[MtnTime2896]

I've written a lot of negative posts lately. I'm sorry for that everyone. I'm by no means feeling any better, my head's still messed up and to add to that my depressive symptoms seem to be coming back, going back to being worse rather (either because of my thyroid or the fact that I'm just that lucky).

Anyway, I wanted a thread where it could be a safe place. I know PC is a safe place, but for some reason I'm just scared. All I want to do is hide. I'll try to keep my posts more positive. Everyone's welcome to join in, I'm just going to post here for a while starting now.

[MickeyCheeky]

Please don't feel gulty for your posts. You have to feel free to write what you need to write. It's not your fault for feeling this way, after all.

Of course you do not have to apologize for negative posts. This is a place where we can be "anonymous" so we can explore/figure out our true authentic self. Many of us have been raised or told by others in our lives that we must "be" or "feel" a certain way. It is my hope that we can express ourselves at PC without feeling judged (mostly this happens here but not always that's why the moderators here are so important).

I like you and am so glad you are posting. It is good to get negative feelings out somehow but then hopefully we can find positive things to think about too though I know a symptom of depression is the inability to think positively. If you are depressed, it is unhealthy for people to constantly be "down" on you for expressing how you feel (because they want you to pretend to be happy). I hope you can be yourself here as much as possible. Hopefully, that helps us heal.

[MtnTime2896]

Thank you, both of you. I can't sleep tonight and it's just got my mind thinking, which is never good.

I think the idea behind this thread is to hopefully bring me some level of peace. In real life, I really don't have a place where I can let myself put my symptoms on display. I've learned well over years and years how to hide and/or cover up my anxiety attacks, depression, bad hallucination episodes etc.. I had to learn because I got punished for displaying those things. Even though that has since changed, I don't believe most people in my life can accept it, let alone handle it. More than that, I don't believe they can accept one of the main reasons I got to this point.

Basically, because my mind is so unrelenting that I really don't have a safe place to be. Things strike me whenever they want. And I can't show that. I can't scream, I can't cry, I can't get angry, I can't be scared, I can't show vulnerability. At this point, no one currently tells me any of that, but it's so embedded in my head that I still can't do any of that. So, this is where I think I can "scream", "cry" etc.. I need a safe place because my mind won't let me have one.

(((((hugs))))

we are all here for you!

[Fuzzybear]

((((((( So leigheas )))))))
Well said, my friend

[MtnTime2896]

((((raging vortex))))

((((Fuzzybear))))

[MtnTime2896]

I need this safe place tonight.

I love my dad, I hate the way he talks to my mom. I love my mom, I hate the way she talks about my dad. And there's no way to avoid either it seems. I'm an adult, this stuff shouldn't bother me like it does, but I get so damn anxious and my intrusive thoughts get worse. I begin to panic but I can't do that in front of them. I can't just freak out like that when they're both pissed off. It all just makes me feel helpless (which doesn't help my PTSD) and hopeless. Like nothing is right, to everything is wrong, to why am I here, to I need to be punished because I don't deserve to be around, to screw it I give up fighting my SH urges (which always leaves me feeling ****ing terrible). After all of that I don't even want to get up off the couch I'm so exhausted.

I just want to scream and tell everyone to shut up. I can't handle confrontation and that's all there is here. Then everyone acts like it never happened but all of it won't quit playing in my head, over and over. It follows me into my dreams and sometimes even to the next morning. Then it goes away due to being replaced by new confrontation. I had to take an extra dose of my AP and my prn. Everything just set me off. Why am I so weak? They get over it, what the hell is wrong with me?

[MtnTime2896]

Things won't get out of my head. It's frustrating to say the least.

How's everyone else today?

[Calla lily12]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

I need this safe place tonight.

I love my dad, I hate the way he talks to my mom. I love my mom, I hate the way she talks about my dad. And there's no way to avoid either it seems. I'm an adult, this stuff shouldn't bother me like it does, but I get so damn anxious and my intrusive thoughts get worse. I begin to panic but I can't do that in front of them. I can't just freak out like that when they're both pissed off. It all just makes me feel helpless (which doesn't help my PTSD) and hopeless. Like nothing is right, to everything is wrong, to why am I here, to I need to be punished because I don't deserve to be around, to screw it I give up fighting my SH urges (which always leaves me feeling ****ing terrible). After all of that I don't even want to get up off the couch I'm so exhausted.

I just want to scream and tell everyone to shut up. I can't handle confrontation and that's all there is here. Then everyone acts like it never happened but all of it won't quit playing in my head, over and over. It follows me into my dreams and sometimes even to the next morning. Then it goes away due to being replaced by new confrontation. I had to take an extra dose of my AP and my prn. Everything just set me off. Why am I so weak? They get over it, what the hell is wrong with me?

You aren't weak at all. You're a sensitive, caring person.

(((((So))))) you're a wonderful person, never feel guilty for posting here

[Fuzzybear]

((((((( So leigheas )))))))

[MtnTime2896]

The more I think about it, the more I read my journals and then look at my life, I just don't think I have the right to complain. Yeah, things have been hard and my childhood definitely wasn't great, but I'm able to function for the most part.

To feel suicidal and to SH... what's wrong with me? I don't even hallucinate as much (though it's still an everyday occurrence). So in what frame of mind do I have to be in to complain right now?

