[SandyWeb]

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I can feel it. Depression is just below the surface. It tries to overcome me a different times during the day. And I do not want this to happen.

I have not felt depression for many months. I was suicidal for a few months....and even made a serious, serious attempt......but I wasn't depressed during that time. Seems odd, but depression really wasn't a part of it.....hopelessness was the cause.

I am on 45mg Remeron, 60mg Inderal LA BID, 100mg Seroquel, and 800mg gabapentin TID as needed.

But even with these meds, I'm starting to feel the spectre of depression. And it makes me want to cry.....because I've been stable now for about 2 weeks!!! It has been wonderful. By the grace of God, I overcame the suicidal mindset. I was free! I no longer felt as if I had no control. I felt strong and able to slowly pursue goals.

But now....this horrible awareness of depression trying to break through that blanket that protects me. I'm not sure what to do. I do not want it to overcome me....because it may reawaken the suicidal mindset. And all I want is to be well!

Any suggestions as to how to pay no notice to the depression? I don't want it to break through. How would I stop that from happening? I don't want to lose my new-found strength.

Thank you.

Sandy

[Myzen]

Hi Sandyweb,

I'm with you on this. Ozzie has said some wise things and I agree with her about the strategies. One good one is the meditation.

This has helped me through some hard times. The key aim in Buddhist meditation is not to get dragged up and down too much by mood changes or the fear of mood changes. The Buddhists say it is the fear that makes the suffering. Some therapies are based on this, including CBT therapy.

One meditation that I do is to think of myself as a big old rock on the seashore. I imagine the tide coming in and out, the waves breaking, and the wind and the weather, the clouds and then the sun coming out. But whatever happens, I am unmoved as I am bedded into the hard granite below the sea, and I do not move, I remain. I may be in the sunshine or submerged under the high tide, but I am the same rock through it all.

It's only a meditation, but it has helped when I felt particularly submerged.

I hope it gets easier for you.

Good luck, Myzen

PS - I've just noticed your quote 'On the edge of the ocean'. That's an amazing coincidence, as I had posted before I noticed it.

[SandyWeb]

<font color="purple"> </font> Hi Myzen,

Thank you for responding to my post. I never know what to expect when I post a message. I'm always scared that people won't write back. I don't feel quite so alone when someone takes the time to notice me. Thank you.

Yes, I also believe that the fear itself causes a lot of our suffering. And I try to tell myself that there is nothing to fear in the present.....the past is over and the future is unknown, so I can't fear those. But the here-and-now, this precise minute, is safe. And that is what I should focus on and be content with.

I don't do well with meditation. I think it must be a skill that takes a lot of practice to perfect. You have much strength within you to be able to close your mind down to a meditation. I have a hard enough time just talking with God because my mind keeps bouncing around. But He understands what I'm trying to say!

Yes, I live "on the edge of the ocean". So your meditation was appropriate for me. Thank you! Actually, I live on the Atlantic Ocean now.....but I used to live on the Pacific Ocean! I've always liked the Atlantic so much better. It seems stronger, more needful to be respectful of its power. And the coast is more rugged.

Have a wonderful day!

Hugs,
Sandy
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[(JD)]

Hi ((((Sandy)))) What did I miss? Where is the antidepressant in your lists of meds?

I know this feeling you talk about... even though never have freedom from depression, I do know when the depths of it are impending their doom... Alas, I am unable to take most meds, so I'm alone... with my T too, of course.

With regards to meditation, do you have a visual mind? If so, try to only "see" a blank area... like a clean chalk board... and think NO thoughts. Or even clouds or a peaceful scene... but think NO thoughts...

by that I mean, when a worry comes into your mind, or a thought about someone or something, tell yourself no, and focus back on the chalk board or scene. It will work better and better and be easier and easier to do in a few real tries.

[Maya]

Sandy - I sympathize with you. I can feel when the boom is being lowered, also. It is very frightening. Although, like Sky, I am never without the depression, I can feel when it gets worse or is about to get worse. It is a yucky feeling! I hope you can distract yourself enough to shake it off or make an appointment with your T for an earlier date. If I went for more than one week without an appointment I don't know what I would do...I end up calling him sometimes twice a day when I feel myself slipping. Take care - and around here someone always reads and replies to the posts, I have found. Good luck!

