[MtnTime2896]

How do I put this?

I'm at my rope's end. I'm lost in this hell that is my mind. The meds don't help, the therapy doesn't help and there's nothing left to try. I'm just too far gone.

Earlier, I said I was a lost cause. I meant it. I am.

I want to give up. I want to give up so bad.

Again, I don't know what to do. I'm lost and it seems nothing can save me.

[AdelaClancy]

What if you just leave? Go somewhere new. And if you can't right now then make that the goal and go do it. It worked for me once. I had nothing else but the desire to start new somewhere else. And that's kind of what you want too isn't it? Dying might seem like one answer but there are more out there. Like finding a new place to start. Just one goal at a time. If you don't have a way of making enough money to go somewhere then see about easy jobs or maybe financial aid to go off to school. Something to go somewhere and get away from the things hat plague you right now, and then maybe eventually with enough time and space you'll be able to reflect back on now and the places and people that surround you and see that all the ****** parts are just things that make us stronger in the end. I still break and I still have hopeless days and nights but at the end of a tough string of days maybe there's one that's not so bad as the rest, and that means that's one more battle won and for the next battle we just need to figure out a new course of action. You're already stronger than a lot of others, and won more battles. And the more days you battle it seems like the war will never end, but it always does. And once you reach that point you're the warrior that defeated the evil inside your own mind. That's how I look at it anyway. I watch a lot of dystopian and war shows and that helps me some too on the day to day. I relate to the characters just trying to find their way and falling down over and over again. And they want to give up too, we all have those days. But they keep picking themselves up and fighting because they know, like we all do somewhere inside, that as long as we keep fighting there's better days on the horizon.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you feel so desperate.. Is there anyway we can help? Even just venting can relieve the pain. Please try to hang on.. even if you only have a small portion of hope left.. try to hang on that.

[qwerty68]

I don't think you are a lost cause. Far from it.

I know there is something out there for you.

[MtnTime2896]

I want to be gone. Entirely...

Talking to those I trust hasn't helped. And I lied, or at least downplayed what's going on.

Even here I'm downplaying it all because I can't tell everyone I care about what I'm really feeling. I can't do that to any of you.

I'm sorry I can't be 100% honest. I'm sorry I have to lie. And I'm sorry that I'm throwing in the towel.

Just... I'm sorry

[Wila]

Please get some professionell help. And don't do anything that you can not change your mind about later.

I really recon the feeling of lieing and tell everyone I'm fine. That sucks but most people isn't really interested in how one feels they only asks because it's polite.

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

I want to be gone. Entirely...

Talking to those I trust hasn't helped. And I lied, or at least downplayed what's going on.

Even here I'm downplaying it all because I can't tell everyone I care about what I'm really feeling. I can't do that to any of you.

I'm sorry I can't be 100% honest. I'm sorry I have to lie. And I'm sorry that I'm throwing in the towel.

Just... I'm sorry

When you wrote this--it was about 3:30 AM your time--have you slept yet? The inability to sleep can make us depressed and crazy....Seek help for sleep. More sleep could make a world of difference for you.

In hopes of not building tolerance to sleeping meds (most nights I only sleep 5 hours), I switch between three things (diphenhydramine-an otc allergy med that is very cheap, xanax or gabapentin) and purposely take nothing for a few days each month. I never take anything 2 nights in a row but I tend to sleep only 3-5 hours without anything. Have you tried diphenhydramine?

Are you still drinking? Drinking alcohol on a regular basis definitely contributes to depression and keeps us from having quality sleep. Só leigheas---do you have a drinking problem? I know how tough this is to beat. My grandmother was an alcoholic. The combination of being genetically disposed to it and feeling hopeless can make it hard to escape from it. It kills so much potential and motivation. If you are binge drinking everyday (I don't know , just asking) then it will interfere with all the other treatments for your depression and psychosis. Só leigheas--you have been suffering for so long--my attempt caused me to reevaluate my drinking habits--it's easier to lose weight and I get more done without drinking--now I only occasionally dream of the taste of a cold beer or wine spritzer. It was the best thing ever that I did for my mental and physical health........

[MtnTime2896]

My sleep has improved slightly if we're talking time. I still deal with flashbacks, nightmares and sleep paralysis.

When it comes to drinking, I spend much more time sober than not. Drinking doesn't help, so why do it? Nothing helps, that's the problem.

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

My sleep has improved slightly if we're talking time. I still deal with flashbacks, nightmares and sleep paralysis.

When it comes to drinking, I spend much more time sober than not. Drinking doesn't help, so why do it? Nothing helps, that's the problem.

