[bitterdregs]

Have you ever consciously created a new personality ? I have. I consciously created two of them, then lost control of them like the ones I did not consciously create. I should say I THINK I consciously created two of them. One is a hybrid between two others. It's like they juxtapose each other to create a new one. The other I daydremed into reality during a time I was severely emotionally distrought. I remember the process of it. I also remember when I lost control of it and it became self aware.

Anyone else remember the birth of any of their personalities ? Molding them through self hypnosis ?

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by bitterdregs

Have you ever consciously created a new personality ? I have. I consciously created two of them, then lost control of them like the ones I did not consciously create. I should say I THINK I consciously created two of them. One is a hybrid between two others. It's like they juxtapose each other to create a new one. The other I daydremed into reality during a time I was severely emotionally distrought. I remember the process of it. I also remember when I lost control of it and it became self aware.

Anyone else remember the birth of any of their personalities ? Molding them through self hypnosis ?

I have not personally consciously created new alternate personalities. I had enough on my plate with learning about the ones that developed out of my abusing childhood, discovering what I had gone through that caused me to become DID, discovering what the triggers were that caused me to switch into those alters and learn new coping skills that eventually enabled me and my alters to merge together into one whole being again.

In other words, I didnt have time nor the wanting nor the need to consciously create new alters. I was dissociatied into my alters created through abuse that most of my life was a blank slate anyway, the times when I was aware were happy times for me because all the trauma and abuse and bad times were held in those alters that came about during abuse. and then after I was diagnosed with DID I was too busy getting myself back on track and together again.

That said I have worked with people who have consciously created illnesses and alternate personalities in my work with the crisis center and the mental health unit. most times the reason this has happened to those I worked with was because they read up on something and decided hey thats cool wonder if I could do that, or they did it for attention, or their brain was just prone to the power of suggestion where everything they hear about or read about happens to them.

Some have done it out of boredom or low self esteme.

A very few the problem was therapy related where they thought it was what the mental health professional wanted, they percieved through their therapy process that the mental health professional wanted them to be DID, paid more attention to the alternate personalities then their normal self.

in either case what we do is limit the medical and psychological information ie no reading medical and mental health books, no visiting those kinds of websites no discussing things of medical and mental disorder related topics. We keep the person very busy learning new ways to handle their every day life and the daily problems that come with it, and we talk a lot about learning how to like yourself for who you really are without all the made up cover stories and masks, We also show them the video of the brady bunch show where peter tried to change his personality and Jan tried to change her personality.

we also have them sign a release form for contact with their other treatment professionals so that we are all on the same page for treatment.

usually it doesnt take very long for those we worked with for the problems to fade away for those who are prone to the power of suggestion once their information is limited,

usually it doesnt take very long for those we worked with who have consciously created personalities out of boredom, attention or not liking their self to realize they are fantastic people without all the made up personalities and we are told those personalities "have gone away" "died" "got sent away"

those that we worked with that created the problem for their self because they thought having alternate personalities was cool and fun usually scared their self into stopping the consciously creating alters once the dissociative problems started getting out of their control, and their dissociative problems went away after they gave up using that coping system and learned to keep their grounded in reality.

[Nupoet64]

Bitterdregs, I have not. I am just now becoming aware of those inside me and am still meeting them. It all happened years ago. I cannot recall "conciously" splitting.
My case has a few words describing the splintering....Impact>Explosion>Shatter...that is how it was communicated to me...from those within.

[Elysium]

Please don't take this the wrong way.

It is my personal opinion that if a "personality" is consciously created, it is not a true alter. Consciously creating a personality shows that you made a conscious decision to make a fictional persona into a delusion of fantasy. This consciously created "alter" sounds more like a delusion than an alter.

This being said, there are plenty of people in this world who utilize fantasy as a coping mechanism. It provides distraction from their reality and allows them to feel as if they are less alone in the world. But fantasy does not equal DID or vice versa.

This is my opinion.

