Burned out and depressed.

I hope I did not upset you and apologize if I did.

Depression is very difficult and strenuous on a person. Do you have anyone that can help you on an emotional level (listen to you, give advice, etc) - friend, counselor, etc .. there in your offline life that you can contact whenever you need (this is a good place, but sometimes you may need responses faster than this place can provide so its nice to also have offline support is all i mean here).

I hope you will start feeling happier again soon. You sound so weary now. I remember when you were so sure of yourself (in a good way - not smart aleck way) and full of fight yet also quick to give a hug or lend a shoulder to cry on if needed ..

You are such a beautiful soul.

I really don't get upset by what I read in posts. I'll give consideration to anyone's point of view. Some advice I take; some I don't. If someone's point of view differs from mine, that doesn't bother me . . . or even surprise me. I don't get "triggered" by anything I read on PC. Life upsets me, probably more than it should, but opinions on threads roll right off me. Either I find them interesting, or I don't.

I've had posters get upset with me, and I try to learn from those occasions to be more aware of the sensitivities of others. I think PC has heightened my awareness in that regard.

Ok - thank you

Crypts, you and others IRL have told me I sound tired. Well, it occurred to me today that I have been unusually tired and sleepy feeling around the clock. I think I figured something out.

I've been taking Indocin for painful tendonitis in my left heel. It's been a miracle drug. My heel, my back, everything feels so much better. But I can hardly stay awake. Well, there's a price for everything. I googled side effects of Indocin. I saw article after article citing drowsiness as a side effect.

I am weary of my caretaking duties, and I know depression makes getting out of bed hard, but this trouble I'm having staying awake seems like something new. I'm not sure. But I think it's the Indocin.

Tomorrow I won't take it, and I'll see what happens. I have to wake up enough to get things done.

My bf is doing pretty good. He tries to be nice. I'm glad he's still here.

Rose you're doing an amazing amount of work. No wonder you're tired. If they offer respite care, there should be an option for a house cleaner to help you . Can you look in to that possibility? I'm still thinking of you and wish there was more I could offer.

You can also try natural things to help you feel more energized - that way you don't need to give up the thing that is helping you so much. It is just an idea though. Surely your choice what you want to do. ❤

I would love to find someone with housekeeping ability, and maybe I should look specifically for that. They're out there . . . somewhere.

These "home attendants" that the agencies send to old people, like my bf, aren't very good at anything. They aren't nurse's aids, so they can do much "hands on" care. They aren't much good at cooking or cleaning, or they'll have better paying jobs doing those things. They are basically "sitters." It's someone to be in the house for safety sake, so I can close the bedroom door and really sleep, or leave the house for a couple of hours.

Perhaps adding some of these foods into your diet may help?

27 Foods That Can Give You More Energy

Holy carp, crypts, thats practically my whole daily diet! I hate to think how much i would be dragging my butt if i werent eating like this!!

Lol well .. keep eating like ya are n ya won't have to worry about it ❤

Seriously though - that's pretty cool you are eating that way, bc its really healthy too!

We got our attendant back. This is her first day back since I started what was supposed to be the "respite" thing. She is here 9 to 5. Since noon I've been in bed . . . just resting.

In the nursing home, my bf was falling apart. He was getting a pressure sore on his butt from spending the day in a wheelchair. I tried to talk him into taking naps on the bed and I tried to get staff to help him into bed after lunch. Did no good. He only got out of the wheelchair, if I went there and got him into bed. He was becoming confused also. Plus he was losing weight.

Now, at home, he is doing much better, physically and mentally. But I'm not doing so hot.

Here's what it seems to come down to. I can put him back in the nursing home, so I can take care of myself. Then he'll go downhill, and I'll be heart broken. Or I can keep him at home. Then it seems like I am losing the struggle to get myself together and manage my own affairs properly. What a rotten choice.

Some may think that's a false choice. I tried to believe that also. I'll keep thinking I'm going to find a way to get both of us into the best situation we can be in. Well, today I failed.

My sleep pattern is all crazy. I'm tired. But staying in bed is not the answer.

I feel sick. The attendant leaves in 15 minutes. Then I have to figure out what I'll make for dinner. I have no interest in eating. But I have to feed him.

Maybe this is a punishment on me for deciding to travel far from our family roots. Neither of us has any family where we live. So there's no one but me to be responsible for him. I brought this on myself by going far away.

