I don't know what I should do...

I've been depressed for a long time. I had a nervous breakdown when I was 17 and had to see a shrink, but I lied about everything just so that things would blow over. Now here I am 21, in a foreign country for 6 months, getting ready to enter my senior year of college, and I'm so depressed because of everything that's built up over my life, I'm at the brink of letting the cannon loose again...and this time it's going to destroy my world.

I'm fighting a mental battle, and I'm starting to lose. I don't know what I'm doing with my life.Should I finish my senior of college? Should I come clean with my family and friends? Should I seek professional help. I know the answer is yes, but I'm going to lose everything in the process....

It's like I have a ticking time bomb, only I get to choose when it blows up. I could come home after my stay here, and tell my parents I need to see a shrink, and admit I'm a failure, or I could simply Finish out my senior year, and then let everyone know I'm a failure.

I know I'm answering my own question here, but I just need some input here....do I destroy everything I've created? Or do I let it destroy me?

(((((((( meccorad ))))))))

Mmm.... You don't necessarily have to share with your family, you can seek professional help without telling the world about it if you don't want to.

You could continue your studies and see a therapist at the same time?

I don't see failure in your writing here, I see someone who is aware that they need to do something about it. It's your decision, but there is nothing wrong in seeking help at all.

Good luck.

The first time I had a nervous breakdown, my parents freak on me. Without getting into too much detail, it was also the first time I really truly tried to kill myself, it was just way too much to take. The learned "almost everything" and it was everything that built up since I was in gradeschool....this time I fear will be the grand finale. There's no way I'll be able to handle seeing a shrink, especially when I won't have the time, nor the means to get there, all the while managing my studies and "social life" with people already caught up my delusion.

The only way I could manage to set things right, would be to stop everything else around me until I can put my life in order. Literally stopping time in it's tracks. I just don't know if I'm mentally stable enough to do this. I've noticed some really bad changes about me, and they are getting progressively worse. My mood is changing, I'm developing a tick, which has REALLY become noticeable this past year. I'm slowly but surely killing myself with the drugs...I just need someone to talk to. Hopefully I can find a therapist that I can pay out of pocket to, so there won't be a paper trail for my family to find out....

It looks like a failure at 21; I was there too (at 20) and now I'm 57 and I'm very glad I've kept plugging away the last 37 years!

The world, even your world, isn't that fragile; I had to leave the college major I loved at age 20 and just got my degree in it a year ago, May 2007, and it was worth every moment. Nothing ends that you truly love/need.

I would do whatever you think would be most comfortable and helpful for you. Lives don't go in straight lines, just because we "plan" them that way; good things can still happen for you so there is no regret or feeling of failure. I graduated from college the first time in 1972, with a useless degree and right into the Jimmy Carter recession where the "want ads" were still segregated between "men wanted" and "women wanted". I couldn't have felt more like a failure but did later on in my life. But all that was momentary and gained back.

We're not aware of how fluid and resilient we are and our fortunes when we're in the thick of it. I would get yourself help and then wander out and engage again when you're feeling stronger.

I'm just so afraid to be seen as a failure, especially with all the things I've had to deal with as a kid. I can't fail my grandfather, because he always tells me " you're the oldest, you have to make something for yourself, set a good example." If my family knew even half the things going on in my mind, I'd be kicked out of the house, cut off from the family....I'm going to lose all my friends. I'm going to lose everything....Even thinking about what might happen right now is enough to make me panic. I'm sweating like a bomb squad right now....

I've built my entire life upon lies, upon lies. I'm living in a faberge egg world. I've kept so many things secret, denied so many things, made so many things up that sometimes I can't even distinguish what I've lied about and whether or not it really happened anymore. Sometimes I believe my own lies. Ugh, this is not where I saw myself at 21. I'm having a midlife crisis a quarter of the way through life....

I think you have more control that you think. Recognize that going to a foreign country for six months is a stressor. Being a senior is a stressor. But go ahead and finish. Then fall apart if you want to. Or not. Can you see a family doctor? The laying on of hands is tremendously healing.

I can't see a family doctor, because then it would go through insurance, leaving a paper trail that I had to see the doctor for psychiatric care. I don't know what I'm so worried about...if I'm going to let it all loose, why should It even matter, but it does. I don't think I can take it anymore....I'm actually surprised I've lasted this long without breaking down.

I think I should drop out, see a therapist, and get things in order. Of course I'm going to be seen as a failure. It's going to upset a lot of people, because once again I'm just a waste of time and money. But I just want to live a normal life. I want to feel happy again. I want to feel loved. I don't want to lie anymore...I just want to talk.

