Feeling so low. Need help. But there isn't any.

Hi you can talk to me anytime

In 2005, I got crushing chest pain and had someone drive me to the emergency room. Nothing was found wrong. It wet away as I was being driven to the hospital. I pretty quickly decided that this had been an anxiety attack. Since then, I've continued to get attacks like that from time to time, though not real often - maybe a half a dozen times per year and even less, or more during times of stress. Because I was absolutely convinced it had nothing to do with my heart and that it was a purely mental phenomenon, I totally believed I could just talk myself out of an attack. So that's what I do, and my way of handling it works just fine. It can be very painful and hurts when I draw in a breath. It can last 25 minutes, but never has for more than that. The main thing is to lie on my back and just concentrate on the idea that it's going to go away. I can almost always trace it to something having been worrying me. I'm convinced it's a delayed response to anxiety. The anxiety is usually something very specific that I can identify. A pain pill doesn't work on it. What works is concentrating on my expectation that it will go away, if I just relax my mind.

I'm applying the same thinking to this. In a way, I think this "thing" that is happening to me now has something to do with anxiety, even though it feels like depression. I've noticed that depression and anxiety tend to be intertwined and tangled up, in a way that can feel confusing. (Depression, I suspect, is a way to try and reduce anxiety. Anxiety seems to be - for me - a state of mind where I'm trying frantically to think, but not coming up with any useful line of thought. Depression seems like giving up trying to think of what to do because I feel it won't matter what I do.) So I'm hoping that I can treat this awful state I've been in like the chest pain attacks I occasionally get and that the same approach could work and let me get rid of this too.

The hydrocodone is kicking in, and this plan I just came up with has given me some hope. The main thing is to mentally slow down. I was in a panic, and that has lessened.

I think that, when you intensely fear something getting worse, what you fear becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. In that way, the problem snowballs.

I have been fearing that I can't get rested enough to have the energy to do anything. That's why I was mainly talking about sleep to the psychiatrists last night. That didn't seem like any emergency to them, especially when I told them sleep has been a problem for me all my life. The real issue last night was the anxiety I was having about my sleep situation. When you have escalating anxiety about a problem, that anxiety, itself, can become the bigger problem.

Now I feel like falling asleep again.

Sooner or later, any crisis dissipates.

I'm not really okay, but I'm not feeling as bad as I was earlier, so at least my state of mind is changing in the right direction.

It is good of you to ask, and I thank you.

I appreciate each and every post above. It means the world for someone to believe me that I've been in a bad jam mentally.

Last night I felt like the staff at the psych crisis unit thought I was just taking up their time undeservedly. I felt like they just wanted to get rid of me. Well - just about any time I've ever gone over there, it's been this same story. I leave feeling even way worse than when I walked in. Then I vow to never go to that place again. It takes an incredible amount of psychic pain to convince me to approach them.

I'm not so bad off now.

I feel like I could have written this. You’re not alone. I’m glad to hear that the medication was able to help you to clearer thinking. It definitely helps to have a plan, at least it does for me. A goal helps me navigate, helps me built steps that I’ll need to take to get to that goal. After today, I have that goal, sounds like you have one too.

I'm relieved you're feeling a touch better. It's awful when, on top of everything, the medics look at you with the I don't know what you're doing here look you described. Keep talking to us! Love.

Four years ago, I called my brother because I was awfully depressed. He let me know that didn't interest him in the slightest. I had bailed him out of jail, attended his court appearances and sent books and clothing to him in prison.

Around that time, I got called and uninvited into a job training program for persons with disability that I had been recruited into. After orienting me to the program, they phoned to say I seemed too emotionally weak. Right after that phone call, I got another phone call from one of my sisters. She told me that I just overly dwell on my disappointents.

It wasn't enough that those two weren't very humane. They each had to stick the knife in and give it a twist, as they were pushing me away. Well, time goes by and hurts receed into the dimness of fading memory. I rarely approach anyone IRL looking for support. I mostly depend on myself and try to be self-reliant. Last night, the nurse at the psych center asked if I had family support. When they see me sitting there unaccompanied, it should give them a clue to how alone I am.

I guess my expectations going to that psych facility last night were unrealistic. So maybe It's a lesson I can learn from.

I canceled my appointment tomorrow to see my PCP about this change in my state of mind. I'm running around looking for an encouraging response. I don't know that I'm strong enough to keep being shown coldness and just not let it touch my soul. Somehow I have to be enough for myself. That's what I am telling myself right now.

I slid back down and have to pull myself up again. So I have to tell myself the same peptalk:

I've gotten very distressed mentally before. Eventually, it always goes away. Eventually, I have always gotten back to feeling okay. In the depths of a bad episode it seems like it will be permanent, but it never has been.

I am trying to convince myself that I will get over this. It would be good to put the digital device down and start tending to paperwork I need to sort through and mail I need to open. As awful hard as it can be to start doing constructive things, that has been the opening to a path forward before. I can't find a little knob of hope to grab onto right now, but I tell myself to keep feeling around.

Oh, that's an awful lot. The stuff with the family sounds particularly hurtful. I'm not sure that I have anything helpful to say on all that at the moment. I'm a little mentally fatigued today. Please keep posting if it helps. I just wanted to offer some emotional support and let you know I'm sorry for what you're going through right now.

Thanks, Cepheid. I don't expect anyone to tell me a lot . . . just for someone to understand that I don't have a lot of help and I'm in distress.

I hope your fatigue gets remedied by a good night's sleep.

Posting here is helping me keep track of my thinking.

I appreciate anyone feeling some empathy for me. It's not that I'm looking for guests to a pity party. I'm trying to come up with a plan that I can believe on.

