[MickeyCheeky]

I just can't bear it anymore. It's too much I'm struggling with. I know these are silly things that just don't matter, but I can't help but suffer.
I don't what to do with my life. I don't like what I'm studying. I don't want to do it. But what else should I study if I have no idea of what I'd like to do? Any career that I can think of is either not interesting to me, too difficult for me, or it's just not a valid career option, or even all of these things.
I don't have any hobbies. I don't know what I like to do. I try to do some activities and to figure it out. But I just can't find anything. Everything bores me. It's like there's something wrong with me. How can I go on with my life if I don't even know what I like to do in my free time?
I don't have any friends IRL. Nobody cares. I don't have any social skills. I have always tried my best to socialize with others, but it just doesn't work. They don't like me. They find me miserable and they have never liked spending time with me. It seems like no matter how hard I try, I'm just doomed to have no friends and to be misreable. Only people online, like here on PC, try to understand me. But I'm always so lonely IRL, I can't take it.
I don't have a girlfriend. I've never had. This is one of the things that hurt me the most. I'd love to spend time with a person who I love deeply and who loves me just as deeply, but how can I even think about it if I have no friends, if I don't know what to do with my life, if nobody loves me, if I hate myself? And yet I still wish it.
I can't ask for help. I just can't. I've tried. I've asked for help to several therapists. I've tried to take some meds. They don't work. Nothing works. I just can't be honest with people. I can't take the steps that are necessary to heal. I'm just weak. I'm not strong enough. I'm not able to say that I need help to those who could help. Things will never get better because of this. I'm weak. I'm a loser. It's all my fault all of this is happening to me. I'm doing all of this by myself. None of this is the fault of other people. It's all on me. It all depends on me and I can't change. I'll never be able to change it. I'm a pathetic loser and I hate myself. If I were gone, nobody would miss me, and they'd be right. Why would they miss me? I have never done a single good thing, a single right thing in my life. There's no reason to miss me. I'm just garbage that's waiting to be thrown out.
And the worst part is that I disappointed the few people that cared about me. The people that were kind enough to believe in me. Not only couldn't I do it for myself, but I couldn't do it for them, either. I have disappointed everyone. They didn't deserve it. They deserve to be around better people. Strong people. People that won't betray their trust. Like I did. I'm so sorry, everyone. Please forgive me

[MickeyCheeky]

I deserve all of this

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((( MickeyCheeky ))))))))
You deserve only good things. You’re so kind and supportive on here. You’re a wonderful person. You aren’t “weak” I’m so sorry the help you’ve been given hasn’t been helpful. That isn’t your fault. There are a few therapists who are extremely good, intelligent, patient, creative and helpful but I haven’t found one of them I’m not sure what to advise but I’m sending you many hugs and I hope you feel better soon. Please don’t give up. This isn’t your fault.

[little turtle]

MC---some days are really impossible...

[MickeyCheeky]

Thank you all so much for your support, guys

[mote.of.soul]

Aaw (((Mickey))). You're such a caring spirit and that's a fact. It's a reality! Fuzzybear is right Mickey, none of this is your fault, it's just the way life has unfolded for you. It is a difficult lonely journey sometimes, yes, especially when you're young. My gosh, I remember how it was as well...

Please try not to send yourself those negative self messages please, I do understand though. It might make you feel more depressed you see.

Also, no one can say you haven't tried your best - and are still trying your best - and anyone who thinks you're not worth it is just wrong okay? It's a tough journey all right, hugs! But good things are going to happen for you Mickey, it's inevitable my friend, you just have to keep going. The good things will come as they did for me - that's how I know.

[Mopey]

Mickey, darling, has something specific brought this outpouring on? Seriously, did something recently happen that deeply disturbed you? So you've downed 2 bottles of wine and are banging your head against the bedpost, what?

You've made it clear recently on the forum that you feel you've come up against a brick wall with your education, you're not sure what you're going to do with your life, and so on. You're trying to find your way. As people have said, this is not at all unusual. It's kind of one of those life passages that can take some time to resolve.

But somehow just knowing that doesn't seem to help you much. There seem to be some underlying forces that are more deeply wracking you. I particularly noticed one sentence in your post that kind of stood out to me:

[I'm not able to say that I need help to those who could help.]

You're welcome to expand on that more privately to me if you wish, as to who those people are and why you don't feel you can go to them. Without names of course. If there's anything I can do to help, even if it's just lending an ear, I'm more than glad to try.

