[need2move4ward]

I've posted a bit, but this is the topper. I haven't been this depressed in a very long time. I lived up north for a year, I was getting help for pain killer addiction and trauma in a rehab, and decided to stay living there afterwards, because the folks knew my situation was bad back home with mom and brother. I have been back for almost 3 months and have been struggling very bad. I have a psychiatric history, but have gotten better throughout the last 1 1/2 years, and when I was up north, I was sane for a while actually. But, when it was time for me to go out on my own, I ran amok. And I was seriously taken advantage of, both my mom and I with money.($2000 for 2 weeks of rent) I received an inheritance, used it to better my life, and am right backat square on--I did something wrong!!! I came home.
The other night, (and I know this wasn't about the taco-thank god I can see this today), but my brother ate my taco--didn't ask. I went to my mom and said, "I wish he was dead, I'm sick of him, hurting peole hurt people" (he is a felon, and has a very bad temper. As I was getting into my car, he yelled from the front door, 'FU", I called the police and told them I was afraid of his temper. I didn't want them to come and disrupt the neigbors, so I went home. So, last night (xmas eve), I got angry at my mom too. She told me I had to leave. My brother lied and said I threatened my mom, (I herd him talking to the cops walking by my room - so i called them and told them he was lying) he has this behavior before. When I was up north-the cops were never called on me. Why does my brother do this? Do I HAVE to love him? I try to. Then he called me a fat "c***(i hate that word!) and I've been heavier, I weigh about 170. Anyway, so I have been crying non stop, my body and heart is rackked with pain emotionally and physically. I wanted to find a place to live. I am alone. I came back here to no friends, it's a sad situation. My self esteem was just building back up, and when this happens with my brother, I fall to pieces, and almost need to go to a psych ward. So tonight, my mom and bro went out for xmas dinner, the cops told us we cannot have any contact. (my bro and I) i don't know what to do, I need to go somewhere SAFE, I do not feel safe near him, but of course my mom and i want us to love each other, I didn't have to deal with ANY of this while living up north, I was around people--but there's nothing up there for me anymore, and school is down here, I can't continue school emotionally unstable. I reached somewhat of understanding with mom, why do I feel so hated guys? What do I need to do? The cops being called was the topper, I did NOT deserve that at all. I am terrified of moving anywhere else, but I live in total fear here w/my brother, I do not feel safe. He is a registered sex offender, not the 'normal' type though, the courts termed it consentual, he served his time, and regrets all of it. I want a life of my own and I'm scared that is never going to happen. I have depression. I really need some help, and thought I would write about what has happened. Now I am at an all time low, and no matter how hard I pray, I don't see my life getting any better and would hate to go on an antidepressant just because of my bro. My mom is angry with me about what I said, but she doesn't seem to be upset about what he said to me. I'm feeling very lonely, and need to push myself to get involved with some kind of suport--I was thinking ACA, CODA, church, anything. I need help, and don't know where to find it. I just want to love and be loved--that's it.
Please, can someone please help me here and give me your input of what you see, how can I stop the abuse??? I am being honest with everything. (see? i am VERY sensitive and my self esteem has been shot!--like I have to prove myself) Also, when I was living elsewhere, and I heard my brother threw a temper with mom, I did NOT call the police, why does he? The only answer I come up with is that he wants to bring me down--and he is succeeding--way down, I do not belong in a psych ward, but I have no support. I have been nonstop crying and have a bad headache--I can't stop crying very well.
Please dear god what is the solution?
Thanks for reading if you did.

[need2move4ward]

Also, I am considering takng the last bit of money i have and going back up north to get some inpatient residential help, that I cannot get here unless in a psych ward.
People see me in public and are so nice, and say i'm a strong woman, I'm scared. So very scared, and so very lonely. I fear people, getting close, and I need to cut off my mom and bro--the only people i have right now.
I think I've said enough.

