Deep depression has set in

I last saw my T on Thursday last week - he had been out of the country for 3 weeks and totally unavailable. It was very hard for me while he was gone. Then, when I did see him, I thought I was OK but on Friday I woke up feeling worse than ever - it was the first anniversary of my mother's 3rd trip to the psych ward (Baker Act) for her schizophrenia since she had from before I was born. When she was in the psych ward they discovered she had ovarian cancer and she died in the hospital in May. I called my T twice that day and told him how sad and scared I was but then told him I would be OK and he did not have to call me back. This depression continued through the weekend and just kept getting worse and I became a little concerned for my ability to go on living. I called him twice yesterday and again told him I was concerned but not to call me back unless he could do it within a two hour time frame as my husband does not like it when I call him and he returns my call at home (hubby thinks he can take care of me when I am home even though he frequently says just the wrong things to make me more depressed and he will not go in with me to see my T so he can understand that). So, of course, he had other patients with him and was unable to call back so here I am today - still depressed and worried and anxious. I am already on 20 mg Lexapro and 3 mg of Xanax per day and it just does not seem to be helping me right now. I want to try chat but my husband won't let me - he is afraid I am going to get involved with someone there and run away from him (he is very jealous of everything - even my use of my computer which is about the only thing that keeps me going - if I did not have my computer I don't know what I would do). I am posting from work (yes, I can still function at work - I feel dead inside but I have been acting "happy" for so many years, putting on that mask every morning, that no one knows how I really feel. I don't know why I am posting this long dialogue, I guess I just wanted to let someone know how down I am - and how much I miss my mother, even though she was a scary person until she was first put in a psych ward when I was 12 and finally started on meds which stopped her ranting and screaming and throwing things all the time when I was young.

Hi Maya, beautiful name, that.

"...a little concerned" about your ability to go on living? Oh my, we use similarly deflated language to describe our deepest agonies. Maybe that comes from taking care of those around us as we become accustomed to the unwanted and often inappropriate responses we receive. You mentioned putting on that happy face. Anyway, it sure sounds like you need to get in to see your T. Really. Do it.

Without a specific invitation to do so, I'll refrain from saying more than the following as to some of the things you mention about your husband. But I will say that there is not a "healthy" or "cute" level of jealousy. I am also alarmed by the idea that he won't "let" you chat etc, and is reluctant to participate with your therapy. You mentioned that he often exacerbates your depression with some of the things he says. It sounds to me like it might be more than his words alone adding to your difficulty.

I hope you are able to see your T right away. You need some help right now that you are not getting at home.

You are no one's property to be controlled and limited.

very well said, 8! i agree with everything that 8 stated, maya.

you need to be in contact with t and let him know that it is urgent. i'm one to play off how badly i'm doing because what i felt never really mattered anyhow...then of course there's always that fear of bearing all then being rejected. but t can't know how badly you're doing unless you tell him. which i suggest you do ASAP.

as 8 said, you're not getting the support you need at home. i fear his jealousy is a form of controlling you or your actions...insomuch as he doesn't even like for you to call t. i'm not saying he's a bad man in the least...please don't think that. i do think that his own insecurities makes him want tokeep you within his line of "vision" so to speak.

please call t ASAP and let him know that you need to speak with him...state that you're not doing well and really need to talk with him.

i'm sorry for your grief and hope alot for you right now.

be safe,

kd

Maya I'm sorry about your Mom. I can understand how difficult this time must be for you. I'm concerned too about how depressed you feel. I hope you decide to call your therapist and let him call you back. You say you are concerned about your ability to go on living and he needs to hear that.

You must have a lot of ambivalent feelings about your mother given your early childhood experience with her. It takes a brave little girl to deal with a mentally ill mother. Maybe that's where you first learned to live behind a mask. That doesn't at all diminish the love you have for her and the tremendous loss you've suffered. Have you tried journaling your feelings and memories and thoughts? Sometimes that helps. I don't even like to read what I've written for a long time. That makes it easier for me to be honest but if you wanted to you could always share some of it with your therapist or the forum if you wanted to. We care about how you feel. I am glad you posted and hope your day is going as well as possible..

Maya --

Losing a mother has a tremendous impact on women. Two friends lost theirs last year. The upset was so profound that I spent a week with my mother this Xmas, the longest time I've spent with her in 20 years, due to her chain smoking. I could see from the impact on them that spending time with my mother will all too soon no longer be an option.

Grieving takes time. I am sure this must be a situational factor in your depression.

It strikes me that dealing with a controlling jealous personality is likely to also be a situational factor in it. As was said -- doesn't mean he's a bad or ill intentioned person. But it does limit you.

Keep posting and hoping, Maya. ((((((((((((((Maya))))))))))))))))

Thank you all for your responses. Yes, I do journal and I turn them in to my T every week. Then, the next week if I have written something and we have not talked about it he asks me questions from the journal. I will see him tomorrow - he knows of my wish to die and I have promised him I would not do anything but sometimes the desire to not go on is just so strong. I also know my husband is a major part of my problem right now in addition to the rest of my "stuff". I have tried talking to him about it and he is trying. I know that he, too, is depressed and very afraid and needy and wants me to fulfill all his needs and I can't do that. I can't even fulfill my own. I want him to go with me to see my T but so far that has not happened. Everyone at work today has noticed how down I look (my mask has slipped today, I guess). Anyway, that you all for your concern and your input. It helps me to know that others care and see the problems I am facing in the same light that I see it. Yes, I was very frightened of my mother as a child and when she first came back from the psych ward when I was 12 she was pretty much a zombie with no personality. My father was absent and we (my brother and I) could never do anything to completely please him. We were not allowed to show anger or sadness, there was no hugging or touching in our family. I learned about families by watching my friends and wishing I had been born into one of their families instead of mine. I guess it is just my karma that I have had to work through all of these issues but I hurt so badly inside and I don't, ultimately, know what I am going to do. I do have a super T and a super pdoc (who also does therapy with me monthly when I go in to get my prescription refilled). He normally spends about 20 minutes with each patient but he has been spending 40 with me. He wants me to get T twice a week but my insurance will not pay for it. I only get 20 sessions a year although last year he went to bat for me and got me 40 some odd (it took him several days and many hours to work his way through the bureaucracy and get me the sessions I needed. I will tell him tomorrow how I have been feeling (and I left the message on his recorder how concerned I am for myself right now). Thank you all - you have been a great help.