Rose, I guess I just don’t understand what’s wrong with getting rest, i.e. staying in bed for awhile, when you’re exhausted and the attendant is there to care for your bf. Seems sensible to me, to rest while you can. Soon enough, you’ll have to be up and around again.

And if travelling far from our family roots and not having family around is something to be cruelly punished for, I think a whole lot of us are in trouble!

Getting needed rest is fine. Sometimes, though, I am staying in bed out of depression and a loss of interest in life. I know that is not healthy.

I've been following this thread because I just came back on to PC for a day and wanted to check in on how you were doing. I have been following your story for a long time. I read part of this thread and then had to go out and I thought about you a lot while out. We are probably around the same age give or take a few years. I am divorced and live alone. I am not in a relationship. Frankly I could not do what you are doing. I mean I could do it if I had been married to a guy for 30 years...but someone I met much later in life? No, I couldn't do it.

What would I do? I guess I would bail. It's ruthless. Well, it's a moot point. I don't date and I have no interest. I had one last wild fling with someone much younger (so, a lot of sex) and that was it.

To me you sound severely, severely, severely depressed. I am pretty depressed myself but for different reasons, mostly financial.

You try to control your moods with meds but they only work for a few hours. You are always exhausted.

Also, and you know this, you aren't getting the respect you deserve for what you are doing. Frankly I don't know why you stay. I do know about being far from home. I am kind of in exile. But I have been away too long and would never be able to fit into the socially backward town where I was born. I thought about returning but frankly, I think exile suits me better.

I think you are exhausted, bored (I mean what you are doing is tedious) and frustrated. You are angry, too, I think. Sad. And just insanely depressed. And so so so so so isolated. You don't have family nearby. He doesn't either, it appears. That is such a tough situation. Why has all this fallen on your head? This is just why I am not interested in dating. Even if someone was healthy now...it could turn on a dime. Heart attack. Stroke. Etc. No thanks. I am not interested in being someone's lover for two years then his caretaker for ten. I think this is exactly why Jane Fonda walked out on that nice man she was with when he got Parkinson's. She didn't want that life. She knew herself.


I think you are staying in the situation because you feel it is the right thing to do. Well, you are a better person than I am as I am sure I would have walked away long ago.

What to do? Well, I know depression and it has had a similar affect on me. I sleep. I let things get messy. But I feel much better when I make lists and do things. I mean, like you, I used to be almost OCD about cleaning. Now I let things get messy. When you described your apartment I had to laugh. You could have been describing mine! I have clean laundry in piles not put away. Paperwork strewn about. Dishes piled up in the sink. I mean it isn't like those horrible houses you see on reality TV...but for me it is way, way below my standards.


Just so you know I think this happens to a lot of people our age. A lot of people struggle. Not all. But a lot. I struggle with social isolation. It's a terrible situation. But when I think of you...you are with someone...yet terribly isolated. I mean the guy should be paying you for your time, boyfriend or not. You aren't married. He is getting round-the-clock care from you. You should be getting compensated. It's seems terribly unfair and imbalanced. But I think a lot of people are in your situation. I think maybe people consider divorce...then one gets sick...and the other gets stuck.


Thinking about you has me thinking about myself. I think I am going to start keeping lists and getting things done. And also start doing extra things like exercise, even if just walking. More moving around. Going out. Planning. For the future. My future. My projects. Like language study. Writing. Part-time work. Moving to a more suitable apartment. Just improving my life.


I hope you will see that you need to take care of yourself for your future. You can't allow yourself to be totally used up. You are an intelligent woman, with potential for a much more expansive life than you are now living. This is just a chapter. Or maybe a book, haha, but it will end.

I feel badly this person you are caring for does not show you more respect. But a lot of ill men are like that. My father was awful. My sister (a nurse) and I catered to his every need and my father was just awful. Never appreciative, grateful, or thankful. Just always with an overblown sense of entitlement. I got to move as my then husband found an out-of-state job. My sister stayed and got very bitter and eventually she abandoned my father, which, frankly, he well deserved. And...I might add...he didn't care who he was bossing around...a daughter, a relative, or paid help. He just abused everyone.

I am not saying your guy is abusive...but the situation itself is harsh and abusive.

My heart breaks for you.

And I want to improve my own life. I am pretty depressed myself but I don't like the way I am living. I need to change. I am not taking any medications. I constantly crave something that will change my mood but I don't drink and don't take any medications. So my mood only gets changed by sleep...which, frankly, I adore. I have no problem sleeping. I love it. I take care not to sleep over 8.5 hours. But when I sleep I sleep deeply. It's like medicine for me.

