Me, whining again. Depressed.

Well, it's me again, with my same old story. I'm depressed and barely meeting the needs of my s.o. whom I care for. He just got out of the hospital a few days ago. That got me upbeat for a while. I took down all the xmas stuff and packed it all neatly away. When I can get going on a project, I tend to do a good job and feel very satisfied. But, yesterday and today, I just fed him and tended to him and left the apartment messy.

I wake up every morning very lethargic. I stay lethargic and uninterested in anything all day. Then I feel much better every evening. I am trying to see a pdoc to ask for a stimulant to take in the a.m. I do breakfast and go back to sleep. I do lunch and go back to sleep. My boyfriend also doses all morning and afternoon. He sits in a comfortable chair in front of the TV and sleeps most of the day. It's contagious. Only in the evening, like me, he becomes alert and interested in what's on TV. I try to stimulate him, but most of the day he just won't wake up. He'll nod off while I'm talking to him. It can feel very lonely. He's pretty much homebound. I won't take him out to eat during flu season. He doesn't even enjoy it. He wants to just to sit in front of the TV and sleep. At least he get's out of bed more than I do.

He doesn't realize that constant caregiving is depressing. Even when he was healthy, he never understood depression. He never was one to get depressed. He told me that being depressed was something I did to myself. He has no idea that I am constantly struggling with depression now. Even when I tell him, he has no idea what I'm talking about. He forgets about it two seconds later.

People keep telling me that "You can't take care of someone else, unless you take care of yourself first." That sounds so sensible, except for one thing: It's not true. On my worst day, I take care of him better than the hospital or nursing home did. No matter how crappy I feel, his essential needs always get met. No matter how much I am neglecting myself, he is taken care of. I can get respite, whereby the VA will pay for him to be in a nursing home for up to a month. If I had a month's vacation, I could do some good things for myself. However, he would go downhill. Been there and did that. He came out with an infection, a pressure sore and weakened legs and weight loss.

If I wasn't so depressed, I could take care of me and him. People do it all the time. Every evening after dark, I feel pretty good. But, all morning and afternoon, I feel almost paralyzed with sleepiness. I don't know if a stimulant will help. I woukd try anything. I'm afraid the pdoc will just say, "You have to take care of you, so you can take care of him." Not true. I am taking care of him. I'm not taking care of me. I'm depressed, but it doesn't cause me to neglect him in any important way. You can drain yourself taking care of someone else. People act like there is no either/or choice to make. There is. It can come down to an unpleasant reality: that to make my life better, I'ld have to be okay with seeing his life be worse. No one will believe me on that.

Thanks for sharing your situation. I can certainly relate to feeling lethargic all day & then waking up to watch TV at night (especially if there's a BBC mystery on our local public television station!) I don't spend my days watching TV. But I do spend a good chunk of them on the internet... which pretty-much amounts to the same thing I suppose. Anyway... best wishes with regard to your pdoc appointment.

First of all, good for you for helping him out. You sound like a very compassionate person. It sounds like a very big job with a lot of different factors involved!
Second, “caretaker burnout” is a very very very real thing. I would encourage you to google it and see the steps that can be taken to alleviate the emotional and physical ailments you’re suffering through.

I’m so sorry, Rose. I hope things get better - for both you and your SO - very soon.

For what it’s worth, you sound like a truly amazing, compassionate person. Hang in there. I’ll be thinking about you.

- Singin’

I believe you. You'd have to be okay with seeing him worsening in another's care, be it a nursing home or hospice or whatever. No one will be able to caretake him as you do, because you love him. It's like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. Take time during the day when you can to not only rest, but possibly find a hobby or interest you have that could give you some joy. I hope the pdoc appt. helps. I don't know about stimulants. My pdoc prescribed adderall but it didn't make me accomplish more. Just a spacey feeling.

Hi Rose!

You clearly have a huge heart!

Caretaking can add to feeling drained, can cause/add to stress and to depression -- for sure.

I deal with severe depression and have been doing a lot of caretaking for my mom. While I would not have it any other way, it's definitely an added challenge.

I utilize a stimulant and find it helpful; yet, not a cure-all. I still don't do well unless I am taking care of myself, getting enough sleep, eating nutritious meals, finding balance in life.

Is there anyone who is willing to help you with caretaking? Can you get out at all for a break?

I hope you find some relief from paralyzing depression very soon!

Much Love to you and to your S.O.


WC

Hi Rose, were you already tested for all the health conditions that can cause sleepiness?

Why not try a stimulant. I take a small dose now, and although they are not the greatest, it really helps with the depression. I, too, realized that I feel better when I am active; also productive and accomplish things. When I don't, the hopeless feeling returns--that my life will never get better. The stimulant helps you get going on projects, but it's properties also help me with mood in general.

