confessions of little turtle with love

I am sad and mad about life...nothing will help that...
only if there would be a massive turnaround...some real hope..

There could be something around the corner, hiding from view.

Love from posters is waiting here specially for you Little Turtle

what hope is there for us besides taking psych drugs....

You don't know my condition... not that I know yours, but for seventeen and half years, I've been a subject to psychological experiments by patients. I cannot be a "Disabled Enablist", it's ridiculous, look, there was botany practical today, I couldn't study spirogyra using the compound microscope, how am I supposed to research on drugs? I've been lying to myself and you all the time. Thinking it'll change something. I am intellectually disabled, that's all that is there for me.

I am sad and mad about life...nothing will help that...
only if there would be a massive turnaround...some real hope..

what hope is there for us besides taking psych drugs....

We don't know your condition. Optimism that you will have some moments ahead that give you a lift, is something we find hard. So called normal people (those with ego's) have optimism. Now we may never reach their dizzy heights but little pieces followed with moments of worthwhileness mean far more to us.

I wish you well with your studies and may you be lucky with you're success. You're commitment alone shows you are a winner. Perceive yourself through you're own eyes and not those without the challenges you face. Level the playing field.

You are brilliant in you're own right TheLonelyChemist.
I admire your commitment.

Thirty shades, I thank you for being positive with me through all my posts.

The problem is, I am amnesic (or almost amnesic) and mentally retarded. My mother especially refuses treatments and she's the one that has made me like this. So I want to somehow overcome my situation and be a scientist that will discover drugs for brain conditions, simply because I know how it's like to be ill and there are not enough drugs for neural disorders (I know how it's like to have a sensation of needles pricking your arms and legs, and how it's like to have muscle knots.)

It may sound ridiculous, to be a Disabled Enablist. I do try, try hard in the lab, but no classmates tells me how to handle the apparatus and the teachers are too stressed at that moment to teach me from the start. I am thinking about switching sides and do a B.A instead but then what will it lead to? There are more jobless BAs here in our country than there are employed BAs. Teaching? Sure, but I will always have the voices in my head calling me a quitter. I'd remember my passion for chemistry and how I quit because I am a born-genius-made-failure person.

For the moment, my chemistry professor (who is a good friend of my father) has assured me everything will be alright, I just need to focus on pen-and-paper theory. It's not enough for my All-or-None perfectionist mind. I want to be a lecturer of chemistry but I am doubting my competency, what will I teach to my students, if I do not know myself know how to perform titration? In science, research and lab work is all that matters, nothing else, unless you're a theoretical chemist or physicist.

My mother, had she been treated with medications, wouldn't have caused so much pain and suffering to everyone around her. That includes our neighbors, my relatives, my sister (she's making her disabled too, like Tangled, making her stay at home outside of school) and my dad...


I don't know what I am supposed to do at this point.

Mental retardation is a condition where the person suffering is unable to do basic things like eating with one hand (I use two hands, ever since I learnt to eat myself) and a possible example is write in a legible handwriting. My handwriting is piss poor. Some symptoms that are relevant to me are -

• Poor planning or problem solving abilities
• Behavioral and social problems
• Failure to grow intellectually or continued infant-like behavior
• Problems keeping up in school
• Failure to adapt or adjust to new situations
• Difficulty understanding and following social rules

It's not that simple, but after observing my failure to do some things (like drawing, speaking without stuttering) I am convinced I am intellectually disabled. It's because I never learnt how to be socially accepted, thanks to my parents, who currently were describing about cutting all ties with my other relatives (both maternal and paternal) because I have "become spoiled."


About your advice, I cannot reduce my stress any more, it just seeps into me because of my environment, I still live in very dire conditions but I have been on meds for years, diagnosed with psychosis. My psychiatrist does his best, going to the point of psychosocial intervention therapy (that's what I make out) but I am still at very high stress levels.

I forget when I try to mediate (thoughts come in my mind and the next thing I know is I am forget I was meditating a while ago) I'll try to accept myself though, hope it'll make a difference.

My brain is very burnout because it's on 24/7. I dream daydreams, I daydream all the time I am awake, I try to continue my life while daydreaming. It's due to brain damage some area of my brain has become damaged and I am left thinking all the time (the best way I can describe my situation.) Psychiatrist gives me therapy and I praise him for that. It's one of the reasons why I want to be a scientist. There's simply not too much that's known in the world of medicine.

Thank you for praising me. It's not just disability that's against me, it's everything, the parents, the classmates, the environment, my own addictions and anxiety, my own brain.... that's totally what I get for trying to change the world in a positive way. There's no reason for good people to live anymore.

You may be wondering how I am this ill. You see, the reason why sometimes I mention my mother is that, she was always psychotic, even seventeen years ago. She doubted my father having affair with her sister (my aunt and his niece, I am inbred) and so she many times took the infant me to distant cities like Bombay (I don't remember the other ones) in state transport buses.

Those buses were horrible and many times I fell on the floor of the buses, the pain shooting through my whole body. So even as an infant I had to go through such HORRIBLE physical and emotional trauma. I, even as an infant, was subjected to such ignorant torture by my mother.

She wanted me to be a god. She has a little bit too much psychosis in her (she herself born to a barely teenager mother, my grandmother) and so she tried to make me a top-level administrative officer by isolating me from society and then telling me to only "study" and then totally ruining my life by inserting wrong thoughts in me. Now I am left with anything but ability to do experiments.


Which is the most important thing in my life and is the foundation of STEM. But how can I be if I am not allowed to go outside? Ridiculous, people and their illogical thinking. It's like she gave birth to me to see me as an IAS officer... ridiculous, it's not like this, I want to be a scientist, and I don't enjoy law or administration, I have zero exposure to them. I always liked science as a child, why cannot I do a career in it? Because you wanted me to do so before I was born? And you "helped" me by "shielding me from evil society?" Seriously, what the ****? How am I supposed to live without going outside? What am I, an animal?

Edit : I was listening to Headlights by Eminem and now I am listening to and it fits perfectly with the flow of the message.

[Talking to myself...]

"Too sensitive?"
Is that what I am?
What kind of sensitivity?
How did I come by this sensitivity?


((((((( Little Turtle )))))))

what is causing our fear and sadness...
what is causing our anxiety and depression...

I really don't like taking celexa....it is only 5mg...but I just am having trouble
getting off of it...I have taken different anti-depressants for 45 years.....I may be stuck...I am very afraid of these psych drugs...in fact i don't like any doctor drugs..