confessions of little turtle with love

I think it's purely genetic factors which are responsible for the most severe of mental illness like schizophrenia. Then again if factors like bad parenting come in place, they should contribute to less serious disorders like anxiety (which may in fact turn life-threatening later on) and they the physical/psychological/sexual abuse should take place in early childhood (before the age of 6.)


In my case I have infantile injury. Later asphyxiation. Later abuse and then isolation from society. Which led frankly to my utter destruction.

wait a minute....utter destruction??????????
I think that you may be underestimating your ability to succeed...you are still young...but you need some good help...people here on this forum can and will help you...they have helped me...

I avoid eye contact, don't make sense while speaking and my social manners are very poor. Couple that with my injury and I get a mixture of memory loss and that. I may be autistic (not sure how to diagnose myself with that) and I am pretty sure autistic people cannot be socially normal. And what am I supposed to do now, if I have to escape from this?

Don't get me wrong, people are nice here. But I cannot be helped, people tell me to "live just like this", they know my situation fully. In my tuition last year nobody took me seriously, everyone just acted like I am a joke. It's gonna be same this year at college. I am a joke, and always will be one. There's no escape, why? Because my brain is programmed in an absurd manner. I am not independent, I cannot fill my forms required for admission in college, I just sign them, while my dad fills out those. You wouldn't want a medical student like that. Let alone a doctor. Yes I know these skills can be learned, but it'll take a long time. I was supposed to learn those skills long ago. Now everyone just laughs at me and those people tell each other how retarded I am.


It hurts me, I used to be brilliant. But my doctors aren't interested in taking me out of this environment, root cause of everything, why should I be? I'll just die.

you could still be a doctor....I am not impressed with all the mental and physical problems that you have...you are standing in your way of helping other people with their mental illness...you know what it is like...

But here we live in the utter shame of mental illness. When I visit my psychiatrist I see most people put their prescription files in a carry bag. They wouldn't want a psychiatrist to be mentally ill, they wouldn't understand. People still do not understand it's biological, they wouldn't want their doctor to be demon-possessed. And I don't have the hands to be a surgeon. I don't know...

you don't have to be a surgeon...what do YOU want to be....

I think I will find out who I am going to be once I get into med school. The examination is this February and I think I will attempt it. Now the only thing needed is patience and perseverance, so I don't lose my track.... but it's easier said than done. I still have to see what destiny has for me, and I hate it I am not fully in control of who I am going to be.

The med exam is next Feb, so you have loads of time to study. Stick to it and don't give up. Working hard will surely help. There's still time to learn from scratch...like filling out your forms for yourself. You can look up the form after your dad fills it up and see how he has filled it up and learn from it so that you can fill up the next form yourself...maybe with his help. It used to be the same with me, but I have gradually learnt with my Mom's help how to fill up my forms myself. So there's no reason to feel frustrated.
And like little turtle said, you don't have to be a surgeon...you can be a doctor.
What do you want to be?

It's difficult to put down my thoughts in words, but still I m going to try....

Whitaker points out that the information presented to the general public about the cause of depression/bipolar disorder/schizophrenia is false. But I was wondering…he does not speak anything about the real causation, doesn’t mention if scientists are trying to research what may be actually causing these disorders if less/more than normal levels of serotonin/dopamine/norepinephrine is not responsible for them.

I initially thought that maybe a lower than normal no. of vescicles on the pre-synaptic neurorn releasing less serotonin/adequate no. of vescicles on the pre-synaptic neuron but still releasing less than normal amount of serotonin maybe responsible which would still support the serotonin theory. But Whitaker rules that out. Whitaker also rules out that a less than normal no. of post-synaptic serotonin receptors may be responsible.

So does it have something to do with the pulse that helps in signal transmission from the pre-synaptic neuron to the post-synaptic neuron? Somehow is the pulse below the threshold level for the signal to be transmitted? What are the factors that may prevent the pulse from reaching the threshold value? ….Well I forgot my undergrad material about neural conduction and synaptic transmission…I have to read it up again before I can discuss this in detail. I have a book on Biopsychology by Pinel. I m going to read it and come back here and discuss the issue in detail.

Also I didn’t understand how serotonin staying longer in the synapse can help in signal transmission from the pre-synaptic to the post-synaptic neuron. Maybe I’ll find out about it in my Biopsychology book as well.

Thank you so much for helping me out.

My problem lies in my development as a child. I was supposed to learn to socialize as a child, to play with other children, to learn skills like sports and good communication. I didn't, I was instead forced to be outside only for school. Nobody came my home at that time (and frankly as I have entered college since two years nobody from my college does either) and I didn't visit anybody's home. I found myself watching cartoons all day. I have squint now, due to all screen abuse I did as an escape mechanism.

Now because of all that, my inexperience as a child to socialize and be independent, I have deep anxiety, rooted in my brain's structural abnormalities. I am left with questions like, "How am I supposed to fill forms with my terrible handwriting? Wouldn't it be a waste of time and paper?" and people mock me when I go outside, simply because they have a mental image of me being retarded. Which frankly I may be. No official word yet.

I still have dreams of my high school friends. I don't know why but it's like literally every day I dream of my love interests now. I am left dwelling in the past, where it wasn't this bad. Maybe I can still win them, I just need to get out of this environment. But my parents and the environment in general triggers my mental illness, and I forget everything I read. Worse, I lose hope to get into med school, hence I believe the "mood swings" I get.

