[OblivionIsAtHand]

This will be a tremendously long post. This is the only way I can convey my problems to someone. I still have this flicker of optimism that maybe there's a voracious reader out there that can help me, however lengthy the post. I feel like I've written so many of these types of posts in the past, on forums. But here I am, again, having yet another existential crisis. I have nothing to lose so I'm just going to put it ALL out there. That's the only way I can tackle my mounds of problem; this may be pages and pages --you can even think of it is a book if you want, but it's no ordinary book in that I'm pleading for help and need to sort out these problems in my life that are torturing me to no end. I'm not going to compromise on my writing and truncate anything, because all of its necessary to know the greater picture. Sadly, people need things broken down concisely. But I'm not going to do it. All of this information needs to get out so that I can arrive closer to solutions. I will hold back nothing.

I can already envision the silence or lack of replies to my post. I expect it, secretly hoping that I'm wrong, but then it actually occurs and I'm all the sadder. Sometimes people surprise me though. No, what am I saying? People surprise me a great deal actually. But I've had many posts that were just treated with silence...just ######6 silence, on forums that have members that supposedly deal in compassionate support. The lack of care even on these so-called sanctuaries just makes me even more bitter and cynical. It should not shock anyone that the mentally ill so rarely receive the support they actually need when in a pinch. This needs to ******* change. We need to start cracking the whip and train people in this field to be even more sensitive, because I've felt truly marginalized some of the time even among Psychology boards. I've encountered people who have been hostile on these boards I mention. So sometimes it's like...where the hell do you go for support? Even my therapist leaves me high and dry with her lack of compassion in instances. She stated to me she can't even really be a compassionate facilitator.

This is not a blog bost. None of this would be reserved for a blog, because I'm wanting to interface with a poster. I fear that someone will not read it because of the length, and I'm often right about this. But ###$ 'em. I have nothing to lose here. I've seen people read far, far more long-winded stuff, and I certainly have. So bear with me here...PLEASE. I try to include every bit of relevant information so that I do not misrepresent myself. I can preemptively describe as much as I possibly can but someone will STILL overlook stuff I've made clear. People will only selectively skim parts of your post, and I despise having to restate things so much. Or, for example, I can do everything within my power to avoid a criticism with as much preemptive self-awareness as possible and still get called out on it. People only read $#%^ that a charismatic presence feeds them.

Let me make it clear that I love myself A LOT. But I am experiencing so much suffering that I sincerely do want to end my life. I know with great certainty that there's no after-life, and I want to end this suffering and expire to nothingness. But I'm not going to. I'm going to push through this, but I am so, so desperately sad. My life problems may even pale in comparison to others' issues, but my depression has become so bad--or maybe it is not even imbalanced neurochemistry affecting me, and the reality truly is as bad it seems right now (I sincerely hope that I'm viewing things irrationally, but I just can't see that being the case because it's far, far too frequent)--that I am becoming crippled by it. I used to have so, so much joy..immense joy, and now I am at the lowest point ever at my age of 30. I thought that about each previous year, but this year takes the cake.

Typing all of this. Airing out my problems. This is what's cathartic--but I'm looking for solutions too. I'm looking for someone to talk to on a deep and meaningful level other than my therapist (who I may leave soon) that can help me feel at ease with the world. That can pull me out of this hell. It's ######6 crazy. I'm 30 years old and I'm having the kind of angst-filled crisis a teen might experience. As much immense pleasure as I've experienced, pain has been so recurring in my life. Perhaps my pain doesn't trump the truly aggrieved, but I guess I might just have less tolerance for pain. I don't want to go through life suffering. Everywhere I'm surrounded by assholes, and I cannot find good in anyone. I'm confined to my thoughts, which are mostly melancholic in nature, lately. There's nowhere to turn to, because I KNOW the people around me don't give a $#%^. I'm in hell.

