[jaklevco]

Last four months have been certainly the worst time of my life. I feel like I lost everything I care about.
My studies go relatively wrong way, despite putting enormous effort into it. I can still continue, but it's not very good.

Certain health conditions occured and they prevent me from following my passions/hobbies.

During the summer, I have been on two vacations and I haven't had any mental rest.

And my relationships are absolutely awful. People I cared about betrayed or turned their back to me recently.
Speaking of the three people who I have some kind of friendship with, it probably has no future because we all require face to face communication which is impossible to arrange more than twice a year.
My parents are not able to listen and understand to my problems without doubting my feelings and cannot support me.
When it comes to love, my relationships end the same second they begin as the other person breaks my heart in the very beginning.

I feel exhausted, but mainly lost and alone. Even when I solve one issue, it leads to more problems.
I know I have my strengths and that I deserve to have the things I hope for in my life, but my efforts lead to nothing good. I assume that I am a friendly person who can and who actually does bring important things into relationships and still, I am alone...

[TheGal]

(((jaklevco)))

It's so difficult what you're going through.

It's like you're out there doing your best and there are never-ending setbacks. This is demoralizing and can lead to depression.

I'm so sorry for you, jaklevko, and hope things gets better...

[jaklevco]

Originally Posted by TheGal

(((jaklevco)))

It's so difficult what you're going through.

It's like you're out there doing your best and there are never-ending setbacks. This is demoralizing and can lead to depression.

I'm so sorry for you, jaklevko, and hope things gets better...

Thanks for understanding, you know... I asssume I am a normal person with his strengths and also weaker sides. I don't think there is anything wrong with me that would make me unworthy of these things. Or is that the truth?

In my opinion, I shouldn't believe that things will change on their own. But if my effort doesn't bring anything positive, then I feel absolutely lost and I don't know what to do, what to believe and what to hope for

[TheGal]

((((jaklevco))))

There is nothing unworthy in you, you deserve good things and to have your efforts pay off. How long has this rough patch been going on?

May I also suggest that instead of making additional efforts that you do the opposite? Take a step back from things, unburden yourself from as much responsibility as you can for a bit. Think of it as though you have the flu and need time to recuperate.

You need rest... you also need to get in touch with your sad emotions and have a good cry.... sometimes when we're so depressed we can't cry, but crying is a way of letting out some of the pressure that's built up inside of us and it has a soothing effect.

What do you think?

[jaklevco]

Originally Posted by TheGal

((((jaklevco))))

There is nothing unworthy in you, you deserve good things and to have your efforts pay off. How long has this rough patch been going on?

May I also suggest that instead of making additional efforts that you do the opposite? Take a step back from things, unburden yourself from as much responsibility as you can for a bit. Think of it as though you have the flu and need time to recuperate.

You need rest... you also need to get in touch with your sad emotions and have a good cry.... sometimes when we're so depressed we can't cry, but crying is a way of letting out some of the pressure that's built up inside of us and it has a soothing effect.

What do you think?

Last four months have been extremely rough and these things were amplified. But when I thought of it, it has been here for several years. Of course, during last months, everything I care about fell apart, but when speaking about the effort, it has been here much longer.

I totally see your point. To be honest, I tried doing nothing, but I must say I don't think it worked. Not at all. It is not always like I try hard, I don't think I push too much when trying. Sometimes I try less and a few times I do nothing. And none of these approaches payed off. Besides, I don't really believe that things I want in life will come on their own.

Truth to be told, I don't think I can cry. Actually, when I am with my emotions alone, I'd like to cry, but somehow, I cannot shed the tear.

I know it looks like I just deny what you say. I appreciate that one person wrote to me. But well, this is the way how I feel it. I don't want to say your ideas are useless, I appreciate the support.

[TheGal]

Question: Are you doing what you love?

[jaklevco]

Originally Posted by TheGal

Question: Are you doing what you love?

Did I understand correctly that you are asking about my passions?

