[MtnTime2896]

I can't get disability and I don't know if I'll be able to work. That alone has me stressed. Then there's the fact that my hallucinations are still very much around, to add to that fact, I didn't even realize how much I hallucinated until I peaked under 'the veil of sanity', so to speak. I got this damn lump on my neck growing ever-so-steadily. My migraines are occurring more often. My body tremors have returned and I don't know how or why; granted my anxiety's been a b****, lately. My SI isn't even SI, at this point because I have a plan in place, just not a time. The only thing keeping me from going through with it is the fact that I could be dying anyway and that's the best news I could get right now. The thing is, it's the worse news my fiance and others could hear. If it's back, I don't know if I can tell them. And it's been brought up by a couple people and one professional (pdoc) that I could have had schizophrenia this whole time. I don't know how I feel about that. I mean, I'm more likely to have MDD w/psychotic features; in my eyes. I'm suppose to start trauma therapy at some point but I can't.... I can't face that ****. Not now. Maybe not ever. I'm just a mess right now. I hate this. Why am I alive? Why should I stick around just to be dished more of life's blows? Why can't I just let go of this thread and fall?

I'm done with my 'poor me' rant. Sorry, in advance to anyone who reads this.

[shortandcute]

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

I can't get disability and I don't know if I'll be able to work. That alone has me stressed. Then there's the fact that my hallucinations are still very much around, to add to that fact, I didn't even realize how much I hallucinated until I peaked under 'the veil of sanity', so to speak. I got this damn lump on my neck growing ever-so-steadily. My migraines are occurring more often. My body tremors have returned and I don't know how or why; granted my anxiety's been a b****, lately. My SI isn't even SI, at this point because I have a plan in place, just not a time. The only thing keeping me from going through with it is the fact that I could be dying anyway and that's the best news I could get right now. The thing is, it's the worse news my fiance and others could hear. If it's back, I don't know if I can tell them. And it's been brought up by a couple people and one professional (pdoc) that I could have had schizophrenia this whole time. I don't know how I feel about that. I mean, I'm more likely to have MDD w/psychotic features; in my eyes. I'm suppose to start trauma therapy at some point but I can't.... I can't face that ****. Not now. Maybe not ever. I'm just a mess right now. I hate this. Why am I alive? Why should I stick around just to be dished more of life's blows? Why can't I just let go of this thread and fall?

I'm done with my 'poor me' rant. Sorry, in advance to anyone who reads this.

Why be sorry?
And just so you know they almost always turn down applicants the first and sometimes second time they apply for disability. Its their way of weeding out who needs it vs who just wants to play the system. Once you get turned down go to a lawyer that only accepts payment if they win the case. That way you have better odds. You will get any backpay owed you from the first time you applied as long as you reapply before the time to do so expires - but try to hire the lawyer before you apply if you can.

I can understand why you wish for death - but just because life is stressful and hard at the moment, doesn't mean it will always be that way. Positive thinking is good, but it's too hard right now - so all I'm asking you to do is consider this possibility...

What if you ended your life and then were given a look into what your future might have been. You saw a lot of days of misery...but you also saw days of pure joy and excitement and fun. Would you regret depriving yourself of those moments that could have been? Don't you think you've earned the reward of any drop of happiness you can have? Why take that from yourself?

[Fuzzybear]

[BrownHat22]

(((((((((So Leigheas)))))))))))))

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

Why be sorry?
And just so you know they almost always turn down applicants the first and sometimes second time they apply for disability. Its their way of weeding out who needs it vs who just wants to play the system. Once you get turned down go to a lawyer that only accepts payment if they win the case. That way you have better odds. You will get any backpay owed you from the first time you applied as long as you reapply before the time to do so expires - but try to hire the lawyer before you apply if you can.

I can understand why you wish for death - but just because life is stressful and hard at the moment, doesn't mean it will always be that way. Positive thinking is good, but it's too hard right now - so all I'm asking you to do is consider this possibility...

What if you ended your life and then were given a look into what your future might have been. You saw a lot of days of misery...but you also saw days of pure joy and excitement and fun. Would you regret depriving yourself of those moments that could have been? Don't you think you've earned the reward of any drop of happiness you can have? Why take that from yourself?

I get what you're saying but believe me when I say that the 'bad days/moments' haven't quit running a train on my life since I was so young that I can't remember. I don't know what it is to live without depression, along with many other things. Yeah, there have been good moments, some were downright euphoric; but the pain, even in the best moments, never stops. Hallucinations, flashbacks, intrusive memories and SI; they've been apart of my life every single day for so damn long now. I'm ready to punch my time sheet. I'm just waiting for the "bad news" to add the icing onto this miserable cake.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

I get what you're saying but believe me when I say that the 'bad days/moments' haven't quit running a train on my life since I was so young that I can't remember. I don't know what it is to live without depression, along with many other things. Yeah, there have been good moments, some were downright euphoric; but the pain, even in the best moments, never stops. Hallucinations, flashbacks, intrusive memories and SI; they've been apart of my life every single day for so damn long now. I'm ready to punch my time sheet. I'm just waiting for the "bad news" to add the icing onto this miserable cake.

