The worst moment... (thanks PC)

i played with the sui plan today, then contacted my T. i was shaking and almost crying.
i cant see a reason to hold on except for my parents.
but here, im alone here. alone with this life that i dont want.
i cant see myself going on like this for long. im so sick and tired of my life.

It's good you contacted your therapist. Have you heard back?

yes, we exchanged a few texts during lunch break. i dont think she got how bad i was feeling though. its still bad and lonely but not as bad as some hours ago.

it is all part of the plan, so why am i surprised its going down in that direction? i should be prepared, but i guess you can never be prepared enough.

Thank you for talking with me Mopey.

Anything to keep you alive. By the way, what do you mean by "the plan", dear Sinking?

I'm going out for the afternoon in a moment, but I wanted to add to my post above that you might consider whether you made it very clear to your therapist exactly how despondent you really were feeling. After all, she can only react to what you're putting across and a lot of the time we - and I include myself here - quite naturally pull back on just how desperate we are when communicating with someone else, even a therapist.

(((((HUGS:group hug:HUGS)))))

https://www.healthyplace.com/sites/d...%20%283%29.jpg

Today is better than yesterday.

i accidentally drank some detergent and i got scared. i want to die on my own terms, not casually and for mistake.

I've accidentally drank detergent as well sinking. I thought it was orange juice :/

You wont need to die, sinking, believe me. It's going to be okay, you'll see.

(((Sending Hugs!!)))

What i really dont want is dying alone. i realized it today. i dont want to die in a place where im alone and where i dont know when they'll find me. i want to die in a place where i'll be alone but still surrounded by people. like a public wc? i know this may sound crazy...

Please don't die at all, dear Sinking. There really is much to live for.

I'm so sorry, sinking, I didn't see this thread earlier I'm so sorry I wasn't here for you. How are you doing? I hope things are going a bit better. I hope your appointment with your T will go well. I'm glad you have one. Please share all the doubts you have to him/her. He/she's there to help you after all. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Life is worth living. I'm sure there's at least a part of you that wants to live and to get better. After all, you're still reaching out for help. And that's awesome! Try to hang on to that part of you as much as you can. You're a wonderful person. We all love you here as this thread has already shown you. We all care about you here. I certainly care about you. You've helped me with your sweet posts and messages. I'm sure you're helping out many other people with your posts as well. I'm sure many other people here on PC can relate to what you wrote here, and they can feel less alone. You're actually doing a lot of good just by venting here. Keep doing that! Keep writing here if it helps. I hope we're able to help you a bit. You don't deserve to suffer like this, sinking. You deserve to get better and to live an happy life just like everyone else does. You deserve that because you're a wonderful person and because you exist. But to do that you need to be alive first. Please remember that. I'd suggest to make a safety plan with your therapist. I feel ike that could really help you. That way you'd be in less danger. If things get bad, please do consider going to the hospital. I know it's hard. But your safety must be the priority. And there's nothing to be ashamed of. Are there any hotlines you can call if things get bad? I'd suggest to try that as well. You're a wonderful person. Stay strong, sinking. Stay safe and take care of yourself. You're awesome! You're strong! You're a warrior! I'm so sorry, I know it's hard. Please don't give up. I hope things will get better soon for you. Is there anything we can do to help you? Please let us know. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, my friend

Thank you for your continuous support. i said PC is helping a lot.

Im at my parents for the night. its so much better here, i almost cant remember how bad i was feeling a few hours ago. or a few days ago.

i saw T today but it didnt help much. she listened, but at the end of the session she rushed me out of the door. im not sure she got how bad i was feeling.

tomorrow im seeing ex T. i know he will calm me down and i'll feel better for a few hours at least.

today i also found out im going to keep receiving the invalidity pension for a few years. it gives me enough to be able to work only part time if i want it.

Thank you all for your support. its helping a lot.

When I was sinking my friend gave me an advice.. When one door shuts down at least one window opens. I am glad that you solved some issues and with part time work you will be able to manage you symptoms and treatment .

Keep going my friend.. you are important to us..

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better, sinking! Keep fighting. You're a wonderful person. I'm so sorry things are being so hard for you. You don't deserve to suffer like this. I'm sos orry your T is not being too helpful to you. Is there any way you can go back to your old T? Either way, I hope you'll be able to get the help you need and deserve. You don't deserve to suffer like this. You deserve to get better. You're a wonderful person. Stay strong, sinking. Stay safe and take care of yourself. You're awesome! You're strong! You're a warrior! Keep writing here if it helps. I'm so sorry, I know it's hard. Please don't give up. I hope things will get better soon for you. Is there anything we can do to help you? Please let us know. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this

I've seen my exT today. it didnt help much (nothing does) but i was happy to se him. he said he is proud of me for what i have achieved in these years. i said im not proud and i dont feel good about myself. that whatever i have achieved is for a facade and getting a real job and a flat changed nothing about how i feel about myself, but i was happy to hear that from him and to hear he thinks of me often. he also said to call/text him if i need it.

anyway, what really helps is PC (again, thank you! ). its always here when i need it. when i come back from work…

on the other hand, i count the seconds (literally) at work.its hard to work so much when you dont like your job.

im glad the week is almost over, even if i have a work-related course on saturday this week. but only 1 day at work for this week. i can do it. 1 day at work. i hope saturday goes by without much effort…

white noise is helping a lot too.