In the meantime, if you want good, supportive advice, all you have to do is read one of your own generous-hearted posts to people on this forum who are in pain.

And by the way, you are NONE of those awful things you said about yourself above. I don't even know where you GOT those things. What part of you did they come from? And none of them - I repeat, NONE of them - approach being true. You are a human being. You no doubt have faults and weaknesses as do the rest of us. As they say, there was one perfect person, and look what happened to Him.

Please, please, please don't do anything rash. At least wait till the wine wears off! I'd be willing to bet that every single person on this forum cares about you. You may not be a great genius or astrophysicist or Pablo Picasso, but you are obviously a sweet, loving, giving, human being. Now are you like that on the inside, but having a hard time putting it out on the outside, for any number of reasons?

Trust me, you are well worth saving. Keep talking to us, and me, here on the Forum. Much love.... :group hug:

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

If I were gone, nobody would miss me, and they'd be right. Why would they miss me? I have never done a single good thing, a single right thing in my life. There's no reason to miss me. I'm just garbage that's waiting to be thrown out.

Yikes. Micky, that entire post was untrue. I would miss you and I feel badly you have been building this up.

Please take it one step at a time. If I remember correctly you are young and I know that it came seem like what is happening at one point in your life will boot strap into the rest of your life but it won't.

Life wasn't meant to be done right the first time. Rather it is meant to be filled with mistakes and fits and stops.

As they say, it is the journey that is important.

Huge hugs coming your way Mickey. I'm so sorry you are struggling with the beast that is depression. Please know that depression lies. It cannot tell the truth. You are not alone. We care about you. You're a wonderful person. Your hobby is being supportive on pc. We appreciate you. I'm glad you're here. Take it one step at a time.

[Mopey]

Amen, Ptak.

[luvyrself]

Somebody in Italy step up here and take MC for a walk and talk or at last a phonecall.
Cmon people, lets go!

[Fuzzybear]

Hugs hugs hugs, I know you’ll get through this. You’ve got the whole of pc supporting you. I’m sure you’ll find a girlfriend one day. I know it’s hard. Much love from me

I appreciate your kind heart in this ****ed up world where most people only care about themselves ...

[Sunflower123]

(((((( MickeyCheeky )))))) You are one of the kindest, most supportive, caring people it is my honor to know on PC. Not one thing you said about yourself is true. Please reach out to the people who you said might be able to help. Can you show them this post? Can you write it down and give it to them?

Every time I see you around or read one of your posts, I smile and think about how special you are. We care for you so much. Sending you many hugs and supportive vibes.

[Mopey]

Originally Posted by luvyrself

Somebody in Italy step up here and take MC for a walk and talk or at last a phonecall.
Cmon people, lets go!

Luvurself, this is a stroke of genius. Idiot introvert that I am, it never occurred to me that Mickey doesn’t need deep analysis, she wants company, God bless her, as the sweet warm people person she is.

You are absolutely right. I am going to pray that some equally lovely being asks her out for an evening. Whoever it will be doesn’t know yet how lucky they are!

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((( MickeyCheeky ))))))))))))


I also like supporting people here. I’m very glad you’re here with us on pc. You’re such a kind soul

[Yzen]

You are a special, caring person. Enough people IRL don't know that.

Not knowing what you want to do in life is common. Sometimes you have to pick a direction that seems 'good enough' and see where it takes you. It doesn't have to be the perfect direction...I don't think there are any perfect directions. There are elements of boredom and uncertainty everywhere. Each path has obstacles and difficulties. It is the adjustments you make along the way that help you figure out the right place for you to end up.

Just my thoughts. I hope things get better for you soon.

[zapatoes]

Hope it works well for you Mickey Cheeky and you can find something you like to do even if it means changing from your original plan. It’s hard to know what to do for a career as sometimes your likes and dislikes change or the dynamics of your job change for whatever reason such as technology or changes in your particular field. Good luck and remember never give up. In graduate school I put up a small poster of a drawing with the words “never give up” at the top of the page and it showed a bird being strangled by a frog or something to that effect. Never give up!

