Feeling so low. Need help. But there isn't any.

I had a rough week myself and wasn't coping well enough to be here. I'm just catching up on your updates and I'm glad to hear things are better.

As I said, I had not been on in a long while except off n on - until yesterday. So I had not read this.

I am comparing this to the one I read earlier today and wondering - could it possibly be the verbal insults n etc that has been making you so tired n just wearing you down? I know it does that to me, and the longer it goes on throughout the day or week or month - the worse the exhaustion n lack of "giving two flips" about anything you are supposed to be doing gets.

I also know what it is to have a doctor look at you and say "what do you want me to do about it?" Last time one told me that I told him the truth - "I don't know, you're the one with the medical degree, not me!" Didn't phase him one bit though, he just told me to go home n take some over the counter meds. So yea - the way I figure it now - unless I can tell em what is wrong with me and how to fix it - it isn't worth the gas.

You n I appear to have a lot in common - but I truly do not think it is your meds that are making your problems better or worse. In my view - the situation you are in makes them worse, your strength and determination makes it better at times. You are stronger than you know.
❤

The lack of warmth and appreciation from my guy is driving a lot of this, I do believe. He is getting the most wonderful gift a person in his shoes could get. I tell him that men with wives they treated well all their lives often end up in nursing homes. Even men with lots of money. For one thing, lots of older men have wives that are just as aged as they are, and couldn't physically do what I do. If he would once in a while say, "Boy, I'm lucky to have you in my life." I'm a sucker for a pat on the head. He's just so dumb.

He did used to have a wonderful, witty sense of humor. Dementia has taken most of that away. I miss who he used to be. I grieve for what is lost. I grieve for the loss ahead. He used to cook for ne all the time. It made me feel nurtured. Now, he can't do anything . . . except say nice things. But it doesn't seem to occur to him that nice words could be like gold to me now.

Have you ever mentioned that thought to him?

"I could use some appreciation at times or small compliments. I hurt too. Is it too much to ask for a kind word to make my day a bit brighter?"

Only about ten thousand times.

When he once in a rare, rare while says something nice, I hug him and tell him how good it makes me feel to encourage him doing that. He'll say that I should just know how he feels. I know that's what a lot of men say to a lot of women. But I think it does show an attitude of taking someone for granted.

Then he'll start saying "Thank you" for every little tiny thing I do, but it sounds robotic. Maybe he doesn't like to think that he owes me a debt of gratitude. Maybe I'm wrong to want him to. It's not even that I want him to feel indebted. I want to hear that he is very glad to have me here. Instead, he is always getting annoyed and snapping at me. That gets so demoralizing.

I know what you mean.
Honestly, I can tell you, not all men do that. Because I have seen it. My sister's husband both loves and appreciates her. I am like you however. Every man I have "had the pleasure" of being in a relationship with - has the idea "I should know how he feels" after he tells me a couple times. It hurts. I think it in itself borders on abusive - but is truly "emotional neglect", at least that's how it always felt to me.

I wish I could take your pain away. I know I can't. I also know there is no advice to give bc no matter what you do - he will never understand any reason he should change this. "It works well enough for him. The fact that it doesn't for you, is your problem, not his" - in his mind. He cares in the limited sense that he can - even before the dementia, there was a limit, bc full love requires a person to be able to both understand and put effort into supplying the needs and desires of their partner. People who think "I can, why can't you" or "it works for me - deal with it", do not have the capacity to fully love. So - then we are faced with a decision to accept them "as is", or go about our way.

Sucks I know.

I am not defending him at all Rose, not showing appreciation to your S O is a huge mistake that many people make, but you mentioned dementia, could that be effecting his behavior with the annoyance and snapping? I am not saying it's alright but perhaps it can't be helped.
To have to live with that behavior day in and day out would be very taxing and I can only imagine heartbreaking.

Stone, we had these kind of problems going back to forever. This is why I gave up living with him. I never stopped caring deeply about him, and I still enjoyed when we had a nice day together. Caregiving became a case of "mission creep." At first, I was just bringing his laundry to the nearest "wash and fold." Over a period of years, I took on one more task . . . and then another and another. I applied to programs to get him help, thinking they would do most of what he needed. Home attendants don't come in and take over responsibility like that, unless you find a very special person. Plus, he needs care 24/7.

I think about going to some Al-Anon meetings. They understand that a person can choose to stay with a partner who causes a lot of pain. Rather than say you should leave, they preach creating a life for yourself. I need to do that. And, yes, dementia makes him less able to take in what I ask of him .. . . but he never took it in, anyway.

Crypts, you sum up my situation very well. I think "emotional neglect" fits very well.

Yes, dementia will cause him to be more agitated (snappy, angry, etc) .. But like I said on Rose's other thread - she said he was emotionally abusive to her in past before the dementia too. Dementia causes him to "go back in time" in his mind too - so it is probably a blend of both of those things - a very unhealthy n toxic blend for her.

Al anon sounds like a good idea. I haven't been but they do seem good.

Stone, I do want to say that your point is well taken. I do have to be realistic in my expectations. Also, his daily life is full of trial and tribulation. Yet he never complains about hus disabilities. He is quite cheerful a lot of the time.

