This sucks

I find it difficult to talk about the psychosis. It is hard to describe and not at all like I thought it could be like. In some ways it is like a seizure aura, randomly showing up and causing distress. I think it might be more than the seeing and hearing things that aren't there. That typically doesn't bother me, although they do sometimes scares me. Like auras, what follows is worse. A flood of depression and anxiety. The time it takes for me to go from fairly relaxed and content to raging self-hatred is shockingly fast. It is so hard to explain but sometimes all it takes is catching a glimpse of a dark shadow walking towards me and I am a drooling mess.

That is the scary thing, I do take things for sleep. I started Ashwagandha this week and it seems to help a little for anxiety but I was taking other things. I bumped up to 6 mg of melatonin plus I dug out 1mg of Klonopin and when that doesn't work I throw on Unisom for good measure, but I am up a few hours later freaking out. I am a little afraid of taking Unisom at the same time as the other stuff but maybe I should try it.

I hope you are right that the anxiety will calm down although that opens me up to seizures. It is weird, the worst of my seizure disorder hits as anxiety is diminishing. I can't win.

I am grateful for her and she is a wonderful person. I just wish I could tell her.

I am very sorry for what you are going through. I know good days are coming your way because you deserve it.

I completely understand this. I hate it. I can be laughing and relax, and I see and/or hear something, next thing I know I'm a wreck.

Having seizures get worse is a sucky trade from anxiety. Be careful with you meds, friend. I wish there was something you could do for your seizures. It doesn't help psychosis but have you tried pot for your seizures? That's what my friend does and it works for him. Granted, like I said, it doesn't really help with the psychosis.

And thanks, qwerty. I'm trying to hang in there. Who knows, maybe tomorrow it'll be a good day.

I hope it is a good day for you.

Since I live in a state where I can walk into a store and buy pot I have been tempted. I talked to a pdoc at the VA about it. Of course, he can't give his approval being a federal employee but he did say to be cautious since it could make things worse as easy as it being helpful.

I need to do more research into it, especially CBD. An outside consideration is that if I ever do test positive at the VA it will make it very difficult to get pain meds when I need them, which is not often but when I do, I really need them. They only test for THC from what I have seen of my lab reports so CDB might be a good option?

It's worth a try.

I think I will try that. I was able to keep my grandson all week due to him having spring break. It has been a nice visit and he has been very happy. I will visit the friendly neighborhood pot store when he goes back so I don't have to worry about being around anyone if I have a bad reaction.

I hope you are doing well. I am not so great but today wasn't too bad, relatively speaking. It is the first day in a few weeks were I haven't woke up with a terrible anxiety attack. Just minor amounts of anxiety and was pretty calm. It might be that, out of the blue, my realtor friended me and I was insanely excited about that. That is lame but that is probably the biggest step(I know it is meaningless) I have had with a person in literally decades. That is a bigger deal to me than getting a house. It has been a week since the house closed and she called to make sure everything is okay and that I am still upright.

The house is stressing me out. My todo list is so huge it is overwhelming. She told me to take things one at a time and call her if I need help. She even referred me to a good friend of hers who is a professional interior designer, which amazed me that she would trust me that much. I am really "special" when it comes to matching colors so is a deity-send. The designer is helping me with the entire house including suggestions for future projects like floors and refinishing cabinets and all for $100 which seems like a really good deal. It is so nice to know someone I can trust. I haven't had that since the 90's.

I am so busy, I am falling behind on my reading here so I really hope you are doing well. I will try to catch up on your adventures as soon as I can.

I'm really glad you got to have that time with your grandson. Hopefully that helped some.

Just take the house step by step. And yeah, that is a really good deal. I'm happy you found a friend in your realtor.

I'm glad that the day wasn't so bad. I really hope everything stays in that trajectory.

I'm functional-ish, currently. Is what it is.

I am rooting for you and do think about you every day.

Thanks a lot for this, my friend. I'm in your corner, as well.

Well, I am completely out of my old place and somewhat moved in. Things just get worse. I had to do 90% of the move out, cleaning, move in by myself and am exhausted but I have so much work to do.

The interior is now painted several beautiful greys and blues and my room is a nice looking 2 wall ombre accent wall with three colors blending into a nice gradient. The interior designer did an amazing job picking out colors that I like and match me well but are not too dark or heavy. Of course, the painting job became way too much for me to handle. I kept getting dizzy and falling off my ladder and my living room ceiling is 18 feet up, so I hired a professional painter to do it on his off hours. I did the ombre part. The whole project cost about $1800. I still need to get the trim and doors done but I feel that is something I can do slowly over time.

