can't keep on like this.

oh Tao, I'm glad no one else is abusing you because you are so hard on yourself...

With so much going on in your life, it's no wonder you feel overwhelmed...I know I would.
If you had to zone in on the first step needed to get things going better, what would it be?
Listen, I'm not trying to be a Mensa Butt...
I truly care

When I was reading your reply, I felt frustrated so I can only imagine how you feel...
What's in your power to change right now? Within the next few days or so?
I always felt if I had one iota of control over something/anything, then I would have a chance at feeling ok. Maybe not feel great, but at least able to take it 1/2 day at a time.

Tao, in some ways, you are saying some of the same things as my daughter. She's been staying here after leaving a domestic violence situation. She's in the process of starting a new life...
She shared with me that this is the worse time for her to be going back into the work force, and it scares and worries her.
She's going to night school, but feels it's a waste because of the economy. Our state is slashing school budgets so she can't go back to teaching...not even as a sub.

It's not going to last forever. The trick is to get through these times as well as we can....
We all need a reason to get up in the morning, no matter how small or how foolish it may sound to anyone else.

...sometimes it's so easy to type, "We care and etc...." and it is the truth. It can be so hard to grasp, however, when we feel so trampled and lonely.
Tao, you've been through it before and you know it will be better.
And the next time I am in my own abyss? Please remind me of this, ok?

Cap

((Tao))
I'll talk with you tomorrow if you are around here...

When I was outside on my patio, getting my nicotine fix , I thought of this old saying;
"If you have one foot in the past and one foot in the future then you are peeing on the present."
Aka
Concentrate on today...extremely hard for me to do so I don't lightly ask that of you. I had to learn to drop words like "it's always been...what if it never." Jme, but I absolutely had to look at the present and find what I could do to keep me going.

Peace and Power,
Cap

yes, i am stressed and overwhelmed with college, graduating, the need to find a job in this market, my financial situation and the bills i hadn't even mentioned yet. it's no wonder i feel like this, i know... all this and i'm so alone, i don't even have my dog anymore, and i feel so isolated. i'm not sleeping well, i'm not eating well because i'm down on myself over my weight, i don't have any opportunity to exercise, no energy, and i've even come down with a cold. that could get anyone down... but i also have my past showing me all the fails and struggles... everything i've tried just disappoints, fails. everything. i don't have anything at all to look at and say it was ok then, it can be ok again. all i have is that i'm still here, and i wish that weren't true.

what can i do right now? if i can manage to concentrate and care enough, then i can do some schoolwork. but that's really tough to focus on as i'm so down and hopeless.

(((((((((((((tao))))))))))))))))))) yes you can. You're doing it right now! Take care...

Blue

you don't look so far ahead.
You keep trying.
You pick one small goal. If homework, do it for 5 minutes. Give yourself something relaxing/as enjoyable as you can find to do for another while.

*hugs*

I feel your pain. I'm tired of the fight too!

worse... monday......
i'm not going to make it; i don't want to; i just want to end this...

what's Monday?

You can do this, no quitting now

...opportunity...

oh *hugs*
Why on Monday? what is the opportunity?

And realize, that's monday. you are living today. Monday comes in its own time. And the opportunity is just that. An opportunity. You can turn it down. I know you can. Because it's not the real opportunity you want.

You want to end the pain, not life. I know it seems like the same thing but it's not

loads of hugs

...access to high spaces... away from home where i won't do it...

i don't want to turn it down...

I want you to turn it down...
The real opportunity is waiting to be uncovered. It's being a ***** and not letting you see it yet x.x
I think what you really want is the PAIN to end.... life feels like the pain right now but even for you it can be more. I really believe that, you need to find that one little annoying thing that's hiding itself from you.

The annoying thing is that I cannot see Monday with my actual eyes yet Monday comes, it always does. So do Thrusdays. Whole years that start on Thursdays even. Every moment of time has its own character if we let pain slip away and trust the moment at hand. i take your hand in mine.

the pain's too real. it's all i can remember, all i can feel. it's pathetic and messed-up... but it's how it is. it doesn't end, it just numbs sometimes... and that's pathetic too. i can't trust for anything to change when nothing has yet, nothing can give me relief now, and the future only holds more difficulty and uncertainty than ever - just one certainty, and that is the certainty of continued, stifling struggle.

everything's just stalling the inevitable, and prolonging the pain... i had tried to put the thought away but the past few years i've just known it... someday, now or later, i'll complete. it's the only place all this can lead to... i feel like i can't escape it, and only wish death would come in some other way, but know it won't.

Put your right hand on your left shouder and your left hand on your right. Now squeeze really tight ((((((((((((((((((((tao)))))))))))))))))

I know the pain and I want it to stop for you, for everyone. You said you had one certainty and that was that you're going to continue to struggle. Well I beieve in hope. I look at myself and see similar to you... I think to myself that I can't get better and it just will not happen... I may get to a point where things look up slightly, but there's always struggle. But, where's that leave us? Please look for hope... if you believe in yourself it's easier and wow I know that's hard!
In the mean time... I've got an open heart and ears for you...

