh

What kind of message was that? Talk with a doctor about your feelings about your friend, how you felt when you received that message and why your friend got awol.. your imagination create different worlds but the reality is just one! One reality is even easier to manage

It was like most disturbing hallucination I had (well, I haven't really had one, just some auras around my hands)! I think it may be hallucination, since I don't receive messages from her after few we exchanged. I even REALLY talked to her! But I guess I was dreaming or in some strange state! I really don't know! It felt soooo unreal, yet was it real? My phone has these messages still and I have timer of call on it. But I just can't believe it! She actually wanted to speak to me very very very much (in her words). When I seen on whatsapp pics, I knew instantly it's hallucination! It was like most beautiful sight ever seen! And I am fat, lunatic without some teeth. I was shocked, I AM SHOCKED! I took 800mg of Promazine and 4mg of Xanax SR and 20mg of Normabel just to barely fall asleep after 45 minutes after ingesting it. I was SHOCKED! PARALYZED!!! Okay... I did overreact to him and said that it's incarnation of Goddess. I did go psycho really... But MY GOD!!! That was most intense experience I ever had! I never had sex or did drugs, but MAN this WAS LIKE 2POUNDS OF HEROIN!!! I took pills went to sleep and never heard from her again. I just prayed to my brother (to whom I wrote 8 pages panicking and shocking) that it's just hallucination and bad dream and it will go away when I wake up! And really, it was gone. It's like Miss Universe talked to Abomination Universe. I am still in shock! I had tremors and sweating! It was really STRONG experience. He went awol cause I ranted that she is incarnation of Aphrodite and so on... Truth is... IT REALLY WAS REAL!!! But I want to think it wasn't. My phone doesn't lie! If I am crazy, it definitely isn't! Or was it some paranormal occurrence? I freaked out! There it is... two screenshots I took with my phone sitting in memory of my phone. But HOW WHY? I am not insane in that way that I can literally imagine and fake the girl on the phone! But it was insane!

Originally Posted by sugarbeeMe

If you could possibly turn this anger toward the depression itself. Put this incredible energy you have in a direction toward learning about depression and how these different medicines can react. I know you want to distract yourself from the pain. We are here for that, and can love you through it all. Commiserate with us. I haven't had your exact experiences but have felt obsessive thoughts. Having a place to vent everything was a lifeline for me. Perhaps it can be for you too.

I have so much erratic emotions... But mostly I am so depressed and sad... I already planned in my google docs in few points how to do and when to do a suicide and what to consider... Cause really... I don't see that even God can help me if he really exists! I feel sooooo soooo horrible... First thing morning tomorrow I am going to my general healthcare doc. To see is it possible I went so nuts with this hormone changes. If not I must hurry the appointment to URGENT with my psych. If neither will or can't help... I see only one option. To die. I feel no love My hormones... I feel no love! Not in the meaning of sex. I really feel no emotion of love. Like it was laser surgically removed from my brain. My mom tells me she loves me, I just smack the door of my room. My bro tells me he loves me... BUT I FEEL NO LOVE!!! I FEEL DISAPPOINTMENT, PAIN, HOPELESSNESS, SADNESS, URGE TO DIE, TO END THE PAIN!!! I can't find distraction! It plagues me even in dreams! There I had sexual fantasies which I knew were not real! I woke up, I realized I was totally impotent. Not only that... I FORGOT WHAT LOVE FEELS LIKE

[sugarbeeMe]

Just take the first healthy step? Remember your feelings of emptiness are deceiving you right now. Just the first healthy step.

[destroyedlife]

WHAT IS THE FIRST F*CKING HEALTHY STEP?!??!?!?!? I AM INSANE!!! I NEED DRUGS!!! I NEED SEDATIVES!!! Sorry, I don't want to swear, but in my 27 years of life I never, ever felt not even nearly like this! Sorry... sorry........................... I don't know I don't know what to do! I can literally empty all the psych medicine in house I can just to fall asleep! It's tormenting me! I am crying whole day... Can barely see what I am writing. What happened to me? I won't hurt anybody... Not physically!!! I will kill myself only!!!

[sugarbeeMe]

First healthy step is what you said, "First thing morning tomorrow I am going to my general healthcare doc". Cling to that one healthy step.

