T thinks I have DID... what? huh...

Hey I am sorry you are stuggaling but know that wether you are diegnossed or not it is just so a way for your T to help understand what youa are going through and so you know you are not alone. I dont belive you have to have a lops in time you can be aware but I dont think you can have a say in what they do. You know your self more then the T. I wish you the best. And remember a diegnosses doesnt mean it has to affect your life. I wish you the best,

Lilly

Beyond_Blue....

First off....take a deep breath.

I guess I'd like to ask if your T is trained in Trauma and Dissociative Disorders? Does he have experience working with people who have had a DD? What type of diagnostic testing, if any, has he done with you? There are some special "Interviews" that a T, who is trained to do them, can do to help rule in or out a diagnosis. There are also some written tests that can be done to help make a diagnosis.

Has he shared with you why he believes you have DID? Have you asked him...or are you too scared to do that. (It's okay if you are...it's a scary thing)

I was diagnosed just over a year ago with DID. I had known that I lived with long term major depression, and I was diagnosed with complex PTSD in 2005...but what I experienced over this last year has been mind boggling.

I have done a lot of research on Trauma and Dissociative Disorders. I'm not a T, but I have experience in the Mental Health arena. It sounds like you have done some reading about DID and have possibly seen the diagnostic criteria for the diagnosis. This criteria, from what I have learned, is mainly more of a guideline. Dissociative Disorders affect everyone differently. All of us with DID may share common characteristics, but ultimately everyone's experience is their own.

For me....I never realized, until last year, how much I don't remember from my childhood. I have a couple blocks of time, mostly years, that the only reason I know things happened are because I have pictures of them. But there are other things...even traumatic things that I can, or parts of me can, remember quite vividly. Amnesia is different for everyone. I also live with micro-amnesias which is when you have difficulty remembering conversations that recently took place, or you have difficulty remembering what you did the day before or during the previous week. Again...this affects everyone to different extremes. But time loss does not HAVE to be any certain amount of time necessarily. It really depends on how all of your signs and symptoms present.

To answer another question of yours....YES, it is enough to be just in the background of things. This is often referred to as Co-consciousness which is when one part will be perceiving/experiencing something and it will soak through to some deeper levels and other parts can be aware of what is going on. Take my work for instance...two of my adult parts are the only ones allowed to work, but last week we had a patient pass away. The adult parts dealt with it, but the death soaked through to some younger parts who were triggered by the emotional aspect of the situation. Thankfully, I have learned skills over the last year that have allowed me to be able to "check in" with my young parts and get them to safe places inside.

I can understand your fear of "getting lost" in this diagnosis. It's a scary thing, and a scary realization to come to grips with. The truth is though, that once you are diagnosed, as long as you are diagnosed appropriately, it is actually the first step towards being found.

Also...it really is JUST a label. You state that life is difficult without adding something so big to the mix. If this is DID, it isn't something new. The idea is new...the acknowledgment and validation are new....but if this is DID, then it's been there for a long time. So nothing's really changed or been added...it's just been identified as what it is.

Regardless what diagnosis or label you give it...whether you call it PTSD, depression, DDNOS, or DID...it doesn't change the fact that you are experiencing these different life perceptions. Whatever you call it, it is what it is and a name isn't going to change it. You could call it pepperoni pizza and you'd still be the same person having the same experiences.

I hope you know that I am here for you...regardless of what label is attached to you. DID can be a horrifying diagnosis to come to terms with. NO ONE really wants it. It's an amazing thing that our minds can do to keep us alive...but no one really wants to need their mind to be able to break apart in such a way.

Speak openly with your T. Let him know how you feel about it. And allow yourself to ask questions. You don't have to accept anything until you're ready...and there's nothing wrong with requesting a second opinion from someone skilled at assessing and evaluating for Dissociative Disorders.

Keep asking ?s here too. There are a lot of supportive folks here who can talk about how DID affects them. And feel free to PM me if you ever need to talk.

