[kerria]

Later today we have to have a nerve block surgery- it's so hard to cope with all the mixed feelings now.

H is angry with me- for no reason. It's always like that, whenever i need to depend upon someone for emotional support- there never is anyone. He's taking the day to be angry to hurt me. We're alone again. i just hope that he takes me to the hospital because they can't do it without someone else there.

Why is everything always so difficult?

i'm so afraid because the relationship with this pain control dr is so bad right now after he said refused to treat me with medicine because i didn't have a dx and suddenly i had to run out and see more drs when i thought that i was through with that.

There isn't a definate cause to explain the severe pain - i think it could be nerve damage from an exposure to a fungicide that spilled onto my clothes through a rip in a TVK suit at work but there's no way to prove that. There's cloned immuiogloblins that came at the same time in my blood. It's a reaction to something. It's physical- pain meds work. i hope that the nerve block will help.

i hope that i can get through without my littles getting too afraid- i hope that communication with them is successful and i'm able to stay in a strong adult part.
i'm still trying to figure out which one would handle it best.

and i hope that this dr won't be angry with me- that he'll believe me and have understanding into the struggle that i'm living in with these parts and to be without the real support of anyone IRL and realize that the severe pain that is real- not psychological. It's been a frustrating mess trying to tell drs that the pain is REAL and Physical when i have PTSD and DID. They want to always say how it's body memories, etc.
It's so so frustrating. i wish the pain were somewhere else. It's so triggering too because no one believes me. i'm stuch trying to convince these drs and they want to protect themselves- they don't want to prescribe pain meds to a person if they have psychomatic pain but mine isn't. i wish that i didn't have PTSD and DID. Then i'd have a chance that i'd be treated without all the trouble. It's so unfair. i have to say again and again that i'm telling the truth- that the pain is real and explain again and again how severe it is and they still doubt me.
Tears. Even my psychiatrist doubts me and i have to always repeat. When will i be believed? i wish that the cause would finally turn up in a test. In the meantime i wait to have this nerve block in about three hours. So alone and so many feelings. Some inside see it as a punishment- they see even the pain as a punishment because they don't know why it came and imagine it was from being beat up or worse.
tears.
i hope that someday i'll be believed and the dr will know how much pain that i have had to live in. How horrible is the threat to withold help of medications for this pain, it's exactly like making someone live in torture.

Why is this dr so cruel? Now i have to have this nerve block by him after he threatened not to treat me. It's so hard to do. How can i do it? i have to. And i have to hope it works.

thanks so much for being there,
Please pray- thank you.
kerria

[Gemstone]

(((((((Kerria))))))))))

I hope the surgery takes away your pain. I am sending good thoughts and prayers your way.

Thinking of you.
Caroline

[__zh]

All of yours are in our thoughts today. So sorry H isn't being supportive and we hope he gets his rear in gear and takes you to hospital.

May things go smoothly and may your system handle this well as systems come about for the reason of survival. We have faith in you all sweeties.

((kerria))

kindly,

[silver_queen]

(((((((((((((((((( kerria )))))))))))))))))))

I think surgery is scary and confusing for anybody, so to have to face it with so much internal confusion, fright and uncertainty and no support from anybody in your life must make it far, far worse. I think you're showing a lot of courage in this ... especially when I think you went to have surgery a few weeks back, and it didn't work out for some reason...?

I agree with zh, hopefully you'll be able to work something out in your system so you all can cope. I'm not DID so this might be the wrong advice, and I don't know how much communication you have within your system, but perhaps you could keep the littles protected in a little room somewhere with things they like to occupy them, so they won't get quite so scared.

I can't remember when you wrote this, so if I've missed you and you're in surgery now, then good luck!

((((((((((((((((( kerria )))))))))))))))))))

[kerria]

Thank you (((((Silver))), ((((( __zh))))), (((((Carolone))))) and (((((GEMinMD))))).

Just a short time ago i woke up and the first thing i felt was the pain

It was a hard day. H took me and waited- not only dropped me off- that was good.

When i went to the hospital, i still didn't know which adult part was the strongest to come for the surgery . i don't have communication skills - i'm working to get that now at therapy.

