[somebodysomeday]

i knew i was poisonous...i knew it...i knew it all along...

i may as well be the child of the devil...

i am lonely, i am sad...
i am hurt, i am bad...

i hate myself and who i am..

i wish i was someone else....

[katheryn]

im so sorry you feel lie this, please feel free to rant to us at pc nobody will judge you here

[somebodysomeday]

i hurt everyone i touch...

cannot go near anyone...

im scared im going to hurt my friends...

im terrified im going to poison them..

im petrified im going to hurt another one...

each and every one of them..

they may as well line up and take their turns...

i don't want to be ME...

i want to be someone else..

i want to be someone else..

i want to be someone else..

[nowheretorun]

(((somebody)))) dont give up hope.. there is something loveable in almost all of us.. something tells me you are not in the 'outside' group.. what do i mean by that?

huh? its hard to love some who've committed horrible acts against all of humanity... you havent tho have you? even if you had... it seems you want change and growth.... the loving people here will try to help...

[stefano]

Come on, you can't be THAT nasty.
I'm telling you: when people get near to you you are scared that they may disappoint you, or let you down latrer, so you test them by inflicting frustration, you want to challege them to make sure they really care for you. This may seem twisted but happens. I have a friend that behaves like that becasue of her depression. I can't be turned down simply becasue I know how it works and why seh is so obnoxious. I just can't be bothered
So just search for people who KNOW and understand what depression is, you will find that they are immune to your poison.

Good luck!

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((( somebody )))))))))))

((somebodysomeday )))
you are someone.......your you
you matter

your not a poison

[somebodysomeday]

i feel like poison....
another friendship i have destroyed to add to my list...
he said...'we are no longer friends' 'i will not be involved with you' 'do not involve yourself with me'
I cannot stop crying for he was a dear friend who i gave so much of my love and care to...
I would have done anything for this friend.....i always asked him how we was going...i spent time with him talking and laughing and having fun...i lent him money when he came back from overseas so he could get back on his feet...when i had none for myself..but did so without saying a word because i cared.....i was there for him and he new this...we did things to help each other out...we let each other vent...we had fun drinking at my place with my housemates and friends and then fell asleep in my bed happy...he made me laugh...i know i made him laugh...
i leant on him because i thought he cared about me...maybe i leant too hard...and took too much....but i would have done the same...if the time had come...i would have moved mountains for him...held him up if he had nothing left....
I try to stop the tears because i cannot change someone's mind...but they just keep flowing....for the last 8 hours....
i ask myself if it is because i am unwell or that i am poisonous??? I do not know anymore...
and then i think why would someone stop being my friend because im unwell...im struggling with depression...im getting better...but i need my friends...
things were looking up for me...i was back at work and i was trying so hard and i thought i was doing so well...my mind felt clear and i was enjoying being there....
I had my rough days....they were hard...and i confided in this friend...who did not want to here my struggles...it is all my fault because i thought i could talk to him as my friend....
perhaps i cannot read people anymore...and foolishly believe i am liked whnen in fact i am not...this has always been my fear...looking like a fool...and now it has come true...
last night i gave this friend a lil easter gift...and i new i should have picked something up that things were wrong then because i wasn't thanked, acknowledged or spoken to...not that i did it to be thanked...i did it because i was shopping and i was thinking of all the people i love and care about...and this guy came into my mind as someone special...
i just needed to vent this because i don't have anyone to talk to.....friends are dropping off like flies who i can confide in....my best friends are out and i don't want to disturb them while they are having fun...
i don't know what to do....
i don't know what to think...
i don't want to be me...
because i destroy everything,,,,

i wish that my friendship with W could ne saved

((((((((somebodysomeday ))))))))))))
I hope things get better

[nowheretorun]

hi somebody ..

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
i don't know what to do....
i don't know what to think...
i don't want to be me...
because i destroy everything,,,,

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

no, it only seems that way somebody... sometimes the old has to break down for the new to grow....

hope you hang in there.... we all matter

[Pseudonym]

Oxygen is poisonous, but we'd all miss it if it were gone.