[adieuolivaw]

Since you're already taking the "maximum" daily dosage of Remeron (a nice antidepressant, with very few if any important side-effects), I suppose you could ask your doctor to try a different antidepressant. Remeron might not be the one for you.

Maybe a different antidepressant would be more effective. The new one might have some side-effects, however. Be sure to ask. Or, use the Rx List website if you want to do your own medication research.

http://www.rxlist.com/
(Use the medication brand name in the search box. Then click on the GENERIC name when you are shown the box containing both the brand and the generic names. Clicking on the GENERIC name will lead you to full information about the drug.)

Adieu

[Wants2Fly]

Hello Sandy -- Welcome to the forums. I hope that you will find the support that you need here. I know I have in the short time I've been here.

First, recovery from the very serious kind of depression you've had is unlikely to take 2 weeks to get over. It's more of a jagged graph line kind of thing -- a generally upward momentum, but with dips, as if one was charting a rising stock market. For a better explanation than this, see, Your Depression Map, by Randy J. Paterson (yes, one "t").

Gaining a better understanding of depression has helped me a lot.

Second, "talking back" to the illness has been very useful for me, too. "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy" and "The Feeling Good Handbook," by Dr. David Burns, are supposed to be the books most widely used by counselors with their patients for cognitive behavioral therpay.

If you can't afford books, "Psychological Self-Help" is available for free download at www.mentalhelp.org, and has much the same material.

Lastly, I support the use of stress reduction. I used meditation for many years. It always worked better for me if it followed yoga. Lately I've found heart meditations, in which I fill my heart with love and open my heart center to give and receive love, has been more helpful than trying to empty myself. The love, when it works well for me, pushes out the other feelings of self-doubt, worthlessness, worry. Prayer also is helpful for me, but that of course, is a matter of personal choice.

For a while, I struggled with the idea that the companionship I found here was less "real" than 3D relationships. Yet, the folks on the forum have been with me through a very long and at times very serious depression. I'm not sure I would have made it without this place. I no longer worry so much about it -- even though I know it is time for me to be more active about building a life off the keyboard for myself.

I hope that you, too, will find hope and comfort and here.

Peace and blessings --

[eskielover]

My depression was to the point where I really didn't want to continue with life at all. That feeling went on for 8 years along with over 30 suicide attempts (several almost successful). I couldn't take meds due to the horrible side effects, so therapy was the only thing I had available. I actually got out of the deepest depression &amp; became a functional part of society again. I even got up nerve enough to go to college to persue a second career (for my new second childhood). After the semester was over, I found myself waking up in the morning feeling like I weighed 1000 lbs. My world was going in circles, &amp; I just couldn't get myself out of bed because I just didn't want to go on. Initially my first guess was that "I had the flu" after all, that is usually the answer when one doesn't feel well.

Well, the feeling didn't get better &amp; I wasn't running a temperature...duh....how dumb could I be??? That was how I felt when my depression was bad before. At that point, I decided that I needed to figure out what might be causing me to feel that way...what was the trigger that was making me feel so horrible again. It took quite a bit of analysis, but realized the situation that was causing this. Then came the analysis as to what I could do to put myself in control of the situation or at least so I could feel "in control". I started fighting back, &amp; the feeling seemed to be relieved a little, but I kept encountering road blocks. I kept re-adjusting my tactics for the fight &amp; my depression feelings really began to lighten. I actually didn't believe that it would help initially so I was really amazed when I started feeling better (&amp; without meds). I must admit that the feeling is constantly there in the shadows because the problem has not been resolved in a permanent way yet. I now have to constantly adjust my plans with the goal of placing the depression into the background where I can live with it again. I find it tolerable where it is because I have the feeling of being in control. I must admit, there are other conditions that I am fighting along with the depression which are anxiety and ED (not eating), but hopefully when I get my life back into order, those things will fall into place also. I do have my psychologist that I talk over my plans &amp; feelings with, &amp; my pdoc that constantly monitors my condition suggesting meds only as a last resort.