I think I am going to start going to my local recreation center. I love to swim. I love the suana. These things would help my mood, I am sure.

Best of luck. It seems like a lot of people here on Psych Central care about you. You have a certain something. You are special. I have always got that vibe from you. All around you are a better person than me because I couldn't do what you are doing. That guy doesn't know how lucky he is to have you in his life.

I was thinking I should go around and visit a variety of nursing homes to see if there might be one that is not so bad that I could use to get myself a real "respite." They're pretty much all for profit these days, and that makes them pretty much the same. But I should at least go look. I wish there were a nursing home for veterans nearby, but there isn't.

I get short-tempered with him. I say things I shouldn't. He seems pretty content though. Even when I think I'm not doing that great a job, it's still better than the existence he has in those places.

Maybe if I go somewhere today, while the attendant is here. Not just the Wal-Mart's. I could visit a library and sit and catch up on some magazines. I subscribed to two that I haven't even read yet. The issues just sit in a pile untouched.

I should make a schedule - a plan for the day, inside of a bigger plan for the week. A lot of my misery is just the inertia of depression.

In 2016, he stayed in a nursing home for 3 months, so he could get full Medicaid. I went almost every day, usually for a few hours. But I still had time to attend to my own needs. I would come home in the evening a feel relaxed. He was in that place for 100 days. I only missed going on 5 of those days. He adjusted better than I expected. But he was stronger then. And he was sure glad to get out of there. But I think I was happier during those 3 months, even with running back and forth like I did.

But he's weaker now. His dementia gets much worse when he is in a facility. He can't stick up for himself anymore, like he did then. I have all these things to consider.

Whatever you can do for yourself...please do it...however small. I go to the library regularly. I read a lot. Probably too much. I soak in a hot tub and read my one favorite magazine. I consider it mental health care.

But I need to do more.

Most people don't understand severe depression. When you say depression...they think of something mild. But in your case the stress...the prolonged stress...is causing severe depression.

And there is no way to fight inertia but with movement. We have not only a physiological but a psychological need to move. Depression causes a frozen state of being. No one could understand it unless they have experienced it. For me it feels like I am drugged...but I am not. My limbs feel heavy, my actual blood feels like it is running slowly. Sometimes I think I am dying. For a few months now I have had terrible bronchitis. I haven't gone to the doctor. I think it is partially allergy induced bronchial asthma...but I also think...it's a depression illness. Like my whole immune system is compromised.

Dear friend, let's both try to move around more. Do any small self-care thing. I eat really well. I cannot imagine the state I would be in if I didn't.


As for a schedule...I do a reverse schedule. That means I write down all my activities as I go along. That way I can check and see how long I have been online (always too long) how much I sleep...how often I go out etc. I only do a reverse schedule when I am really depressed. It gives me a picture of what is going on...because without some accounting...I would drift and drift...which I already kind of do.


Best of luck. I am happy you are active on PC. People care about you here. Really and truly.


Are you the only one making decisions about this man's care? And is there no way the VA can be more helpful. I don't know why I am saying this. My brother is a veteran...has lived with severe PTSD his whole life and the VA has never done a darn thing for him. Nada. Zip. Nothing.

Well, DD, you really do understand depression. That is what I'm struggling with also. I can't blame everything on my bf and his illness. What you say about moving is absolutely true. Keeping account of how time is spent with a reverse schedule is a way of facing reality. I do have enough time, if I just stop frittering it away.

Thanks, Rose. I have been following your threads for a long time. And during this time my own situation of depression has grown worse. I have tried therapy, medication...and it hasn't done anything so quit both. I have tried calling friends and family but after awhile they mostly don't relate and distance themselves. That is why I say the general public does not understand depression. I call my local Crisis Hotline a lot and they have helped me build coping skills but it isn't enough to manage the passive suicidal ideation.

Finally...I think some of us become so isolated and suicidal it is bleak indeed.

After reading this latest thread I realized we are in the same boat even if our situations are different. You have very little support. You have been doing a huge job...but your needs have not been met.

Same with me. Well, now I feel it's up to me to pull out of this. I don't feel very hopeful but geez, that is how a deep depression feels. It is hell on earth. I think I will feel better if I decided once and for all that no one is going to be that helpful.