I got rid of the ugly florescent light in my kitchen and put in 4 super nice LED lights and a pendant over the sink. My grand daughters aunt in laws father is a licensed electrician and did it for $250. I couldn't hire a random one to do that for 3x that so it is relatively cheap and the lights were maybe $100. On the plus side I am now friendly with him and his wife. I guess that is a plus.

I needed a lawn mower, weed wacker, dandelion killer, fertilizer, spreader, etc. More money and a never ending job. It isn't bad though, 40 minutes or so and gets me fresh air. I got a reel mower so no nasty exhaust since it has no engine.

Drapes, a new computer desk, tools, etc added a lot more money. I swear I have spent more money on this not including mortgage and utilities than I spend in a typical year(not including my rent). I am still okay financially but seeing my reduced account balance causes untold anxiety.

And I still need a couch, TV and I want to replace the 10 year old carpets and put in a tankless heater and a bunch of minor repairs that I can do but will add up fast. Plus, there is a small section of roof that is prone to moss so I have to get on the roof and take care of it. That will be an adventure. How many times will I fall off the roof and how long will my hospital stay be? I should start a neighborhood pool and make a little cash.

Oh yeah, I had to replace the exterior locks for 4 doors at $70 a pop. At least they are far more secure than what was on it.

I already killed a bunch of plants. Not a shock since I struggle keeping cactus alive. I lost my jalapenos, habeneros and Thai peppers but at least my scotch bonnets are still growing.

The move out about killed me. My stress levels have been off the charts for over a month and still haven't calmed down. I lived in the old place for almost 11 years. Raised two kids there through there teen years and have had grandkids stomping through. Happily, they said the flooring condition will be ignored since I had been there so long it has to be replaced regardless. I really stressed it badly and I have been out a week and still don't know the exact amount I might have to pay. It is up to the manager but the maintenance guy was happy with the condition and the damage he wrote down was less than my deposit but I haven't heard from them and it is killing me.

Worse, I fell way behind in my move and ended up hiring a cleaning lady who did less than half what she said in twice the time and left me with a lot to scrub down and less than 24 hours to do it. Talk about stress. The townhouse is 1500 square feet and I had to clean all the walls, the 2 bathrooms, the storage room and most of the kitchen. I got hardly any sleep and what sleep I got was on a hard floor and it did not help my anxiety or seizures. I was shaking like a leaf when I was checking out and could barely talk. I have been exhausted since then but still have so much...

I think this was a mistake. I like the neighborhood but I should have gotten a new build I was dragging my feet on. I was iffy because they didn't install a fence or landscape the backyard but I could pick paint colors, type of flooring and came with tankless water heater and recessed lighting and everything else I wanted and would all be installed as part of construction. So instead of a brand new house with basically 2 things on my todo list, I have a 10 year old house with 10,000 things.

I am very happy that there is no HOA or CC&R's to worry about. So I won't have to face an angry mob or face fines and possible liens if I fall behind in yard work. I got lucky there, it was the only place I found that wasn't full of old houses and stupid rules and committees.

I really miss my realtor, she has called a few times. I think she is concerned I am not going to survive this. I just can't summon the courage to ask her out to lunch or whatever.

What stinks is that I am home all day and neighborhood moms try and say hi and talk to me. I don't want them to know I am a pathetic unsocial weirdo, although they can probably tell, so I fake my way through it. I am already weird since I am by far the oldest person that I have seen in the immediate area. It is all very young families. My grand daughter loves it though.

Sometimes, I wonder if I am just cursing my good fortune since the VA put me in a really nice position financially because I suck. I realize that so many people like me weren't lucky enough to have their crap happen while in the military which is probably the best thing that has ever happened to me outside my kids and grandkids.

I feel bad whining about it but my MH issues are through the roof and my neuro issues as well. Epic headaches also. I cancelled routine appointments at the VA hospital and pushed them back a few months because I am afraid I will get tossed into the psych ward.

Either my house is haunted by many angry ghosts or my psychosis is raging which is why this is a long rambling, incoherent mess of a post. If you made it this far, I am very sorry for it.

No reason to be sorry. You're stressed (understandably so). Moving/buying a house is one of the top most stressful ordeals you can go through.

Hopefully you can be able to call your realtor. It might be good for you. Like her, I'm also worried about you. Is there anyway you can take things a little slower now that the move is finished?

Where I'm staying is pretty crazy right now, too. Could be that this entire city is haunted or I'm off my rocker. Who knows?

Wow, you’ve been busy! It would be understandable that you are stressed. Moving is a big transition. I recently had to clean out a storage unit and that alone stressed me in a big way. I agree with the previous poster about a slower pace. Congrats again on being a home owner!

Thanks

I am taking things really slow now, maybe too slow but I need a break. At least I can only blame myself for this. Going full Grizzly Adams sounds better by the day though. A tent and a very short walk into the woods might have been better.

You are not off your rocker, you are amazing as usual.