[DancingAlone]

to amandalouise,

first of all i apologize for hijacking this thread and i don't mean to start a disagreement here bcause i have no real idea what it is like to have alters. i have also never challenged any post, but you sounded so cynical and to deny ppl the right to explore sources to find out more about their diagnosed condition seems cruel.

i understand what you are saying, that ppl who seem to think it is "cool" to create alters is a bit "out there" and seems dangerous, and to deny them access to information may prevent this, if it really does influence them in the first place. i guess there are those, as in any area, that like to experiment and walk "on the edge" of things. and IMHO bitterdregs, you may be playing with fire. i just don't know. don't think i could handle putting anything more in my head than is already there. again, IMHO.

but when i found out i had bipolar disorder in 1995, after an adult "lifetime" search for what was wrong with me (the spending, moving all the time, switching jobs, not staying in relationships, on a manic high one day, in bed crying the next, etc. etc.), i was so incredibly relieved and i devoured any information i could get my hands on so i could understand more. it was such a relief to know it had a name. i finally understood so much about myself, was able to get proper medication and treatment and share with others online and didn't feel alone anymore. this is critical to my wellbeing.

now, the reason i am in THIS area is i have recently been also diagnosed with derealization/depersonalization disorder, a form of dissociation. i "leave" myself a LOT, *i* (whoever *i* is) have been "hidden" for years and years and only come into my "self" very rarely. i am comfortable with saying "we" but have no clue as to who "we" are. but who the he*l is in control? but i would never invent an alter, for example, to immitate being DID, or say something i thought a therapist "wanted to hear"...?? the truth is bad enough, and i don't envy those that have this sad and frightening disorder but i understand now why i have "hid" for so long and have basically lost my sense of personal identity after much abuse. i believe i have come as close as you can get to having true alters but i don't see this in myself, yet anyway, again, this is all new.

but i can't read enough and would resent anyone telling me NOT to read more about it. because now i know the source of the nightmares, my awful dark poetry, the rages within, the overwhelming fear, the abyss i live in a lot of the time, all of it.

and one more thing please. i actually did ask someone, who had a very mean alter who took over and caused major trouble and physical pain, if it was possible to actually create an alter that would be strong enough to stop this other alter from harming them. it was an innocent question and i know now they would never do this to intentionally create something that might cause more harm. the subject was dropped. it was my own naivite that made me ask in the first place. again, i need to and WILL do more reading. and i would never deny anyone else this critical right to learn more.

am very surprised i am speaking out, but if i hadn't found this place and learned and read more, my escalating melt-downs (and a hospitalization in march because i was non-stop crying, psychotic, no sense of reality at all, lost, afraid of everything around me) would have seriously lead to something i don't want to think about now

anyway, just my 2c no offense meant

[bitterdregs]

I kind of suspected the first thing people would do is jump on it negatively almost like they had to defend themselves. You totally misinterpreted my post.

When i said consciously create...I do not mean that I sat down one day and said "let's see if i can do this". What I meant was that during the ongoing trauma, a daydream developed and then dissociation comepletely into the daydream and then the me in that daydream became self aware. You did THE SAME THING to create your alters. That is what DID is, self hypnosis. What I was asking is, do remember the process of any of the creations ? There is not always loss of consciousness during hypnosis. I did not set out to create a new alter, it just happened and I just happened to remember it. The rest of them I don't. but yah, make your judgement calls because I tell truth. Feel vastly superior and good about yourself.

Personally I think many DID's remember at least bits of the beginnings of some of their personalities. I think they fear ridicule if they say that...like just what happened in this thread.

I remember one time as a child. I had barricaded myself into my bedroom to escape harm. I remember sitting on the floor, rocking back and forth and the thought of calling a man and a woman to me who would save me came into my head. They were inside of me. then the memory ends.

later in life, I had not been having probs with shifting for years until I went through an extremely stressful time and then an emotionally abusive time, followed by a physical attack. I was'nt even aware I was DID at this point. In the past, I'd lose time or I'd be juxtaposed and just thought it was part of my weirdness. But I was very distraught and suicidal. i began having a daydream. I could'nt control it ...but I could watch it. Id come out of the dream and hours or days would have passed. Then I would become her without the daydream. I could feel her but I was in the background and had no control.

