[darkpurplesecrets]

Tonight I sit here feeling so many things that it is hard to write it down. This weekend things really overwhelmed me to the point I wanted out. A feeling that is still present within myself but not only of me. Feelings of being pushed and like I am unworthy and a burden still screams within. Those within hurting and trying at the same to give to me feelings I am terrified of.

Again today I did not want to go to therapy and knowing that when I do not want to go is when I need to be there the most. I began feeling anger today as I talked to my friend, a feeling that felt so scary and not sure if it was okay. Mixing feelings of anger and fear, a fear I cannot explain and a fear I have never allowed myself to fully get in tough with, much like the anger.

Talking about my family in a way I had not talked before the anger began to rise and something inside myself was needing to talk about it but yet not sure. These were my memories or it seemed so. The anger has been rising for a while now and each time I started to go there I would pull away from it, change the subject, or just turn it off as quickly as it came.

But today was different almost as if it was time and it was not going to step back. Tears were right there as the emotions hit me and it was all I could do to keep myself together. I kept apologizing as if I was going to get in trouble a feeling I have always felt anytime anger came into the picture. My heart was almost racing as I stepped close to the anger.

I felt that talking about my family would somehow give them an excuse for what they did as both my parents grew up in abusive homes and the biggest part of what I have been through. I sat there feeling so afraid, and too afraid to even get ready to leave for therapy. I fought it and tears began to fill my eyes. I felt to close to this feeling, a feeling I have never allowed myself to go to.

This feeling bubbled up within as I felt myself saying things I have never said or at least not in the detail and tone I had ever talked before. As I got ready to walk out my door I felt I wanted to run as if I was going to be in trouble. I hugged my friend almost afraid to let go. Tears filled my eyes as I walked down to the hall to go out to my car.

I felt myself looking around as if someone might see me. A feeling of you are not supposed to be saying anything came over me. As I sat in my car tears were streaming down my face. Something within myself seeming to say we know and fear filled my whole being. As I drove I found myself looking everywhere as if someone might be following me.

I walked into the office and waited a few minutes for my t to come out. Sitting there my thoughts were racing and it felt as though a rush of memories were bombarding me in all directions. I felt as though my head was swirling so fast and my arms felt backwards as if I could not handle anything. My t opened the door and I felt so afraid as I stepped in and he asked me how I was.

I said I was angry, and he said that is good. Not that I was angry but that I was for the first time really getting in touch with anger. I sat in the chair I always sat in and he turned to me and asked about the anger. Something within myself could not hold back and words just started coming out and feelings that I could not hold back. Tears filled my eyes as I talked and it seemed I went from point A to point Z and all points in between.

My t did not stop me at all and he allowed me to just talk and get it out. I felt so out of control and my voice was definite. It had been working up for a long time and finally just had to get out. I felt it was the memories that I held and remembered, but my t thinks that maybe some of the memories were being given and released all at once.

I was shaking and in the pit of my stomach I felt something I had felt as a child----a chilling cold shaking feeling and it felt like it was tightening like it used to out of fear.A feeling of needing to get out and run away came over me. My anxiety hit a high and my t knew I needed to calm before leaving. He was very validating and I felt heard. I know there is a lot more to come and this was just the beginning.

As I left my t’s office I felt this fear of walking outside to my car. Thoughts filling me of what if they are waiting, what if they know somehow. I got to my car and just cried as I drove away to go to physical therapy. I really just wanted to go home. Tears continued to flow as my emotions were riding high. I feared the outside and part of me just wanted to go home again and get behind the locked doors of my apartment.

I went to physical therapy and then straight home. Walking from my car inside I looked around almost feeling the need to hurry. There was no one but within me a fear had come over myself and all I wanted to do was get inside and up to my apartment. Walking in I felt a sense of relief, of safety but only for a moment. I found myself pushing something in front of my door to somehow keep everyone out.

I know this was a good thing and I did feel relief afterwards. But within something feels stirring and I fear the night. I am keeping myself going and trying to stay grounded so that I am aware of what is going on around myself. Something within feels angry and I fear that a call could be made if I do not stay present and knowing what is going on. I am not sure I can sleep as I sit here still shaking.

