can't keep on like this.

It does not have to be this way...you can make that decision to change. Yes, you can
A three month old nephew does not have the power to replace you. If anything, it will cause more pain because it will bring back memories of you being that age.

It's not your destiny. Period.
We, and I include myself, tend to use destiny as an excuse when we are hurting and very tired...it's easier to say it than it is to believe others and do what is necessary to Feel Like Living.
If you want to wait until Tuesday to see your T even though there is good reason to call sooner--print out every one of your posts and the replies. That T is your anchor right now, Tao.

The best time possible??
There is no best time possible for it.
Let me share something with you...
My last thought when I was losing consciousness after ODing was, "OS, what have I done!? I want to live but now I can't try and change anyt..." Sickening fear and guilt was all I felt; it ain't no picnic.

Obviously, I survived. I'm grateful.
Hurt my family? Destroy their peace of mind? Not give them a chance to help me?
No one sees these things clearly when they are hurting, no one. That's when stepping out in faith, based on love and care, is the right thing to do.
It gives you a second chance and it gives them a chance

Priorities? Living and enjoying it.
Doing what is necessary to have that prize.

Cap

i liked making things when i was in mania... now i just stare at stuff with no ideas or motivation.
i'll think about printing this out.
the last time i od'd i didn't back out and call help. i wasn't really afraid, or even guilty, just extremely sorrowful over the choice i had to make and how it would affect people. i fell asleep crying. i woke up wishing it had worked and wondering why i was found - if there was purpose behind it. i had prayed that God would just take over, have me found if He wanted... just to please not let me continue like this. i had thought maybe He had a plan, and hope would be just around the corner... the next month i spent in the psych ward a doctor gave me ritalin. i'd never been manic before, and that's what it did to me, i felt amazing, thought i had found something that worked. what i couldn't see was that it was mania, not real "normalcy". it caused its' own problems. that was 3 years ago. i wish i had died... i went over that decision before, i don't want to keep facing it... maybe it's just what i deserve to keep feeling pain over what it'd do to my family before inflicting it. i wish there were another way... but i don't believe there is. i don't know.

believe that there is another way.
One of the worst things about depression is that we have to trust others to help us.

From personal experience, I never liked taking too much help from people; I'd rather help THEM than the other way around. So going into a position where I needed help and couldn't give back hurt me.
I have trust issues... not horrible ones but they're there. I've been dropped too many times to make it come easy.
But to get better we HAVE to trust, because we CAN'T see what's best for us. x.x When I was in my most down moments I firmly believed what you're saying now tao. That there was nothing but that option. My boyfriend would tell me I was wrong. He was the only one I trusted enough to tell really. But my trust... it was so hard. He ... did help though, he helped me to trust him and the people around me, showed me that I had to. Now, months later, I am beginning to see just... a glimps of sunshine here and there. I still have it bad. I've had a bad few days but now, unlike before, I REMEMBER, can look forward to a way out that is not death.

So I know... I just told you a long story of mine. You'll say that's me, that it's not true for you.
I guess, right now, you need to let your guard down and choose to trust.
Trust your T. Go to your T. Ask for the help you need.
Maybe the T can help you see it too, in time.

I know it's hard, please trust

loads of hugs

I did not back out, call for help, pray for anything...my fear and my guilt came as I was going under and understood the finality of my action.
Self flagellation is a waste of energy and serves no purpose other than to call attention to feelings of worthlessness..it clears the way for reassurance from others when we can't accept we are worthwhile human beings.
One of the healthiest things we do for ourselves is to accept our imperfections as being part of being human...beating ourselves up about it drains everyone--ourselves and those around us.

Tao, you've said the same type of words in your caring posts to others when they are in a rough spot--what is true for them/me is also true for you.
Emotional pain and confusion will indeed blind us to better choices; the other side to that is believing others, as we want them to believe us, when told it will get better.

Your words;
i wish there were another way... but i don't believe there is. i don't know.

No, you don't know and that is the point trying to be made to you...
What do you have to lose by leaning on us while trust in your T grows?? What difference would it make to wait and give it a serious effort to work???
Perhaps letting go of many of these feelings and allowing them to be replaced with more positive ones would be the difference? Think of it...a very good possibility of smashing the hold of the beast of depression.
It's a given that the beast comes in and out of our lives.
It's affect on us can be minimal or it can be dreadful...we have no way of knowing. No one is guaranteed smooth sailing every day. People without depression don't have a guarantee of anything either.

The same advice and support you've given to others has been given to you, Tao. You know by the responses to your support that it works...
It's not any different for you or for me or for anyone else.
It's a basic but hard truth that it does get better in time. Time may mean a few hours or a few weeks; it feels longer than that when we are hurting, but it does not change that truth.

Cap

i feel so alone.

((((((( Tao )))))))

tao I don't have much access to computer at all so have to make this short but just sending loads of hugs, and hoping you're doing ok

*loads loads of hugs and good wishes*
~turquoisesea

A childish person does not reach out to us here at PC like you so openly are reaching out to us. Neither does a 'selfish' person. Nor an 'irresponsible' one. You are none of these things Tao, not one. We see Tao for who she is really, we see your beauty. If your parents ask very emotionally 'what are you saying? what are you saying?' can _you be assertive _back and say Mom Dad what EXACTLY are you IMPLYING they way you ask _me that really now Mom and Dad what.

((((((((Tao)))))))))) How are things now that you are back in school? Do you feel any better at all? Just want you to know you are in my thoughts.

i don't know if it's better, but different. i don't have all day to think, though i still have a lot of it. but it's broken up some by classes, or reading for classes. unfortunately when i try to write for classes i can't concentrate. and the pain is different... it's not just dull achy hopelessness, but stinging loneliness in being around people but alone all day. and fear about that whole list of things, and now anxiety over therapy too.

It's good that you're making it to classes - that you ARE doing the work, or at least trying to. I know it doesnt seem like it but that's huge right there
keep trying
I hope you can work it out with your T, I know it's... hard ... but you can do it I think
Maybe you could try interacting with someone? So you don't feel quite as alone during the day? You're a really nice person, maybe finding someone to study with ?

no... i don't know. my classes are different this semester... the structure might allow for better connections with classmates - well, structured connections, because i'm worthless at initiation. it's possible. not probable, but at least possible. i'll just have to wait and see i guess.

...what i really want right now... been craving... is someone to hold me, or at least touch me... i don't know how it is that that feels so comforting... but it does. it's calming, reassuring... and oh so rare.

Tao,

I would like to suggest you keep a calendar to mark the days you have your monthly. Also mark the days like you've had recently. I've done that for years and it helps so much to see the direct correlation.

Pay attention to ovulation time and right before you start. I found that the hormonal spikes played a huge roll. Whenever I have been violent, suicidal, vindictive, narcissistic, became despondent or near catatonic, self injurious, lost my temper, threatened homicide or suicide it has been during one of these hormonal times.

Sometimes I would go a few months and nothing. Then wham! What harm would it do to write on a calendar? Don't give up - hello - anyone can do that. Take a good breath, reach down and get some emotional muscle and trudge on.

You have been craving for someone to hold and or touch/hug you? (((((((Tao))))))))))))))