If yes, unfortunatelly, I must say that I can't. I have the problems I wrote about and when it comes to my passions, there are also severe complications.
There are probably two things I love. One is more abstract, but I have no loved ones, so I cannot do that.
The other one is rather specific, I love to do that, it is a great part of my life. However, recently, health conditions are making it impossible to do...
These are some of the things that got messed up in last four months.

I tried to find some other activity which I'd love, but nothing caught my attention

[TheGal]

Sorry to hear about your the state of your health which prevents you from engaging with your second passion. What is that passion, btw? And what health issue(s) are preventing you at this time?


As for the abstract passion, you say you have no loved ones so you cannot do it... did I read that correctly?

[jaklevco]

Originally Posted by TheGal

Sorry to hear about your the state of your health which prevents you from engaging with your second passion. What is that passion, btw? And what health issue(s) are preventing you at this time?


As for the abstract passion, you say you have no loved ones so you cannot do it... did I read that correctly?

With the abstract one, you understood correctly. People I care about are fundamental part of it, but recently, there is no one close to me.

And the other one is playing music. By playing I mean actively, having an instrument in my hand, not some computer alternatives, that's not for me as it is something completely different. I have a problem with my hand (still not sure about the diagnosis) which got very serious recently and I should/must not play. I can play more than one instrument, but I strongly prefer guitar and changing an instrument wouldn't help (I couldn't play my favorite music and the problem with my hand would have the same effect).

[TheGal]

Oh no, jaklevco... so sorry you can't play guitar right now. Any idea of when your hand will be healed enough to be able to play again?

A friend of mine, a bassist, broke his arm and cannot play right now and he's miserable.

I was oddly, since you cannot cry, going to suggest you get in touch with music Bach, a Beethoven symphony (or even heavy metal!) to provide some peace to you during this very difficult time...


Also, I don't know whether you're near a museum, but going to see fine arts can help lift our spirits.

As for the abstract passion which requires love from other people, I cannot really comment, except to say work on yourself and practice good self-care and have patience.

Hope your luck will change for the better and that you will get back on track.

[jaklevco]

Originally Posted by TheGal

Oh no, jaklevco... so sorry you can't play guitar right now. Any idea of when your hand will be healed enough to be able to play again?

A friend of mine, a bassist, broke his arm and cannot play right now and he's miserable.

I was oddly, since you cannot cry, going to suggest you get in touch with music Bach, a Beethoven symphony (or even heavy metal!) to provide some peace to you during this very difficult time...


Also, I don't know whether you're near a museum, but going to see fine arts can help lift our spirits.

As for the abstract passion which requires love from other people, I cannot really comment, except to say work on yourself and practice good self-care and have patience.

Hope your luck will change for the better and that you will get back on track.

About the museums. Well, I travel/commute quite a lot because I study abroad and every weekend I come home. I hate the city which is close to my home, I don't feel at ease there. On the other hand, I love the city where I study, but I don't think there are many places conecrning visual art.

I have no idea about my hand recovery, I am still not sure about the diagnosis, but it got really serious in last few days.

When I was learning and playing piano, I played Bach or Beethoven. But you are right with heavy metal. Right now, I'm having a Five Finger Death Punch marathon when I'm home. On Saturday and today, I attended Metallica in movie theatres. Today's concert was one of their best ever. They are the band which got me into playing music. I actually have a James Hetfield signature guitar and Kirk Hammett signature wah-wah pedal. Today, I was singing aloud in the cinema whole 2,5 hours. But the longing to grab my guitar...
Unfortunatelly, I must say that although music is much more than a hobby for me, I know it will never be the part of my life I'd like it to be. Also, there are problems in my band, so even if I will be able to play, I don't know what it will be like...

I take care of myself, I have some lifelong health problems so I need to eat accordingly. I am depressed that doing my best was never enough to achieve anything.

[TheGal]

Oufff ... your passion is clearly music... I'm impressed by your heavy metal involvement...and Metallica knowledge. (As an aside, what do you think of Megadeth?)


Do you like what you are studying, at least, even if not loving it?

I'm so sorry about your hand and hope for a good outcome.

You're in a tough position right now... any ideas for solutions?