The first thing i heard at the hospital was my nurse talking about a camping trip so K. came out- she's the hiker and outdoors one- a very strong and unfearing person. i was able to be ok for most of the preparations then the nurse had a hard time with the IV. She asked my Dr to do it- using an anesthetic and he triggered me by swearing and getting so angry because it was a type of IV that he wasn't familiar with


Then the dr chose not to give me any sedation like we had planned to in advance. The last time we tried to have surgery my littles were so afraid and panicked and we couldn't have the surgery because he delayed on the sedation. This time he told me to take my usual valium and then changed his mind about sedation
i feel that my Dr is sadistic.

We cried so much when the needle went into my back. The nurse kept saying "You're doing ok " over and over, and i wasn't ok- littles were feeling so bad inside, so afraid that we were going to die, wishing teddy was there to hold, wanting it to be over and go home.

Then after awile it was over- i lost the rest of the time and we were in the recovery room taking BP and everything from the waist down was so numb.

H came. Dr talked to me- the mess about getting a dx and the hopes about this nerve block- steroids injected that will take effect in 3-7 days and work days or weeks or months.

Then i had to stay two hours until i could have enough feeling to walk.

H drove me home and i went to sleep, taking another valium because i hated the feeling of the numbness in my hips and that whole area. then i woke up , in pain again at 8pm.

Dr wants me to call the office and schedule another one in two weeks, tears, i don't see how i can.
i just want out of everything. i want to be out of pain or at least have a dr validate my pain - that it's severe and find the physical source and an apology for the horrible way that i was treated all these months.
And stop the pain without me feeling terrified or guilty ever again.

kerria

[__zh]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Just a short time ago i woke up and the first thing i felt was the pain

It was a hard day. H took me and waited- not only dropped me off- that was good.

When i went to the hospital, i still didn't know which adult part was the strongest to come for the surgery . i don't have communication skills - i'm working to get that now at therapy.

The first thing i heard at the hospital was my nurse talking about a camping trip so K. came out- she's the hiker and outdoors one- a very strong and unfearing person. i was able to be ok for most of the preparations then the nurse had a hard time with the IV. She asked my Dr to do it- using an anesthetic and he triggered me by swearing and getting so angry because it was a type of IV that he wasn't familiar with

Then the dr chose not to give me any sedation like we had planned to in advance. The last time we tried to have surgery my littles were so afraid and panicked and we couldn't have the surgery because he delayed on the sedation. This time he told me to take my usual valium and then changed his mind about sedation
i feel that my Dr is sadistic.

We cried so much when the needle went into my back. The nurse kept saying "You're doing ok " over and over, and i wasn't ok- littles were feeling so bad inside, so afraid that we were going to die, wishing teddy was there to hold, wanting it to be over and go home.

Then after awile it was over- i lost the rest of the time and we were in the recovery room taking BP and everything from the waist down was so numb.

H came. Dr talked to me- the mess about getting a dx and the hopes about this nerve block- steroids injected that will take effect in 3-7 days and work days or weeks or months.

Then i had to stay two hours until i could have enough feeling to walk.

H drove me home and i went to sleep, taking another valium because i hated the feeling of the numbness in my hips and that whole area. then i woke up , in pain again at 8pm.

Dr wants me to call the office and schedule another one in two weeks, tears, i don't see how i can.
i just want out of everything. i want to be out of pain or at least have a dr validate my pain - that it's severe and find the physical source and an apology for the horrible way that i was treated all these months.
And stop the pain without me feeling terrified or guilty ever again.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

kerria,

what an ordeal to go through. the doc does sound indecisive which isn't a great thing when it comes to YOUR comfort and ability to tolerate a procedure. I've got some words in mind for him. #$*&@^ and such

Is there any way to write or self talk...no matter how silly, weird, or strange it may seem........about the next procedure and try to prepare those inside for it?

Even when there isn't co-consciousness there still can be levels of communication and it is worth a go we think.

We don't blame you for wanting to be out of pain and wanting validation on the pain you are experiencing.

We would take our bear to any medical thing if possible as our comfort and ability to stay somewhat grounded is rather important in most cases.

Can you work with therapist and lean on support here and other places between now and then so that you can get the next one done? Just an idea...no pressure sweeties.

As for the guilt? Not sure what you are refering to but we wish you felt better about that.

May you soon be free of pain. Chronic pain is a whole different ball o' wax in the medical community. Our prayers for positive results with these visits.

[gardenergirl]

kerria,
Sending gentle and safe hugs and hopes that this procedure will take away your pain. I'm sorry it was such a difficult experience.

Take care,
gg

Kerria,

You were very brave.

I'm sending positive vibes your way.