I have just a few friends I can confide in, and I regularly hold it in, for fear of being the whiny, self-pitying looney of the bunch. My trick, if it can be called that, is to write people emails or letters without sending them. It's corny, but if you know the person you can often envision their replies anyway, and it's a good way to verbalize your own feelings. Feel free to post them here, or PM me if you have to send it to someone and you feel the contents might damage a treasured friendship.

Good luck, ss. Thinking of you.

[Christina86]

((((((((((((((somebodysomeday)))))))))))))))))

[somebodysomeday]

Today has been a really good day because since im actually recovering from my depression i can actually think clearly for a change...
i was hurt by the nastiness of the texts i was sent...and the harsh way i was dumped by a friend...but in terms of the friendship...i guess friendships come and go...and i did like the friendship I had with this friend..so will remember that, and not dwell on one day of pain..(at least in my mind it wasn't a long deterioration of a friendship, but a clean sharp cut...completely severed from each other within a few hours)...(I think now..it may have been on his mind for a while...but who knows...)..
i guess i feel that my depression was never really understood, because if it was i don't think anyone would just throw me away so quickly and be so unkind..or maybe it's just that i don't think i deserve it..
it hurt really badly when my depression was minimized and described as rubbish and %#@&amp;#!...but in a way...you only realise how debilitating and painful depression really is...when you experience it first hand....
it is a shame..i still feel that it is...i don't like confrontation or to know i have hurt someone..or that my personality or my illness has lead to something good ending so badly..
anyway....i have spent the last day and nite with my goood friends...and know who my very good friends are...and have felt cared for and loved...
i'll never be nasty back..as that is not my form...and i couldn't do that anyway...as im very kind hearted..and it would hurt me more so than this... i don't know if i believe in karma...i hope it doesnt get him..coz that's not what i want...at all...
i really do wish him the best..and hope that life is all it's cracked up to be,,,.

i can only hazzard a guess to what went on between u both as i have been in a similar position
ive been depressed for many many yrs and the severity has fluctuated within that depression
im aware that at times its hard to really hear what ppl say to you and to see how they feel and how they are ultimately affected by ourselves being unwell
its important to be able to acknowledge this
that even thou depression makes us selfish we still need to as much as possible stop thinking that their motives are to hurt and destroy you/us
there is alot more behind ppls actions that are as severe as these ones
and yes u may need to say good bye to this friend forever
and you may dwell on the whole situation
and you asked whether they had been planning it and yeah u may have missed cues as to something being wrong in this
just as in a similiar situation i had where lines where blurred as to what was appropriate to discuss with certain ppl and what the friendship was all about
once again when in such a depressive state its gonna be hard to see past ur nose to realize whats going on with the world around you
and i dont say this to be mean and nasty i say this as honestly as i can relaying how at times its been for me in my life and from what i know about depression
the biggest thing that i learnt from everything i went thru and am going thru is that although depression is selfish and generally bad selfish there is a good selfish part to each person in standing up and helping themselves
i was blessed in an unfortunate way i guess in that i had no friends initially to lean upon or find support in i was completely alone seeking support from doctors and other clinicians but that was good bcos the strength that i have from that meant i wasnt needing to rely on friends heavily and was able to maintain friendships as it wasnt all about my depression as it wasnt until many yrs after meeting them and im talking about like 6yrs for one of my closest bestest friends b4 she knew the truth.
im not saying this is u once again drawing on my own experience to try n help u out.
good luck with ur healing process
dont give up

[Dancer_in_the_light]

*hugs*

Just the fact that you are so concerned about hurting others shows that you aren't poisonous. If you were, you wouldn't care, so hold on to that. Depression is a very difficult thing to understand from the outside, especially in a society that obsesses over "being happy." People don't get why we can't just snap ourselves out of it. It's not your fault. It just happens.