I always felt like I was building up to, undergoing a transformation that would allow me to transcend my neuroses. Not that I felt I would be cured of my depression or anything, but I had the notion that much of this pain was a cocoon that I would emerge from stronger and with more insight than before. Course, life doesn't quite work that way. What doesn't kill you doesn't make you stronger necessarily. But I know that trauma, if it's not incredibly abundant, could actually transform you. I was hoping that the sheer terror, dread, sadness that I felt was going to make me come out better in the long run. Fortunately I have not encountered mental illness so severe that it's caused me to do extreme actions. My depression/anxiety/etc. was all manageable. But now it's out of control and I don't know where to turn to. My therapist is disappointing me (this is probably my 7th or 8th therapist), so I still have this perhaps absurd and fanciful notion that there's still a person out there somewhere that can help me. Someone with that right blend of my idealized compassion..and intelligence. Psychology forums might be one of the last vestiges of hope I have, because I know there are people out there who've experienced pain just as much or worse with their mental illness. But sadly some of these forums, with their mixed, inexperienced opinions can also provide cognitive dissonance too.

I barely connect with people. I don't experience love or kindness. Or if I do on occasion experience what I feel to be true kindness with no ulterior motive attached to it, it's so fleeting, and such a rarity that it hardly matters. People often talk about how they were bullied. I was never what you would call bullied, but I find, because of my worldview, that people are irredeemably evil. I'm able to see nuance. Yes, I see that there's not ALL bad in people and that good arises out of people from societal rules and whatnot. But the majority of what I see is greedy, greedy, selfish people. And I feel like I'm enduring a kind of abuse each day with people. As amoral as I've had to become, I'm apparently still not sufficiently amoral enough sometimes.

It's been deemed that I have Paranoid Personality Disorder: I still question the diagnosis. So it's plausible that I'm selectively seeing the worst in people, but I still don't think so. My bitterness always seems adequate, if not underestimated. I really, really deplore people. But there is this part of me that is deeply humanistic, but because people so often leave me angry at them, this deeply humane streak lessens in me.

The criticisms that I've either had lodged at me or criticisms that I've merely acquired by bearing witness to them in thousands and thousands of venom-laced comment sections on websites, have left me traumatized in a sense. I endlessly loop through loud criticisms in my mind that leave me with a feeling of anhedonia because I can never fully live up to my perceived idea of perfection based on all the critiquing. I am so perfectionist to the point where I barely finish creative works etc. I mean I really have encountered the worst of the worst. For a while I was able to cope with the massive amount of hateful views and deal with it incredibly well. But my hypersensitivity has come full circle. Because I want to find so much good in the world after having been suffocated under such smothering negativity, I get put off and scared by all the vast hate and judgment I see everywhere. And of course this just makes me more and more ######6 bitter. Still though, I feel the allure of the humane. There's still a very faintly flickering flame of good left in me. But the problem is I want to see others share in it. I'm crestfallen when I thought what was an otherwise morally pure person resorts to judgment and the like. I mean I've come to accept it, grudgingly. But I feel like I have to out-selfish the selfish. I get scared knowing that even the people I looked up to as altruists display negativity.

God I really ######6 hate restating so many things I've said so often. Man, I really hope there's a good listener out there. The #######5 part is that as much work as I put into this post, there probably will be very little reciprocation. Someone, despite my very emphatic wishes, will inevitably post something glib and minimalistic.

All of this has to be stream-of-consciousness. Because I need to exorcise all my demons on here and I cannot be sure which information feels relevant. All of this feels relevant. I'm told I have OCD, and this may be reflective of that. I've taken some medication for OCD and was insufficiently treated.

I have depression and anxiety. I've been through so many different medications for my depression, with not terribly good results. Some would do a little bit for me here and there. But the meds have never gotten me to the point where I need to be. The meds I am taking right now certainly don't help.

All of these self-help sites and books and all of that $#%^ really don't help address the complexity of my issues. I can't relate with too much anymore, and therefore I'm just left alienated without proper solutions to remedying my depression/OCD/whatever.

It's the depression that's the worst in all of this. The anxiety I think is manageable--or at least the fearful part of anxiety. The stressful kind of anxiety that overwhelms my thoughts is more severe however. It may be the interplay of anxiety + OCD.