What I have also observed is that in exasperation others will start "blaming the victim," and this is the worst. Sometimes we find ourselves in very difficult situations purely due to circumstance. People get ill, people fall into financial difficulties etc. In my long life I have found it to be a fact that people (friends, relatives, even professionals in the helping profession) aren't that helpful. When I "fake it" people think I am improving...but that isn't the case. I am just managing a severe depression. Because I want to avoid people doing a "blaming the victim" thing on me. They have no idea what I am experiencing.

Last summer I volunteered as a gardener at a church. It seems that this is where my breathing difficulties started...because of a lot of pollen, dust etc. By the end of the summer I had to quit because of bronchitis. No one ever called me to see if I was okay.


All I am saying is...if I was not so alone it would not have bothered me but because I am so isolated...a phone call or an email would have been welcome.

I feel a bit bitter, a bit harder but that's okay. I needed a thicker skin.


Rose, we can do this. Even teeny tiny steps towards something better is great. Even a teeny tiny to-do list is okay. Start small. That's what I am going to do. Because that is always how healing happens...in very small increments.

Thanks, DD, for sharing your wisdom. I did therapy for many years, in three different states. I suppose it helped me feel a little less alone, but not really. They were good people, the therapists I saw. I can't say I got any important insights from therapy. I've gotten insights from life. Reading AL-ANON literature helped me a great deal, though it took years to sink in. I just have ended up kind of isolated. When I'm freer to do what I want there are connections I can get back, but then I won't have him. We are very close.

I'm sorry for how alone he must feel at times . . . unable to move by himself . . . and having a hard time finding his words. He'll look at me with a thought in his eyes, but sometimes he can't come up with the words. He never feels sorry for himself. He's brave about a lot of things. I complain a lot. But the warmth between us over the years is the best thing I've ever had in my life.

I'm flodded with tears now, that I can't let him see. I'll miss him so bad when I am alone.

This was very insightful, Rose. Hugs. This happens when we are caring for someone close to us. We don't want them to leave us but at the same time the whole thing is wearing everyone down. It's particularly stressful. And it also sounds like you are having anticipatory grief.

I've been in therapy during stressful times and I can say with fair certainty that it never helped much. It was more like a distraction. A hobby would have helped as much.

I think this post of yours contained the most positive words about your significant other that I have heard from you. I am sorry if I wasn't empathetic to that...your relationship status and the meaning it brings to your life.

I was kind of hearing the opposite. I thought you were in a situation you didn't really want to be in. Now it sounds like you would just like more help.

I wasn't getting this message before. I thought you didn't want to be doing this but you couldn't find a way out. Now it sounds like something different. There is always this danger when trying to explain a situation to outsiders.

It also sounded like you weren't appreciated and the other person kind of abused you emotionally.

So I think I will stop making comments on this thread based on the facts that I don't feel I understand your situation. Perhaps someone else who is care giving their significant other would be more supportive than I could ever be.

I doubt I will ever be in your position. I am in the position of being alone without a significant other, close friends or family. It is difficult to be alone. It is difficult to try to find a meaningful life. But I am going to work to get out of my present situation as it is not supporting me in any way.

Dechan, I hope you find a way out of where you are at and toward something better.

I feel sick, physically and mentally. I was thinking of going to see my "provider." I don't know what the point of that would be.

I've had a headache on and off for a few days. Now I'm up with bad heartburn a d nausea.

For months I've been taking Ritalin 20 mg, one tablet, each day. Now I'm out of it and I can't get more till I see the pdoc. I didn't know he wanted me back, but I guess I should have. I'm wondering if abruptly stopping that could be contributing to how tired I feel.

But I got the bathroom and kitchen cleaned and organized yesterday. Now I'm resting while the attendant is here. Next 3 days we won't have her.

So I'm glad I got some progress made. I have to keep going to catch up. I just don't have the energy. I'm trying to sleep. That seems wrong, but I feel like sleep is another thing I always need to catch up on.

If I make progress straightening up the bedroom this eve, then I won't feel like I wasted the day. I tend to hoard paperwork, creating too much clutter. On YouTube there are videos about how to be organized. I definitely need help with that.

I'm not going to be mad at myself for spending the day in bed. I'm going to make the bed now and move forward.

Mornings are bad. My body is made out of lead. But around this time on the afternoon, I feel a lot better. So now I can move. If I spend the next 6 hours productively, that will be enough to make me not hate myself.

I'll start with the bed.