My t told me today that it was a big step forward and something that I needed to be proud of myself for doing. I am and I know within there is more to come but not tonight. I need to just be sure to stay present and aware so that no one calls or checks in. This fear is one of the fears I have had of allowing the anger to come forth but it is also something that was needed and good.

Inside is scared and I am scared, but we touched it today. It will be worth it someday as we continue to walk this path and allow those within and myself to feel what is there and open more doors to the secrets we hold. I still feel an overwhelming need to not be at times but there is also a part of myself that does not want to be gone. Some kind of a fight so to speak within myself is taking place but I will hold on to what I know----the truth.

dps

[purple_fins]

Oh my gosh!
I hope it's OK for me to be here(having a hard time at the mo)--
I just had to reply......
it's incredible to me that someone else feels so much the way I do,
-- you have described just how anger is for me-- I cant' hardly believe someone else feels like this!
Here:

I was shaking and in the pit of my stomach I felt something I had felt as a child----a chilling cold shaking feeling and it felt like it was tightening like it used to out of fear.A feeling of needing to get out and run away came over me. My anxiety hit a high

that is how come anger is so difficult for some of us. it turns to fear in a split second and then the anger just isn't allowed out.

wonder if it has something to do with numbing so much while growing up-- we aren't used to much of any emotions at all. maybe??

Wow-- your T. sounds very understanding and compassionate., I think that is awesome.
I don't know so much about if/how the progress goes-- but I can relate a bit to how you felt.

I hope you are doing OK today-- if you're like me, it takes a lot out of one to feel what you felt yesterday. If you are feeling a bit drained, or shakey-- please take things slow and be very kind to self-- You perhaps felt something that is quite foreign to the body/mind.

I'm not much of the hugging kind-- but-- I think this really is a time for gentle hugs-- if OK.

respectfully
fins

[justdontknow]

(((((dps)))))

I cried when I read your last line. The truth is something that we can hold onto because we know it and we own it. No matter what anyone says or does, they cannot alter the truth. As I read about your anger and your fear, I could feel the fear welling up inside of me. Getting in touch with the deepest, darkest places that hold those feelings is very scary and unpredictable. I never know what is going to happen when we delve into those spots. But being able to feel your feelings that are associated with those areas of your life and mind is a huge step. For those of us who dissociate to quell our feelings and emotions, actually feeling them and allowing them to be while staying fully present is an achievement of grand proportions. Some people don't understand it when I tell them that I was able to feel my anger or my sadness because they have always been able to feel their feelings. I know that for me, someone else felt them for me if I was unable to at the time.

I am glad that you were able to go to therapy and talk about this. I think I know what you mean by not wanting to go. For me counseling is very draining and it makes me mentally tired and afraid. Facing my past and working to get rid of old programming is very trying for me. It takes every ounce of my strength sometimes. Talking with your T was a great thing for you to do to take care of yourself and I commend you for that. It seems weird to say that, but I know what it is like to not face things and leave them tucked away. It builds my fear. Fear has been the one constant in my life. My counselor calls it my "oldest and dearest" friend just because of how long it has been a part of my existance.

I personally think that tears can be a very good thing. It is a safe way to express emotion and sometimes for me it is the only way to express myself because my words fail me often. I applaud your courage to allow yourself to cry and to feel the emotions associated with the tears.

dps, know that we are here for you and would like to sit by you if that is ok. There are many here who are ready and willing to listen and be your support. Krista, one of my youngers/littles said, "Maybe dps needs Krista sing froggy song. Froggy song make Krista happy." She is so cute and her singing voice is so angelic. If it is ok with you, please imagine her singing you your favorite song, as she would like to do that for you at this time. All the other youngers are sending you their warm fuzzies (little pom pom balls) from the Hotel, and some are sending you their stuffies ("just for a little bit ok?") We need and appreciate you dps. Safe hugs from all of us, to all of you.