Glad to hear that you are not a daily binge drinker. Sorry that my imagination makes me jump to conclusions. I can't imagine dealing with regular flashbacks, nightmares and sleep paralysis for so long. I do think one of the functions of dreams is processing things that have and are happening to us. Sometimes dreams are healing so I hope your nightmares turn into dreams someday. <<hugs>>

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you are struggling so much. Please keep fighting. Something will come along. We're here to support you if you need to talk or vent. Thinking of you.

[Fuzzybear]

I understand about lying and saying "I'm fine"..

Selfishly, I hope you stay on this ****ed up planet

[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

How do I put this?

I'm at my rope's end. I'm lost in this hell that is my mind. The meds don't help, the therapy doesn't help and there's nothing left to try. I'm just too far gone.

Earlier, I said I was a lost cause. I meant it. I am.

I want to give up. I want to give up so bad.

Again, I don't know what to do. I'm lost and it seems nothing can save me.

This may not be the best advice, but I've tried more meds than I can remember the names of and every Jedi mind trick I could come up with to try to basically trick my mind into "snapping out of" a depressive state. I've been fighting against mood swings and depression my whole life. And the only thing that works for me when all else fails is simply to go with it. I treat it like it was a flu. I tell myself, " well it's back and it sucks, I hate it, but I'm going to have to wait it out." The harder I fight against it trying to get out, the more frustrated and depressed I get. So when I feel like giving up, that's exactly what I do, BUT with the condition in mind that just as soon as I feel a break in the darkness I am GOING to get back up and try again. I never "give up" without the intention of getting BACK UP, but it will be on my terms, when I feel better. I think many of us make our bad days even worse, believing that it's not ok to not be ok. We tend to expect too much from ourselves even on our worst days and take on unnecessary guilt over things that we simply have no power over when we are down. I don't know about anyone else, but for me, I feel just a little more in control of my depression by giving myself permission to take time to myself, rest, sleep, do only add little or as much as I see fit until I feel better equipt to deal with life. Trying to push myself way past my limits has NEVER worked out for me. But try to ALWAYS hold on to the expectation that one day things will get better.

[RJ42]

Struggling is fighting in a sense. Fighting is important. Keep at it. As for answering the age old question "are you ok" with "yeah I'm ok" when you're not, is something I do because, I've found some people aren't asking out of concern. They do it out of reflex because they don't understand hell. Those of us that do understand, ARE concerned and DO care. I'm guessing trust is an issue for you as well. It is for me. Keep talking to us because it shows you're reaching out. Please continue to do so.

[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by RJ42

Struggling is fighting in a sense. Fighting is important. Keep at it. As for answering the age old question "are you ok" with "yeah I'm ok" when you're not, is something I do because, I've found some people aren't asking out of concern. They do it out of reflex because they don't understand hell. Those of us that do understand, ARE concerned and DO care. I'm guessing trust is an issue for you as well. It is for me. Keep talking to us because it shows you're reaching out. Please continue to do so.

You're right, struggling IS a form of fighting to keep going. I don't know about the OP, but there are times when I just get battle-worn. I need to walk off of the field for awhile and retreat from the war inside me. Sometimes when I just stop warring against myself for a day or two, my mind clears a little and I find a new approach, a new strategy, and a renewed strength. Part of the hell for me is the CONSTANT war that never ceases until I take control and determine, that's enough for awhile. It's a small victory to say, you know what I'M not doing this today! I'M not going to force myself to pretend that everything is alright, to go through all the motions just because it's expected of me by everyone else. I'M taking a sick day, stay in bed if I want (or whatever it is that makes you comfortable). For me it seems to take some of the power away from my illness and not lend my strength to it by carrying on with every day life while suffering though it all like there is nothing wrong. I sometimes wonder if that's why "normal" people don't bother to try to understand. Maybe they think that just because we get up and press on, put on a front for them rather than try and tell them everything that we're really going through, they see it as Oh they're ok. They can handle it they just don't want to...or whatever. I wonder if that may be why people don't get the severity of it, or how much strength and energy it takes for us to do the things they take for granted every day.

[MtnTime2896]

Thank you everyone.

RJ, you hit the nail on the head... trust is a huge issue with me. If people see me beaten down and weak, they'll use it. I only trust a couple people to see me as I truly am. I think most of my energy has gone to making myself seem un-phased by the world. Alone & confused; I think I'll attempt at your strategy. It'll be hard for me to put my guard down like that, but maybe it's worth a try.

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by AdelaClancy

What if you just leave? Go somewhere new. And if you can't right now then make that the goal and go do it.

Maybe. I'm having issues with planning anything for the future. My mind's so preoccupied.

I'll try planning something, though. Thanks for the advice.

[RJ42]

I understand. The only living thing I trust is my cat. People seem to be getting worse. Plan something simple to start with. Taking a road trip, a walk in the woods, anything simple.