I can hear the criticisms loudly in my head. I can feel people picking apart this post in so many ways. They overwhelm me. I want to lash out in hatred and defiance. I get tired of every opinion that I read anymore that contains some negativity.

My thoughts are starting to get disorganized. I feel the need to discuss so many different things, so I don't leave them all out. I'm worrying about things like grammar in the process. And if I'm being original enough. Stuff like that. And my thoughts are pulling me into a thousand different directions. I get overwhelmed by the chaos of my own mind, and because I'm an atheist I see so much chaos in the world naturally.

There's nowhere to safely air out my opinions so I retreat into this shell and drown in my own thoughts without ever telling anyone. I will open up to my mother when I truly can take it no longer, but her emotional support is limited.

I'm living in hell. I'm desperate. This is really me crying out here. Sad, confused--surreal. And my problems are perhaps not nearly as bad as others, but I've endured so much pessimism that it puts me on their level. I don't know what I'd do if my responsibilities were even greater: I don't have as many responsibilities since my mother helps a bit. I truly want to help more, but I'm just crushed with depression. And I can't even remotely bear 'boot-strapping' type so-called pragmatic advice. Sorry I am starting to lose my train of thought here. I'm so overwhelmed here. And I feel so much shame. And it's making me hateful. I feel the need to keep posting longer and longer, I'm getting angry thinking about other people getting angry over the length of the post. I've seen people post equally long things ---eh, I don't want this to be the focal point of all of this. There's so much I need to tackle.

I don't know what to do. I need a guide. But I so rarely trust information. I am skeptical of everything. This complicates things further. Or, you know, the information isn't adequate enough. Nothing speaks to me anymore. Every blue moon I'll stumble upon some piece of writing that so eloquently sums up all my thoughts and fears and addresses them in a nurturing way. But it's so rare and it's only a temporary reprieve.

What to do...where to start....I have more thoughts and problems that need expression that I can barely contain them all.

I came back to this writing. This is my 2nd day of writing it, and I've had an almost epiphanic sense of apathy. I know longer care enough about people at all. I don't care if I'm mean to people. I don't give a $#%^ what I do. Because I can kill myself at any point. It gives me the courage I need to be as brutal as I need to be in my honesty. So this is me as a phoenix right now rising from the ashes. I don't care what I have to do to ensure my survival, be it bullying or criminal acts. Life's been brutal and I deserve to pay it back if I have to. But during this epiphany-like thinking process fueled by a painkiller I started feeling like yes, I really can rebound from my troubles and come out much better than before. Of course, there's still skepticism, but I'm suddenly starting to be confident that I come out of this. Part of it can be accredited to my relentless narcissism I think; I would never admit this before, but I am so tired of being humble when I see so many other pricks not be humble....humility and self-deprecation is disappearing, and that sucks. I love myself so much that I deserve only the best for myself. The problem is, almost everyone else I encounter is equally as narcissistic (or at least a great many) and that poses a threat to me.

Yet I still remain hopeful that maybe there is help out there somewhere. Either way, that's a challenge to find. And while it's so challenging and I'm waiting, I'm not worrying about people in the process. I don't care who I offend or piss off, but I'm approaching it all with the subtlety of a sociopath. It occurred to me I need to probably rid myself of this @@@@@@@ of a therapist and find a therapist that practices humanistic therapy.

There's more I need to say. Oh so much more. But as I say I'm ruminating on the depressive too much. I'm distracted by the deep sadness of having to be a a dog in this dog-eat-dog world. Part of me still wants to convince myself there is still someone humane out there. But it's not necessary now. I believe I am sufficiently detached enough from people that I can out-selfish the selfish if I must.

But oh yes, my requests remain the same. I still need help. I'm just going to put this out there and hope for the best.