Cris and the Hotel

[anderson]

(((DPS)))
your words have helped us in so many ways. The emotions that we feel inside are at time so much like whirelpool. At times we don't like talking about out bio-parents for the same reason. But it did help us to start to let go of them by understanding that it was their choice to repeat the abuse instead of letting it go.
~
When we researched our parents we found out that our bio father was abused as a child. The ironic thing is that our parents lived down the street from each other. So my bio-mother was abused by the same people. Like most times it was not discussed and my grandmother did not acknowledge it or know about it until my bio-mother was an adoult. Only she knows and she took that to the after life with her.
~
The sins of the father or mother do come to rest on the children for when they do not acknowledge or choice to change their action then they teach their children to live by the same rules. My grandmother may not have done right by my mother but she did try to help us. What really happened between these to people only they know but to us our grandmother was a life line.
~
It is hard to let go of the fear and the pain that these people tought us to feel. We to have cried a river of tears for this very reason.
~
Just know that we hear and understand.

[Gus1234U]

Dearest Deepest Dark Purple,,,, one is simply struck speachless,, that is the most profound thing to read,,

[brittfly]

Dear DPS... i cannot say much for you said a great deal... i hear you.. i am sending you safe hugs and warm thoughts. Anger i find is so close to tears and sadness... to us anger is a very scary thing but "healthy" we r learning. It can be very scary when it is huge and never spoken before.... you will get through this to a "better" place... keep talking to t... keep journaling.. writing here... keep in touch with those that are safe. ANGER.. wow.. good for you... i know it is a whole mix of emotions and to feel it brings a whole mix of emotions or so i would think ... did for us at least... keep holding on DPS.. through the waves and the storm... you r doing great work... work that will take you to knew freedom .. new ways of being in the world... new ways with yourself and the others... you are strong dps... very very strong.. u can do this.

I know none of this probably made sense we r lost in our own head at the moment. but wanted to respond. sorry if my words were all over... Just hold on.. keep talking .. feeling... take each wave that you think will drown you and know you will come up for air... the waters will still...

[justdontknow]

How are you doing today dps? I've been thinking a lot about you. I hope you are well.

Cris

[darkpurplesecrets]

I am sorry this is so long as it has taken me days to write this once again trying to find the words swirling around within and to touch these feelings that are so real. Seems all I can do is try to write sometimes for hours between the few words that can come and then leave in an instance. I apologize for the length that came from somewhere but needed to be said. This was not easy to write but so needed to somehow reach forth and keep pushing forward in what feels like a backwards walk. All we can do is be open and honest as painful and hard as it is.

I am not sure where to start or what this may say. This week has been one of the hardest weeks I have faced in a long time. Seems that the anger stirred more than just that and fear. Inside is terrified as am I. Anger is something that was never allowed. The fear beneath the anger is even stronger or so it seems than the anger itself.

The fear lying beneath is screaming through those within as terror of even thinking about being angry out a long feeling and saying it has grasped hold and I myself am feeling very raw and vulnerable. The anger was a good thing, it was needed, it was something that has been coming for a while now and it is justified. But it has taken on a new meaning within.

The nightmares have been unrelenting this week in the little sleep that has been able to be gotten. Waking up shaking feeling as though those who were the ones to instill their fear and punishment seem to be closer than ever before. Feelings of watching all around have not lifted and seem to be getting stronger. But I ask if it is so wrong then why is it just below the surface?

For days I have been dissociating more than I have in a while others stepping forth, taking over, terrified to speak. Smells and odors stronger than ever seeming that father is right in the room with us and almost as if he is sitting right next to me. Those that come forth not saying anything at all and fear gripping all. And where am I during this time?

It seems that I am completely leaving myself as time goes by and I am in one place to come back to another place minutes later, sometimes hours later. The whole day goes by and I cannot remember what I’ve done or where I have been feeling like I am watching many times myself and floating off almost trying to reach myself from a great distance.

I have been shaking so bad as if I am cold yet it is anything but cold in my apartment. Those within that are not of myself taunting and threatening things that gets to us all. Moving the refrigerator in front of the door at night to know that no one will get in. Dreams so real that it feels you could reach out and touch them and not come back.

Calls to t , doing all that we know to stay and yet seeming to be gone without notice or where it is we’ve gone. Knowing that this is part of the healing that must take place in order to move forward yet feeling that we are in trouble for even touching this place. Sitting constantly off and on in our quiet place listening to soothing music that sometimes seems from nowhere to turn into something else.

It takes all we have to write and to get the words from within to without. Sometimes hours go by and I stare at an empty or nearly empty screen, yet the words are spinning within at a rate much too fast for me to even comprehend, yet knowing somehow they have to come out to convey where we are for it seems many times spoken words alone cannot come forth or at least about what we are feeling.