I want to be a doctor, and I want to save people's lives. That's all. For myself yes I have dreams, like owning a Classic 350 and actually riding it frequently. I also don't want to marry but be in a relationship. It's all very hard when you find yourself in a situation like mine, where everyone just tells you to lose hope. That you're not worth their time. Just eating white lies that there's nothing wrong with you, because they wouldn't want you to commit suicidal because that's illegal.

Thank you so much for helping me out.


Im glad that I could be of any help to you.

My problem lies in my development as a child. I was supposed to learn to socialize as a child, to play with other children, to learn skills like sports and good communication. I didn't, I was instead forced to be outside only for school.


Nobody came my home at that time (and frankly as I have entered college since two years nobody from my college does either) and I didn't visit anybody's home. I found myself watching cartoons all day. I have squint now, due to all screen abuse I did as an escape mechanism.

Well I wasn't encouraged to interact with children of my age either. My mom would ignore my friends when they came to visit me and they stopped coming. As a result I didn't learn to socialize much and ended up not having any friend.

Now because of all that, my inexperience as a child to socialize and be independent, I have deep anxiety, rooted in my brain's structural abnormalities. I am left with questions like, "How am I supposed to fill forms with my terrible handwriting? Wouldn't it be a waste of time and paper?" and people mock me when I go outside, simply because they have a mental image of me being retarded. Which frankly I may be. No official word yet.

Don't worry about your handwriting. Many doctors have a terrible handwriting as well and it's ok to fill out forms with terrible handwriting.

I still have dreams of my high school friends. I don't know why but it's like literally every day I dream of my love interests now. I am left dwelling in the past, where it wasn't this bad. Maybe I can still win them, I just need to get out of this environment. But my parents and the environment in general triggers my mental illness, and I forget everything I read. Worse, I lose hope to get into med school, hence I believe the "mood swings" I get.

I wasn't in a relationship from mid 2005-2017 end....over 12yrs....So there's still time for you to find someone.

I want to be a doctor, and I want to save people's lives. That's all. For myself yes I have dreams, like owning a Classic 350 and actually riding it frequently. I also don't want to marry but be in a relationship. It's all very hard when you find yourself in a situation like mine, where everyone just tells you to lose hope. That you're not worth their time. Just eating white lies that there's nothing wrong with you, because they wouldn't want you to commit suicidal because that's illegal.

You wan't to be in a relationship but you don't want to marry? hmmm. I want to live-in with my bf for sometime before we marry but I would still love to get married to him. Btw never think about committing suicide. Stay strong...the future may have loads of nice things in store for you.

Well I wasn't encouraged to interact with children of my age either. My mom would ignore my friends when they came to visit me and they stopped coming. As a result I didn't learn to socialize much and ended up not having any friend.

I am sorry this happened to you. I know what not having friends can do to your life.
I am having hard time socializing but I think the future will hold a better tomorrow. If of course I enter med school. My mom thinks that friends will have a bad influence on me, so she doesn't approve any of my friends coming home... it's painful, she doesn't understand you need friends for good mental as well as physical health.


Don't worry about your handwriting. Many doctors have a terrible handwriting as well and it's ok to fill out forms with terrible handwriting.

I'll try to control my anxiety. But it won't yield perfect results.



I wasn't in a relationship from mid 2005-2017 end....over 12yrs....So there's still time for you to find someone.


That is assuming, I live to be of your age.

You wan't to be in a relationship but you don't want to marry? hmmm. I want to live-in with my bf for sometime before we marry but I would still love to get married to him. Btw never think about committing suicide. Stay strong...the future may have loads of nice things in store for you.


It's my personal opinion and I believe marrying would lead to only worsened life. I wouldn't want that...

That is assuming, I live to be of your age.
Of course you will. You will live in your 90s...be confident.

It's my personal opinion and I believe marrying would lead to only worsened life. I wouldn't want that...
I guess girls feel more secure in marriage. At least I do. I keep on telling my bf that I would want to be married to him. I love to wear a wedding ring.

Thanks actually... made me feel better.

I'll see what I make of myself.

So people won't glare me when I'll wear a white coat and ask questions like


"What are you?"

like I am some nosleep character or something.

Be confident! Hugs

I just wanted to say good morning to little turtle, and Fuzzy Bear, and everyone else that reads this thread!!!

good morning katydid...do you have anything to say that might
help all of us....how are you

I wish I could help myself. I just woke up from afternoon sleep and I am feeling depressed again.

i need to share something here...I heard that a 12 hour fast each day is very important for your brain and body
to readjust your metabolism....so from your last meal to your first meal 12 hour fast...I have not been doing that...I may try it..does anybody know about this..

Good morning katydid, little turtle and everyone

I understand the idea of therapeutic fasting is popular in some "Paleo" and "Keto" dietary circles. A name that comes up in this connection is Dr. Jason Fung.

I feel depressed too if I sleep in the aft especially if I sleep more than an hr....I feel as if I have wasted the whole day. I feel guilty and frustrated.

I slept for like three hours. I am feeling a strange feeling of nothingness yet it's painful, it's like ice in my heart. I am also feeling intense loneliness.

I have a mental illness....
I am unipolar...
I take 5 mg celexa every am...
I have bio/psy/soc causes...
welcome to this confession site..