[Monty_girl]

just feeling extremely lonely and islocated. and add some paranoia of thinking everyone hates me and are laughing at me. and that's how i feel. i don't have any friends. no one i could just sit and talk with. something i've never had and more then likely will never have. i believe no one likes me and are just being nice to me because it's some unwriten law to be nice to the freaks. i really don't care about getting better at this point. because i've lost any hope that it will get better. this is what it is. i'm miserable, lonely and unhappy. i have no one to turn to and feel there is no help to be found.

so sorry that you're feeling this way...wish i had the means or the words to make you feel better but i know that when we feel like this....not much really helps.....just know that you are in my thoughts and i'll be praying that things start looking up......

[__zh]

monty,

you're slipping into some darkness of thought here sweetie. this isn't the you we know and love. this is the disease talking.

nobody is laughing at you. nobody is hating you.

feeling hopeless is part of depression/bipolar.

we're more than willing to bet that how you're feeling currently is related to lack of sleep and recent health concerns. nobody would be able to handle much in daily life dealing with the health issues you have..........than add your other illnesses to that and it is a lot to manage.

that's why when you're feeling as you have written here you reach out to us and we all remind you that you're worth it, you matter, we DON'T hate you and so on.

we haven't lost hope for your getting better. we have hope that you'll get through this down time and see the light again and keep on that path toward wellness.

with faith,
__zh

[Monty_girl]

ty for your kind words butterfly. and your right there isn't much that helps at this point. i just feel like i'm screaming inside. i'm just going minute by minute. just trying to hold it all together,

[Monty_girl]

ty _zh, i know logically that I've been like this before. think that's where a lot of fear comes from too. my knowing how bad i can get and feel. and i know logically that i have gotten better in the past. but right now the emotional part is over taking the straight logical thinking. i just don't know right now how to make it any better. lost in an emotional black hole. i can't stand the way i feel. i'm trying not to numb my feelings because i know the way i numb is unhealthy also. so what do i do?? i can't eat my way to numbness or drink my feelings away. i'm feeling very stuck. i've gone walking, been out shopping. i've tries the many ways i've been taught to feel better. but i just feel so much worse. i go out in public and feel ppl laughing at me. i know this is my head playing tricks on me. but i can't stop it. i just don't know what to do.

[silver_queen]

((((((((((((((((((( monty )))))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry you're feeling so lonely and confused. It sounds like you;re doing a lot to try to help yourself. Is there any way you can get your hubby involved, so he can help watch out for you? I hope things improve for you.

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((((((((monty)))))))))))))))))) my sweet, dear friend. you are so loved and cared for...respected and appreciated. please believe that and not the depression.

imagine you and i sitting with a soda or coffee and a huge funnel cake in the middle of the table for us to grab off of. we're sharing our heartaches, pains and joys because we understand each other...more than we wish the other did.

you are loved ((((((((((((((((((((miss monty))))))))))))))))))

all of you are!

kd

[__zh]

posting here helps some??? (we hope)

your ability to articulate what is going on is incredible. and being able to be so articulate about things does get into the way of what you mention about the emotional versus the straight logical thinking.

well.......you say you can't go numb due to that being an unhealthy thing (glad you can recognize that), you have already gotten exercise and been out socially which was very hard due to the feeling that ppl are laughing at you.........correct?

you've taken so many steps from things ppl would suggest so what does that leave us with?

what is safe to do at home? what can you manage at this time? are craft projects too complex? are your eyes okay enough today to work on something that takes focus? can you veg and watch fav. movies? play with kitties? colour? we know many of these things are repeat suggestions but very important to have list of things to choose from when feeling as yucky as you have expressed.

staying safe and remembering we can slow down and be kind to ourselves during times of not being able to stand how we're feeling is progress.

sorry that the rational stuff isn't helping the emotional.

sending you a virtual coaster ride to take you out of this for a minute or two (lost track of larger coasters and how long the rides are as we're more of a wooden coaster aficionado)

monty

when you say you don't know what to do we believe you but we also would like to gently point out that you are doing what you need to..........it may not feel like it but your communication here on this board and with your H and T and the back-up T all are the things you can do and are already doing to get through this.