Take care, and hope to see you around the forums.

Thank you for responding. I can't reply more right now. Having a very sad night. I do sincerely appreciate your responses.

Beyond Blue:

Lilyleaf and Ellysium have said lots and I want to add that you are in 'good' company here.

Thank you for reaching out. I am not fond of labels and I hope you put only as much stock in them as is needed to point you in the right direction. My therapist is not huge on labels. That doesn't mean he doesn't have any but he respects people first and realizes that dx is there only to be a bit of a guide. Every individual person with separate identities is their own person.

I really like what Elysium wrote: "If this is DID, it isn't something new. The idea is new...the acknowledgment and validation are new....but if this is DID, then it's been there for a long time. So nothing's really changed or been added...it's just been identified as what it is."

So, Blue, please be so gentle with yourself. Try to just take it one day at a time. Safe if okay.

PS we sound so similar, I could have written this myself

Beyond Blue,

I too struggled when I was first diagnosed with DID. I don't think I have ever had a major problem with losing time.

I also denied that I had DID....... well part of me did. But I couldn't explain the the other voices (parts) that came out, I got pushed into the background.

When I was growing up people kept telling that nothing was wrong... but I knew something was wrong.

It doesn't change who you are. DID is the intelligent brain trying to protect itself from trauma.

Try and relax. Like the others have said be gentle with yourself.

Again, thank you everyone who has replied. I've read each response several times.

I don't think my T specializes in trauma or DID. I've seen him about a year. I don't know what it is or why, but he's the first T I've ever opened up to (many I barely ever even spoke to). I wouldn't want a different T.

I have asked why he thinks I have DID because I felt I did not have it. This was some time ago (we're revisiting the DID issue after backing away from it for a little while). I recall he mentioned something about the distinctness of my personalities and the types present. I think maybe I need to ask again. I'm still confused about so much. I don't think he said anything about the lack of "lost time."

I did mention in my last session (again, me trying to convince him that I don't have DID) that these "personalities" are fairly new - only existing the past couple years. His reply was maybe they were always there and I'm just now cognizant of them. I didn't really like that answer much.

One thing that really frightens me is the apparent root cause of DID. For the most part, it seems trauma based. My depression, I have accepted, is biologically and genetically based. I take medication. But to accept a condition caused by trauma? I don't want to. I don't want to accept that there was something so hurtful in my life, most likely as a child, it caused such a reaction within me.

There was a degree of emotional abuse in my family. If that was the cause, I don't like thinking I was hurt so badly and dramatically by someone I love so much and who I know loves me.

On the other hand, I don't want to find out there was something else!! And I'm afraid of "recovering" false memories. I certainly don't want to invent something that never happened!!! I want to remember only the good things about my childhood, which had its up and downs but, for the most part, was wonderful. I don't want to lose what I have - so many amazing memories. I don't want to find out I was, perhaps, terrified during those times.

And, again, I don't understand the concept of DID as it relates to personalities. These "personalities" really did only crop up during the last couple years. How can it be that I was unaware of them? How could they have been silent all these years? It doesn't make sense to me. Why are they here now? I have three littles and two who only want to hurt me.

But I think, I've hurt myself since I was a pre-teen. I did it. I've always done it. Why do I now attribute it to some "personality?" Why can't it just be me? I never felt like there was someone else inside me before - not that I recall. I remember as a child feeling like I was being watched. I don't know...

I feel more and more like my world is falling apart around me. I feel like I'm literally about to lose my mind if I continue down this path. Part of me wants to quit therapy altogether. Deny any existence of a problem. I don't understand how I was able to go to school and work for so many years (sure I encounter many obstacles), but now I can't manage anything. I feel lazy, stupid and useless. What if things never get better? What if they only get worse? My whole life, it seems, everyday is worse than the preceding day.