Feel better soon.

Petunia

You were SO brave, Kerria, and so were your littles.

I know the thought of doing it again must be very scary. It is like that for me with the dentist. I am SO scared every time I have to go. I take valium before. But you know what - each time I manage to get through it, it is just a tiny bit easier the next time. Maybe you can tell yourself and your littles that? You got through it this time, even though the doctor was so unhelpful. So you can get through it again.

I had injections in my back too. I had steroid injections into the muscles. I was being really brave and the doctor said, "Doesn't that hurt? It can't be the right place then." All the time I was being brave and he didn't want me to.
You did so well, Kerria. I think you should try to give yourself and your littles a treat for being so brave. If you find something nice to do as a reward, that might make it easier next time too.

Caroline

[kerria]

Thank you, __Zh, Gardenergirl, Petunia and Caroline for being there and writing.

i never want to have anything again. So tired of being abused. No one will bother find the reason for my severe pain, it's so unfair. i never want to have anything again.
tears,
kerria
.

[kerria]

The most difficult thing about it is that all my treatment options are limited to what this dr does- no one else will go beyond the obvious reasons to find the source of the constant severe pain because i have a dx of PTSD and DID.

If the pain doesn't get better because of the injection yesterday it's so horrible to live like this. i don't have the strength to do it. i hate having a psych dx- no one will ever treat me for anything physically wrong.

What i went through was horrific and i can't do anything about it.

Going to the dentist doesn't compare- Caroline- i know that you're trying to help, it's ok.
i know well what happens at dental work - i was a dental assistant for six years- i invented the part to deal with the dental fear and passed the nat. boards and worked in the field. This Dr was sadistic. It wasn't like a normal procedure. This dr didn't want me to ever come again to him for help. i'm sure that i was tortured on ppurpose.
i can't do anything about it though and now have no help at all if that 'procedure 'didn't help.

i hate my life. There's never any recourse and no one ever believes me.

It feels like it will never get any better. i hate being abused as a child and having no one believe me and it's even worse when it happens when i'm an adult.

tears,
kerria

I am so sorry.

I know how hard it is when no one believes us.

I don't tell some Dr's about dx. I don't fill in the med part. This is why.

Doesn't anyone ever stop and think the reasons why we might even have such a dx? We didn't arrive at this dx-place on a happy, sunshiny cloud. We got here from clawing our way out of childhoods from hell. We should be getting special treatment, imo.

(((((((((((( kerria )))))))))))))

[kerria]

(((((((((Petunia)))))))))
i'm sorry about your emotional pain now . Thank you for writing. It's so sad to not have a place to 'be' emotionally- it feels like that all the time to me unless i'm in a strong part like the work person (part 'S.') and the person (part 'K') that people call another name and belongs to the hiking club - And i lose all the time with them. i thought if i wrote to you that advice it wouldn't be helpful or healthy.
i always cry and point to the window in T's office and say "There's no place for me out there."
It's so sad because there's no way to help it besides distract yourself . There are good things to do to distract yourself though- but the deep pain is always there, for me anyways.

It is so hard to try to live when we're all broken into so many parts. It would seem that people would treat us better but instead there's a way drs group us with crazy people, liars and criminals. There's the ADA laws but even lawyers will say that these laws don't have 'teeth'- they have no power whatsoever in any court - only if it's against a large organization. How do you measure emotional pain- like i went through yesterday? Also the amount of abuse we would have when our mental health records are used against us by lawyers in court would hardly be worth going through- even if we ended up winning a case against a dr., which would be a longshot, (understatement).

Back where i live there is no help, there is no comfort or way out or equality of treatment. It's always understood that i'm lying- i have to keep defending myself over and over and still said to be lying.
it's impossibly hard to live in this world. i have no idea how anyone that has multiple personalities does it. It must be because they don't have many health problems or are somehow able to find these exceptional drs to treat them.
i'd love to know their names.

??????????????
how does anyone manage living?

so tired of creating parts to survive the pain everyday and never having a place to be a real person with needs like anyone else. i'm not a liar - just a person in pain.

Take care,
kerria

I'm sorry keria. I wasn't trying to compare the pain of your op to the pain of the dentist. Just the fear.

I'm sorry if I made you feel worse. I didn't mean to and I'm glad you know I was trying to help.