[bitterdregs]

I should never type when I first wake up in the morning. I was upset by a few of the insinuations but ignored those that answered in the spirit the question was intended. Thank you all for your answers.

As for the few misinterpretaions, I don't think it's possible for someone to create an alter unless there is severe emotional/physical stress. I don't think the depth of introversion could be achieved. I do think it is possible for a distraught person to be conscious of the birth of an alter. I've done it.

[invisigirl]

interesting question, bitterdregs..

I actually have a voice in my head that chimes in whenever my mind starts spinning out of control and it calls me a liar and a faker and accuses me of inventing my problems and making them up. sometimes I believe it. but usually, I only believe it to make it shut up.

if I am DID (no Dx), then I am co-conscious. however, I did not consciously invent any alters. more like they appeared on their own and I met them. it took a few days before the one I have talked to would willingly talk to me and tell me her name though.

I have had moments where I start to 'wonder' things and as I wonder about them, related stuff will pop into my head - like I will wonder if 'x' happened and then I will have images pop into my head of it happening. however, with this other person/people (have noticed/sensed others) I did once wonder but it wasn't until much later (at a time I was not ruminating on it) that they appeared.

if anything, I find myself trying very hard to make them not exist. I try to make them go away, pretend they're not there, say they don't exist.. but they haven't left yet.

this is just my rather limited experience.

[bitterdregs]

Invisigirl, I agree. I want them to not exist. ha...well I'm being a hypocrite because right now with moving to a new place I am kind of wanting one to take over for awhile. I'm petrified. In a normal state of being though, I want nothing to do with them. I also question if I made it all up, but that's impossible. I've been dissociative since birth ( long story ). being dissociative from birth made it ripe for the DID to develop particularly under the abusive situation I lived in. I just never knew what was going on until recently.

The daydream that created the one alter...I had no control over the dream...but it was a daydream. I got completely lost in it. I remember that part. It happened several times. Then one day I was just sitting there and became her. Juxtaposed, but not to the point I had any control. Could only watch from the background.

[Elysium]

Bitterdregs ~ I apologize if you felt I was being judgmental of you. Now that you explained it in your post below it makes a little more sense, but when you simply state "consciously create" and don't take into account that other peoples perceptions of that terminology may be different than yours, it can lead to hurt and angry feelings as it seems to have done here.

Honestly, you asked for people's opinions on something, and instead of explaining what you meant you gave a vague description of what you were talking about. Then, when some of us gave answers you didn't care for, you turn around and bite us for it.

Next time, if you only want opinions from people who agree with you or share your same ideology, please just say so and save the rest of us the time of responding if you're not going to appreciate it.

Sometimes I wonder if certain people who come to this forum have an agenda. Sometimes people deliberately post things that they know have the potential to stir up the forum and as soon as someone offers an opinion or makes a statement they don't like, they light the forum ablaze for their own personal need to feel powerful, and for attention. Your response to the few people who were brave enough to offer their opinions makes me wonder if this is one of those times?

Originally Posted by bitterdregs

I kind of suspected the first thing people would do is jump on it negatively almost like they had to defend themselves. You totally misinterpreted my post.

When i said consciously create...I do not mean that I sat down one day and said "let's see if i can do this". What I meant was that during the ongoing trauma, a daydream developed and then dissociation comepletely into the daydream and then the me in that daydream became self aware. You did THE SAME THING to create your alters. That is what DID is, self hypnosis. What I was asking is, do remember the process of any of the creations ? There is not always loss of consciousness during hypnosis. I did not set out to create a new alter, it just happened and I just happened to remember it. The rest of them I don't. but yah, make your judgement calls because I tell truth. Feel vastly superior and good about yourself.

Personally I think many DID's remember at least bits of the beginnings of some of their personalities. I think they fear ridicule if they say that...like just what happened in this thread.