[jaklevco]

Originally Posted by TheGal

Oufff ... your passion is clearly music... I'm impressed by your heavy metal involvement...and Metallica knowledge. (As an aside, what do you think of Megadeth?)


Do you like what you are studying, at least, even if not loving it?

I'm so sorry about your hand and hope for a good outcome.

You're in a tough position right now... any ideas for solutions?

You are right. Music is my passion, an irreplacable part of my life. Unfortunatelly, when I thought of writing music as an alternative (because I've tried it in the past), I found out that the old school way is mine. I need to have an instrument in my hand to come up with something (and also huge motivation which I haven't had for two years and even then, it ended up really bad). As for Megadeth, I sometimes listen to them, but I'm not really their fan.

I really like what I study. Well, I like what I study, I hate how I have to study that because I have the feeling that my knowledge and skills don't matter, only my mistakes do (that's not only my opinion). There hasn't been any result which would reflect my effort and what I've learned so far.

To be honest, I don't have any ideas for solutions now. Actually, that's why I'm writing here (and also because I have no one who would help/support me). As I've already mentioned, my various efforts have never led to anything good.

[TheGal]

Only your mistakes matter? It sounds like you are studying something difficult and technical.

Do you know anything about Buddhism? Whereby one gives up hope to end suffering?

What causes you to make mistakes, btw?

[TheGal]

I'm going to try to upload a document about Critical Thinking for Better Health (including mental) that was distributed at my Alma mater several years ago.

I don't know whether you'll find it relevant and helpful, but it's worth looking at perhaps?

[jaklevco]

Originally Posted by TheGal

I'm going to try to upload a document about Critical Thinking for Better Health (including mental) that was distributed at my Alma mater several years ago.

I don't know whether you'll find it relevant and helpful, but it's worth looking at perhaps?

I study in sphere of IT. And mistakes come naturally when studying, but the system which is used is set in a way that concerning certain subjects we cannot make a single mistake to pass (I've already had such exams). Therefore it feels that what we know is not so important.

I don't give up. That's one of my personality traits that should be positive, but it led me only to suffering.

You were lucky to have something like this. In my university, no one cares about our well being, especially our faculty is not doing anything for that, not even traditional events which should be on universities.
I am in close contact with critical thinking as significant part of my high school payed attention to that.

Still, I assume my studies are not such a severe problem for me. Other things I wrote about are bothering me more. Love, family, friends, health, passions...

[TheGal]

I won't be able to write more, till later today, but I was just listening to Genesis "Mama" and thought about you... could you play some percussion while your hand heals?

Also, perhaps invite someone out to have a cup of coffee with you? Or hang around a coffee shop and start a conversation with someone...

Not sure about your financial situation, but could you pay for a professional therapeutic massage? It might help fill the void.

[jaklevco]

It's alright if you write once per day. After all, based on the time when you wrote your previous comments, either we live in completely different time zones or you're very active during the night. It's 20:56 here right now. Apart from that, I have been wrting also on other forums and you're the only person who responded, so still, it's probably more than I can expect.

Unfortunately, the problem is located in my forearm, so I don't think I can play any instrument right now.

I have no one I could invite to have coffee with me. As I've written, I'm alone. I have one friend who I can meet like twice per year (it simply can't be arranged more frequently) and he doesn't like to chat on the internet. And there is one more person. However, there are complications too. She lives close to the city where I study (for a few weeks, I have nowhere to stay there), her communication via chat is not regular (but that clearly doesn't have anything to do with me). Also, she is quite a busy person. And lastly, few months ago, she broke my heart (although it really looked like we could be happy if we were more than friends). I know she was sorry to do so and didn't want to hurt me, I wasn't angry at her, but still. I felt completely broken and couldn't even grieve because I had exams. I hope I got through it, but you can imagine that she remaining as a friend can't be a relief. I also found out that she had been messing around with me a bit before she broke my heart. I really didn't deserve that.