[somebodysomeday]

thanks everyone for their posts...
i am healing...i think...
my depression..overall is resolving..but recently i went backwards a few steps...straight back into thinking i was poisonous..which is a pretty good sign that im heading back into depression and becoming very unwell..i started withdrawing thinking everyone was ganging up against me...BUT
i saw this as signs...and i could acutally acknowledge that i was getting more unwell...so i forced myself to take responsibility for my life and went to the dr...instead of wallowing in bed being paranoid and miserable..
as small as that is...pathetic or not..it's a big step for me..
and now i feel medicated up to the brim..but for the first time in my life im not paranoid..i don't think all my friends are talking about me...im feeling less depressed...
unfortunately i went downhill once more...before this...which probably pushed my friendship with that friend over the edge..
and look...i know it's my fault...i know it's my depression crossed with who i am as a person....friendships in my life have failed many times previously...and it's usually because i have dependence issues...im scared of being alone...and i like to be cared for...
friendships have worked wonderfully also...and i have two best friends that i love so much...but they are aware of my issues and we have gone past a level in our friendship where i no longer fear them leaving me...and i trust them...
and thanks for telling me your experiences...because each little bit of info is an insight..
one good point that i have really taken out is not to think that this situation was done to deliberately hurt me..because that is absurd....
i need to think that...obviously this person could no longer handle me as a friend and my depression because of their own issues or just their personality...and i don't mean that in a bad way...
we all have personalities that can cope with things and that can't...
and for the first time in my entire life i am taking small selfish steps in doing things just for me...and it is something i have never done before..and it feels so foreign...i have never been selfish..and i've realized that its not a bad thing to do every now and then..
and don't get me wrong im not going to become a selfish *****..but im going to do stuff to get me better...
but my loving and giving side will never go away either..that is who i am..and i don't want to change my love for my friends...
anyway...i guess this is just a life experience..
i would do anything to repair things..but that is my personality..thats me trying to please...but they are unrepairable..i just hope that life can go on and things can be civil..so as i can get on with my career and so can they...
everyones posts have really helped me...and even just venting here has helped me not selfishly talk and talk about my problems to my friends..
so thanks...i appreciate it...

[somebodysomeday]

p.s when i said im taking little selfish steps for myself...please note...im not disregarding the selfish nature of depression..and i know i have been selfish in that way...and it's an unfortunate part of being depressed...one that i can work on too i guess....but this is different..this is me doing something for myself..instead of always for someone else and telling myself i deserve nothing...

[RozG]

((((((somebody))))))

[Pseudonym]

I'm so glad you're feeling better. One more thing occurs to me: our friends do love us. We can't really hold them accountable for the way they don't understand us. They can tell what you're going through a lot of the time, but don't get how to approach it. You did the right thing by not being vindictive or mean, and since you believe in karma, you should recognize that by doing the right thing you're receiving the rewards in the form of personal acceptance.

That was a bit rambly, but everyone here is used to it by now. Good luck, ss. *hugs*

[somebodysomeday]

i keep trying and trying..but i just can't help that this happened to me...i can say a thousand times that it's not fair...but what's the point...when i really sit down and think about it...i..me...the person i am...made a friend hate me...and that makes me feel pretty worthless and horrible inside..what was it about me...why was i not worth it anymore..didn't they know i didn't mean to be such a loser..that i didn't mean to be over the top...i think ill just sit here and cry...i don't know why i have become such a horrible person..i used to be such a fun girl to be around..i used to be a good friend..people used to like me...now im a loner..a loser...i don't venture out of the house...im lucky that two of my housemates are my best friends..and my best friend comes to visit me..im scared to form new friends...coz i don't want this to happen all over again...i hate myself..i know this post is different from the rest and more depressive...but i tried and tried and it was so hard to keep going so positive and the truth is...i ruined the friendship coz im a worthless person who deosnt deserve anyone to love me...i take take take from friends and don't know when to stop..i've done it before and am just lucky they werent mean to me or dumped me completely...tho i probably deserved it..i hate myself so much..i hate who i have become...god i long to be the girl i once was...where is she?????????? why can't i change..why am i still so depressed when im doing everything they say to get better...why do i destroy everything that means something to me..who is next...am i going to be completely alone oneday...and is that when life's actually over...what if i get to a point in life where even if i did knock myself off no one would even realise....why why why...?????? why have i ended up like this?? i don't want to be me...anymore....i want to be someone else....