I remember one time as a child. I had barricaded myself into my bedroom to escape harm. I remember sitting on the floor, rocking back and forth and the thought of calling a man and a woman to me who would save me came into my head. They were inside of me. then the memory ends.

later in life, I had not been having probs with shifting for years until I went through an extremely stressful time and then an emotionally abusive time, followed by a physical attack. I was'nt even aware I was DID at this point. In the past, I'd lose time or I'd be juxtaposed and just thought it was part of my weirdness. But I was very distraught and suicidal. i began having a daydream. I could'nt control it ...but I could watch it. Id come out of the dream and hours or days would have passed. Then I would become her without the daydream. I could feel her but I was in the background and had no control.

[bitterdregs]

Yes, I do like talking about things other people avoid. I have questions. I was'nt purposely being obscure, I just thought if anyone else had had this experience they would recognize what I was talking about. As I said, I expected negative responses. This does'nt have anything to do with agreement or disagreement. I don't know where you get that. I was simply asking if others had had the same experience. That's yes or no...you can't agree or disagree with someones experience. If you did, it would be written as " you are lying". I did not expect to be questioned about my validity, but hey, everyone has their opinion. It's difficult to think of every possible angle someone could interpret a word or a sentence or paragraph. there are endless possibilities. I still personally think my first post was clear enough for anyone who had experienced it.

[Hunny]

Bitterdregs,

I was driving to work today thinking about your question. I was thinking my answer could not possibly be that I 'consciously' created an alter.

But then when walking after work and time for the question to go through my alters, I came up with this answer.

What if Bitterdregs is at the beginning of addressing her alters? What if she just needs someone to come alongside and say everything is going to be okay. Perhaps I am particularly sensitive to the pain of this due to the fact that this is the month that I came to know that my alters were really true. It was a devastating realization and I needed to find ways for my mind to accept such a diagnosis so many long years ago. I even went to my current psychologist to have him dispell this diagnosis. It was not to be and I just remember the confusion, the devastation, the disbelief, the anxiety, etc. Literally, years went by as I tried to grasp, self-soothe, take quiet times as though they were a pill and spent time figuring out what the heck had happened.

But, having said this, two things have come up for me through this thread.

One is, perhaps Bitterdregs need my compassion (despite the wording of her post) and my fellow sojourners that I have heard tried to explain things in this thread need my gratitude and admiration for again, stepping out and being brave enough to respond. I am particularly thinking of Amanda Louise and how thorough a response she gave and Elysium for her amazing ability to stand for all of us sufferers and now what I like to call 'winners' as we know how amazing we are to have survived and even thrived.

Secondly, I would like to address my curiousity around DancingAlone's proposition. For me, just before the summer I had a really loud and aggressive alter (looked much like my mom when she was drunk and used to yell). The alter came in response to a face we had all seen in a DVD of ourselves and in response to some other stuff around watching the DVD. I think she (the mom alter) may have derealization and depersonalization but I have not presented this to my therapist yet. If she does not have it, it may be the alter who was in therapy just prior to this mom alter. She was somone between the agest of 20 to 30 (someone here used to call them sliders (thanks Zorah). I wish I knew which alter it was. I don't know yet. I will be addressing it in my therapy, hopefully this set of sessions. Another thought occurred to me, in that if you were to talk to my little parts they probably would say the consciously remember being started (birthed or present) then stopping. Maybe the better focus for me is when they got 'stuck' at that age and why rather than when they began.

There is another possibility, that is if there is additional current trauma, would I observe the splitting? Would I call it: "being consciously creating?" I would think I wouldn't call it that now just because I know it relates so much to my early abuse and neglect and it may be better called "re-triggered". I'll check with my therapists too.

Oh my goodness, I can't imagine anyone wanting this diagnosis and tears well up in my eyes as I type this. We need to work together folks despite our mental illness.

To dear Elysium , I thank you for responding right in the middle of your own move and stuff.

Do take care all. Let's get along 'cause other than your various T's and counsellors we are all we have as yet. I am so sad when I realize that there will always be new people learning of their past abuse/s and I realize too that I am in process. I started out with a PTSD diagnosis. Our minds will only let us receive so much dx at a time. It is understandable. But, again I want to thank the 'brave ones' who show us the need for and ask for clarification.