[sinking]

((((((((((Mickey))))))))))

Im SO proud of you for sharing this here and opening up about how you're feeling. Talking about you for once.
I know right here and right now it may seem it doesnt change anything and you dont feel any better, actually worse maybe, but on the long run it does help.
As you start talking about your feelings, you'll start seeing you CAN be honest and talk. You deserve it, you are worth the effort. And with this, you'll start seeing how many people care and love you.
You do have me as your friend here on PC and in real life too. Maybe we live too far away to meet up for coffe and chat, but im always here for you.
Keep talking you're doing a wonderful job. I promise it will help. And what about sharing this post with your T?
Keep doing, keep talking, something IS changing. In you.

Lots of love

[MickeyCheeky]

Thank you all so much for your love and support, guys I feel like I don't even deserve it to be honest. There was nothing in particular that made me write this. I've been feeling like this for a long time... I guess the title is true. I just couldn't keep it inside me. But I didn't know who to turn up to. I'm so sorry I wrote so much here. I didn't want to bother anyone. I just couldn't take it. I still think all of this is my fault. I just can't share my problems with others. Not my therapist, not my parents... I just can't do it. I'm too afraid to humiliate myself and to be judged. Just the thought of it scares me so much. If I don't ask for help, I'll stay like this forever... but I just can't do it. I just can't If only I were stronger, like all of you are. You're all struggling with much worse things than me and yet you're able to manage it all... what about me? What excuse do I have? I don't have excuses. And yet I just can't be honest. I can't ask for help. It's all my fault because I'm doing all of this to myself I don't blame others for not wanting to be around me. I don't even want to be around myself, why should others? They're right in doing so. It's not their fault. I'm male, btw. I'm so sorry for the confusion Thank you all so much for being here for me. I'm so sorry for dumping all of this to you. You don't deserve it. Sending many hugs to everyone

You sound very depressed. It's normal to not want to tell our parents everything that is going on. You are at an age where you are trying to gain independence. Aren't you also seeing a psychiatrist? I know you tried Depakote but have you told the psychiatrist how deep your depression is? A lot of times, they have to try many medications before finding what works.

If you were not as depressed, I think it would be easier for you to take the chances you need to take. Like asking a girl out on a date. It is harder to be outgoing when we are depressed. Social skills take practice. From my POV, your social skills on line are great. There are many girls your age longing to be asked out on a date. Been there. You would be a great partner from my POV. Please ask for help. I actually recommend starting with your psychiatrist or therapist--as a parent, sometimes I get so emotional about what my kids are going through that I am of no help.....

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

Thank you all so much for your love and support, guys I feel like I don't even deserve it to be honest. There was nothing in particular that made me write this. I've been feeling like this for a long time... I guess the title is true. I just couldn't keep it inside me. But I didn't know who to turn up to. I'm so sorry I wrote so much here. I didn't want to bother anyone. I just couldn't take it. I still think all of this is my fault. I just can't share my problems with others. Not my therapist, not my parents... I just can't do it. I'm too afraid to humiliate myself and to be judged. Just the thought of it scares me so much. If I don't ask for help, I'll stay like this forever... but I just can't do it. I just can't If only I were stronger, like all of you are. You're all struggling with much worse things than me and yet you're able to manage it all... what about me? What excuse do I have? I don't have excuses. And yet I just can't be honest. I can't ask for help. It's all my fault because I'm doing all of this to myself I don't blame others for not wanting to be around me. I don't even want to be around myself, why should others? They're right in doing so. It's not their fault. I'm male, btw. I'm so sorry for the confusion Thank you all so much for being here for me. I'm so sorry for dumping all of this to you. You don't deserve it. Sending many hugs to everyone

Your struggle is just as real as anybody else’s. You’re not dumping on us. Don’t apologize. You’re giving us all the opportunity to help you. You’ve helped many of us and most people like to be able to return that friendship. This is the place for venting our emotions. I don’t like to talk to anybody IRL about this stuff either. I don’t even feel comfortable opening up to a therapist either. It’s really hard trying to figure out what you want to do for your career. You can get burnt out and exhausted with school. One thing I’m certain of is this: you are capable of far more than you realize. That is the one major thing I have learned in life. Please PM me if you need to talk.

[sinking]

Mickey,

with this very post you have showed us and to yourself too that you CAN talk, share your issues and your feelings. YOU CAN. you already did it!

of course you couldnt keep it all bottled inside. you did very well by sharing it here. i'll say it again, im SO proud of you!

maybe your T isnt a good match for you. maybe you could try with someone else. as someone here said, i think its normal for you to be unable to share much with your parents though.