I'm just so confused. I know no one wants this, but I can't help thinking to myself that this wasn't suppose to happen. I'm supposed to be self-sufficient and successful, if not happy. More and more, I'm nothing. Literally falling to pieces. I don't know if I can handle this.

blue

Beyond Blue,
Reading this makes me feel so much because I know I have felt such similar confusion and dismay. So I first want to tell you that although your feelings are unique to you, many others have felt similarly, and have been able to feel better, much better, at later points.
If this is the first T you have ever been able to open up to, I think you are wise to trust yourself, and trust your T to help you. You do not have to accept this diagnosis, but you would be very brave to try exploring it, and see if doing so may help you.
The fear of recovering "false memories" is something that I have struggled with as well. It is very scary. For me, I actually did construct suggestions for myself that were not true. But I found that at least part of me knew when I was lying to myself. When I uncovered things that really were true, I knew that too. This is not an easy trek to embark on, but for me it was worthwhile.
You state that you don't want to lose the wonderful memories of your childhood. I would like to say to this that you don't have to lose any of the good stuff. You may uncover other things that were hurtful, but you can still treasure all the things that were good in your childhood. I found it necessary for me, at one point, to decide if it was more important to remember being happy in the past, or to have a chance at being happy now and in the future? That helped me decide to be more willing to explore past experiences that I was afraid of.
You are asking some very good, thoughtful questions about the nature of any distinct personalities you might have. Such as How could I have been unaware of them? There are many possibilities, and the answers are going to be different for everyone. I am still trying to answer some of them myself. But I can see you are thinking on them, you are considering them, and that is the path to finding the answers. I hope you will continue to ask all of these questions of yourself and your T.
It is completely reasonable and understandable that you would feel you are falling apart right now. It is perfectly okay to feel that way. You will be very brave, and taking very good care of yourself, if you continue to explore the possibility of DID, whether you conclude it describes you or not.
I want to echo the others in hoping you can be gentle with yourself. You are a worthwhile person who deserves to be happy, by whatever path leads you there.
Thank you so much for sharing this with us. I hope to hear more from you.

If the emotional abuse goes on for long enough then it may be a trigger point. Personally I know my parents did the best they could with what they had, which wasn't much..... but it was enough to affect me. I am a very sensitive person and needed far much more than they were ever capable of providing emotionally.

So in my case its not about blame. Its not like they set out to hurt me. Its not about intent. DID was just my way of surviving in a dessert that had some prickly cacti in it. Or living with a bunch of echidnas (porcupines). You just never got that close.

I also ended up in hospital when I was about 8 after having an accident. That was traumatic considering the details.

It sounds like you can trust your therapist. So I doubt very much that he will try to coerce you into some memory that doesn't exist. I've looked under rocks my entire life trying to find the really bad thing that happened to me. I haven't found it yet.

I hear voices in my head and am only aware of how different they are when the come out of my mouth. It is strange and often frustrating when they continually switch.

Its like we are all learning Beyond Blue. I wish I could take your fear away.
I wish you felt so much better.

Hang in there. We are here for you and will try and help when we can.

possum220 mentioned emotional abuse and looking under rocks...

Looking under rocks and worrying what I'll find. I'm afraid to even look at the rocks, much less under them! I'm all about ignoring the rock's existence till I trip over it! It's good to hear that maybe I don't need to be so afraid of those rocks...maybe a rock is just a rock...and not a hidey place for something scary.

I'm still denying the depth and breadth of the emotional abuse. It lasted my lifetime...until very recently (long story). I know it was not intended. On the contrary, I know my parents wanted the best for me. I guess emotional abuse is a whole other topic! I don't much like thinking about it.

I just feel so sad, so scared, so alone. I'm tired of hurting myself physically and mentally. I'm tired of always feeling so badly. I want to get "better," but I don't know what that means or how. I'm afraid to trust my T more than I do, which for me is a lot, but my a lot is what most would consider only a little.

I know I've managed to keep myself alive, relatively sane and sort of functional to this point (wow, that's a depressing string of words). But I think I'm afraid to give more of myself over to my T and to trust in his knowledge, training and expertise. I'm so good at denying. Everything is fine, I told myself; until everything fell apart. I know I can't fix it. How do I let someone else help?