I am trying to engender some interest in 'a safe get-together' of all of us, of sorts, but it seems at times soooo far off as yet.

Love to you all,
Hunny

[Hunny]

(((((TrinityDancer))))) hold on, hold on. It will be okay. We'll make it yet.

[bitterdregs]

trinity, what hostility ? I see one sentence that could be interpreted that way and I apologized for it. LOL now I'm incredulous. Not hostile though. wow this topic really bothers you does'nt it ? is it possible that you are so hostile to the topic that you read hostility into my words ? Or read what you expect to find ?

I genuinely remember the birth of one of my alters and the birth of another one in part. Just wondered if others did too. This should'nt be a threatening topic. i'm baffled why everyone is so offended. i'm simply being honest. Everyone creates alters in the same way. it's just a matter of if we remember doing it or not. For most of mine, no, for two of mine, yes.

please also take into consideration that my posts may take a very long time to show up. I have a moderation agreement.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by DancingAlone

to amandalouise,

first of all i apologize for hijacking this thread and i don't mean to start a disagreement here bcause i have no real idea what it is like to have alters. i have also never challenged any post, but you sounded so cynical and to deny ppl the right to explore sources to find out more about their diagnosed condition seems cruel.

i understand what you are saying, that ppl who seem to think it is "cool" to create alters is a bit "out there" and seems dangerous, and to deny them access to information may prevent this, if it really does influence them in the first place. i guess there are those, as in any area, that like to experiment and walk "on the edge" of things. and IMHO bitterdregs, you may be playing with fire. i just don't know. don't think i could handle putting anything more in my head than is already there. again, IMHO.

but when i found out i had bipolar disorder in 1995, after an adult "lifetime" search for what was wrong with me (the spending, moving all the time, switching jobs, not staying in relationships, on a manic high one day, in bed crying the next, etc. etc.), i was so incredibly relieved and i devoured any information i could get my hands on so i could understand more. it was such a relief to know it had a name. i finally understood so much about myself, was able to get proper medication and treatment and share with others online and didn't feel alone anymore. this is critical to my wellbeing.

now, the reason i am in THIS area is i have recently been also diagnosed with derealization/depersonalization disorder, a form of dissociation. i "leave" myself a LOT, *i* (whoever *i* is) have been "hidden" for years and years and only come into my "self" very rarely. i am comfortable with saying "we" but have no clue as to who "we" are. but who the he*l is in control? but i would never invent an alter, for example, to immitate being DID, or say something i thought a therapist "wanted to hear"...?? the truth is bad enough, and i don't envy those that have this sad and frightening disorder but i understand now why i have "hid" for so long and have basically lost my sense of personal identity after much abuse. i believe i have come as close as you can get to having true alters but i don't see this in myself, yet anyway, again, this is all new.

but i can't read enough and would resent anyone telling me NOT to read more about it. because now i know the source of the nightmares, my awful dark poetry, the rages within, the overwhelming fear, the abyss i live in a lot of the time, all of it.

and one more thing please. i actually did ask someone, who had a very mean alter who took over and caused major trouble and physical pain, if it was possible to actually create an alter that would be strong enough to stop this other alter from harming them. it was an innocent question and i know now they would never do this to intentionally create something that might cause more harm. the subject was dropped. it was my own naivite that made me ask in the first place. again, i need to and WILL do more reading. and i would never deny anyone else this critical right to learn more.

am very surprised i am speaking out, but if i hadn't found this place and learned and read more, my escalating melt-downs (and a hospitalization in march because i was non-stop crying, psychotic, no sense of reality at all, lost, afraid of everything around me) would have seriously lead to something i don't want to think about now

anyway, just my 2c no offense meant

first I havent the time right now to read the whole thing of your long post but wanted to reply and not leave you haninging. the prtoblem isnt with me in this. when you work doesnt matter where you work. mcdonalds, a gas station or a mental health agency you have no choice but to follow the rules, regulations and protocols of your work place. the way I treaty people that have consciously created alternate personalities is set down by those I work for and this states rules. regulations and protocals for situations like this. I do understand you may not like how I do things but there is nothing I can do about it. I have to follow the work place rules and regulations and protocols where I work or be fired and at the moment I need this job to pay my rent, medical bills and other responsibilities that I have. Thanks for your opinions on this.