Apart from that, I'm in my small home town right now (here, there are basically no opportunities) and as I said, I hate the big city that is close to my place. Also, when I return to the city where I study, I will be very busy with the place where I live. That also tells something about my financial situation. I have enough money for now, but I'm spending 2/3 of my money for the housing renovations and furnishing (if not more). Apart from basic needs, I will be able to afford attending some of the ice hockey matches in that town. Otherwise, I can't really tell much because some things will change financially and I can't know it exactly until it comes.

[TheGal]

Sorry for what you're going through.

I have a few more ideas, but am not feeling well today... so I'll write another time.

Take good care...

[jaklevco]

Thanks. I will be glad if you share the ideas.
But first take care of yourself

[TheGal]

Thank you.

I will just post this link to an interesting article. If you do have existential depression, at least according to this article, then "touch" can help. That's why I suggested the massage.

Anyhow, here is the article:

Existential Depression in Gifted Children - Sofo Archon

[jaklevco]

You will reply when you have time.

I read the article, there are certain interresting thoughts. I'm not really sure if I face existential depression, but what I know that I am also physically alone/lonely. This is something I struggle with because I know that sometimes I want or need a hug, but there is no one who I could go to. You are right that touch is beneficial.

As I've already mentioned, I don't know if I will be able to afford massages (not speaking about the question if I will have any time). I assume that I will find solution to lack of physical contact after I solve other issues (or after solving those, this will naturally get better). That is another reason why those things I wrote in my first message and in my yesterday's comment bother me much, much more.

One more thought I remembered. Lately, I have been facing situations when I was around people and it felt as if it was a shame that I have never been in a relationship. I know that's not completely true, but when people around you behave in such a way, trust me, you don't feel good. My only "relationship" couldn't have been called a relationship because it was very strange and we were like close friends what, in the end, probably wasn't true either. I don't know what happened and I can't find out, but based on her behaviour, I ended up really bad. I don't compare myself to others and this is definitely not one of the reason why I hate my romantic relationship conditions, but I see that all the people who were around me or were my friends, don't even have to try to have a fulfilling relationship.

[TheGal]

((((jaklevco))))


Loneliness is so hard to live with. I feel for you. It's not easy, at all ... it's soul crushing...

Have you thought of joining us, here, on MSF on chat? Essentially there is the main coffeehouse room for general chat, or if you want to talk about your depression or problems you can ask members to join you in the ES (Emotional Support) room.

Granted, it's not the same as having a girlfriend and a loving family in your life, but I find it can be helpful.


I will write more tomorrow, but also wanted to share this:


Have you heard of meetup.com?


Basically you can attend a meetup that someone has organized or you can organize one yourself. There are various events where you can participate with other people and not be alone.


Bratislava:
Find Events & Groups | Meetup

Košice:
Find Events & Groups | Meetup

[jaklevco]

In my case it's not only the loneliness what bothers me. In the end, I've probably been alone my whole life. There was no one really close to me. Also, when I had some "friends" they started acting unpleasantly towards me and then stopped to communicate. Moreover I had no option to talk about it with them, so even today, I can't find out what happened. Just to be clear, this happened more times with many people. Recently, with people I care about. I feel used and betrayed.

I haven't thought much about joining a chat here, I'm still kind of new here and besides, I tried to focus on solutions outside of online space more.

Since you mentioned my familly, I must say they are loving, but they can't support me. They tell me that I should focus just on my studies so sometimes, it feels that my problems are unimportant.

I've heard of meetup, but not really about the events there. Unfortunately, I must say that the events I found (I looked for Brno, as I study there and I hate Bratislava) were not for me as two of them are arranged for a specific group of people and one presentation.
As I searched for groups, I must say that in Brno, there are only groups concerning the topic of my studies. Every group has a different focus. However, these groups are not for someone who is still studying, but for people with experience. I wouldn't be able to bring much into discussion.

[AzulOscuro]

Folk, do you think practising Mindfulness may help you? One of the benefits is lessen any attachment: Things, people, expectations…
If you are interested, I could provide you kind of guide to practice it. It helps a lot with resilience.
I mention it because it’s making a difference for me and the way I take in and face to any event or failure.