[silver_moon]

I'm laying in bed in tears, its 8am and I'm shattered, stupidly depressed and want to give in. Just had yet another awful night... went to bed at 1am-ish, didn't wake during the night this time but had nightmare after nightmare, disturbing ones... loved ones being killed and tortured
like that's not enough hey!!!!!!!!??????? noooooooo apparently not, every night I have A nightmare involving John
he's haunting me
these nightmares, they're all as bad as each other, they are torturing me... I just can't do it... this on top of everything else oh I just don't want to be here. I feel so so lonely right now. ...."right now" she says, I'm lonely all the time

(can't think, my tummy's killing me, feel sick... my heads a mess and I feel like I've a permanent hangover) all because of the nightmares... in fact I think that's an understatement...

aaaaaaarrrrrggghhhh
CAN'T........... WON'T...... DO.......... THIS!

[silver_moon]

bad bad bad bad bad bad bad
too hard!!!!!!

[cantstopcrying]

Molly honey, talk to your doctor about the nightmares. You still aren't taking the med are you? If you are, she may need to increase it to help you sleep for a bit. It's a habit your body gets into. It needs a new one like a couple sound, deep uninterrupted nights and meds can help. have you tried calming exerccises before bed...sort of like yoga where you clear your mind, picturer the woories literally leaving your body, the start at your toes and in your mind say you are relaxing every muscle as you breathe deep and slow work your way all the way up to your mind.

[silver_moon]

No I haven't taken it yet didn't really wanna mention it 'cause everyone's been so supportive and patient with me, just feel guilty and ashamed. Feel awful about yakking on about having awful nights when I havent taken my meds either... I'm gonna see if there's something natural that might help first.
I used to do yoga... helped me a lot, I might start doing it again.

Oh I really shouldn't have said anything..... what's wrong with me

aargh

Do you think there's anyway I could be put to sleep just so I miss my birthday and Christmas... I can't cope with this

[gimmeice]

(((((((((((((( molly ))))))))))))))))))))
I am sorry that you are having problems, I don't know of any natural ways to help you sleep, I just haven't researched it much. If yoga used to help then that is worth a try. The nightmares can be unbearable I know, I don't want to sound like I am harping on the meds but that has really helped me limit my nightmares, I think I am still having nightmares but I don't remember what they are about so they don't bother me as much. Is your doctor aware that you are still not taking this med? I wish there was something I could say to ease your mind on meds, all I can do is say that my life changed when I started taking mine, all the changes have been positive in the long run.

[cantstopcrying]

Honey I didn't mean to make you feel like you shouldn't have posted. I just want to encourage you to take your medication, talk to your doctor and relax before bed. I too am dreading my birthday and Christmas, but I know I need to focus on the fact that Christmas isn't about me...my birthday--now that's all about ME (and is going to be hard, but I suppose it's better than not having one at all!!)

[kebsfroggy]

Want so advise from a frog of little brain? I know, I know I wouldn't either.

Guess what I'm going to give you some anyway.

I do understand about the nightmares. I had trouble even sleeping. When I did sleep the dreams were so real. I would wake talking to the person in the dream. Most were horrible dreams and I was at my wits end.

Pdoc and I worked for quite awhile finding the right stuff. I hate that over medicated drug effect. I was on Ambien for awhile but soon my body was overriding the med. I went back to waking every couple of hours. Finally came up with a drug cocktail that has been working so far.

Pdoc did say that a good sleep has a major effect on your daytime mood. I have to agree with him (that part doesn't happen very often) If you can talk with a pdoc about meds to get you to sleep or stay asleep or as in my case both. It's not perfect but the meds helped with the sleep and the sleep improved my mood.

Hope things get better for you.

[BlueFaith]

(((( Molly )))) I'm so sorry you are having such horrible nightmares. That must be awful. I know you are strong and can get through this, though. Everyone else has mentioned some good things to help you cope, and I wish I could add to that, but I can't. Just know I am here if you need me... anytime. Take care of yourself... you deserve it.

[sorrel]

Your depression sounds really torturous.
What can you do to best nurture and love yourself right now?

[silver_moon]

I read all your posts and they helped, there was some great advice, but I still felt too depressed to reply and tell you how much it meant to me.... but now I just feel worse, SO depressed, so hurt, just a mess... only just got out of bed 10 minutes ago (it's 4.40pm)... wasn't sleeping, just online in chat... just needed to talk to someone, so lonely... only it's not the same.
I hurt so much (physically as well today... my 'endo' is playing up)

edit number 1: Why... for years I've been trying... I know why I'm depressed and I know what to do... so why is none of it working ... why have ALL my friends disowned me.
What is about me that's so flippin' awful... o.k. so you might say that's a distorted thought... but it's not!!! 'Cause for three years I've been on my own (admitedly with John a bit... but even he doesn't want to be with me, even though "You're still so special" "I still love you" "I love everything about you and you're my best friend"

ouch... being alone hurts.... being alone for 3-4 years! KILLS :sobs:

edit number 2: John was the only friend I had to talk to (and I tried so hard to make friends so there were other people...)... things are tough at home right now, today's awful because there are SO MANY problems all going at once and loads of triggers... I can't talk to anyone I need to SPEAK! .... and I'm not phoning a helpline 'cause the last 3 times I've called them they've all made me feel worse than I did to start with...... seriously thinking about deleting this... although you can't after it's already had replies??

aargh

edit number 3: ooh lucky me... dad's playing up yet again, breath... breath... breath

[grobar]

Originally Posted by silver_moon

I read all your posts and they helped, there was some great advice, but I still felt too depressed to reply and tell you how much it meant to me.... but now I just feel worse, SO depressed, so hurt, just a mess... only just got out of bed 10 minutes ago (it's 4.40pm)... wasn't sleeping, just online in chat... just needed to talk to someone, so lonely... only it's not the same.
I hurt so much (physically as well today... my 'endo' is playing up)

Why... for years I've been trying... I know why I'm depressed and I know what to do... so why is none of it working ... why have ALL my friends disowned me.
What is about me that's so flippin' awful... o.k. so you might say that's a distorted thought... but it's not!!! 'Cause for three years I've been on my own (admitedly with John a bit... but even he doesn't want to be with me, even though "You're still so special" "I still love you" "I love everything about you and you're my best friend"

ouch... being alone hurts.... being alone for 3-4 years! KILLS :sobs:

Just hold yourself together and remember the magic moments that you had and life is such pretty. There are some days in black and blue.