[justdontknow]

Bitterdregs,

I don't remember creating alters. I don't remember being conscious for that. Sorry.

[sabby]

Please folks, it's understandable that certain topics may trigger, but to lash out at one another is not the way to go here. We have the option of replying, or not replying. A valid question was asked and valid answers are fine, attacking is not. Guidelines state that posting should be supportive. If one cannot be supportive, then one does not have to respond to the thread/posts.

We also have self help tools here and one of them is the ignore feature. This is a good safety feature if we find that someone triggers us and we cannot keep ourselves in check and respond supportively.

Please keep responses supportive in moving forward.

Thanks everyone!

sabby

[DancingAlone]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

first I havent the time right now to read the whole thing of your long post but wanted to reply and not leave you hanging. the problem isnt with me in this. when you work doesnt matter where you work. mcdonalds, a gas station or a mental health agency you have no choice but to follow the rules, regulations and protocols of your work place. the way I treaty people that have consciously created alternate personalities is set down by those I work for and this states rules. regulations and protocals for situations like this. I do understand you may not like how I do things but there is nothing I can do about it. I have to follow the work place rules and regulations and protocols where I work or be fired and at the moment I need this job to pay my rent, medical bills and other responsibilities that I have. Thanks for your opinions on this.

actually amadalouise, i've been meaning to qualify my post to you but the thread took a really bad turn and i didn't want to interject anything else.

but since my posting, i have talked with someone to get their take on it, and who shared with me that this is in fact a valid way to treat inpatients who for whatever reason have created alters that don't exist, or have alters who try to sabotage the treatment, etc. so boundaries have to be set so they won't be influenced unduly and making their opportunities for healing worse.

and oh do i understand about rules and regulations, i am in the health care field too (but not the mental health areas) and medicaid etc. is very strict and we have guidelines that must be followed for the protection of the clients/patients.

SO, i am learning hon. but actually now more confused about alters, their motives, their manipulations, etc.! it must be just awful. and personally, i may never know what lies below the surface...it's a work in progress.

thank you and my secret friend for clarifying your post for me. i will of course continue to read and learn, but will be quiet now about things i know nothing of.

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((bitterdregs))))

Thank you for posting and for asking your question. I am not sure that I ever remember creating any alter when they were created. I remember when I was older I would dissociate leaving myself and floating up to the ceiling, if or when someone came forth I was not aware. But that does not mean that you are wrong.

As I have been working through healing and coming into co-consciousness with others and accepting their memories it is then that I go back to that place where I could no longer be. Many times I have referred to it as taking back that breath that stopped when I could not be. I really do not remember creating them.

When I listen to them as they now tell their memories to me or I am standing there close, I begin to remember at the point that it was too much that I left. The pain that I feel when connecting to them at their memory is more painful than I can explain. I am scared of them when they tell me their memories and tears always come as I reach out to accept them and to let them know that they did a good thing for me.

It is like I stopped breathing at that point of it being so much and they started to breath and I did not breath again until what happened was over. I do not remember what took place until I receive back what they hold. When I receive back that memory it feels as though I take back that breath that I stopped breathing at the moment they took over.

The realization then comes at what happened but until that moment I am not aware of what they went through for me. The others that stepped in many times also split off many times and at times they will also give back there memories but they seem to merge into where they split from. So until I accept the memory back I have no memory of splitting or anything.

I know this probably does not make sense as I am not sure I am explaining it very well. I am sorry for this as I sometimes am still lost in it all myself. I think it is different for all of us and it can be possible for you to remember at times. Only you know for sure and that is good enough.