[altonwoodsdrphil]

hey, it 's me again...LOL , okay, first lets just suspend any need to "blame" anyone for a moment and take a diffrent perspective. lets try to understand what you're supposed to be learning from the situation that your in. It seems as though your life is rather un-manageable, and despite your best efforts things have just gotten worse. hmmm maybe God is wanting you to realise that he's in control and when you come to the end of yourself he'll be waiting, no need to ride this thing to the bottom just give it to him now and you concentrate on just setting yourself up with some "support" in the form of a good church family. don't worry about finding one,don't worry about anything, walk in faith and hope,and love,and watch what happens in your life. you've got very real problems...but he's a very awesome God! (he comes highly reccomended) trust is a hard thing, I know...but is it harder than what your going thru now? I know that you have been reaching out to God, so, right now in the midst of your problems and sadness, let God know that you know who's in control and praise him for his promise to work all things out to your benifit...let it all go and just do what you know you should do. one minute,one hour,one day at a time, be his child and find his peace, and he'll be who he is...your deliverer, counselor, provider, friend, father,Lord and God.

[(JD)]

Have you called Women in Distress? If they can't directly help you with residential lodging, they will surely understand your plight, and have a myriad of resources for you.

I'm sorry you learned a hard lesson. They are often about money, too.

I would hope you wouldn't have to spend the rest of your money just to get away from your relatives! That might have been a mistake as you said, but don't compound it by believing you have to have more treatment in order to live on your own. That sounds like something they told you.

You could also check with the Salvation Army, as they have jobs and training and assistance in finding lodging etc.

You can do this. Put your money in a safe place where it can draw some interest, and try living without the interference of those who just don't understand you.

[kebsfroggy]

Disclaimer.....please note there is no Dr. or Phd associated with this frog of little brain.

First off....learn to accept that you can love (biological response) but not "like" someone. Especially true when dealing with family. From now to forever you will be family but you do not have to like them, associate with them or talk to them (other than being civil). If they disown you it could be the best decision "you" ever made.

Second....you are in that void between what was and what is going to be. Starting back to school is a big step forward and I'm glad you decided to take it. The anxiety of returning to school would be enough to turn me into a basket case. Getting back involved there may help with the friends situation, defuse the family situation and open avenues to changing you living arrangements.

I don't know what you consider up-north or down here. For me Walt Disney World and Orlando are up north. There is a self-help group in my area dealing specifically with depression. You might also check in to clinical trials, research and study groups in your area. IMHO "free" is always a good word.

PC has some good information on the site which might help. You will also find many warm and understanding members here.

Good luck. You can do it just trust in yourself.

[Perna]

Take a good six months where you don't think about your brother or mother and just think about yourself. Use your money to get a good therapist, an apartment for yourself, in school (or wherever you want) and a little part-time job or something so you're busy and don't have time for your brother's drama. Leave those two characters alone for a bit to stew in their own juices and find other fish of your own to fry. Your brother isn't likely to suddenly start being lovey-dovey to you, so give up any goal of his civility until you're sure of yourself and that you're own life is on track.

[EJ711]

Money spent in getting away from relatives, who drive us nuts, is money well spent.

EJ

[Cyran0]

As always, the frog of little brain has the most insightful things to say.

Kebs, you're brilliant. I second everything she said.

Cyran0

[Doh2007]

My tdoc made me promise that I wouldn't move back home with my mother. He's seen too often how that makes people relapse.

But sometimes there's just no choice.

Your idea of ACA or CODA is fantastic. I got some of the most healing in ACA. Having a support group can go a long way in helping you remember that you are a good person, no matter what anyone says.