I care for another person who is dependent on me. My S.O. relies on me. I had been glad to have that responsibility and took satisfaction in doing a good job of it. But, when I seriously decompensate, I have to still keep meeting his needs, or tell the powers that be that they have to make other arrangements for him. An announcement like that is a very big deal. I am desperate to pull myself together before I have to turn his care over. I already started a thread - days ago - saying I'm not keeping on top of my caregiver responsibilities all that good. Relinquishing his care by me would cause him to be moved to a nursing home. I don't want to disrupt his life and mine like that. When I'm my normal self, we are a family for each other and pretty content together. I tried to tell them at the psych hospital last night that for me to get incapacitated by bad depression creates a crisis for another human being. If I can normally do such a good job taking care of a very dependent man, I would hope that should earn me a little respect to have my plea for mental health support taken seriously.

Sure thing. Everyone needs someone to talk to.

I find "pity" tends to be such a loaded word for so many people. It can be a fine line. I certainly don't want to wallow in feeling sorry for myself, but I also recognize the need to cut myself some slack at times and trying to show myself some compassion. I'm still working on that.

It sounds like you cope pretty well, all things considered. I hope things turn around sooner rather than later.

Thanks, I'm sure it will, or soon thereafter. It doesn't feel serious -- just meh, and a lot of "I'm sorry, what was the question again?"

Yes, I think it's important for them to realize that. Both for the load it places on you, and the effect it will have on him.

Best of luck.

Woke up an hour ago. Feeling really bad.

I've told myself that this will blow over and I'll be alright again. I've been through this before. The best thing to do would be to do any little constructive thing that I can.

I just took 3 Baclofen to try and go back to sleep.

I feel very bad.

I think about suicide.

But I've been this bad off before, and it always got better.

Been awake since 3:30 a.m. Already been fighting with my s.o. the two of us snarling at each other. His VA nurse comes by today. I think I'm going to tell her I can't take care of him. Last night, I forgot to give him his bedtime meds.

I'm worried for you, Rose. I really hope you do tell the nurse.

Big hugs.

I'm inclined to agree.

I know you're quite worried about making a serious decision right now, but you should probably at least tell the nurse how you're really feeling. I realize she's there more for him than you -- but you're not getting the support you need elsewhere. Everyone needs help at times.

Please do tell the nurse Rose. You need some help and support. Please keep posting so we can provide some comfort and understanding. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I know how it feels to be sliding down and to know you’re sliding down. I empathize. Please reconsider going to see a PCP or back to that clinic and let them know suicide has crossed your mind. That’s not a threat on your part...just letting them know how deep this is. Thinking of you.

Thank you for your posts.

I have been having trouble waking up.

I called the crisis line a little while ago. The lady on the phone tried to be nice. I explained about the tinnitus and the excessive sleeping. I explained that I went to the psych center . . . that there's nothing much anyone is going to do. Today they called and offered me an appointment to see a nurse over there.

I think about going to a psychiatrist in the community. That will take a few hundred dollars, just for the initial visit.

I think about calling the VA to hand over care of my boyfriend.

Now I just want to go to sleep.

One thing at a time, Rose. No need to decide everything all at once. That will only overwhelm you.

If you can possibly scrape together the money for private, why not do that? I know it's expensive. But you seem really low. This tiredness, and the way you describe your sleep, is very concerning. It sounds almost like despair. People would spend that on a holiday, wouldn't they? I can't imagine what money is for if not to help someone who is so in need.

I know you keep hoping this will pass, but it sounds like its getting worse.

Forgive the bossiness.

You deserve care.

Thank you, PVB.

I fell back asleep for an hour. The tone in my head is still there. This is not the worst thing in the world. People all over the town I live in are dealing with way bigger problems and worse heartbreaks. I tell myself that I'm just making way too much of a setback that I can learn to accept.

I just keep going to sleep. It's the easiest thing to do.

If the doctors at the psych emergency would have taken this more seriously . . . But what could they have done? This morning, the psych hospital called to offer me an appointment to come in and see a nurse. I guess I would have seen a nurse in a few weeks and then a psychiatrist in another month or two. That seems so invalidating. I'm asking to be helped now, but no one is going to give in to my demandingness.

My boyfriend suggested I go to a different emergency room. Too late now. His attendant leaves in an hour and then I take over his care.

My little mini-drama is of no great consequence. Thank you for seeing some importartance in my plight. I might go back to sleep now.

I spoke to a good friend on the phone, who always makes time for me . . . . someone who has been through very hard times, herself. While talking to her, I forgot about the "dialtone" in my head.

I need to clean up the apartment and restore some order that's been lost over the past few days. That will probably improve how I feel considerably. It won't make me happy, I don't think. That may not be attainable in the short term. Getting back to feeling my "normal" self - which is pretty decent a lot of the time, despite recurring intervals of depression - make take a series of efforts to accomplish small things . . . and not so small things that I've let pile up. When my life is better organized - as in his apartment and mine being straightened out - all problems will seem more manageable . . . which they are.

I have to find a strategy to reduce this excessive sleepiness. I'm kind of okay now because it's late in the eve and that's always when I feel the best, mentally. The mornings are excruciating. Each morning I waje up in a deep trough that I have to climb out of. It's laborious. Then, no matter how good I eventually make the day, the next morning I have to start all over again. I'm almost afraid to go to sleep. I know that, during the night, I will lose all the ground I gained during the day. Each morning, I have to start from scratch making myself care enough to live another day and make it productive. During the night all the motivation drains out of me. I hate having to fight this battle every morning. No matter how late I sleep, it's never enough rest. So I gave in to the false fatigue and have spent the last few days mostly in bed. That just makes me tireder.

If I pick up the house tonight, it will be less hard getting out of the bed in the morning.

How are you feeling now?