If you want another idea, there is Agomelatine, the antidepressant drug that works on melatonin and resets your sleep cycle. Odd that you feel better at night but sleepy all the other time....

That sounds really rough. He is lucky to have you.

Through Medicaid we do have 30 hours per week of a home attendant being here. So I go shopping. etc. when she is here. That sounds like a lot of help. For some people, it's plenty. It doesn't allow me to go home to my own apartment for a meaningful span of time. A lot of the time, I just sleep while the attendant is here. Lately he's been real sick with one thing after another. (Intestinal bleeding . . . then pneumonia.) An attendant can't cope with those conditions. They'll heat things up in the microwave, but they won't really cook. So I have to prepare food that's easy to reheat. I don't get much of a break from having the attendant here. The main help is that she does his laundry.

I don't know that I have any great heart. Being with him spares me from being all alone. I have no one but him. But he requires constant around the clock attention. It's a lot for one caregiver, even with some attendant hours. When it started getting this intense, I thought he didn't have long to live. But I've been doing this for 3 to 5 years. He stopped being able to cook 6 years ago. Now I tell myself he might be around needing lots of care for a few more years. I don't think I can keep this up for that long. But I don't want him to be left to a less careful level of care. He's been in hospitals, rehabs and nursing homes. He doesn't do too well in facilities. There's no easy answer.

If a stimulant in the morning helped even a little, it would be something.

I totally understand what you're feeling. I mean, I'm not a caregiver, but I do understand. I especially understand about people saying that if you can't care for yourself, how can you care for another? I take excellent care of my two dogs, but I don't take great care of myself.

I also have trouble with the mornings. I have been overcoming it little by little. It's not a motivation thing for me, it's an anxiety thing that manifests as depression. Little by little as I work on facing my anxiety and learning to cope, the dread of facing the new day wears off.

I was in the same place. Get up, walk dogs, eat some breakfast, sleep, get up, walk dogs, eat lunch, sleep, get up, walk dogs, eat dinner, sleep. For four or five months this summer/fall. Eventually I just couldn't allow myself to go on like that. It was tough to pull myself out of the rut. But I got some books at the library and slowly started reading and figuring out how to work myself out of the rut. I am still at a place where I need a 90 minute nap every day, but that's better than I was before.

I got a coffee maker, and that did help a bit with the mornings and lifting me up a bit. I don't drink that much caffeine though, just maybe two cups in the morning.

I also try and force myself to stay up and just do anything but sleep, so that my sleep at night is better. So I practice my guitar or I force myself to draw or paint. It makes me feel better. And I am forcing myself, but once I get started I forget that I was forced and start to enjoy it. I found my library gives free group guitar lessons and other courses, like HTML coding. So I just started going to those to give myself something to do. Just being around people helps a bit.

I would see if there are any free events you can take part in during the day. And even if you don't want to go, go. I think the thing with depression, in my experience, is that it feeds itself. You have to find a way to break the cycle or it just keeps feeding itself. You get more and more down. It's also sort of self-fulfilling. I don't mean that in an accusatory way, I just mean that, we feel depressed, so we let ourselves continue to be depressed because it takes too much energy to pinch the hose of depression so the flow stops, you know? So if you can just find enough energy to do something to pause it for a little while, that will get you closer to some recovery.

Of course, I don't know all of your situation and your feelings. But I do feel like I understand what you are going through, and it's not easy. It was very hard for me to make any changes, and in the end, it really was a decision that enough was enough and I just said "**** my depression" and even though it's still there, because I won't let it take over, it's somewhat manageable. I'm not at all saying this is easy. My depression is chemical, not situational, and I am not on meds, so I know what I'm saying sounds impossible. But I'm serious that just trying something will help, anything. Even if it's going to a lecture at the library for an hour. Every little bit helps you feel like you're doing something.

So, this is just from my perspective what has helped me. I really feel for you because I know how difficult it is. Some days I still can't even get out of bed, so I'm not anywhere near perfect or "cured."

I hope this might help you a little. Know that I know what you're feeling and I understand how difficult it is, that it is REAL, and that it's not your fault.

Seesaw

Thank you seesaw, especially for your specific strategy. I'ce been looking at coffee brewers. (I currently don't have one; just drink instant and not often.) I bought Starbucks doubleshot coffee drink.

I even bought pseudoephedrine tablets to take in the morning to see if they might help wake me up. I know that's kind of pathetic.


This has been a day of awful inertia. My bf is getting annoyed that I'm not tidying up. The place isn't bad, but there are piles of messy paperwork on the dining table. He particularly gets upset at paper clutter. He starts by saying, "We need to get this place straightened up." That's kind of cute because he can't help at all, but wishes he could. If I bring in a stack of mail, he offers to open all the envelopes, and I let him. But now he has escalated to muttering to himself when he goes by the table, "Look at this effin place."