I don't know, after hearing my grandpa talk about me yesterday I just feel like a lazy failure looking for any and every excuse not to support myself. Mind over matter, right? I just need to toughen up and deal. I have no right to be like this.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((( So leigheas )))))

I don’t think it’s helpful for anyone to say that you (or any of us) “just need to toughen up and deal”

If venting here helps at all, please keep posting

We care about you here

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

I need this safe place tonight.

I love my dad, I hate the way he talks to my mom. I love my mom, I hate the way she talks about my dad. And there's no way to avoid either it seems. I'm an adult, this stuff shouldn't bother me like it does, but I get so damn anxious and my intrusive thoughts get worse. I begin to panic but I can't do that in front of them. I can't just freak out like that when they're both pissed off. It all just makes me feel helpless (which doesn't help my PTSD) and hopeless. Like nothing is right, to everything is wrong, to why am I here, to I need to be punished because I don't deserve to be around, to screw it I give up fighting my SH urges (which always leaves me feeling ****ing terrible). After all of that I don't even want to get up off the couch I'm so exhausted.

I just want to scream and tell everyone to shut up. I can't handle confrontation and that's all there is here. Then everyone acts like it never happened but all of it won't quit playing in my head, over and over. It follows me into my dreams and sometimes even to the next morning. Then it goes away due to being replaced by new confrontation. I had to take an extra dose of my AP and my prn. Everything just set me off. Why am I so weak? They get over it, what the hell is wrong with me?

Absolutely. We both share a common emotion.

I have lost my feeling of anger due to my hallcuinations and delusions. I was told by them the powerful people will help me to achieve my dreams OR I will get killed if I don't listen to them. They picked on my mental illness, ironically enough (they don't exist) and even when I searched 'fantasy prone personality' which I believe my psychiatrist told me of, I heard voices like, "He's calling us non-existent." Really makes sense now.
Never even knew irony could get to this level.

What's more disturbing, is that my mother wants me to use as a tool so people will fear her and her relatives. Which, by the way, includes only my little sister and my dad... she keeps telling me I was raised in a good way (explains why I am brain damaged and everyone takes me as a joke) and I should aim to be a top ranking police officer, which by the way, has the same training as the military... I am a chair potato and it doesn't sound very realistic to my shattered mind.

So yes, I too cannot cry, crying is for the weak, I cannot laugh, "Why are you laughing you idiot?" when I laugh at jokes that keep playing in my mind, I cannot scream, it'll attract attention.... I am an emotionless disabled enablist. The level of irony in my life is so great it's ridiculous.

I am currently listening to Eminem's live songs, and precisely

, and I love the part...

Two trailer park girls go round the outside, round the outside, round the outside.

Guess who's back (Slim Shady), back again (Slim Shady), Shady's back (Slim Shady), Tell a friend (Slim Shady) Guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back... (Slim Shady)

I created a monster, 'cause nobody wants to see Marshall [me] no more, they want Shady. I am chopped liver. If you want Shady, this is just what I'll get ya.

Nobody likes upright, good people. They're unfit for survival. If you've a destiny to save the world, like I had, you'll end up dying before you're even born. Or is it my destiny that has made me like this, born as a joke yet trying hardest to be a savior? Or I am in a grey area of being a genius and a stupid person? An extremely grey area?

[MtnTime2896]

((((TheLonelyChemist))))

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

((((((( So leigheas )))))

I don’t think it’s helpful for anyone to say that you (or any of us) “just need to toughen up and deal”

If venting here helps at all, please keep posting

We care about you here

I appreciate that. I guess I'm just stuck in the "suck it up buttercup" frame of mind. Having this voice in my head doesn't help in the slightest. I don't feel like I have total control. He's so ****ing evil and I'm scared of him. Maybe I can "mind over matter" this situation since the meds don't seem to be working.

[MickeyCheeky]

You're NOT a failure

[SlumberKitty]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

The more I think about it, the more I read my journals and then look at my life, I just don't think I have the right to complain. Yeah, things have been hard and my childhood definitely wasn't great, but I'm able to function for the most part.

To feel suicidal and to SH... what's wrong with me? I don't even hallucinate as much (though it's still an everyday occurrence). So in what frame of mind do I have to be in to complain right now?

I don't know, after hearing my grandpa talk about me yesterday I just feel like a lazy failure looking for any and every excuse not to support myself. Mind over matter, right? I just need to toughen up and deal. I have no right to be like this.

I don't think its possible to just toughen up and deal with things all the time. Sometimes it's darn right impossible. Don't let your grandpa make you feel bad. You are doing the best you can. (((SO Leigheas)))

[Fuzzybear]

You’re not a failure

[MtnTime2896]

Never mind.

[Bill3]

(((((Só leigheas)))))

[MtnTime2896]

I needed this place last night. I should've used it. But I didn't. I guess I didn't want anyone to "see" me like that. It isn't the right forum to talk about this but I kept having flashbacks and dissociated a lot. That's all I'll write about it for now.

More and more, these memories that I presumed to be my imagination are being proven right. I'm not sure I can handle that. I think I was fine living in sweet ignorance. If only life would let me ****ing stay there.

I can't keep doing this.

[Bill3]

[MickeyCheeky]