[MisanthropicOne]

Im sorry. I just need to vent.

I know I need help, if not immediately then pretty damn soon. I go through phases where I don't care.. at all. I still know i need help but im at a complete loss when it comes to caring. I do self injure occasionally, in many ways. I have since birth.. idk why. Im not actively suicidal but i've thought about it alot and in depth. Suicide just seems.. painful. So.. no.

I don't understand what the big deal is. Some people like the color blue, others don't. Some people like carrots, others don't. People make choices everyday. So why is it when I choose to not like life it becomes a huge deal? This isn't an impulsive decision, i've thought about it for the greater part of 30 years. I understand that life holds many joys.. i just don't care. I really don't care to live and I really don't care to die.. Im just waiting for and end. I don't believe there is any "help" for me.

I say all of this calmly and with little to no emotion.

I've tried drugs, ssri's, anti-psychotics, mood stabilizers, anxiety medications, therapy, etc, etc, etc.. nothing made life remotely better, if anything "treatment" made me feel hollow and defective.. A feeling which persists to this day.

Im content in doing nothing and being nothing. Most of the time I don't even think about the normal things everyone else does... if i wasn't reminded to eat or bathe I wouldn't. Hell I forget to goto the bathroom and then 12 hours later im like "whats that pain? Oh.. ive had to pee for most of the day. I guess I should do that.." (and then get distracted to repeat the cycle til I take care of things)

I haven't seen a councilor/therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist in 13 years. I have seen my family physician.. once a month for a year or two. I haven't seen him in a long time now.. 8 months or so.

Hospitalization.. yea, nay.. idk. seems pointless. restriction of freedom.. not like i do much but I do love just being around my girlfriend. She is all that comforts me. Any time away from her just.. isn't good. Eventually I'd kick down doors just to be near her.. I wouldn't let anything or anyone stop me. Strangers touching me is my only trigger and I in all seriousness advise against it. The results are horrible for everyone. I cannot tolerate being touched. My skin crawls and stomach turns which makes me feel helpless and threatened. The animal inside comes out with tooth and claw bared. It will and has injured me just to feel safe (i've torn kidneys going after people who've hurt me.. they were far worse off). Large doses of sedative seem only to remove whatever restraint I have. I question what a hospital could even do in a situation like that. Scares me.. I don't want to be hurt nor do I want to hurt anyone else. In the end it takes over and it wins every time.. everyone else loses.

Oh and I absolutely love how people look at me when I say "Please, don't touch me".

Idk, im rambling.. if I had a point I forgot it long ago and im tired of re-reading all of this in an attempt to discern what point I was trying to get at. So goes my life.. constantly run over by my own train of thought. :P

[pegasus]

Hugs ((((( MisanthropicOne ))))))

It does sound like you are very depressed. It really would be a good idea to talk to your Doctor and seek therapy. Life really doesn't need to be that bad for you. I hope you will consider seeking help and choose a path to freedom...

[Capp]

Hi, MO...
Please don't feel you should apologize for venting...we all do it. Do it as often as you need to do it, we'll listen.

I'm glad you chose to vent and let these feelings/lack of some of them out.
You mentioned that you have not been seen by any medical professional in 8 months for your family physician, 13 years for a mental health professional...
In that time span there have been many new treatments and drugs that have enabled people to live fulfilling lives. Perhaps checking in with your family physician and having a good talk with him is in order?
If talking with him is difficult then print your post. It would at least be a starting point.

Depression can be treated. When you shared about what happens when you are touched, I wondered if you may also have PTSD.
I do and one of the things that will cause me to cold cock someone is if they silently come up behind me...my family and friends know to hum or low whistle to let me know they are approaching me.

There is so much more to life than being in limbo. It's not always wonderful, but the good days do outnumber the sad ones.
You have a loyal and loving girlfriend, MO. She is seeing more good in you than you can see in yourself right now, if she didn't I don't believe she would stay with you.
Building on the affection and safety of this relationship might lead to more peace/hope/trust...
jmo

Peace to you,
Cap

[Elysium]

Hi....