I thank you for posting and for asking. If we do not ask we do not know. Please take care of you as you are on this journey. Know that we are here for you and we care. I hope that you continue to ask. Thank you for sharing your truth and for being honest. That is all anyone can do. Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

[bitterdregs]

Sabby and dark purple, thank you. dark purple...I used to float to the ceiling as well. First time I remember it happening it scared me half to death LOL My shrink thinks that is Temporal Lobe Epilepsy but they need to do the testing on me to verify. What you said about your memory makes a lot of sense. It's that way for me too with most of it. I had an identic memory as a child though and repetition. My mind plays things back over and over...which is perhaps why I remember glimpses of things that others may not. I can remember themes of abuse while not remembering the abuse itself in some cases. There is evidently some things I have no memory of entirely so someday when I can get back to a good specialist ( I am moving and leaving my current shrink ), I will have to deal with al that.

It seems as if most are still misinterpreting what I meant. I simply remember the beginning of the self hypnosis that created the alter. I did not set out to create an alter, i simply remember the development of a couple of them. I had no control over over any of it. Just as you are co conscious with some of your alters, I was co conscious of the birth of two of mine.

My shrink who is the head of psychiarty at a university does not see this as being false alters. i just remember the the process in part. It's foggy but the memory is there none the less.

I think if we could find others who have glimmers of the same memory it could help doctors to better understand the process and perhaps help children ( if they are lucky enough to be found as children) to be able to avert the process. The younger you are, the less ingrained the pathways. I think any little thing we can come up with to help understand this disorder is valid, hence my uncomfy questions. If there is a way we can help so others might not have to go through what we have in dealing with this disorder, then we have an obligation to do so.

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((bitterdregs))))

Thank you for responding. I do agree that when I would dissociate and go to the ceiling it was very scary. To be there watching as if I was not even there and not able to hear anything. Feeling my body float upwards yet I could at times still see someone standing there. I do not know who was out at the time and it would be after I would go upstairs before I would come back and I would feel really strange.

Most of the times I would just leave completely and not know anything which left so many blank spots of time and of where? I many times could be gone for hours or more and not know where or what had taken place. I felt so lost but I could not ever tell anyone. But I can remember that feeling of floating upwards before being gone even if for a second. But when I was a little girl I cannot even remember the floating off, it was not until I was older I felt that.

I can get glimpses of some events that happened but then everything goes blank and until I accept back the memories from the alter that holds it, the memory does not come. Leaving at that moment it was so bad that I could not be and it seemed I stopped breathing is where I can get to until I receive the memory from those that carry it and then it feels as though I walk back there at that moment I left and get that breath that felt it was no more.

The pain and emotional feelings hit hard and I seem to get back that breath I left when I was not present. At the point of them telling me what they hold is when I remember. Many things I do not remember at all until I get co-consciousness. I do think that maybe you could be right that for me being co-conscious now could be like you could be co-conscious enough to know you were leaving and someone was stepping in. That feeling of leaving I remember but I really do not remember creating anyone.

Most of mine were created very young so my memory does not allow me to go there at all until I am ready to hear it. I trust my system to give me back the memories as I am ready to receive them. For me some were created when I was brought to the brink of dissociation so I do not remember that at all.

It is for you what it is and no one knows but you. In time you will piece the pieces back together but give yourself time. It did not take us a day to get to where we are and it will take as long as it takes to come together. Things are brought back as you are ready to hear and accept it. Trust yourself and allow yourself as much time as you need.

I hope that your move goes smooth and that you will get back to a t after your move. Thank you for posting and for asking your questions.

Gentle hugs.

dps

[starrina]

I recall one alter being created it was
after a very bad car accident I recall being carried
back up a hill and placed on the side of the road
but then I saw another me standing there watching over
everything that was going on this memory is very clear
to me and I have no doubt I created her right there and
then to help me deal with the trauma of what was happeming
of which I shall not go into detail.
I hope this helps you somehow.

[anderson]

(((Bitterdregs)))
just wanted to say hi and that we are listening to you we hope to read the rest of the thread later but are not up to reading everything right now. Please keep posting and know that we sendinig safe hugs and thought to all of you from all of us>!

[Hunny]

Bitterdregs,
How ya doin?
Hunny

[bitterdregs]

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showt...05#post1504005