I also want to say that right now, I'm feeling hopeless myself and at times like these I can not open up about me, or just talk at all. But, i needed to tell you there's hope...

Take care

I have ears for you too tao...I even hear the Casting Crowns playing here at the internet cafe where i drink my mocha

I've been there.

I've wanted to jump off tall buildings. I've looked at windows with screws on them. I've thought about it. I'm still here. And I'm glad I am.

Keep trying to feel better. Jumping is immediate pain and then nothing. That sounds wonderful right now to you... but please believe that you can get better, the pain can end without the nothing of death.

For every second you stall, you give me more seconds of hope.

You give yourself more seconds of hope, whether you want it or not.

You're here for a reason, even if you don't know it.
I know some reasons. to help me, to be there for me like you have been, to be here for all of these people, you just being here. period.

Don't quit.

i don't know what i'm going to do.
i still have insomnia... i don't know why...
uni resumes monday... i haven't gotten anywhere on my incompletes over break... my mind feels dead and my thoughts are so slow, dark, apathetic.
every day i go to school i have ample opportunity for jumping... which i obsess over.
i can see my t again with classes resuming... but i feel so hopeless... and my thoughts aren't coming well...
i feel so horrible, so hopeless. everything piles on... the incompletes, the new semester, the stuff to graduate, the hospital bills, no income from december, state aid denial, i lost my dog-friend and still miss her badly, i feel so alone, i wish someone would say something to me, i need to find a job, plans for after school if it comes, plans for my loans, plans for treatment then, now i have a gross cold and my monthly... and i just want to die. but i don't want to hurt my family, i don't want to die by my own hand, but i can't keep on like this.
i don't know what to do.

The insomnia could well be because of your depression, medication or both.
Do your family help you in any way? Would you feel comfortable asking a member of your family to go through some things with you (take some pressure off). Even if it's just so you have some support there while you sit and make a list of priorities that you need to do. Thinking about all our troubles at once only worsens the situation, so breaking your tasks up into priorities may help?
I'm glad you'll be able to see your T again soon and it might be an idea to print some of your posts off to show him/her?

Take care and stay safe
Molly

Tao, I don't have all the answers you want, I wish I did.
Just... there are more choices than you're seeing. I mean, you COULD take time off... though i'm not sure that's best. You have a T, talk with him/her about what might help.

Is there a different way you can go to school? Is there a friend you can confide in? You always have us of course.

the incompletes - the school work - so much crap. But please, one thing at a time. Nothing is hopeless... but you really need help now, is there any way you can call your T early?

i don't like talking to my parents about this, they don't get it, they just get emotional and constantly ask me how i'm doing. i understand why... i know it causes them terrible pain to think of that, and i hate thinking of what suicide would do to them. but it's not helpful, just more straining on my emotions, and it doesn't benefit them any, either.
i do have priorities, somewhat. getting through my courses i guess... looking for a job simply has to wait, i'm in no condition to be trying to make myself an appealing candidate.
i don't have friends, this is all i have, and my t when i see him. though i don't feel i can be so open or real... i trust him, but we're just starting out, and i'm afraid of appearing pathetic and immature for my age. i guess i've always had that fear... i feel like inside i'm childish, selfish, needy, unresponsible, unable to take care of myself when i've always felt pressure to be mature for my age.
i see my t tuesday. not much point in trying to get it moved to tomorrow.
really, the only thing that bothers me about suicide is its' effect on people. but i have this feeling that i can't escape it even if i want to, like it's my destiny to die by suicide, that that's what all this struggle is leading to. i feel like every time i choose not to do it i'm only putting it off. and if that's so, i want it to be at the "best" time possible... which is now, while my 3mo nephew is too little to remember me and my family have him to bring joy to ease the pain... i'm afraid the chance will slip away, and i'll just end up doing it later, when it'll be even worse than now.
i don't want to do this to them, but i can't bear living! why does it have to be this way?

I really wish I could just sit with you and hug you. I want the pain your feeling to go away 'cause I know what it's like (unfortunately if I told my parents my thoughts I just get "well hurry up and do it then"). You're a wonderful person Tao, do you not think your nephew would enjoy getting to know his Aunt?
I was looking at some of the pictures you put up earlier... of things you've made... you've got talent hunny . Do you get enjoyment from doing that all?

If I were in a better place maybe I could do more... but take care
Molly

thing is anytime is a bad time to do it. and I still don't think you have to, you can shape your destiny.

Good that your job can wait, it's one extra thing too many

You said:
Don't be afraid of that. You don't need to. From what I've seen you're not childish. You're not pathetic, you are just struggling with a very bad case of depression. It is a medical condition. If you were a doctor talking to a patient that had gotten hit by a car would you think them pathetic? Depression is the same way, except the car crash happened in our mind As a therapist, that person should realize that.
Please be as open as you can with your T. That one person is in the best place to help you right now. And really, if they don't think you're worth working with , you go to another T. Because you ARE worth it. give the T a chance to get to know the REAL you INCLUDING the horrible part that is tearing you up inside and out. INCLUDing your thoughts and your horrors and your fears. It takes so much courage. But be strong. Take everyone here with you, in your heart. You can do this. Please, really really try as hard as you can.

*sits with you*