I read your post and I just had to reply.

A little about me...I have Major Depressive Disorder, Complex PTSD, and Dissociative Identity Disorder. I tell you this so you know that from a diagnostic standpoint, I can understand where you're coming from.

That being said...I have been in similar points in my life as it sounds you are now. It is horrible. It is dark. And yes, the internal feeling is "I just don't care!!"

What I have learned about myself is that when I am actually saying "I just don't care!!" That is actually me saying "Somebody please do something...this is out of control and I don't think I can pull myself through this by myself...I think I'm loosing the battle and the war....HELP ME!!"

This is what I hear when I read your words. I think that if you didn't care, you wouldn't bother posting this. This is your cry for help!! WE HEAR YOUR CRY!! I usually don't speak for others, but I feel safe doing that at this moment. (If I offend anyone I apologize) PLEASE...seek out some form of therapy...it always seems to get more painful and horrible before it starts to balance out again. We all want you to feel better and be safe, and try to seek some form of happiness through all this. There have been a lot of good steps in therapy in the last 13 years. There is a relatively new therapy called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensatization....something). I have done a couple rounds of this. It is physically painless and has helped me greatly to process things. I have heard great things about it from others as well.

There are steps you can take...

I have been depressed for my whole life....I believe it will always come back...because it always has before...but I strive to make it through so I can find some peace and enjoyment in the good moments. I wish this for you!!

I wish you the best. Keep us posted on things.
Otherwise....rant away, and we are all here for you.

[justfloating]

I agree with everyone else ... thirteen years is a long time to go without treatment, and in that time major advances have been made in the medical and psychological fields. I understand your feeling of "I just don't care" -- it's a phrase I myself have used a LOT. I spent several counselling sessions begging my counsellor to make me care about something, anything, so that I could feel anything other than despair and pointlessness. It can get better, and if you really work at fighting it, it will. It's not easy, it's going to require a lot of force of will and effort on your part and you are going to want to give up every second of every day. I'm not telling you this to scare you off of seeking help -- just the opposite. When you start to feel better, every ounce of energy you poured into your treatment is going to feel SO worthwhile, SO important, that you'll wonder how you could ever have not cared about anything before. Depression makes us stubborn -- goodness knows, it made me absolutely impossible!! -- but it's up to us to decide how we're going to put that stubbornness to use -- either against yourself, or against the depression.

You can do this. There is more to life than what you're feeling now, I promise, and it's worth everything you have to pour into treatments to get there.

Lots of hugs. Take care.

[artichack]

You need help....the hospital that I was in had a very distinct set of rules...the most important one being giving each individual his or her space...not entering ones room unless invited in...the staff there are all there to help you...first and formost to protect yourself from you...and then seeing about meds...counseling...alternative resources...and a comprehensive plan for a support group...all things that you could benift from....best of luck...

[MisanthropicOne]

I don't know. Really I don't know...

The last time I was hospitalized was 13 years ago and it was not voluntary. I spent two weeks in the hospital. I really don't remember much of it. I know I did not like it. After which they had me in a day program. Did not last long.

Up until the hospitalization I had regularly seen mental health professionals.
from the age of 18 back as long as I can remember I had been seeing multiple councilors/therapists/psychologists/psychiatrists. I had them all.

Medication i've been prescribed (that I can remember);

Ritalin - ADD - adverse affect. Idk made me hyper and violent.
Prozac - AD - Only thing it did was make me talk.. nonstop, to the point of annoying myself. No AD effect.
Elavil - AD - No affect.
Paxil - AD - No affect. Harsh on stomach.
Haldol - AP - Ended up in ER after 2nd dose. Life threatening reaction. Involuntary muscle contraction thing almost stopped my heart. Sedated to the point where sedation was life threatening. Bad day for everyone involved.
Xanax - GAD - No affect.
Lexapro - AD - No affect.
Thioradizine - AP - No affect.
Ativan - GAD - 2mg helps anxiety. 5mg if im about to lose control.