[nowheretorun]

(((somebody)))))

you are really hurting its clear to see... you are self-examining and yes, that is a very painful process when we've done or been involved in activities we cant currently feel proud of or understand why we did it...

the thing is.... we are all growing if we try... we have to start where we are at... at times, we are not in a good feeling place... thats not ok, but, its what we have to accept n order to go onwards..

you have a goal, you have an idea of what you'd like it to be like.. it may seem 'way out there' now and unattainable... i think that is a mis-conception we make...

sometimes i think we do surround ourselves with the mirror of past wrongs and that reflection can hurt very deeply..

for me, self-forgiveness was/is as important as other forgiveness..

it will open a doorway for healing... it doesnt happen like the snap of fingers we'd like... there is a process.. a very painful mental and emotional process..

friends and professionals helps us get there.. it takes time...

can you begin with acceptance tho? not saying you must feel that all you've done was perfect and right, but accept the human part of yourself too... allow yourself mistakes in the learning process... there are no such thing as mistakes as long as we've learned from them

[Pseudonym]

I'm sorry, ss. It's a bit of a process, yeah? One step forward, one step back. Bt you have to believe that the process itself is important. There's a time for reflection, as awful as it seems at the time. Many people don't do that, and as a result don't grow. It's possible your friends don't take the time to reflect on themselves or their relationship with you.

You have to believe me when I say that there's nothing intrinsically unfriendly about you. If you've changed, for better or worse, then you can't expect to be in step with people who aren't. Our whole lives really just boil down to a search for companionship that's compatible with the person we are. If we change, so must the companions.

I'm not telling you to ditch your friends, or accept ditching from them. What I'm saying is that your relationship with you is more important than any external relationship. Get right with *you* first, accept yourself as the lovely person you are, and then figure out what to do with the friends who won't.

In case this seems incongruous or not particularly useful, I've had the same exact thoughts as you describe, particularly at the end of a day, when there's nothing left TO do but self-examine. I hated who I was, and even who I used to be. I didn't have a lot of reason to believe who I'd become would be any better. It took a long time (and is STILL taking a long time ), but you know, my friends like the comfortable, self-accepting version of me a lot better (when he makes an appearance), even the same friends I used to have.

If it gets too hard, come on PC and write a post. An outside, even disassociated perspective from strangers can often have a lot of value. For example, if I were feeling like I'm dominating a particular conversation, it might be plainly obvious to others that that wasn't the case, and my own mind is tricking me. In which case, what's the use in worrying about it.

I can't speak for everyone, but I think it's safe to say you're in our thoughts.

*hug*

[somebodysomeday]

Thanks so much...i guess it just sucks to have depression...and it sucks even more to lose friends becuase of who you become when you're suffering really badly with this horrible illness. I know i am at my worst..in terms of being over the top and miserable and most probably a burden on my friends when my depression is peaking at a very very low point...I cling onto my friends because all i want is to feel loved...and i forget that they already do love me for who i am...i get to a point where i just can't believe that any friend would want to accosicate with me...let alone love me....and i ask for their reassurance over and over again until they are at a loss as to how to prove it to me....and frustrated that i just don't believe them...when it's probably offending them at the same time..one friend once said to me...do you want me to tattoo...IM YOUR FRIEND AND I LOVE YOU..on my forehead...and it made me realise how irrational it all really is..but at the time..i just don't seem to have the insight when things are really at their worst...i was talking to my friend today and telling him how i had a really bad nite because i just didn't believe all the positive things i was telling mysef..and started telling myself i must be gradiose and delusional...becuase obviously i lost my friend because i am a worthless human being...not worth to have as a friend...and my friend told me that he has never met anyone so mean...and i said, but im not a mean person...and he made me see how horrible i am to myself....which is quite sad because i wouldn't ever tolerate anyone else ever being so nasty or saying the things i say about myself....i am my own worst enemy...i think im rambling now..i want to be loved...and that is selfish..but more than anything i want to be a good friend.....and it hurts tremendously that im failing at the one thing I want to do right.

[RozG]

((((((((Somebody)))))))) maybe if you learn to not be so hard on yourself? sorry but i'm not great at giving advice and really don't know what else to say.