[need2move4ward]

Thanks so much for all your support. My heart is not good, I see my psychiatrist again tomorrow. My brother now was talking to a "friend" who said "it's her illness" and HE'S NOT sick??? OMG
I am working my butt off to find a roommate, I need to go back to church and find some friends, and keep them and get on with my OWN life AWAY from all of this--it is tearing me up. I don't know what medications would help or it's just the environment?
Celexa is the only thing that remotely helped my depression, but the anxiety is worse--even when I'm not around my mom and bro, and i already take Librium---50mg a day---low dose. Sick to my stomach---trying my hardest to change this situation, I need to rest, emotinally and pysically exhausted, scared my heart is bad, should probably go to a doc I've been praying.

[need2move4ward]

The Suboxone helps my anxiety better than the Librium. I also take 50mg Seroquel, 25mg Librium, and 10mg Propanolol (Inderal-- for all heart) at bed.
Heart still races. Body sore. Very sore.

[altonwoodsdrphil]

your anxiety and fear's are running your life, the biggest fear is probably the one of "letting go" or of trusting...sometimes we convince ourselves that we can always "put all of our chips" on the table if our own effors come up short but we hold back because we fear losing it all. my personal victory came when I realized that I had the winning hand and that I was being bluffed into not knowing that we have access to the "power to live" in victory...now, I try to do whatever I can to share that with other people, its just senseless to live in "the lies"... well, there it is...I've layed down my hand, its your hand too, but you must play it! (unless you like BEING "played")

[need2move4ward]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
altonwoodsdrphil said:
your anxiety and fear's are running your life, the biggest fear is probably the one of "letting go" or of trusting...sometimes we convince ourselves that we can always "put all of our chips" on the table if our own effors come up short but we hold back because we fear losing it all. my personal victory came when I realized that I had the winning hand and that I was being bluffed into not knowing that we have access to the "power to live" in victory...now, I try to do whatever I can to share that with other people, its just senseless to live in "the lies"... well, there it is...I've layed down my hand, its your hand too, but you must play it! (unless you like BEING "played")

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Yes you are right--my fear has taken total control over my life--afraid to go back to work, afraid I will not be financially secure(some profesionals feel my mom instilled HER fears of that one), and fear of people.
I haven't posted in a while. Things changed--took a turn for the worse.
My mother had a heart attack last Saturday morning. I am scared, I have been working my butt off, dealing with that, and looking for a place to live--now I'm afraid to move out!
This cannot go on. My mom and I agreed that it's me who has to go---not my brother--he is a liar, and a thief-I had to get that out. My mom said she could help me with $400 a month. For me to move on for MY LIFE-I have to forgive, forget, and move on.
At this point, for MY own health. I am being told to separate. I have one friend who lives hours from me--that's it. I haven't had time to find a support group, go to church-nothing, but very soon, I am going to go and breakdown and say, "I need help, I am scared, and I need support"

Does this sound stupid?

I feel this is all my fault-but the edocs said this was not an acute heartattack for my mom. I am truly scared. But at times, i feel i can do it. Since my mom's heatrattack, I still have NOT quit smoking. Right now I truly feel that my life is headed downhill. I am exhausted, but wanted to post, because my doctor wants to start me on Remeron for the anxiety and said I need to get off the Librium--ya know I can't go to a rehab to get off Librium--I tried and almost died, and Librium is what is helping my anxiety--the cigs will kill me before the Librium does.
So, I am a little unsure about this Remeron--weight gain, bad for the heart.
Thanks for being here all--I am so concerned, I just told God to take EVERYTHING, I am terrified about moving out because I have no one-that is so sad. I'm a nice girl, but just rely on my family way too much and it's not supportive--so i feel stupid that i would even want to be around them. I go to a new therapist Monday. A few people I met up north tried to get me to move back there, but because school is here I stayed, now i have digressed. At this point, if I cannot finish school, I will move and get a job. I think it's best if I leave my mom and sick brother alone--he hates me so very much. He always puts me down. He did apologize, and hugged me when I visited my mom and brought her home--he didn't go see her.
Am I being "Played"? How, by no support?--obviously my mom with her heartattack recently has to take care of herself.
The only things I have to pack if I go to a furnished room is my computer, bedding and clothes, I packed the iomportant stuff. If I go to an unfurnished room, I have to take my bed, refrig, and tv.
I've been doing A LOT of work trying to find a place to live, now I am afraid to shell out the little money Ido have left.
The question: Which is more important?
My sanity----or money??
Please advise---anyone.
thank you hugs, I need one now.