These are medications I can remember. I've been on more.. Ativan is the only medication that has had any positive affect. Highly addictive. My physician had concerns about the addictive potential of long term use. My response was that id rather be an addict as opposed to dead or in jail. He agreed. I take Ativan only when needed to offset the addictive potential. Yes, I was addicted to it. Self detox. (another story) Ativan works so it will always be in my medicinal arsenal. Non-negotiable. I am open to trying alternative anxiety medications like Buspar as long as I have Ativan as a back up. I just don't want to lose the only medication that has ever helped me... seriously without it my anxiety triggers another part of me to take over and it responds violently to anything it feels as threatening. Like touching me. I hate to say it but depending on the context touching me can be life threatening. Like oh say.. mental health professionals trying to restrain me or an officer trying to take me into custody. The more you hurt me the less I care about being hurt... I've suffered serious injuries without knowing it at the time. Its not stupid. It thinks to a point. It will wait patiently for the right moment. Time is irrelevant. It doesn't care about life or laws. Yours or mine.

I cannot stress this enough. I split between a thinking human mind and the animal that is my body. I barely get along with myself. The only people that can touch me without fear are the people it chooses to accept.. I have as much say in this as a person has in choosing an allergy. None. If it thinks you even smell "off" I can't speak to you.. seriously I go mute. Unable to speak. Give me a pad of paper and a pencil and keep your distance (pencils are sharp). I have no words for some people. (try eating out and not being able to speak to your waiter/waitress.. fun!) It doesn't speak.. It doesn't understand words it goes by body language and that's hard to hide. If knowing this doesn't put some fear in you then you get what you deserve. Even when im in control its watching.. everyone and everything. Leave it alone and everything is just fine. No problems.

* Side rant.. if some jackass sticks his arm in a lions cage and gets it torn off no one shouts for the lion to be put down. You just don't go doing stuff like that. Its a wild animal. Its not bad.. you're just dumb for having stuck your arm in its cage. You don't mess with wild animals! So why is it that people wanna screw with me and then make a huge fuss about how I respond?! Seems simple to me. *

I think its safe to say I have drug resistant depression. That and the whole can't touch me thing. It sucks. I accept it. Really what more is there that can be done? I'm not thrilled to even think that something like ECT awaits me in the future. meh. I'm kinda open to it but leaning heavily towards the "screw that" side. The thought scares me.

I have a lot of problems.. they all culminate in that I don't function. At all. If it weren't for the kindness of others i'd probably have starved to death on the streets long ago. Horrible thought but im cool with it. It doesn't bother me much. I really can't function normally alone. I need someone to remind me to do almost everything normal people take for granted.. like eat, bathe or even use the bathroom. Seriously I just forget until im in so much physical pain that there's no way I can help but not notice. So yeah.. taking any medication on a schedule is impossible for me at this point without assistance. My sleep is erratic. I have no schedule.. can't keep a schedule.. ive tried. Can't do it.

Really this sucks cuz im highly intelligent. Tested and proven multiple times. Well above average but it doesn't mean a damn thing cuz nothing interests me. Nothing motivates me. I forget the everyday things. Like time.. im never on time for anything. I can casually look at something and bam.. an hours passed.. only to me it felt like seconds. I'll light a cigarette and then two seconds later I'll go to take a hit and im holding nothing more than a cigarette butt that had burnt out god only knows how long ago. I rarely remember what I did the day before. If I do its only in snippets. I have to think really hard to remember a lot of things in detail.

So yeah.. I can't function. Having a "normal" life is something I don't even dream of. Its not going to happen. I'm like a freaking invalid.. a "normal" looking person in appearance but an invalid none the less.

Yeah im crazy.. broken.. whatever. I'm not made for this world I guess but I'm around til someone or something "fixes" that.. lock me up.. lock me down. throw away the key and leave me be.

[Capp]

MO, good morning...