Elysium mentioned, if correctly diagnosed, this could be the first step toward getting found rather than getting lost in the diagnosis as I fear.

What happens after you accept that you have DID? How do you accept it? I'm confusing myself... what am I doing by accepting I have DID? I know many of you have said there really is no difference in as much as you've always had it. But what difference does it make. For those with DID, did it change your perception of yourself? (btw, I'm really good at making mountains out of mole hills!)

I guess I'm getting past the point of making much sense. Thank you all for your kindness.

Hi Blue...(((((HUGS)))))

I know what you are going through now is really scary. And I'm sorry that it feels as if your falling apart. You are asking some very good questions and I am proud of you for exploring this with your T. It's good you have a strong bond with him and it sounds lime he's really in your corner. Maybe ask him to give you some clear examples of the behaviors he has witnessed with you.

As far as the "personalities" being new....it seems the psychological community is swiftly moving away from this terminology and now referring to the parts as "identities". I just became aware of my parts last year. Up till then I had no clue they were there. Now that I am aware, I am able to see how and when these parts showed themselves when I was younger, in more subtle ways. The general concensus among Psychological experts is that NO person has one completely whole identity, and everyone's identity can and does split, it's just a matter of extremes. But everyone has what are called "Ego States". Basically an ego state is a side of a persons personality. An example would be how when a person is at their work, they usually act in a more professional way than they would if they were spending a night on the town with their friends. This is normal human behavior and everyone does this. DID is just a more extreme form of these ego states. The trauma they were faced with caused them such fear and pain that their ego states ended up seperating more and each state began to take on a bigger role in an effort to protect the mind. Now instead of having one not quite whole identity, one has one fractured identity whose pieces have moved further away from eachother. So, all of these parts or identities are all you (not other people), they're just more detached from eachother.

As far as being afraid of creating false memories...although this can and has happened before, it is sometimes linked to T's who, in an effort to get to deep information, can form these type of beliefs in their clients. Normally T's won't do this intentionally,but unfortuneatly there have been some who have. There are also fears that I have conjured within myself that I've wondered about their truthfullness but inside there has always been parts of me that can know what was truth or fiction.

Like I said before...you don't have to accept anything at this point, but I encourage you to hear what your T has to say and try not to internally fight the possibility. I know fro
experience that this label can be devastating. But it's not one T's tend to toss around lightly.

Your great memories are yours to keep forever. No one can take them away. Hold them close to your heart. Try and remember that in order for life to be good, there's going to be some bad that naturally comes along with it. You can't have one without the other. If you can't acknowledge the badness, how will we be able to identify the goodness.

Take care sweety!!!

"I hear voices in my head and am only aware of how different they are when the come out of my mouth."

Thank you for this! We sometimes think all the same in thoughts, but is all different in words? You said better. Thanks! ~Polly

Elysium, thank you for taking the time to give such great explanations of things. My T has tried to explain the concept of "personalities" or "identities," much the way you described. However, it's so hard at times to focus on what he's saying and internalize it all. I'm not entirely unintelligent, but, geez, sometimes if feels that way. Often, I need to be exposed to a concept over and over and over before it starts to sink in. I think maybe I'm getting there. Everything everyone has written has been helpful.

The co-consciousness concept is something I think I'd like to ask my T about. Perhaps he's mentioned it already? But I know I'm always present when my various identities emerge. Often, they emerge to interact with me - especially the self-injurious ones. The littles kind of do their own thing! My littlest is always buzzing around close by when she's out.

It was comforting what possum220 wrote about not finding something horribly awful that happened. It's excruciatingly painful to admit I was emotionally abused (I cringe every time I think the thought. I feel I'm betraying my family.) But considering DID, the pain is tenfold because I have to face how the abuse affected me. I'm in my 30's and it was only a year ago I accepted (or am trying to accept) I was subjected to a lifetime of emotional abuse.