I want to tell him that I am becoming very depressed. That would be futile. He never had any compassion for depression. Now, with the demention, I can't hold a conversation of any length with him about anything. Even if I break down crying in front of him, which I mostly avoid, he just acts completely confused about what's going on with me . . . and he is confused. That's a lot of why I am depressed. He has enough dementia to where there is no real possibility of discussion about anything at all.

Now I am choking back sobs. There is no one I can talk with about any of this, except posting here. Right now he is getting lonely, sitting in the living room by himself. All day, he watches TV. I'm in the bedroom now for a change of scenery. (It's a small apartment.) Soon he'll call and ask what I'm doing. He's like a child and even sweet like a child. But he has no ability to say anything encouraging to me.

I could go to the laundromat just to get out of the house for a while. He could be alone for a few hours. Or I could go to the store. I should do the dishes and straighten up that table. I'ld feel better, if I did it.

Three years ago, or so, I went to the psych clinic. A counselor there told me I should consider doing less and being less involved with him. I guess that's about all anyone ever thinks of saying. I see their point.

Neither of us has any family for thousands of miles. There is nobody to visit or to stay with him for me, except who we get through Medicaid or who I hire with VA money. Then I wonder where am I supposed to go. At my apartment there is no food because I got sick of throwing it out spoilt. The cable TV is disconnected, along with my Internet service. My apartment feels creepy to me now when I go there . . . like a ghost house, where there is no life. Living in a place gives it life.

I thought of getting a small dog, for company, but when I recently spent hours and hours at the Emergency Room - 3 times since Christmas - I thought how a new dog would have been a problem. Eleven years ago I had a dog. She would wait patiently in the car, when I would be at the hospital for one reason, or another. As long as it wasn't too hot for her. She was good sized and athletic. I wasn't afraid to leave all the windows open a few inches. But you can't do that with a small dog because people steal them. I can't get another bigger dog.

It seems unfair that I am conscientious about all his needs, which are consuming, but he gets to be oblivious to my emotional problems. A little while ago, I went out to give him his nighttime medications, and I told him that I feel very depressed. Just now, 30 minutes later, I hear him chuckling at the comedy movie he's watching. He is in a world all his own, unaffected by my issues.

Also, he'll only go to bed later for a short while. Then he'll go back to his chair in the livingroom and sleep most of the night there. He says he just can't sleep for long lying down. Seeing him sleep in that chair all night also creeps me out.

Years ago, when the relationship was so poor that we stopped living together, I didn't foresee this happening - - - that I would end up being a permanent guest in his home, which is not my home. If this were our home, I would feel more content here. But it's not. I'm here living out of a few bags. In life you have to crap or get off the pot. I tried to have it both ways. I tried to get out of an unhappy relationship, but hold on to it too. Because miserable as it was at times, it had given me the most happiness I'ld ever known. So I wouldn't really stay, and I wouldn't really go. For that I am now getting punished. What I did was unwise. I am a foolish person. I live a foolish life.

(((Rose)))

I commend you for having such a high moral standard that, even when the relationship was poor, you still stick around to give this man dignity in his illness. It's almost like he is not a partner anymore; more like he is an ill, elderly relative that you are caring for, with no emotional connection other than what has happened in the past. I wonder if it would do yourself any good to turn off, as much as you can, your emotional connection to him, in a way to protect yourself. I'm not suggesting you stop caring for him, but if you can change the narrative in your head, it may help.

I refuse to believe that we are stuck in our circumstances. You do have the option of walking away, of calling his family and saying "I'm done. You need to take over." And yet you do not, because you have such a high moral code that you would martyr yourself for this man. Please take no offense to these words; I'm simply in true amazement at your commitment to this duty that you take so seriously. I do not know that if I could do what you do, if I were in your shoes.

You hit on a lot of things, that he cannot understand your depression. Due to his failing cognitive abilities, he does not have the capacity to understand or give you any compassion. You must find this elsewhere. Is there no local caregivers support group that you can attend? Or perhaps a chapter of NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness, they hold peer-to-peer support groups) or Bipolar-Depression Alliance (also holds peer-to-peer support groups).

I know the situation seems overwhelming and that there is no end in sight or no overcoming it or any progress to be made, but I at least think you would feel better if you had a support group to check into, just once a week. People you could see in person who would understand what you are going through. Going to NAMI has been one of the greatest resources for me. I've met people who know exactly what I go through and exactly what the effects of my disorder do to me.