I realize that this method does not work for many people because my pdoc does not understand how I ever got where I am without meds, but says if works don't break it. I too do not understand how it worked except for possibly that I was desperate to feel better &amp; knew I couldn't depend on meds...???? I will never understand it nor be able to explain it...just thankful that something finally got it under control.

[SandyWeb]

<font color="brown"> Hey SkyBdark,

Lookie, lookie......font colours!! Thanks for teaching me!!!

You asked what antidepressant I'm taking. I'm on 45mg of Remeron. After it kicked in, I absolutely knew it was working because it took away my suicidal thoughts. I attempted in June, then was free of suicidal impulses until mid-August. Then they came back and I knew something needed to be done *chemically* for me, or I wasn't going to make it. Began taking Remeron in August, and I've be free of suicidal impulses for about 2 or 3 weeks now. What a relief!!

As for feeling depression trying to break through the Remeron, that's all it is.....just a *feeling* of depression.....not actual thoughts that are making me feel depressed. I don't know how to explain it.

You mentioned to picture a clean slate or sky when the depressive thoughts came. (Again, I'm not having *thoughts*....just a sensation of depression caused by ?????). I think I'm trying to achieve that blank slate by avoiding the depressive feeling. I bury myself in a book and attempt to not even acknowlege the depression below the surface.

I hope you are doing well. You are such a presence on this board. What would we do without you? Take wonderful care of yourself, hun!

Hugs,
Sandy </font>

[SandyWeb]

<font color="red"> Hi Mars,

Mars is the red planet, right? So here's a red font for you, , curtesy of SkyBdark's tutelege!!!

I'm sorry that you are never without your depression. That must make you feel so tired. Don't I wish I had a magic wand for you.

I took your advice and called my T this morning. I left a message asking to have an earlier appointment. I don't really know what we'll talk about, but hopefully it will be helpful.

Thanks for posting to me. Be good to yourself today!

Hugs,
Sandy

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[SandyWeb]

<font color="green"> Hi Adieu (that's rather comical! ),

Actually, the maximum of Remeron is 60mg. I was on that dose once before, but at that time, I had problems with side effects from it. I am content to stay at 45mg right now because I know if things get REALLY bad, then I still have the option to make an increase back up to 60mg.

I wouldn't attempt to find another anti-depressant! I went through MONTHS of trying to find one that worked. It was torture all in itself!!! I can not tolerate any of the SSRIs. It impacts negatively on the seratonin in my gut, and continues for MONTHS....meaning, non-stop! As well, they greatly increase my blood pressure. Wellbutrin causes my eyes to become so unfocused that I can't read anymore. Effexor same deal as the SSRIs.

So, I am blessed to have actually found an antidepressant that I can tolerate!! Phew!!

Thanks for all the information! It is so nice to find messages addressed to me when I come to this site. I live a pretty isolated life right now. The internet is pretty much my only "socializing" right now. Pretty sad, huh?

I hope you are enjoying your day!!!!

Hugs,
Sandy

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[SandyWeb]

<font color="orange"> Hi Wants2Fly,

(Soooo....if you could fly, where would you fly to? And are you taking passengers?)

Thanks for your detailed message. I've actually been on the forums for awhile, but I seem to only post in spurts. Thanks for the welcome, though!!

I'm not sure that I am depressed. Isn't that odd? Even when I slit my wrist, I can't really say that I was depressed. Then again, one of my difficulties is not being able to identify my feelings.....I can't even say that I *have* any feelings......I just AM. Make sense?? I know when I'm loopy, though! I can distinguish when I'm not stable and disconnected and in danger. But as for feelings.....nope, can't say that I could interpret those.

So, I say that I'm not depressed now......although, just by looking at the facts of what constitute a depression, I seem to fit into that category. But still......nooooo......I don't think I'm depressed. Well, at least I'm not suicidal right now. That I know for sure.

How are you doing in your recovery? Are your stress reduction techniques working well? I think it's wonderful when we find individual ways to deal with our own illnesses. Not only does it alleviate some of the symptoms, but it also empowers us with a sense of having some control in this nasty game. I wish you all the best, Wants2Fly!!

Enjoy the rest of your day!!