[harmfulleh]

Well I'm not fat and I have teeth but I've huge problems finding women too! I'm a virgin. Being so euphoric is not wrong, channel your energy into creativity and ask yourself what could you do to meet her. Being that euphoric IS love

[destroyedlife]

Hey! I did first healthy step! Although it did cost me almost hospitalization! I did have a quarrel with my general medicine doc. He wanted me to be hospitalized since GUESS WHAT, I told I am suicidal. I rant about being suicidal since I know of myself. I tried few times... Now I am doing it only when I go below bottom. Or simply put, lose all hope. I mean, all. I will certainly do suicide if I get nasty carcinoma of any organ. There is no euthanasia so I will do it myself. But let's try to live another dozen of years? He really told me that my impotence is all in my head. That receptors in brain need to be fixed with other meds. I got same answer from online doctor portal, where they answer questions (but mostly just informative), that it's just in my psyche. Well, honestly I can't imagine what kind of depression is that I cant get 1 nano meter erection, but now I have hope that it will resolve in 6 months latest! Probably much sooner. Tomorrow I am going to psych earlier than it was planned. Just to switch medicine. I really don't want to end in hospital every 3 months. I barely got over it, so I don't plan to enter it again anytime soon.

harmfulleh, but how old are you? If you are teen or barely out it's difference. I would tho feel for you if you are older than me. I am 27 by the way. They gave me hope in email answer that by medication change I will restore my sexual wishes. But than... The hell of SSRI meds ahhhh... It's impossible to orgasm. Especially on Seroxat (paroxetine). I have pulled one burden down, now I just want peaceful switch of medicine and no hospitalizations. And just have some patience! I hate that it needs 6-8 weeks to start working

[destroyedlife]

I am taking fluvoxamine as AD and Geodon/Zeldox (ziprasidone) as AP. Will they change both or just AD? And what AD would be good to change to, and to have least sexual problems when it resolves? Until now I was 13 years only on various doses of fluvoxamine. It didn't do anything for my libido and orgasm. But I am afraid that other would do. Once I tried Seroxat and after 2 days it was impossible to orgasm! So no to Seroxat! It's paroxetine, I don't know US name for it. I would like something that would both treat severe depression and help my sexual function. But not just by gaining erections, also by not being hard to my orgasms!

[Rohag]

I've been on several antidepressant medications. None of them have been decisive in alleviating my depression, but paroxetine - often "Paxil" in the US - was the one with which I suffered the most side effects. I know others have taken it without much problem, but that was not my experience. I'm glad they've prescribed you something different.

[destroyedlife]

Originally Posted by Rohag

I've been on several antidepressant medications. None of them have been decisive in alleviating my depression, but paroxetine - often "Paxil" in the US - was the one with which I suffered the most side effects. I know others have taken it without much problem, but that was not my experience. I'm glad they've prescribed you something different.

So you basically telling me there was no good AD for you?

Yeah, Paxil... The worst one! But Prozac is scary even in pronunciation. I think it's one of the oldest. Wellbutrin is good, but just for depression and makes you very active, hence more insomnia. But I like what people say that it actually increases their libido! That's awesome drug... Only if it would treat anxiety as well. Fluvoxamine was really great, even on maximum possible dosage 300mg I had no difficulty in sex department. But it, unfortunately, works no more. Zoloft, escitalopram are basically only SSRI-s that I could gulp the rock and drink them. But I really get scared when I want to improve my sex life it will destroy it. I am so confused. I lack libido, erectile function and orgasm, I lack all... And on the pamphlet inside the box there are all those stuff mentioned Maybe get better and get off then? In one years time perhaps? I really loved fluvoxamine. Not a single side effect! Also on Geodon (except when it's hot, excessive sweating). It's like literally doing drugs and see which one will get you to greatest "HIGH". I know women get just disinterested in sex. But men get lot more complications regarding sexual health. Does any of you guys know what is (aside of wellbutrin) best antidepresive and anti anxiety drug? Or just combine antidepressant and anxyolitic?

[harmfulleh]

Besides drugs, when you'll start feeling better you could try some sports, like even jogging and what you can do in a park (see simple calisthenics exercises) helps alot feeling better too.. it's not so much but I'm sure it could help..

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by destroyedlife

So you basically telling me there was no good AD for you?

My case is complicated by having both physical and mood/anxiety disorders, and ADs at most take a little bit of the edge off depression. No AD has proven decisive in eliminating my case of depression. I'd have to say that anti-anxiety medications have done more for me than ADs.