I remember that pain... Went from the time I was 12 til I was 40. As you can see I still revisit it sometimes but now thats all it is - a visitation. I go months with happiness (stress too of course, life always has that) now whereas before all I saw was darkness and pain. What if you too get to this place at some point - but you robbed yourself of it too soon? Why not strive for the possibility of that reward?

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

I remember that pain... Went from the time I was 12 til I was 40. As you can see I still revisit it sometimes but now thats all it is - a visitation. I go months with happiness (stress too of course, life always has that) now whereas before all I saw was darkness and pain. What if you too get to this place at some point - but you robbed yourself of it too soon? Why not strive for the possibility of that reward?

You make a point I won't argue with. The funny thing is, I might not have a choice anyway. Maybe it's not so funny. The last time, when the news had been broken to me, the doc had tissues at the ready and a comforting hand on my knee. She looked so confused when I smiled. Then I laughed. I always said it was the best news for a person with a death wish to receive. Then I received it. Of course, I fought it then, the whole time thinking I had to do it for my fiance, mom and little brother. I didn't fight it for me. And no one cared why I fought it as long as I kept jumping through those hoops to get better. That's where everyone, including me, screwed up. Now, if it's back, I don't know if I'll fight. After all, what's the point in staying miserable?

[MtnTime2896]

I fought for them before but I don't think I have that strength this time.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Well... there's a couple points- the first I already discussed with you, the second is in my signature, and another is in the fact that if you don't fight - you are simply allowing your adversary of mental illness to win ... and in the short time i have come to know you, i believe you to have more strength and power than mental illness - but if you prefer to concede and let it win instead of continuing until you prevail .. that is a choice you are free to make... even as my heart mourns just to say it

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

Well... there's a couple points- the first I already discussed with you, the second is in my signature, and another is in the fact that if you don't fight - you are simply allowing your adversary of mental illness to win ... and in the short time i have come to know you, i believe you to have more strength and power than mental illness - but if you prefer to concede and let it win instead of continuing until you prevail .. that is a choice you are free to make... even as my heart mourns just to say it

Last time, I felt a piece of me die and fall away. If I fight it this time, I'll lose another piece. I'll lose another piece because, like last time, it's not my life I care about. It's everyone elses. I've said it a few times on here but I'll say it once more; I truly and unequivocally hate myself. Everything I do, I do for others, and it's made me even more miserable. Maybe I deserve it, I probably do. This punishment is mine and it's tearing me apart.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

Last time, I felt a piece of me die and fall away. If I fight it this time, I'll lose another piece. I'll lose another piece because, like last time, it's not my life I care about. It's everyone elses. I've said it a few times on here but I'll say it once more; I truly and unequivocally hate myself. Everything I do, I do for others, and it's made me even more miserable. Maybe I deserve it, I probably do. This punishment is mine and it's tearing me apart.

It's because you are doing as I used to do viewing yourself as and allowing yourself to be - a stepping stone for others. It's as if you are there to help them and then they move on ... you get dealt more misery.. someone else comes along that has similar issues to what you just experienced...you help them, they move on...rinse and repeat...right?
I thought that process could never change - and should never change, bc like you, I figured it was just something I was meant to do for whatever reason. But I was wrong. It can change ... if you want it to and are willing to work toward it.

[MtnTime2896]

It's true this is what I experience. It is the reason for my existence. Only few have stayed around. Really, only one now that I think about it. My fiance. It's weird that he won't leave. He must see something I don't.

This position I'm in, I deserve to be here. I deserve every bad thing that happens to me. And I cannot tell you why. I have nothing other than emotion behind this verdict. Hang the jury and let the judge lay down their gavel, because I plead guilty before the charges have been read.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

It's true this is what I experience. It is the reason for my existence. Only few have stayed around. Really, only one now that I think about it. My fiance. It's weird that he won't leave. He must see something I don't.

This position I'm in, I deserve to be here. I deserve every bad thing that happens to me. And I cannot tell you why. I have nothing other than emotion behind this verdict. Hang the jury and let the judge lay down their gavel, because I plead guilty before the charges have been read.

I had similar feelings ... because I had allowed my child to be put up for adoption instead of fighting for him. I actually had had a warning delivered to me (you can choose to disbelieve this part if you wish, it's ok) from what I perceived as the voice of God, though it may have been a different heavenly deity, I don't know. The voice told me that I would go through hardship no matter if I kept the child or gave the child away until he was old enough to be on his own, but if I chose to give the child away I would continue to endure hardship for many years after he is grown but that I would be blessed in other ways. I was given a choice. I chose to keep the child but then my dad withdrew all my money and refused to let me stay with him if I kept the child and my boyfriend left me and refused to help me - all when I was 7mo along. So I decided to choose parents for the child. I heard the voice one more time. It told me I would be barren after the birth of my son unless certain tasks were completed (which remained unnamed) by the time I was further into my adulthood. From that time on .. I lived like I told you ..as a stepping stone..but I also had relationships that involved people who had sons the same age my son would have been at that time, so in that way I got to see my son grow up. I felt it was the way God was choosing to teach me. If that were true though - I would not have been able to reverse it.