Here's the biggest hindrance though. I'll break it down as best I can: 1) I require answers and information. 2) I am fearful of asking questions (at least outside of a therapist's office) now due to the extent I've been mocked for questions. So, (3) I can't receive the information that I need because of the fear of asking questions and the limitations that internet search engines provide. (4) I am so skeptical of information due to the extent of biases, falsehoods, and other information that poses as truth. And it's hard to determine a way of validating this information; all this further complicates things---in addition to the bitterness that I receive from asking these questions. Needless to say, yes, sometimes intuition can guide me. (5) My problems are so abstruse and complicated that I have an abundance of questions. (6) My lack of ability to articulate things makes it harder to ask these questions. (7) It's hard to determine where I should be asking these questions, as there's a dearth of professionals in matters related to Psychology on forums like this. (8) As stated, the stuff I talk about is multi-tiered with many different angles, and thus I have to type about a lot. Can't just be concise--only occasionally can I be this way. So, indeed, others will malign you for a lack of knowledge, but they are practically never nice in sharing this knowledge. So it's a damned if you do, damned if you don't scenario.

I still can't believe I've reached the depths of the despair that I am currently in. Just imagine being in a world full of strangers where everyone is a potential enemy. Even so-called friends. Thus, I have to be completely self-contained and autonomous. As much as I've confided in people (and I've confided more regularly than a lot of sufferers of mental illness that I know), it still brings no relief. Because they still neither care enough to ask or lack the answers to console or are still repelled by the stigma. As helpful as my mom CAN be in things, it's amazing how inadequate she is at consoling. I've asked her countless times to help me in this regard. I detest copping to the cliche of complaining about one's parents, and I don't want to even provide potential fodder for someone on here who gets off hearing other's misfortunes. Anyway, I'm over all of this.

Earlier today before the transcendence my thoughts were eating each other. I was completely paralyzed with depression. It was on a constant loop in my head. And I could conceive of no positive outcome. NONE. Because of the vultures everywhere, and because of the inability to share it with anyone. I've never felt mental pain so furiously and powerful before. It was during this moment I could see myself comitting a murder. Due to the depression-fueled rage that started infesting me. When I say I could think of no positive outcome, I mean I couldn't even imagine my therapist giving me a modicum of support. I felt like passing out the drowning was so bad. Having to be on an island of my own, HAVING to shield my weakness meant that I've had to be almost entirely reliant on my internal dialogue. And being ever-aware of the newfound realizations that even the gentle types I had so idealized in my mind as being compassionate would be just as apathetic---it added to this depression. As I say, I'm having to be completely reliant on myself. And my self is infested with conflict. So to reiterate, life. Is. A. Nightmare. But a nightmare that's made me be almost gleefully sociopathic in.

Thanks for listening.

Take it or leave it. Youtube Eckhart Tolle, then add "ego^, or "depression " or "painbody", there's many of his videos that i persoally found helpful. He's not for or against any religion that I know of. He had depression since a young boy. He wrote "The power of now" and other books since. Best wishes.

[Fuzzybear]

[Candy1955]

Ok, I read every word of your post, but now I fear I'll have to take your Part 2 Test to prove it. There are two kinds of people in this world: those who live from the inside out, and those who live from the outside in. Perhaps contemplate that, and pretend to care enough to figure out which you are, or which you'd prefer to be. You talk about being humble in almost the same breath as you talk about being homicidal. I don't see any compatibility in the two, not even paradoxical. Yes, find that therapist who has some solid input and support for you, but stay with them long enough to honestly evaluate their potential to help you. I don't know how long you have been in this multi-leveled frame of mind, but I hope you find some escape, even for just a few hours. You sound exhausted and my heart goes out to you. I do have spiritual faith and it brings me peace and hope. What harm would it do for you to explore that; you might enjoy Naturalism or a Native American spiritualism? If it brings you peace, what harm is there. Good luck to you. I will be thinking about you and the things you said.

[Kaysey]

I understand your pain as I’ve been in that place myself. I have no advice to give to help you...just know that you aren’t alone. I hope things get better for you.