[Susan27]

(((((((((((( need2move4ward )))))))))))))))
i can totally relate to a lot of your fears. I'd pick sanity though. what is the first step you can take, that you feel you can mange, to start doing some of the things you mentioned that you need to do. do you feel like you can even live on your own? is staying at home not an option anymore? separation like you mentioned is terrorfying to me. i just wouldn't like living by myself. well, terrorfied of it is more accurate. could you stay there a bit longer and work on the job part first...that sounds like the first step towards making yourself feel more self sufficient. just wondering...
susan

[need2move4ward]

Thanks Susan,
The first step i can take is to find a room--I have been doing that for 2 weeks, and narrowed it down to 2 places--both with assets and drawbacks. One has laundry inside-the other laundry at the laundrymat. One has internet hookup, the other no internet hook up. One, I share a bathroom with 2 girls, the other, 1. One, in a gated community, brand spanking new and beautiful, the other, an older house, but near school.
I've lived on my own before, no problem, but I got lonely living by myself-did not like it, so that's why i'm looking at renting a room inside with others.
My mom said i can stay at her house and pay her rent, but my docs and therapist are saying i need to be on my own. My broither called the cops on Xamas eve just to spite me--he has done it before. There is a lot of anger her and very little respect--I didn't have that problem anywhere else i lived---away from them. It just doesn't seem to work at ym mom's.
I've gotten mentally healthier. I just feel at 37, and to be able to finish school, I need to be away from them, I don't want to blame, I just thinkit's time in real life to seek out support groups, church, whatever i need to do--I'm just waiting for school to start--can't wait. I am on disability, and have money left from my grandmother's inheritance to pay the bills. I will get a part time job too. One step at a time.

I've done a lot of work to find a place, and it amazes me at some of the people i have met! They of course care about the money only---that's life!

[need2move4ward]

Now I feel like I'm coming across as a butthead here on PC.
I think I found a place--the decision alone is tearing me up--making me anxious. I told 2 people yes to renting a room, now I have to say no to 1.
My mom already said, "you need to call when you're coming over to do laundry"--NO! damnit--I'll do laundry elsewhere for a few buscks---does anyone see what's happening here??????Or am i really stupid?
When I move, it means I'm moving, leaving for a while.
I think Perna said that a good 6 month seperation--like I did for a year in SF, CA will do some wonders.
--No going to mom's for computer use
--No going to mom's to see the dog
--No excuses period to go to mom's for anything.
I wish I was still with fiance #1 at 21 again.
There is nothing happy or joyous or free near my mom and berother--it;s all anger and strife. and tension and guilt I hate it.

Is it time for this butterfly to soar???

[GoodMama]

(((((((((((((NEED TO ... and IS moving ... FORWARD))))))))) ... you are stronger than you think and braver by far, but most of all, you're smarter!

<font color="#000088">I just told God to take EVERYTHING </font>

Great move! When we've done all we can for ourselves and when we're at our wit's end about what to do next, giving it to God is the PERFECT answer. Thing is, though, YOU have to let go for HIM to take it.

Don't be afraid to do it ... you're not alone! God is always with you, but you have friends here who will support and help you, too. Just reading what people posted to you made me feel stronger, so I'm positive it did for you, too, right?

Sanity or money? SANITY gets my vote! Money is something you can always get more of ... whether it's making money in a professional position or collecting aluminum cans or selling something on eBay. Besides, if you don't have money will you starve or be homeless? Nope! Not as long as you have your sanity!

Take care and hang in there! It's the Unknown that can be scary but we'll all be here for you ... just as God will be.

GoodMama