I laugh that you are looking at a coffee maker. I asked my mother for a coffee maker for Christmas and she sent me a very fancy one that has a timer on it and everything. It actually has made quite a big difference for me. Although I find I am sensitive to coffee, and if I drink it after noon, I have difficulty falling asleep at midnight. But without my two cups in the morning, I can't make it through the day. It's so crazy how fine the line is for me.

I don't think it's pathetic at all that you bought stimulants. You are doing what you need to try and make it through the day. I don't judge that at all. Back when I was working a full-time job, I started every day off with a 5-hour energy. I hated the taste but it got me through the work day (often 10-12 hours long or longer) and then some. I am happy to be off that schedule now and can manage my energy level differently.

Do you do anything for physical activity? I'm just wondering if maybe like a weekly yoga class or something would help you just meet some people and be around them for an hour a week. I think you really just need to be around other people. I find this often helps me quite a bit. I can be super depressed and unable to function, but then have a call with a client or have a client meeting, and afterwards I feel so energized just from having human contact.

There's got to be some small thing you can do for yourself to help you get through each day/week.

It does feel like a great moral quandary. It so happens I worked in nursing homes and am horrified at what they can be like. I managed to find better ones to work in, but they've either closed or are not available to him. In the places where I worked, I ran myself ragged trying to get more done than time allowed, or I stayed late without getting paid always for it. I hated seeing people neglected. That might sound like high moral integrity, but that's not what I'm all about. People should work to put themselves in circumstances where they can afford the quality of life they want for themselves and those they love. I went through life with no plan or strategy for how I wanted to end up. I fell for this very irresponsible man, and I ended up not being all that responsible myself. Neither of us paid any attention to money matters and just got by hand to mouth.

I should emotionally detach more from him. He doesn't express any concern whatsoever about what happens to me when he is gone. I won't have anyone providing the safety net for me that I provide for him. Maybe too much compassion is not a virtue at all, but just foolishness.

I could organize things so that I would get out to some activity. I have no excuse for not doing that . . . other than I am depressed . . . and we have been bouncing from one medical crisis to the next, so my head is kept spinning over constant disruptions in any routine.

Physically, I've become so deconditioned from just hanging around this apartment that I truly have an awful time now mustering up some energy. It's like I'm getting sucked down in quick sand.

I wish that when I went to the psych center, they were more interested in helping me. They just see me as low priority with no big problem. There is no one the least invested in me at all. I don't get calls from his family, or much from mine. Probably, the psych center can't do anything for me anyway. I don't know what I expect.

Eventually, something will change. I wonder if I will be able to some day have some happiness. I used to be good at coming up with changes to make when my life felt bad. Now I seem to be in a real trap . . . and it was all of my own making. I guess in life you need a certain streak of ruthlessness, if you are not going to get sucked down into a bad situation. I think of members of his family and mine who have that. They live way better than I do. They also work harder than I ever did.

Sending a big hug to you today, Rose -

(((((( Rose ))))))

I hope you find some joy in your day today!


WC

You should go out today to feel a bit refreshed. Getting my laundry done makes me feel better too. Can you buy instant espresso there? They just started having it here maybe for a year or so. I hope you have a better day today.

Sending big hugs.

I'm barely coping for almost 3 days. This is awful. I don't even feel sad, but I believe this is depression. I don't hardly get out of bed. I have no interest in anything, but reading on line. I tend to my bf and just go back to bed. I have a hard time even brushing my teeth.

I can't keep free-falling down like this. So I made what for me was a huge decision. I started arrangements to get my bf admitted to a facility for a week or two. I don't even know if I'll be able to resume caring for him after that.

I'm surprised that I could just change like this practically over night. I literally fear that I'm going to wake up tomorrow, or the next day, and not be willing to get out of bed.

I hope my plan to change how I'm living will save me. I hope I didn't let it go too long. I am so depressed I wonder if I'll get better.

I'm hoping this decision changes your life for the better. I understand that you are not so much afraid to live alone, but that your depression might get worse when he is in a facility, nursing home. But I can't say what's the right decision for you, but I can say that I think it's best for you to at least start with him being there for 2 weeks. In that time alone, treat yourself like you would treat your best friend. Be good to yourself.

That's the plan I'm going with, Dispair-. Today I tried to get him into a good rehab facility, but they didn't think insurance would pay for it. But the VA will pay for him to go up to 30 days to a nursing home that they have a contract with. Their contracts are not with the posher places. They contract with the no frills nursing homes, but one of those places will have to do.

He just sits in his recliner 23 hours a day. He needs to get out of this apartment to an environment that will demand more of him. He's willing to go. I'm committed now to this course of action.

I'm hopeful for you to get out from this terrible cycle. I hope you get some good sleep tonight.