[OblivionIsAtHand]

Originally Posted by Candy1955

Ok, I read every word of your post, but now I fear I'll have to take your Part 2 Test to prove it. There are two kinds of people in this world: those who live from the inside out, and those who live from the outside in. Perhaps contemplate that, and pretend to care enough to figure out which you are, or which you'd prefer to be. You talk about being humble in almost the same breath as you talk about being homicidal. I don't see any compatibility in the two, not even paradoxical. Yes, find that therapist who has some solid input and support for you, but stay with them long enough to honestly evaluate their potential to help you. I don't know how long you have been in this multi-leveled frame of mind, but I hope you find some escape, even for just a few hours. You sound exhausted and my heart goes out to you. I do have spiritual faith and it brings me peace and hope. What harm would it do for you to explore that; you might enjoy Naturalism or a Native American spiritualism? If it brings you peace, what harm is there. Good luck to you. I will be thinking about you and the things you said.

There's no part 2; and I'm not sure why one would fear verboseness. I try to make my posts a little longer each time someone comments on the length. That's my nature.

I'm glad at least someone read that--that's reassuring to know. But it's rare. And that's part of the problem. It's a greatly lonely feeling. To know that these problems are so multi-tiered and there's hardly anyone out there feeling the same. Sometimes I strike gold though; I'm still waiting for that. Sometimes there's that one incredibly intelligent person out there, with compassion to boot.

But the responses have consisted mostly of (among forums throughout the internet; not even necessarily here): I don't know what to tell you, but I hope you get better. This wasn't always the case with Psychology forums. I think others' empathy is in short supply. We're living in a bad, bad time. Until I've been helped I will not pay it forward unfortunately; right now I'm on the defensive. Right now I am close to no empathy, because the same has been shown to me. I never would have dreamt responses would be this unhelpful--there's suicidal people on here. And I'll be quite honest, if I were truly and urgently wanting to kill myself I would have blown my brains out based on the lack of helpful resources out there. Even all the self-help articles littered throughout the net lack any sort of relatability. And replies to a post are scarce and take a while. I will give one bit of advice to someone though: pose as a woman when you're posting. They receive advice much more readily based on my (first-hand) experience.

I'll have to wait on a therapist because of financial reasons, so this is all I have.

I appreciate the response a lot. Sometimes the lack of responses exacerbate
depression. This has not worsened my depression. Although it has spiked my anger level up a bit.

I am anti-any spirituality unfortunately. I believe in atheism vehemently. I'm beyond an atheist at this point. What's the next step up? Super-atheist? No, but really, spirituality is so, so far out of the equation.

You talk about being humble in almost the same breath as you talk about being homicidal.

If that's one of the few things gleaned from that, the post wasn't large enough. You missed the thrust of the post of if you're counting inconsistencies and contradictions. Plus, I said I was tired of being humble. I'm ready to join the narcissistic in-crowd. I have nothing to lose now.

I'm running out of time. I really am inching toward suicide, but I'd LOVE not to kill myself. Funny thing is, I don't know why I'd announce it when I know nobody would care. Just as a rule of thumb. Almost nobody I encounter really, truly cares about another's death if it's of remote interest to them, especially if it's via suicide.

All I have to cling to is the possibility that someone out there comes along and responds with depth. Surely there are those that exist out there. That's all I can wait for until I'm able to get another therapist.

I understand your pain as I’ve been in that place myself. I have no advice to give to help you...just know that you aren’t alone. I hope things get better for you.

I'm pretty ****ing alone. Thanks though.

[OblivionIsAtHand]

Take it or leave it. Youtube Eckhart Tolle, then add "ego^, or "depression " or "painbody", there's many of his videos that i persoally found helpful. He's not for or against any religion that I know of.

I've been looking him up, thanks.

[Candy1955]

What a quasi comfortable place to be in, to reach out to others while convinced they will not be able to offer anything of value. Do you read your own posts? I know where I have been in life, where I am, what my miseries and demons are. I trust ME more than any one else because of that. The remark I made about the 'test' is because that is what your entire post is, a test. Consider the concept that no one owes you anything. Compassion and advise come from a person's need to help in some way, some more than others. You asked for it, then you toss it back. There is no magic. Just hard work and determination. I'm sorry you are suffering, whether you accept that simple expression or not.

[OblivionIsAtHand]

What a quasi comfortable place to be in, to reach out to others while convinced they will not be able to offer anything of value.