As for this being your fault, i dont believe its so simple. maybe its your way of making sense of your feelings, but your fault, no.
You just havent found the right people. its not so easy to make good friendships at school or at university. and most people of your age is so dumb. you are very sensitive and loving and caring and brilliant. it might make it difficult for you to make friendships and socialize, but its definately a point in your favor, not against you. it will help you finding the right people.

i dont understand why you feel like by talking you'd humiliate yourself. can you explain it? really. PLEASE.
you know you are not judged here. thats what maybe helped you opeing up. what about your T? do you feel like he/she is judging you?

you ARE strong, you are. being sensitive as you are in this world, takes a lot of courage. sharing your feelings here has taken a lot of courage too. you ARE strong. and you CAN do it. you can do whaterver you want actually.

you are suffering from loneliness a lot. im so sorry about that. but you can do something about it. its not the only thing you'll experience in your life. unless you isolate yourself. finding new friends is easier if you are open to meeting new people and just throw yourself in, without judging yourself too much. the only one judging you is you. try not to care too much about what others think of you. only you know you. only you know your story. what others think is not as relevant as what YOU think of yourself.

im so glad you have found this forum and you can share here and help others and let others help you. maybe it can alleviate a bit your loneliness. and help you finding your path in life.

keep talking. the more you talk the more you'll be able to be aware of whats hurting you and you'll be able to do something about it. you'll find a way. if you want to.

take this in. you CAN be honest, you CAN ask for help, you CAN talk about your feelings and thoughts. you CAN. you did it.

i do want to be around you. i cant do it physically, but im here. we are here. we all love and care about you so much. you're such a gentle loving person. you do deserve all the best and i hope we can help you even if just a little bit, as you always help us here. we are happy if we can help you even just by listening. we are here for you. we love you. keep talking. i mean it. KEEP TALKING. you said you want to work on yourself. great! keep talking!!!!

Lots of love,

[MickeyCheeky]

Thank you all so much for listening to me, guys You're all wonderful people. I don't deserve all of this support from all of you. Thank you so much. Your posts and your kindness almost makes me cry. I guess I'm just afraid I'll be judged for my problems. Perhaps I don't want to betray other people's trust. They believe in me, they believe I'm strong, but I'm not, and I'm afraid to tell them the truth I'm afraid to disappont my parents, my T, everyone. I'd have to admit that I'm a failure. It's just so hard for me. Perhaps I'm just discouraged and I'm convinced things won't get any better. Things haven't been working out for now. Pehraps they won't work out in the future as well. I'm just so tired. I'm tired of hiding and running away. But the alternative scares me so much. I'm so sorry if I'm being such a loser or such a whiny person. Thank you all so much for being here for me. You deserve all the love and kindness of the world. You're all wonderful people. Sending many hugs to everyone

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((( Mickey )))))))))
You aren’t a loser or a whiny person, you’ve helped me so many times and I hope I can help you a bit as well. You don’t judge others, and you deserve not to be judged.. I think that is how life is supposed to work
(It hasn’t always worked that way for me but life sucks sometimes )

Things not having worked out in the past is absolutely not a predictor of how things will work out in the present or future. It shows that you’re a wonderful, empathic person that you’re concerned about disappointing people. I hope that some day you’ll see that you’re a wonderful and strong person and that you’ll one day find the happiness you so much deserve. Until then I’m here for you

[mikimostar]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

Thank you all so much for listening to me, guys You're all wonderful people. I don't deserve all of this support from all of you. Thank you so much. Your posts and your kindness almost makes me cry. I guess I'm just afraid I'll be judged for my problems. Perhaps I don't want to betray other people's trust. They believe in me, they believe I'm strong, but I'm not, and I'm afraid to tell them the truth I'm afraid to disappont my parents, my T, everyone. I'd have to admit that I'm a failure. It's just so hard for me. Perhaps I'm just discouraged and I'm convinced things won't get any better. Things haven't been working out for now. Pehraps they won't work out in the future as well. I'm just so tired. I'm tired of hiding and running away. But the alternative scares me so much. I'm so sorry if I'm being such a loser or such a whiny person. Thank you all so much for being here for me. You deserve all the love and kindness of the world. You're all wonderful people. Sending many hugs to everyone

You are one of the best people on this forum. This would not be the same thing without you.

You are at the point of your life where is some insecurity and you do not feel comfortable. Every change is hard and asking for more effort.

YOU will find your way.. I belive in you. It is just a bad moment. :