My observation is that psychotropic medications are highly individual in their effects.

[destroyedlife]

Yea... I got pissed off! Just medications! I know better and more than those retard docs. One ****ed up my nose surgically. It was supposed to remove deviation of seprum, but I cannot still breathe. Than thos bastards of psychiatric sc*m! They think they can hospitalize me because I vocalize word: suicide? No! They are playing Gods! I don't believe in medicine and drugs! Nothing works! I'll go in woods and hunt. My territory. My rules! And live there! Look up what dr. Szasz has to say about horrific acts of psychiatry! We are all blind fools! Depression is hormone imbalance! Schizophrenics are most inteligent men! I am schizo and my psych don't even know of Latuda (lurasidone)! She actually had to google it! What a shame! I spit on the face of medicine! I will self medicate over black market. But certainly not this poisons. Why am I saying this? When I paid for specialists opinion 20$ I was told my libido is from long term use of thos sh.it.s!!! They can't do nothing until I commit crime! So one big FUC* OFF TO LIARS AND THEIR OATH! Why isn't there single psych who will prescribe you same meds? Each plays in Gods sandbox and we are their lab rats! I can fuc* my docs up! I can send lawsuits against them! They can't force me on anything since I did not do any crime! AMEN!

[sugarbeeMe]

Glad you made it to the doc! what is your next healthy step?

[destroyedlife]

Well, I don't really know. I have an appointment with psych 3rd of February. Couldn't be earlier. I won't die until than. I just don't know if my sexual health is because of depression, because of finasteride pills I took or because of long term SSRI use. It is in psyche sure, but which of these? I will try not to quarrel with my psych and, I am not playing a doctors role, I will recommend which AD I would and wouldn't take. SSRI-s are worst for sexual health, there are other medications that are STILL AD-s, and I really would consider atypical one, mirtazapine. It has least sexual side effects and least undesirable side effects. It increases a weight a bit, akathasia (I am used to it) and some other minor sides. In fact if she doesn't know which AD will work, I can recommend with which I would like to start. If I can even say "like". I am not fond of cramming my body with pills. I cut off promazine. It no longer has any effect at any dose. And it skyrocketed my prolactine and my liver is in danger cause of abuse of it. I would rather sleep when I feel sleepy and have messed up circadian rhythm, than use that poison. If midazolam and any (name any, I tried all benzos) can't get me to sleep, and yesterday again, haven't took any pill and fell asleep quite quickly. I think it's just useless to mess with benzos anymore. So healthy step from my point of view is getting mutual treatment agreement, it's sad fact that I know some parts of psychiatry better than she does. It's not like shopping for AD-s, but does she know which AD will work? No. Do I know? No. But I can start with one that feels the safest from side effects view. If I am curing sexual dysfunction, I won't mess it up just again.

I think that's my next healthy step.

[sugarbeeMe]

Originally Posted by destroyedlife

Well, I don't really know. I have an appointment with psych 3rd of February. Couldn't be earlier. I won't die until than. I just don't know if my sexual health is because of depression, because of finasteride pills I took or because of long term SSRI use. It is in psyche sure, but which of these? I will try not to quarrel with my psych and, I am not playing a doctors role, I will recommend which AD I would and wouldn't take. SSRI-s are worst for sexual health, there are other medications that are STILL AD-s, and I really would consider atypical one, mirtazapine. It has least sexual side effects and least undesirable side effects. It increases a weight a bit, akathasia (I am used to it) and some other minor sides. In fact if she doesn't know which AD will work, I can recommend with which I would like to start. If I can even say "like". I am not fond of cramming my body with pills. I cut off promazine. It no longer has any effect at any dose. And it skyrocketed my prolactine and my liver is in danger cause of abuse of it. I would rather sleep when I feel sleepy and have messed up circadian rhythm, than use that poison. If midazolam and any (name any, I tried all benzos) can't get me to sleep, and yesterday again, haven't took any pill and fell asleep quite quickly. I think it's just useless to mess with benzos anymore. So healthy step from my point of view is getting mutual treatment agreement, it's sad fact that I know some parts of psychiatry better than she does. It's not like shopping for AD-s, but does she know which AD will work? No. Do I know? No. But I can start with one that feels the safest from side effects view. If I am curing sexual dysfunction, I won't mess it up just again.

I think that's my next healthy step.

Great job. One healthy step at a time.