[Monty_girl]

yeah posting is helping. feel like if i keep posting i can stay in reality. feel like if i keep posting and talking i'll stay in the present. close my eyes and i'm out of reality and somewhere i don't want to be.

my eyes are so so. i can get on the computer and read or post for short periods before my eyes go. hard to focus without seeing double. so that also kind of cuts out my crafts. to hard to see. not much on TV. been doing the laundry and ironing. trying to pack for the trip. leave like at 6am wed. so i don't want to be rushed doing packing. played with my baby kitties. trying to stay out of h's way today. he's had to fix the drain in the tub. had water going everywhere. going to get up and make some cookies. had trouble keeping food down the last couple of days. so maybe snack on something good.

thanks for the virtual coaster ride. being on a coaster is about the only thing that makes me feel like i'm real. about one of the few things that makes me happy.

[Monty_girl]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((( miss kd ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

can we have apples and lots of powered sugar on our cake? that was a good day. love ya. i'm having a bad day.

[Monty_girl]

((((((((((((((((((((((((( silver ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

think h is tried of dealing with me right now. feel like i'm alone in a crowded room.

[kerria]

(((((((((((((((Monty)))))))))))))))

i'm so sorry for how badly you're feeling.
i know that you hurt so much and wish i could take all of the pain away.

i can relate so much to not having a friend to just be with- to sit and talk to. i haven't had a friend like that either - It hurts a lot to feel so lonely. i'm so so sorry
((((((((Monty)))))))) safe hugs.

You are not a freak. Please never let thoughts like that stay because they're not true.
Maybe you can ask one of your parts if there's anything that would make them happy to do, instead of trying the other 'learned' things like shopping to feel better.
That doesn't work for me either.
Sometimes when i'm not strong enough to step out on my own, a part will be able to- that's why i said it that way.
So Please keep writing here and be in touch with your T when you need to be. Please be safe, Monty.
i hope that something good will happen - a new opportunity.

sending peace and comforting thoughts. Please hang in until you feel better.

love,
kerria

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((((monty))))))))))))))))))

you can have whatever you want on it...as much as you want!

i'm holding you close in my thoughts.

love ya,

kd

[Monty_girl]

TY everyone for the hugs they are much needed and wanted. I'm just trying to make it through today. Think that the stress is really starting to affect my physical health. I've not been able to keep any food in me since sometime saturday. I really feel so so bad physically now. I'm still planning on leaving for the conference in the morning, but I'm not going to drive now. I don't think I could physically do the driving at this point. So a co-worker is picking me up at 6am at my home for the 3 hour drive. I'm not to worried about being at the conference because I know my co-workers are there if I get to be to sick. They have cared for me in the past when I've become to sick to care for myself. And I know that my physcial sickness is all due to the stress right now. I'm kind of looking forward to going and being away from everything for a few days. I've been thinking really hard these last few days that I need to do something and I need to talk to T when he gets back from his conference next week. I need to do something because I can't live like this. It's become to much and I need help to deal with how I feel. I have bad things that keep racing in my head that are unsafe. But I plan on keeping my safety plan with T. Even though the thoughts are very overwhelming right now. Think that's why I'm so physically sick. I'm fighting these thoughts and the stress of that is what is making me so sick. Somehow I feel like I've failed. I'm not strong. But I'm just to tried to be strong right now. There's that logic kicking in my head. I'm an emotional basketcase and I can't do this right now. I don't want medication, but I'm going to have to swollow my pride and go back on medication. Which makes me feel that I've failed. I just feel like crying and begging for T to help me. I'm so overwhelmed right now. I hurt so much. I just need to make it through these few days at the conference and call T friday when I get back and before he leaves. Sometimes I wish he will use his power and just take charge and place me somewhere because I don't feel like I can make the best choice for my well being right now. The only reason I haven't gone before now is that I don't want to upset my H. I'm worried about what he'll think of me. I try so hard to be strong and act like nothing bothers me. But in actuality I'm very weak and can't manage my life right now. K, this is what's been running in my head all day and all last night.