Hugs,
Sandy
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[SandyWeb]

<font color="black"> Hi eskielover,

Thanks so much for sharing with me. Sometimes we can become so isolated due to our illness, and I really appreciate when others reach out to me. I don't feel as alone. And we can bolster each other up with ideas and acceptance. I hope you are feeling well today!

I think I understand about the "flu". That's something like me. I feel run-down, sick, tired, I can't seem to find the energy or motivation to take a shower or even just wash my hair in the sink. And I feel like it's a bug...that I must have caught something. But it's not a bug, huh? It's just our bodies doing battle with us again. Such a senseless battle.

My goodness, you've had 30 suicide attempts? It says amazing things about you that you are here to tell us that!!!!! You absolutely have an incredible core of strength to not have had a fatal attempt. But I feel for you. I wish I could swoop you away and take you to places that are new and exciting, and so you'd never have time to be overwhelmed by that suicidal mindset. I wish I knew how to help you. It is a blessing that you have developed ways to monitor yourself and know how to gauge what will de-stabilize you. How strong a person you are!!

Let us know how you are, okay? I have a lot of faith in your ability to achieve wonderful things in this world. You're my HERO!

Hugs,
Sandy


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[eskielover]

Hi Sandy,

Thanks for all the complements, but not close to a hero, just a normal person like all of you. Struggling to continue in the semi normal life I have finally found for myself.

My last suicide attempt was almost 5 yrs ago...not that I wouldn't have liked to when my migraines were so bad but was almost too sick to do even that at the time...now that is really pathetic. Now that the migraines are under control, I realized that I actually could start living again if I wanted to. I had gotten out of the suicide cycle &amp; the migraines weren't total pain, &amp; I wasn't taking meds that caused those awful side effects like Parkinsons syndrom.

Now I have my horses &amp; my dogs that fill up most of my time along with trying to go back to college for my second degree so I can have an income to live on that is more than disability. Just can't figure out how to support myself &amp; my animal habit on my current income...that is my real incentive to get on with my life.

I am really having a hard time tearing myself away from my new little filly (6 1/2 weeks old). I have her at a ranch about 15 minutes from home. I have only missed being with her 1 day since she was born. My psychologist says I go through "separation anxiety" when I have to leave her...gee, I wasn't that way when I was a Mom...but now...just can't help it. It really gives me something to live for, knowing that I am going to have her for the rest of her life &amp; mine. (We are both going to be old at the same time).

I have always been a determined person...had to be to somewhat succeed in a mans career of engineering. Always had to be better cause they wouldn't even notice you if you weren't.

So like you, I am continuing on with my struggle. I hope that your meds can help stabalize you. I find it great when you can actually feel the suicidal feeling go away after taking a med for a while. I find that so wonderful since with every med I took, the suicidal feelings increased.

With all the support &amp; ideas you get form the members here, &amp; your own determination to control those feelings, you will be very successful...keep in touch...want to know how you are doing.

[Maya]

Sandy, thank you for your post. I appreciate the support. I am going (being sent by my T) to a pdoc on Thursday to start anti-depressants. I am afraid of taking them but if they will "cure" my depression they will be worth it. Last Thursday my T suggested I needed to change my antidepressant and he flipped out when I told him I wasn't taking anything. He replied, "no wonder you are not getting better, even though you are doing all the right things". So, off to another doc - but I know him and like him as a person and my T is good friends with him and I have given them permissin to share whatever needs to be shared to get me well. I have a goal of being totally, completely healed, whole, well and happy. Sounds simple, as my T says, but it ain't easy! Good luck to you.

[eskielover]

Mars,

I do find it quite entertaining how we all think that those little pills the pdoc gives us will "cure" the problem. Even the pdocs come across that way...of course if they didn't, they would be out of a job.

Just remember those other things that your psychologist says you are doing right, are still part of your "cure"...I'm sure you know that anyway... The pills are sometimes just the jump start needed to get the other things to start taking effect.

That is why I was so discouraged when no one could find a med that would work even a little...guess I wasn't depresses since none of the anti-depressants worked...that is what a neurologist told me about my migraines...since no migraine meds would even touch the headaches, they weren't migraines...glad I didn't believe either case. It seems like it takes too much work when you don't have the help of meds...

Glad you have both Dr's working together for you...team work is very important

hoping it all works out