I believe I've been underestimating his dementia and how much his interactive capacities are affected by it. I did some reading this eve on line about vascular dementia. I am finding that finding your partner with this disease just doesn't talk much to you is pretty common. It's also common, I'm reading, that the caregiving partner gets angry, feels rejected and considers things as deliberate and wilful that aren't. No one tells you this stuff. You have to keep researching and figure it out.

I'm reading that these brain changes can actually make him feel indifferent toward me. I've been crying, feeling sorrow that I can't expect his feelings for me to be all that strong. Some of what I've been demanding that he understand probably really is beyond him. The long silences, my reading tells me, is the dementia.

I guess I'm just going to be more and more alone while with him. He's here with me, but in a way he's not here. The things I just read explain that it isn't just his memory that's going. His capacities to feel and care are going also. I read that apathy is part of what happens. What he sees when he looks at me isn't what he used to see. Me being mad and frustrated with him is just further damaging the remnant of the bond between us. He literally is unable to keep in mind all I expect him to think about.

I think I'll be more understanding.

It scares me that this could happen to me someday. I'll be alone. The prospect of losing so much of your mind, while you are still alive, is horrifying.

I guess I'll try to be nicer, so that what's left of his love for me doesn't whither away faster than it has to. Neither his adult children, nor my family realize how much this is for me to cope with. I feel angry that they all don't care more. It's not there problem, so . . .

Please care for yourself too ❤

You are amazing, Rose. I know you don't feel that way, but your determination to learn more, to understand this illness better, and to do what his own family can't seem to be bothered to do is going above and beyond in my book.

I've been completely torn, regarding the idea of forcing his family to care for him while you make some space for yourself, or staying with him to make the final stretch of his life as comfortable as possible. This changes my opinion a little too, but I still worry about you. Either way though, whichever direction you go in, you are an amazing person.

Don't forget about yourself in all of this Rose, you are very important and amazing to boot !

Sorry I haven't spoken up recently, but I don't feel I have much to offer on this kind of relationship issue. I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you.

Thanks for the posts above.

I know that depressed people tend to think things will never get better. So me thinking that is just the depression. Depressive episodes always have ended in the past. So it's reasonable to think that I won't just keep feeling this way. I must not be doing what I need to do to pull out of this tailspin.

Rose - just be careful. Just because his illness gives "legit" reasons for his behaviors, they are still abusive to your psyche. I don't think it's all about you going through depression. I think your circumstances brought on the depression.

Look after yourself too, please? ❤

I agree with Crypts, your wounds are as real as the words and behaviors that he exhibits, he might not have control over them but they can still wound.

At this point, I do worry mostly about myself. I ask myself, daily, "Would I feel better, if I stepped away from what I've been doing?" I believe that I wouldn't. I'm staying here as much for me as for him. This has been my "job" that has given me something to get up for in the morning. I think I might just stay in bed depressed, if I were alone.

I had bouts of severe depression long before I met him. But I've always been functional. To pdocs, I just don't seem that bad. One said my problem was more a personality disorder. That pdoc got to disliking me very much. She wasn't the first. How you get diagnosed can have a lot to do with whether doctors feel sympathetic toward you. I have a real gift for alienating people I've gone to for psych help.

I've tried telling myself that I need to become a better person. I need more self-discipline to get up in the morning and not waste day after day. I don't see me changing.

This has gotten awful bad.

Honestly Rose - you have changed quite a bit just in the time I have known you. I always thought you a good n caring person but we bumped heads like mountain goats. I don't know if its a good thing or a bad thing that you have changed so much. I have been trying to figure that out. It could be that you saw things in yourself and chose to change them = good, or it could be that you have been beat down so much you no longer have that fire inside to stand your ground "no matter what" = bad. I realize I have changed too. Mine has been a mix of both. But since you do not realize your changes - it concerns me a bit.

It could well be you have a personality disorder, but would that be so bad? At least you would have a starting knowledge of "how to fix it". Not all personality disorders have to be lifelong. BPD may or may not be for instance. You are right though, in order to get any kind of help, regardless of the "label" given - you need a good fit between doctor and patient. Are you still looking?

You are a good person and have always been a good person. Even when I whole heartedly disagreed with things you said, it was never because I thought you a "bad" person or that you needed to be somehow a "better" person.

I think you have let yourself become too much invested in him - meaning through him, his health, his happiness, what he says - is how you measure your self worth bc its as if you have actually handed a good measure of your spirit (for lack of better word) over to him. So yes, if you leave him - you will be miserable - but only for a time. That time will be however long it takes for your spirit to return to you n for you to start repairing it. The longer you wait to do that though, the more you will feel yourself growing tired - almost as if you are simply fading away into something else that you don't recognize. That's because that's what you are doing.

Believe it or not Rose, I care about you. I always have. Please look after yourself.

❤

I could disengage from him and be just as depressed for a somewhat different set of reasons.

You are the only one who can ultimately decide what is best for you. To me, it sounds like the only difference will be which choice you can more readily accept within your own personal set of morals and values.

I'm committed to caring for him.

A temporary separation?