I can definitely relate to your dessert/cacti analogy - only jumping cacti. Never knowing when I was going to get yelled at or for what. The thing I did the day before was fine to do, but not that day. Trying to be good, but never being good enough. Trying, but always seeming to fail in the end. Inconsistency. Emotional volatility. At the same time, such perfection. I had such a perfect childhood. Crazy, jumping cacti...never knowing if I was going to get stuck.

So maybe that was enough. I know about that. ...I don't feel much about it though. I was talking with a friend last night who mentioned feelings. I can't get angry at my abusers. The only sadness I feel is that I couldn't have been better. Can the different identities be manifestations of different emotions? My littlest is the only one who can find happiness.

Is this my time to feel emotions? I've always felt nothing but depression, numbness, self-hate, guilt, and depression-induced rage (don't get enraged on my meds).

I'm trying to get myself used to the idea. I'm wishing I'd never seen the movie Sybil (bless her heart). I don't like thinking I'm that hurt. Though, when I've described what I've done to myself (and I don't know that anyone knows everything), the few people I've told seem to think it's pretty intense. Isn't it funny the things you do to yourself just don't seem that bad? If I heard someone else describe what I've done, I'd be taken aback a bit. People have said I'm taking my anger out on myself. Isn't it odd to think I'd do the things I do instead of feeling emotions? Were emotions too overwhelming, so I stopped feeling them? That's a little scary...what would make me want to feel them now?!

I'm confusing myself again. I try to think things through logically only to end up confusing myself. This brings me to feeling like I just have to trust my T. (Who's dumb idea is that?!) Trust him to know what he's doing. Trust him to care and not hurt me. Trust him to not abandon me. Trust him not to get annoyed with me, which if he's stood me this long I suppose he's committed. He's already promised not to get angry with me, ever. He's said I'm safe in his office, but safe doesn't mean much to me. Others have said I was safe when I wasn't. Do they care? What if he only seems to care, but doesn't and walks away? Now, I'm just making myself afraid and sad!!

I told my friend last night I feel like I'm trying to decide to step off the edge of a cliff into darkness and to trust that another person, my T, will watch over me.

Forgive my rambling...writing helps me think.

Ouch...my head hurts!

So many rocks I have looked under and found nothing. So there was nothing to fear. Maybe you will find this is the case for you.

Please try not to over think things. It may take some time before denial is replaced by something else. Even if we feel bad about something, sometimes we just have to sit with it. Its okay to feel denial.

Just keep on chatting with your therapist.

Peace

~ Come to the Edge ~

Come to the edge, he said.

They said: We are afraid.

Come to the edge, he said.

They came.

He pushed them and they flew.


Guillaume Apollinaire (French Poet)

What you are experiencing right now is really difficult, and it's good that you are able to let yourself think on it with an open mind...that will ultimately make it easier to move forward whatever diagnosis you end up with.

Don't forget to give yourself some down time though. This stuff is exhausting and can easily become maladaptive if you don't give yourself some time to care for yourself. Do something nice for yourself. Get lost in a good book, movie, or your favorite music for a while. Go out and get yourself your favorite treat...whether that be an ice cream, a manicure, a walk in nature...just remember you need to replenish yourself too.

A thought I'd like to give you tonight is one I struggled with when it came to trusting my T and trusting myself, and that is that whether you fly or fall, you need to step off the edge to do it. But this is a choice. You could also choose to remain stagnant and stuck. But if you want to heal, eventually you need to go beyond that edge.

I hope you have a good night.

Elysium, thanks for the advice. I did take a mental breather last night and spent time reading a book - not something I usually have the patience or desire to do. (LOL...my littlest one likes the "go out and get an ice cream" idea) I'm going to try not to think on it too much today. I'm am feeling a bit overly wrapped up in it and very drained. I have an appointment with my T tomorrow. It's only been a week, but it feels like a year since I saw him last.