Jme, but there is a big difference between addiction and being medically dependent on medication. There are also protocols that can be established to prevent the abuse of self-adjusting dosage.
It takes a willingness on your part, and finding a professional to work with you--and there are plenty who will do just that.

Your usage of the word split was interesting...
We can disassociate from situations that trigger a violent reaction in us. We can set aside our usual personality and become hyper-vigilant in order to "prepare" for what we feel is an oncoming but unnamed attack.

Jmo, but you are not a freaking invalid. Perhaps you are in limbo, a glimmer of wanting better things but not seeing any way to change your pain.
Being in limbo can be very soothing in a way. It allows others to care for us, it becomes easier to allow that, motivation slips away...jme, MO. I've visited Limbo several times.

Drug resistant depression has new treatments, agreed it can be a crap shoot as to what works on an individual basis.
However, unless you talk with a psychiatrist you won't know your options.

There are options for you, MO.
Don't give up based on things that happened long ago nor on any assumptions you may have right now.
It appears to me that you've kept up somewhat in possible actions you can pursue. Follow your instinct and give it a chance. You'll most likely be surprised and find hope/

Will things ever be a waltz through depression/anger/FI? No.
Resting between the waltzes, aka feeling rotten again, is a given, but it does not have to be a permanent sit-it-out.

Your choice to step out and try...your chance to have a measure of peace along with laughter and less fear.

Cap

[pegasus]

I still think talking therapy would help you a great deal. That doesn't mean being pumped full of meds but having psychotherapy for the PTSD and depression. You said you had had a lot of therapy when you were younger but not for 13 years. I really think you would do well with the right therapist. I hope you will look into it.

[MisanthropicOne]

I'm gonna go over to a community mental health place today and pick up an intake packet. I'll take it home and look it over.. fill it out and return it to them. I'll see where it goes from there.

That's the plan I guess.

[Capp]

Originally Posted by MisanthropicOne

I'm gonna go over to a community mental health place today and pick up an intake packet. I'll take it home and look it over.. fill it out and return it to them. I'll see where it goes from there.

That's the plan I guess.

MO, that's a good plan...
First steps are the hardest but lead to the best things.

Cap

[MisanthropicOne]

Well I went.. asked for an intake packet and they basically told me to call some number. Kinda dumb. Gave me a brochure and a piece of paper... yay! So now I guess im supposed to call and set up some appointment and they'll tell me something like "yeah, we have a date.. 3 - 6 months from now".

Over the phone assessment.. I was standing in your lobby.

[Capp]

Originally Posted by MisanthropicOne

Well I went.. asked for an intake packet and they basically told me to call some number. Kinda dumb. Gave me a brochure and a piece of paper... yay! So now I guess im supposed to call and set up some appointment and they'll tell me something like "yeah, we have a date.. 3 - 6 months from now".

Over the phone assessment.. I was standing in your lobby.

MO,
I'm truly sorry it was so impersonal...
Community services follow the guidelines imposed by different things...it's unfortunate that they cannot respond more quickly...the people who are there sincerely want to help.
My daughter has received excellent care from our local mental health center.

Jme, but the telephone assessment is usually done by a trained professional...nurse practitioner, MSW counselor, etc..
Their questions are designed to help them direct you to the counselor who will be of most help. Many counselors specialize now, not to the point of not seeing other clients, but their concentration may be more geared to the issues you are facing...
As far as the length of time for the appt, I hope you get one quickly. To be honest, it was five weeks before my daughter was seen...she did take advantage of other services offered in the interim. She chose to do so because she was so troubled, and it did help keep her going until her appt.

MO, it took a lot of courage to take this action and I commend you for doing it.
I know it was a disappointment to find out you would have to wait, but don't give up. Only by making that call can you start things rolling...
Keep posting here and taking part in chats. It's safe and it helps to feel connected to others...even if it is online.
Online folks are some of the best people in the world.
The support and understanding is equal to anything in real life, and in many ways it's better.

Cap