I'm in an incredibly uncomfortable position right now. Are you mad about this? But you are correct. Because of replies lately on a multitude of forums, I'm somewhat operating under the assumption that they will not be offering much value - but I'm hopeful all the same. Nor have I eschewed anyone's advice. It usually involves a good back-and-forth; you're operating under the assumption that I'm biting the hand that feeds me.

The remark I made about the 'test' is because that is what your entire post is, a test.

No. No it isn't.

Consider the concept that no one owes you anything.

Believe me, I do. I never assume anyone wants to help, period.

then you toss it back.

I never tossed it back. I accepted it, said my thanks for it. Honestly though there hasn't been much advice given to thank yet. If you're talking about spirituality, of course I'm going to decline that advice given that I'm an atheist.

You seem to be of the mind that one, if given advice, should automatically accept it. That we should be without autonomy and self-agency and merely listen.

And to be fair, you said this of your advice:

There are people here with really good advice. i am not one of them, but hang on, they will get here.

I listen to all advice and appreciate it. But nobody should mistake my questioning or refuting certain points as biting the hand that feeds them.

Let's just use an example: Would you spurn a mentally ill person merely because they had a challenging attitude? That's the nature of the illness. Nobody truly cares my friend.

Do you read your own posts?

Over and over.

I'm sorry you are suffering, whether you accept that simple expression or not.

Thanks. Now quit trying to add to my suffering. I'm becoming more and more suicidal. Suicide is so palpable I can feel it. Not a threat, merely a fact. I never thought I'd get to this point, but I love myself too much to stay alive and suffer this much. I'm still hopeful there's a part of me that can get out of this though. I may, for the first time ever in 30 years, start to become a drug addict (outside of the prescriptive drugs); the only thing that takes me away from this immense darkness (which shouldn't even be here because of the lack of gravity concerning my problems). Because I realize these people [drug addicts] don't feel hopeless and ignore advice--I now realize a large part of it is that they probably never even receive advice to begin with.

I'm like an old-timer. Whatever happened to the old days when people would give these amazingly detailed responses that were long and complex in nature? Man that was a great time.

[Candy1955]

You, in my opinion, are not being intellectually honest with yourself or in your posts. I would really prefer that you not kill yourself. I think (although I might regret this...) I'd like to get to know you a lot better. Probably selfish but hey selfish isn't always bad or wrong.
No, I don't expect you to take advise because it was offered. We are all looking for the same thing here pretty much. Respect. Consideration. Compassion. To listen.

[OblivionIsAtHand]

You, in my opinion, are not being intellectually honest with yourself or in your posts.

In what respect? And which posts? And why does this even matter to the problem at hand? My posts are as brutally honest as it gets, often to the point of discomfort.

I think (although I might regret this...) I'd like to get to know you a lot better.

Read my past posts if you're interested in that. Sorry, but I have no desire to get to know you better. The feeling is not mutual. I thank you though, for your attempt at help, albeit weirdly hostile. I'm not looking to be grilled for inaccuracies (I poured in massive effort in my long post to dodge that, but evidently not enough) unless they are vitally important in saving my life right now.

I would really prefer that you not kill yourself.

You really are quite the patronizing chap aren't you? I'm tired of this ****. Go bother and/or condescend to someone else.

[jacky8807]

You have eluded before and now again, that people are not intelligent if they can not or will not read through your huge sprawling block of self pity. I scanned your text and besides blaming others you obsess over yourself. You are lucky to have such wits about you while going through such a rough time. My depression equals staring at a wall drooling alone and hoping to disappear.
But anywho, perhaps you should donate your time at a charity. Less time to obsess over your every move and less time to write blocks of text obsessing over how others must be too stupid to also not want to obsess over your every move.
cheers

[OblivionIsAtHand]

Originally Posted by jacky8807

You have eluded before and now again, that people are not intelligent if they can not or will not read through your huge sprawling block of self pity. I scanned your text and besides blaming others you obsess over yourself. You are lucky to have such wits about you while going through such a rough time. My depression equals staring at a wall drooling alone and hoping to disappear.
But anywho, perhaps you should donate your time at a charity. Less time to obsess over your every move and less time to write blocks of text obsessing over how others must be too stupid to also not want to obsess over your every move.
cheers

Alluded. Not eluded.

cheers

[Shazerac]

The title of your post pretty much sums you up. You sound incredibly sad and incredibly bitter.

