I Lie

I lie on almost every occasion. If for some reason I can't, I simply do not speak.

Here, I don't lie. I do hide things I cannot bear to speak of.

I'm not fine. I'm not even close. I was unable to get up today. So, I've had a few drinks and now I can move. I can laugh, engage and pretend I am fine.

I say it to myself over and over, "I am fine." But I'm not. I've thought about dying almost all day. I have thought only of forbidden childhood memories in between. I am not fine.

But here I am. And "I am fine."

So do I. About stupid, irrelevant every things. I lie because I feel like I'm protecting myself. I lie because of the bad decisions I've made. I lie to feel like maybe all of it is better than it seems.
Lying probably makes it all worse. I know what I would like to be, but choosing is different and difficult and more detached than I can ever achieve. You helped me though. "We all have a reason to go on". I suppose I have reasons I don't choose to see sometimes. dark times

I think when the pain gets bad - everyone lies to those who have no possible way of understanding. Both to avoid confrontation and argument - but also to avoid self-realization of what's going on. If we do not speak it aloud - it's easier to pretend it doesn't exist.

I am glad you at least speak of it here. That gets some of the reality of it through, and allows some of the tension of it out. You are overloaded now though. That's why you are drinking n thinking of death. Is there anyone you feel safe expressing your thoughts and feelings to in your personal life? Having someone there with you can help.

(((((((( So leigheas ))))))))

Not anymore. Not because of betrayal or anything. I just know I need to be their rock right now. They need someone who can be there for them and not put anymore stress on their shoulders.

Are you still with your fiance? (possibly husband by now idk)

Yeah I do this all the time, it's very annoying.

If I may ask, did you come to any conclusions or have any more feelings about this previous stuff below?

I thought maybe that sounded a little hopeful given time.

Yeah, me too. In my case nothing alarming, scary, or that makes me a bad person, but there are things. So I understand.

Hi Leigheas,

I too understand that feeling of needing to be a rock for others despite having my own significant issues.

You are not alone.

My fiance and I haven't talked about this stuff. I don't lie to him, but I play it all off as something easy. I guess that's sort of lying.

We've been fighting anyway. It's like it doesn't matter what I do or don't do, I always do something wrong. I shouldn't say "fighting", it's more like he gets mad and I get quiet. I let him say what he has to say (I'm thankful he isn't a yeller) and then I just say, "Okay. I'm sorry." Then we don't talk to each other for a day or two, or three.

I opened up that once and haven't wanted to since. She's always stoned anymore, anyway. I doubt she's noticed. I tried to talk a little after therapy on Wednesday, but instead I just sort of listened to what she had going on. And now, well I never see her sober. She told me that she has a plan and didn't talk anymore about it. I'm not one to push, so I didn't. Just listened to the other stuff she had to say.

My other best friend tried to talk to me tonight. Wanted to know what was bothering me. I sort of shut him down and then changed the subject. He's not the kind of guy to dig and I'm grateful for that.

Is he emotionally abusive to you?

Not even close. Yes, he seems to get annoyed at something pretty often, but he doesn't put me down or intentionally make me feel like a piece if crap. I just tend to always feel like that, so anything else just sort of amplifies the feeling. It all just makes the stuff in my head get louder. Honestly, my fiance is a really good guy. It's just, lately, we're going through a rough patch and I don't have the energy to fight, in any context of the word.

Yea - that's why I asked. I realized it could also just be the depression playing in.

I have a feeling (could be wrong) perhaps your depression is part of what is causing some of the stress on the relationship. It may help just to be honest with him. I remember you talking about how understanding he always was before...

He is understanding. He really is. It's just... I can't say what I'm feeling. I can't verbalize how screwed up I am. I'm barely staying alive. And I'm watching everyone, including the love of my life, struggle so much. They don't need the me who can't get out of bed, the me who panics because they walked in front of a mirror or stepped on a crack, the me who can't keep these damn memories out of my head, the me who hasn't stopped formulating a plan and searching for the proper date.

I can't burden any of them with this crap. They know I struggle and it needs to stop there. They're falling apart, Crypts. And I can't stop it. The least I can do is not add onto it.

Sometimes knowing you aren't alone in pain is better than just having a support through pain - especially when its your partner.

I definitely can't argue with that.

I don't know if I want him that close. I don't want him to see me as weak. I don't want him to see this part of me. He already sees so much.

I'm not afraid that he'll leave. I'm afraid that he'll stay. I don't know if that makes sense.

What scares you about him staying?

This will probably sound melodramatic, but it's sort of a pattern of my life.

It's the people that stay that hurt you the most. People who stay turn you into their chew toy. And they chew and tear at you until you have nothing left, or they eventually just get bored. And right when you admit that you're at a point where you need them most, they fall short -- whether on purpose or accident -- and then they leave you to die. At that point, they don't even want to offer you water while you suffer from dehydration.

Yes, he's the best guy I know. I feel like a real POS for not giving him more credit. I just can't trust it. And I can't seem to change that.

Sounds like my reasoning for not wanting to live. I feel like even if this abuse stops - more will just start later. No sense in waiting. Still I won't take my own life.

You're a very strong person.

And I understand your reasoning. That's what I believed throughout my time living with my dad. That's why it took me so long to leave, but I did. I met my fiance and so far, nothing's happened. But that's my problem, that "so far" mindset. I'm always waiting for it. From someone, anyone. A part if me, as sick as it may be, actually wants it to happen. I mean, it's how I lived for so long. I'm almost three years out of it and I'm still not used to the lack of chaos I used to know. I know how to live in the chaos. Here, things are too peaceful for me to feel safe.

I'm not that strong.

I just know attempting is fruitless.

See - we are similar. I went almost 3yrs without abuse after 28yrs of being in it. I thought it was over - n now, here it starts again. It's like a huge punch in the gut n I just really don't even care to try to struggle against it again. When I say I want out its cuz I don't understand why God won't take me out of this world. Leaving this abuse would just land me in another - I learned that last time. So no purpose doing that. And I have no faith in it remaining "better" even if it stops.

I totally understand you. You are waiting for the other shoe to drop. I would be too. I don't think its something that is explainable to anyone who has never been there.

People wanna call it "the victim mentality". Okay, fine, I don't care. Call it whatever. Live my life. Then judge. That's how I feel about it anymore. I don't know about you.

*hugs*

My advice for you though - try to give him at least a "twig" from the proverbial "branch" to reach you with. See how much trust he can earn. Piece by piece.

That makes sense. I'll try.

I hope you will find success in it. ❤