[silver_moon]

Originally Posted by grobar

Just hold yourself together and remember the magic moments that you had and life is such pretty. There are some days in black and blue.

1. It's not that simple
2. It's still raw... think I'm entitled to bad days
3. "Remember the magic moments that you had and life is such pretty" "hold yourself together"... I'm not gonna comment

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((( molly )))))))))))))))))

[silver_moon]

7am. been crying in bed hysterically for the last 45minutes

Still crying...

i feel sick. I just want to die.
I hurt... more than hurt, I'm in agony.
I've got noone to talk to..... everyday I talked to John (oh there she goes again... it's ok you don't need to read on) about anything and everything... now I feel like I've a backlog. I feel as everything's all mushed up in my head, literally, my head is a big mess.
I don't want to fight anymore, there's nothing worth fighting for anymore. I just wish I had the guts. I don't know what to do.
Have to go to this stupid 'preparation for work' course in few hours.... what's the point.. I want to sleep, I'm so tired..... I want to sleep and never ever wake up again!


ignore me..............

[cantstopcrying]

Ok, now I have to use my stern voice. WRITE IT OUT!! WRITE OUT EVERYTHING YOU WOULD SAY, WRITE A LETTER. CALL YOUR DOCTOR!! T A K E Y O U R M E D I C A T I O N!!!
Molly, help is being offered. I know you know that and don't want to hear it. I'm not tired of hearing about it, at all. I know how frustrating it is. I have those moments all too often myself. Your key is to learn to stop the thoughts. Sweety, call your doctor. Please. Pretty please. With ice cream on top.

[Miracle1986]

((((Molly))))
All I can really offer you right now is cuddles.
My mind is a mess... so yeah...
*massive cuddles*

[silver_moon]

thank you manda, thank you cant stop

I will take my meds, tomorrow night I'll take them 'cause it's getting too much (would take them tonight but I'm with my littlies tomorrow and I don't want to turn up drowsy and slurry or anything, want to know what I'll be like on them first)

But, I want to go talk to my doctor... got an appointment for next thursday (my birthday )... because I'm so confued... I don't know who I am, I don't know what's going on with my head anymore! One minute I'm really depressed and feeling suicidal and then I can be as high as a kite... sometimes I feel like I'm just 'floating' and not here in the real world, just kind of hovering and watching everything from outside of my own body. But it all comes and goes.... I can be depressed, with or without suicidal thoughts, for days and all of a sudden can be hyper and feeling great... oh I'm such a mess and so confused... *sigh*

Thank you everyone for being so caring and so patient with me... half the time I don't think I respond enough to what you guys are saying to me, it's not done on purpose... I appreciate everything. But, lately I'll read replies and I understand and it's great but nothing ever sinks in, sometimes it comes back in waves, but.... oh I'm rambling...

I love you guys, thank you (((((((((((( everyone )))))))))))

[silver_moon]

Originally Posted by grobar

Just hold yourself together and remember the magic moments that you had and life is such pretty. There are some days in black and blue.

didn't mean to sound aggressive and horrible I'm having such a tough time right now and I know thats still not an excuse... I am truly soory if I have offended or upset you..... I think sometimes I ought to isolate myself when I'm like this, but most people say no, thatll make it worse... but I cant be nasty to people, thats not me so whats happening? I cant think, havent a clue whats going on

[silver_moon]

bad bad bad bad baaaad morning
had a bad night, as well as nightmares and the usual, my stomach was playing up... its 7.25am and I feel sick and the pain in my stomach is awful and I've just cried my way through a shower (suicidal thoughts again)... thing is, I have to pull myself together, got to see my littlies soon.
I think I'm changing that docs appointment I need it sooner.

[oneinleftfield]

Mooooooooooon baaby, hugs to you. Two natural sleep helpers are melatonin and sleepytime tea or whatever. I agree with what everyone has said to try to help you. Yoga is awesome. You don't want to do vigorous exercise or it will wake you up. But sweet heart, you have to do it. I'm sorry . i ==wish there was another way, would John want you to sit around and be miserable? I highly doubt that. You've lost your friends, every single one, well you haven't lost me. I know it's not the same as out there, but there are people who love you that you have touched and helped here. In order to get new friends you have to get out of your house. Did you really lose them or do you think they are busy ? Is their behavior about you? You need to find people with common interests. I joined a softball team. I take my dog to the dog park and can meet people, I talk to strangers in grocery stores and people look at me funny but oh well. It is good practice on how to talk to people and make friends. etc. Please take care of my friend,

[pegasus]

I hope your day went well (((((((( silver moon ))))))))

Now, you are going to take your meds tonight, yes?

[cantstopcrying]

Oh that's right! First tell us about how it went with your dolphins. Then......

[carla37]

remember they are only dreams, not true, and will never happen, your dreams, are not real. wake up and say its onl a dream. heres a funny for you just to make your laugh and feel better. I had a dream I was driving my bed, into no were. Some of the meds give us these vivid dreams