((((((keria)))))

Caroline

[kerria]

(((((((((Caroline)))))))))
you didn't make me feel worse- please don't feel that way.

sometimes i feel so isolated though- it's nobody's fault. There are so many hard things that i have to go through completely alone. No one can ever really identify with me or the hard places i usually find myself in. It's so hard being so isolated and alone.

Take care everybody,
kerria

[prism]

ohhhhh, I have soooooo been where you are. ACH!!!!! I am saying a prayer, although it should be all over with by now... i hope it went well and you find the support you need. (((((you))))) prism

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((( kerria ))))))))
Gentle bearhugs,
Fuzzy

[shadowdancer]

(((((((((kerria)))))))))))

[kerria]

i feel so misunderstood here. Nobody read what i said. Why do you all not understand how horribly WRONG that DR treated me???????

When people here post, i try to read what they write. Why doesn't anyone read what i wrote?

Why is it ok if a dr abuses someone?

What if it were YOU?

What i went through at that hospital and what i go through with that Dr who doesn't believe me and doesn't want to treat me- i only go to him because i can find NO ONE who will believe the severe constant pain i have. He doesn't believe me either but has treated me grugingly - giving medicine to get me out of pain- IT's IMPOSSIBLE to live in. Every month he threatens me to take it away. There isn't a way to choose to live in the pain. i can't do anything except scream.

This dr ALWAYS makes me feel like a drug addict and always accuses me- making me go from one dr to another- nothing is coming up because i have nerve damage from a pesticide spill at work.

It's not able to be proved so every dr is taking the fact that i have PTSD and DID and thinking that i'm having somatic -body memories. i wasn't even abused that way and it isn't. It's REAL and CONSTANT SEVERE PAIN. and it's impossible to live in.

This dr hurt me - he made it so impossibly difficult for me at the hospital by not giving the sedation that we talked about before and swearing and acting unprofessionally with anger before the procedure and triggering me. i'm so damaged.

it's NOT ok. \

Why is ok with you.?

Do i have any friends here?
Not here either?

tears,
kerria

[wanttoheal]

((((((((((((((kerria)))))))))))))))
I am so sorry you are hurting. I care. I wish I had the words to say to make it better and advice as to how to handle it. Can you talk to a lawyer? Perhaps this is something that needs to be addressed legally?

Also, I wondered, have you considered going to an acupunturist for the pain? And also, perhaps an herbalist can help you figure things out where a dr might not have the means to?

I'm sorry things are going so rough for you and I hope you feel better soon.

[kerria]

No lawyer would ever talk to me about it. You have to have physical damage to show them. You know and i know that being abused and made to live in physical pain is damaging but it's impossible to prove.

How much compensation shopuld i get for the way i suffered on Monday and how i'm suffering now?
i STILL can't find a dr who will treat me. This horrible person is the only one that will treat me and i have no choice but to just keep going to him anyways because i can't live in the pain and no one believes me- or they say it's psychsomatic.

It's from a chemical spill. i've been to so many drs- had every test imaginable-but nerve damage is impossible to prove. The proof is my pain and nobody believes or cares about it .

i hate my life because the whole situation is so triggering to me. my pain has to be treated for my psychological health because i can't live this way- it's physically impossible and psychologically impossible.

Kerria,

Didn't want to hi-jack your thread by making it about my similar situation so I PM'ed you. I hope that's okay.

Petunia

[shadowdancer]

kerria, i read what you said and i can't help thinking that i somehow offended you. I just wasn't really sure what to say. YES you have been maltreated and i am horrified by the way the doctors are not listening to you or doing everything in their power to help you. You deserve better. I hope that i can be considered a friend here at PC but i was at a loss for words. it is NOT okay and i'm not going to insult your intelligence by saying it is, or by saying it will be because i can't promise that. you have been VERY wronged by the doctors who are supposed to help you and by all the people who will not listen to you when you say you are in pain. i just don't have any creative options to offer you except to send you hugs and to keep you in my thoughts and prayers. other than that, i don't know what to do. if you think of something that i can do, please let me know and i will be happy to help. but for now, just know that i AM listening and i AM reading every word you post. you are NOT being ignored here. i am sorry i can't do more.

((((((((kerria))))))))

-shadow

[silver_queen]

(((((((((((((((((( Kerria )))))))))))))))))))))

The way that dr treated you is definitely wrong, and it's also wrong that they assume so much and don't listen to you. It sounds like you have very closed-minded drs. I'm not sure exactly but it might be against ethics... could you complain about your treatment to somebody?