It’s interesting that you have a feeling of “damned if you do and damned if you don’t” it’s pretty much the same boat anyone reading your post is in.

“This is going to be a long post and you probably won’t read it” “I have some very complicated questions that I can’t ask” “everyone is bad, people are,selfish, etc”

I hear a lot of rage. I hear someone who is furious, confused and floundering. You seem to want help but you kick anyone who answers in the teeth.

What I’m not hearing is an actual question. Is your question “why so I feel Like this?” I’m not a doctor but I can tell you that your post sounds similar to internal monologues I have when I’m depressed or in the grip of a manic episode.

If you don’t like your therapist try to get a new one when you can. If you have tried Meds but they didn’t help then maybe you need different Meds.

[OblivionIsAtHand]

The title of your post pretty much sums you up. You sound incredibly sad and incredibly bitter.

Very correct. Beyond bitter. Far, far beyond bitter.

It’s interesting that you have a feeling of “damned if you do and damned if you don’t” it’s pretty much the same boat anyone reading your post is in.

Not at all.

I hear a lot of rage. I hear someone who is furious, confused and floundering.

Absolutely. I'm glad someone acknowledges it.

You seem to want help but you kick anyone who answers in the teeth.

Incorrect. Sorry, but you fundamentally misunderstood any of what was going on then. You made a snapshot judgment based on my exchange with Candy1955 and Jackywhateverthe****; you're going along with the group think occupying this very small slice of my life--there's actually very little kicking of the teeth going on. It's an honest mistake because I'm assuming you've not read prior posts. I've rarely (if ever, that I can recall) chided someone for offering help unless it's very clearly for the purpose to insult--I can only think of one other time I've been heated on here--such as our good friend Jacky-the-drooler over here. Check out my other posts. I think you, like a few others, think because of the tone of my post which doesn't portray me in the most flattering light (and I set the tone right away; I don't think because someone is misanthropic, one should get any less fair treatment on these boards---these last few posts have neither been diplomatic or reasonable), and my questioning certain assertions = arguing i.e. biting the hand that feeds you. However, of course I'm going to be aggressive about someone trying to invalidate my depression; that pisses me off greatly. Wouldn't you be mad if someone tried to invalidate your depression after hearing that it's not plausible numerous times. For the poster to call it "self-pity" (which I should remind you can probably get you in trouble in these forums)...or 'intellectually dishonest' when all you were doing was exorcising your feelings. Did you read the context of my proverbial "kicking in the teeth"?

I'm always open to help, but I will reply and give my take on it usually. That's why I'm here, and have been here for a while now; now it's not quite as much about help, I think, and more about berating the poster but there's a fair share of good eggs still.

This last batch of replies would make a truly suicidal (not just suicidal ideation like I've had) want to go ahead and kill themselves. And that's no good. That means something is deeply amiss here.

What I’m not hearing is an actual question. Is your question “why so I feel Like this?”

I've asked questions throughout it. I posed quite a few. And summed up the dilemma. I had to make an entirely separate thread to address them.

This thread is just about finding solutions to complicated problem. Other than free therapy it doesn't seem like there's a whole lot I can do to stave off the depression. These forums, if this is thread is any proof, are not as helpful as they were. I need a judgment-free zone, and that's just not going to happen. So one shouldn't act shocked that I have nowhere to sublimate my pain except via anger. That's not true compassion. I feel for whatever difficulties cynics are going through that lead them to that point. I feel compassion even for criminals (not for the crimes themselves of course), because they had few options. In addition to that, this thread was about exorcising my demons: it was cathartic in a way. There was the need to see if there's that one intelligent person out there who gets all of what I said, can heal the wounds, and offer a way out. So far I haven't seen it.