Sounds like you have made a decision here. But that isn't failure at all. Many people have a break from studies, take a year off to find themselves and then go back to it with a much wiser head.

Wanting to live a normal and happy life sounds good to me.

Take care.

((((((((meccorad))))))))))))))

I wish I had something to add, but pegasus seems to have said it all.

meccorad0.........I agree w/pegasus and everyone else. your health and life is the most imp thing right now. you can finish school later and if your parents aren't supportive then come here and post, Everyone has failed at one time and got over it. i'm sure when you see a pdoc and T you will feel better and who cares about the paper trail. are you studying for a medical degree, if not just try to relax and post here all you can, we will support. that is one thing you cannot fail at, our support ok?............pl56...........janet

(((((((((((((((meccorad))))))))))))))))

I agree with everybody else that has posted, take care of yourself and you are not a failure because you need help.

I am such a failure....I'm going to let down everyone who's important to me, in so many ways. I just wanted to be happy, and I see myself slipping down that cliche road to failure. I never thought I'd be "that" person, and here I am a living testament....

I have two choices here...suck it up and pretend my worlds okay. Live in my delusion.
or
Admit I need help, find a shrink, tell my family and friends what's going on, let my world collapse, build a new and better one...

Yeah, yeah I know which one I'm suppose to do, but that doesn't mean it's going to be any easier. I'm so afraid I'm going to get hurt, or have everyone hate me. Believe me, they have plenty of reasons to hate me, they just don't know it yet.

((((((((((((meccorad)))))))))))))))) Admitting stuff like that is hard. I had to do it, and it wasn't the most pleasant thing ever. Maybe you can talk/tell someone of them that would (you think) take it the best, instead of telling everyone all at once? Might be less traumatic for you.

I don't have anyone to talk to...especially not about anything going on in my head. That's the one place I'm safest. I used to have a blog about what was going on, and then my parents created a fake name and secretly spied on me...that's when I had my first break down. I'm sure you can see why it's a little hard for me to find someone to tell...

I can't tell friends.
I certainly can't tell family.

What I need is someone outside my world, like a therapist of some sort, so that I can just let everything out. I'm basically ready to pop....but when I pop, so goes my world and everything I built into it. friends will certainly be gone, family will either hate me or kick me out....

I'm waging a war in my head these past months...Ironically I'm losing.

Things have gotten really bad lately...I guess just because I'm 21 now and I'm supposed to be this well educated, well brought up young man, but in fact I'm the complete opposite. I'll spare you all what I think of myself. I'm just afraid to start over, because I know it's going to ruin everything.

Meccorad, i feel so badly for you. Maybe because i can relate so much. That decision.....do i stop? can i keep going? What will everyone think? It is so painful to think about. Even for me imagining what a choice you have to make.
If it helps any my parents have always told me that health comes first, always remember you are the most important thing and success you are measuring by a specific criteria. I have come to realise (i still am, and i think alway wll have a guage on success as i did before despite this) that success isn't finishing a degree, earning lots of money, having a 'happy' family. Success can be making a terrifying decision and fighting to get through each hour of the day. Just because noone else sees the battle doesn't mean it is not happening.
I know you have alluded that there is a lot more going on here that you are telling us but perna is right, i think you are stronger than you believe. Take each day at a time, the most important thing is to get through each day. Anything more is a bonus! Please pm me anytime.
take care.

(((((((((((((meccorad))))))))))))))) sorry your parents felt it was necessary to invade your privacy.

Can you seek counselling without your parents knowledge? Thats what I did... it was probably one of my better life-changing decisions.

I hope you manage to find some way to tell them... even if it's in a letter, which would probably be less difficult.

Ugh I'm just so disgusted with myself....I'm not strong at all. Your parents sound nice, but mine would disown me for the secrets I hold. Things slipped once, and they became entirely different towards me. I can only imagine what would happen if things slipped twice. Do you know what I mean? I just don't know if I'm ready to pour out my heart and soul...at least not to family/friends.

If I could find a therapist on my own, and keep it a secret long enough to get things organized, I'd be fine. But I severely doubt that's going to happen, not without someone finding out. Then all would be for not. I've always had problems with feeling embarassed. I could never show my face again if my friends knew what I'd done, what I said to them was all lies....Yet I talk to them all the time and we go out and have fun, and they know nothing. At least I hope.

I though about writing a letter, since my mother always told me, that if you take the time to put something in words, whether they are harsh or loving, it truly shows you mean it. I dunno, I want change in my life, but I'm just too afraid of what's going to happen to me in the mean time...