How are you generating the white noise, sinking? I know one of the posters above suggested it and I was intrigued since I hate loud, obnoxious noises. I figure if it helps you, maybe it can help me!

Hang in there. We're with you.

Hi sinking.
I hope you are feeling better now. I can relate to a lot of what you write. I’m happy that it helps you to write here. I think it helps too to learn of people similar to you.
I hope the weekend will be good for you. Hope you feel better

I use white noise at times. It helps me a lot. Though I would prefer to sleep in a place where I wouldn't have to use it. The sound is alright, but it's great for drowning out the noise. The walls and floors/ceilings seem to be very thin at where I live. I can hear just about everything from downstairs from me. Some nights, not much, they would be talking in the middle of the night. They don't have a life. Don't work and don't go anywhere.

I can very much relate to having noisy neighbors and it's not much fun. With that and other rude neighbors that I have, it sends me into a depression. I'm working on moving out.

For now im using YouTube for the white noise. i listen to it when i get home from work (even on lunch break because its so relaxing) and stay on pc. i turn it off when i go to bed. i'd like to keep it turned on though. maybe i'll download the sound and find a way to listen to it without my pc staying open.

Yesterday's break from work (to see exT) helped a lot too. im more relaxed and can better put up with daily routine.

Tonight coming back home from work i stopped by and got myself a pizza. its a reward for getting at the end of the week. i still have the course to attend to tomorrow, but its not work.

for the first time im content with what i have. at the beginning of the week, i never thought i would have felt like this about my home especially, but about my "life" too. i thought it would have taken me months to feel like this. only 1 week. i cant believe it. and i guess my exT helped a lot. hearing him being proud of me did more than i thought. and i finally realized that i needed this. coming back home at night after work and not having to pretend with anyone. not having to talk or listen to anyone. not having someone waiting for me or having someone sleeping with me. i couldnt bear that. im so happy i got myself a pizza tonight!

and PC has helped me more than i can say
thank you everyone for talking with me or just reading me...

We are here because we understand and we have each other...

Today i attended the course. it was really nice and wasnt heavy at all. i already knew the teacher, since i met him 4 years ago while trying to find a job. it brought up good memories. some were sad though, and hard to face. i kind of miss that period of my life. some people. and i miss what happened in between. back then, there was more freedom. on one hand i had more failure feelings and thoughts, but on the other hand i had less responsibilities.

The course was about learning to get your feelings out and learning to see your faults/weaknesses as resources instead.
it was about disability too. i have just been (re)evaluated as 80% (psychologically) disable. i feel closer to disabled people than normal people. the course and the teacher made me feel ok, acceptable, accepted, appreciated and with added value. maybe even more worthy of being alive.

The teacher showed INTEREST in what i had to say. which was little, but he made me feel INTERESTING. i love feeling that way!

he has founded a social association that helps physically handicapped / mental retarded people (mostly young adults) becoming independent from their parents by living together in a flat away from home. what i love about it is that the teacher follows closely his members and shows interest in really ANYTHING they do or say. i'd love to be followed like that too. when i met him, i was trying to get a job as his "colleague", while even back then, i knew i would have loved being one of his disabled young adults. not because i liked them/their lives but because i loved how closely they were followed and cared for.

today he has brought up a lot of memories, thoughts and feelings. i like being interested in something/someone like i felt today. i usually dont care much about anything or anyone. it was good having him get my attention. usually, i have my daily routine (still building it in with my job and my new home) and i care very little about anything or anyone. there are few things or people that intellectually stimulate me. most of the times, not even my T. and i find it very fulfilling when it does happen.

now, im back at my parents' for the weekend. its good and i dont feel like being with them is 100% good and living alone is 100% bad anymore. i cant believe i have changed my feelings and thoughts so much since i started this thread.
just sharing my (positive) thoughts and feelings about today…

and thanks to everyone here

You rock, sinking! I have much to learn from you. Thank you so much for sharing all of this. You're a very inspiring person. I'm sure your story will help and inspire many other people, especially here on PC. Thank you so much for being here for all of us! You're a wonderful person. Sending many hugs to you

Thank you Mickey.

i spent today at my parents'. it was ok. i spent most part of the day in bed watching my favorite tv series. it may seem depressing but i really love watching tv series. i dont really have a life, so i live through the characters.

im NOT ready to go back to work tomorrow morning but what can i do?

at least i've decided what im going to eat and buy at the gorcery store. i dont like cooking but i like eating what i want and when i want it. thats the positive of living alone. its also true that i eat alone and i dont like it much but everything has pros and cons, right?

Love to everyone

Keep on keepin’ on, Sinking. The situation you described with the leader you felt cared about you sounds very good. Many hugs and good wishes.... ❤️