If you don’t like your therapist try to get a new one when you can. If you have tried Meds but they didn’t help then maybe you need different Meds.

Unfortunately not that simple. I currently lack the funds for a therapist now and I have no insurance. I'm waiting to see if I'm accepted for SSI. I've been through myriad meds - I've lost count - and currently lack money to see a psychiatrist. I have to stay on the current meds I have.

I’m not a doctor but I can tell you that your post sounds similar to internal monologues I have when I’m depressed or in the grip of a manic episode.

Then you should have understood where I was coming from. Which you did to some degree. But you can understand the anger a little more clearly now.

Thank you for your post Shazerac. It was a little bit more cordial and understanding than the most recent posts. Although I don't think you should shamelessly pander like you did. It's no good to pile on.

Naturally Candy1955 will upvote any sentiment that piles on further in critiques.

jacky8807, you did a very poor scan then. Very poor.

But anywho, perhaps you should donate your time at a charity. Less time to obsess over your every move and less time to write blocks of text obsessing over how others must be too stupid to also not want to obsess over your every move".

With being around others to such a large extent, first comes having my neuroses at least partially fixed--put in check, whatever; before I submerge myself in an activity involving others. I never once said people were "too stupid to also not want to obsess your every move" or anything like it you smarmy little weasel. What a fundamental misinterpretation of what I wrote. I said often people have trouble with the complex, and that's maddening. You demonstrate it, aptly.

The only lesson I've learned from all of this is: don't get down. Don't be depressed. Because it's not okay. People kick you when you're down. So don't get depressed.

[Shazerac]

Pander definition -> : to act as a pander; especially : to provide gratification for others' desires films that pander to the basest emotions.

Well I’ve never been accused of pandering before. That’s a new one. The thing is you are doing to me exactly what you are accusing others of doing to you. Piling it on...not reading your posts, etc. You assume that I haven’t read your other posts and base your judgement on that. I have read your posts. They are long.,.yes.

One thing I find interesting is that when you get a reply that you don’t like, you say “maybe my post wasn’t long enough ...” could you possibly be confusing quantity with quality? Making a long stream of consciousness post may help get things off your chest and that’s fine. But these kinds of posts are difficult to understand sometimes. That being said...people may understand and still not agree with you. Those are two different things.

[OblivionIsAtHand]

Look at that. You overlooked the complimentary. Figured you would. You seemed to have leapt right to the negative.

Well I’ve never been accused of pandering before. That’s a new one.

Surprise! Now you have.

you are doing to me exactly what you are accusing others of doing to you. Piling it on

How so? One has to have others in their corner to do that, in the way that I meant it.

You assume that I haven’t read your other posts and base your judgement on that. I have read your posts. They are long.,.yes.

No, I was basing my judgment on your misunderstanding of me kicking everyone in the teeth, which is clearly not the case. Read harder.

One thing I find interesting is that when you get a reply that you don’t like, you say “maybe my post wasn’t long enough ...” could you possibly be confusing quantity with quality?

No, I make long posts to embody counter-replies, possible criticisms, etc. To preemptively acknowledge what someone will invariably overlook. None of these posts are about quality. I'm not aiming for quality.

But these kinds of posts are difficult to understand sometimes. That being said...people may understand and still not agree with you. Those are two different things.

No doubt. Never said that they wouldn't, and I admire when it's done diplomatically.

Look, I'm not trying to pick a fight with you, although I don't even view this as 'fighting'; I'm just providing my perspective. I appreciate you for posting on my other thread. Let's just leave it at we both misunderstand the situation--or just me--whatever---I'll take the fall.

[Shazerac]

You like to argue that’s OK keep calm and carry on.

[OblivionIsAtHand]

Everything's fine.

[MsDinah]

You are certainly, as you say, overwhelmed by the chaos of your own mind. Unfortunately, I have been there myself, though I never put my thoughts into writing and I was never overwhelmed to the extent you are. I have no advice, but I hope you find your way to some semblance of peace in your life and can find relief from obsessing over your internal demons.