Sorry to keep bumping this thing.

What does it mean that half of the time it feels like none of this is real and I am either living in my old place or oddly nowhere at all? The other half it does feel real and it elicits terror and dread and the feeling that I have made a huge mistake?

Am I slipping away from reality or is it about to smack me upside my ugly head?

Sounds like depersonalization/derealization alternating with intense anxiety to me. I'm not a doctor and I'm just speaking from experience. Can you contact your doc about it?

I don't currently have a pdoc.

Since I fired my last one and got off meds they said there is no reason to assign me another. I did have 6 sessions last summer with CBT-I for sleep and she said she could find me a regular therapist because "you need so much help I don't know where to start" but I never followed up.

So long story short, not really unless I want to spend all day waiting for a random pdoc to have someone not show up for an appointment. Is whatever this is that bad?

Only you can really decide if it's bad enough to find a pdoc. I have a similar problem with my dissociative disorders and anxiety increasing drastically after an abrupt change takes place. Everywhere I move into, I usually have to do it pretty slowly. If I don't it takes me some time to adjust, but I always do. The anxiety and depersonalization/derealization never goes away but becomes easier to manage as I adjust. So, maybe it'll just take some time for you but if you don't get better and/or feel you need to seek help, then do so.

I will try to remember that.

That you jumped on that startled me a little. I always thought being able to dissociate myself from outside things is a good thing.

Sometimes it is a good thing, undoubtedly. It got me through my childhood, that's for sure.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you or anything. Keep in mind that I could be wrong about what's going on. Do you have a primary care doctor that you could see? Sometimes it's easier to talk to them, at least for me anyway.

I do. I really need to see her this summer. After all my health worries and appointments last summer I got sick of going in and skipped my annual physical.

That is a good idea. I guess now that I am out of my apartment and in my new house and all the payment stuff is set up to autopay I can safely get committed.

I completely understand taking a break from doctors. After my cancer and all the treatments that followed, I disappeared from my medical team for almost a year even though I should've been having more tests done. In truth, after being in a hospital or medical environment so much for so long, it can drive a person mad just by itself. I still avoid as many doctor's appointments as I can, so I'm not much looking forward to this upcoming Wednesday when I get a bunch of scans and tests done for the year. Not to be morbid, but I kinda want a buckshot breakfast just thinking about it.

Sorry, bad joke.

I'm glad you've gotten to a place of security with your payments and shelter. In truth, I was worried about you through all of it. I still worry but anxiety is a pain that way. I'm proud of you for accomplishing everything you have. Hell, it stressed me out just thinking about it haha.

That is the weird thing about me. No matter how badly I am doing, I trudge forward. It is like inside I am standing still but I am moving and doing things in my life yet I often feel disconnected from those actions. Like I am on autopilot. If that makes sense. Like a punch-drunk boxer that refuses to fall but doesn't know why. There has always been this stubborn streak in me like that. It used to be helpful now it seems a hindrance.

The stress of the home buying process is lessening but now it is the todo list that has taken over and I am doing just as bad. Just like when the health scares were mostly resolved, I jumped straight into the house buying torture. It is like I have to be doing something to create internal chaos when what I want is to live out how many years I have left with no drama and peace.

One of my sisters claims that having my own place will help me get there. She says I can get to the point where all I do is tend my house/yard, work on programming projects, fish, play my guitar and do some art-ish things and everything else will be setup and I don't even have to think about it. We will see.

I hope all goes well with your appointment. It is a horrible thing to go through. My tests eventually came back okay, more or less, but that didn't seem to lessen the impact for me. I can't imagine how worse it would have been if I did have that brain tumor. It is funny. I worry about you, even when I was stressed out of my mind during all this I would stop once a day to try and keep up with your posts. You worry about me, that amazes me. I just can relate to you so well. The reason both of us found this site are not good things but I am happy we connected.

I'm glad we met here. This place wouldn't be the same without you.

And hey, some call it stubborn, I call it determined. My mom and dad are a lot like that. It's what I respect the most about them.

Having cancer sucks, don't get me wrong, but there's something about it. I don't know, I just sort of eased up a lot after I got the news. Like, "Okay. All I can do is what I can do, and whatever happens will happen." I think when it comes down to it, you don't know if something like depression will ever go away. However, with cancer you know for a fact that the pain will end. Whether it goes into remission or you bite it, the pain will go away. There's an end to it, you know?

Sorry, I rambled a bit there.

I call it pig-headed stubborn.

It seems to just cause more pain and stress. Oh well.

I think it is something along the lines that it is easier to deal with a known than an unknown, even if that known is a terrible thing. At least that is from my perspective where I have a list of bad things with no known causes. Maybe it is a 'grass is greener' situation.

I hope you have a good day.