Painting on that mask each day trying to fit into a world that does not hear what we hear, or feel what we feel, or know what we hold. The mask is getting so heavy it is hard to hold up and feelings of shutting down and not leaving the safety of the locked doors grabs hold sometimes holding almost hostage in our mind. Sometimes not even able to make any sense of the very thoughts we have yet somewhere it makes perfect sense but no one knows.

I keep asking myself if nothing happened and I have no feelings then where are these feelings coming from and why are they there? If what they told us was a dream and never happened then why is it so present in every dream or every waking moment? Why are the smells so real as if they are right next to us all over again? All we want to do is be good.

Pain seems to be very present and the body memories are rising high. Trying to hide beneath long sleeves and turtle necks to conceal what seems to appear then disappear just as fast. Make-up can only hide the blackness under the eyes for so long before the sleeplessness seeps through and the red in the eyes from all the tears that seem to be leaking at a constant rate almost stopping and falling again.

Smoking one after another without realizing how many trying to numb something, just anything that would stop what we are feeling for even a moment. Quiet fills this apartment except the hum of the fan and the tap of the keys that comes in spurts before stopping to start again sometimes hours later. And then wondering if it really says anything at all as to where we are or what we feel or if it even makes sense, and afraid to read it back to yourself for you want to step away from the very words that come forth.

They say this is progress and all we can do is hope and believe it is. This feels anything but like forward, as we seem to move backwards through our mind, feeling everything we have never felt before or at least myself. But you keep writing and keep reaching just praying you are doing the right thing and that somewhere you come out on the other side if you keep pushing through not allowing it to engulf you and pull you completely away.

I know this sounds so off the last post made but this is real and honest as we walk through this place we have never been. I knew that one day it would come out that one day I could not stop this anymore. As good as that is, it is also harder than anything to face. The terror lying within still to come is pushing hard. No longer can I swallow hard or push it back into its little space where it was all neatly tucked away for so long and no one knew.

Each day it seems to grow bigger almost overtaking me, each day I feel more and memories seem to be coming faster than I can take. Feels like I am holding onto the edge and it is unraveling and thinning as if it could break and I would fall. I know those within feel it too as we all shake with a fear like it is cold. It is the way fear always felt as if you were cold and you needed to run somewhere just anywhere to hide, to get under cover.

How does one look into someone’s eyes when so much pain lies right where someone could see, when for so long no one ever even knew anything was wrong? Why does it feel as though even yourself is staring into the abyss that almost swallowed you then and it seems to swallow you now but you cannot turn it off like you used to? Each day the anger seems to swell and the fear seems to break the dam. Each day you just wished you would not have another day like the day before.

I will not quit as hard as the pressure within builds at what seems against me there seems to be a pressure within that is pushing back at the same time to not give in. I am weary and so worn out yet trying to keep going. The fall season has stirred deep fears and the colors we see that are beautiful on the outside carry many memories and feelings somewhere lying in the past.

One step, one day, one minute, one second at a time is all we can take but we will keep taking them as long as it takes. Even in the fear and unraveling………………………..

….

Please do not hate me for this being so long, did not even realize it until after we wrote.

(((dps)))
we have no words that are good enough. we wish you didn't have to go through this pain and fear.

[krazy_phoenix]

Pain, painful, eloquent, real, poetic, stirring, honest, raw, exposed, unraveling, courage, so much more.
Thank you , thank you , thank you ... for sharing, for always searching, for your bravery...

You are ... (trying so hard to find adequate words) ... amazingly awesome and then some!

((((((((((((dps))))))))))))

kp

[lonegael]

DPS, I know sometimes in rehabilitative therapy, feeling pain again is a good thing. it means that connections have been made to parts of the body that the brain had forgotten about and given up on that actually are still there and need to start functioning again. No, it doesn't feel good when one has to start moving that arm again, jolting the nerves again... your anger is the limb your brain forgot, but that you need so badly.
I hope with time the nightmares will change, that your tormenter will be stopped and that the tormented will be empowered. As time goes, this often happens, but it takes time. I just want you to know I am filled with admiration for you and what you have done. I don't know if I could ever face that kind of anger and fear and still function at all. HUGGGGSSSSSSS if that's ok, and in any case, all the good wishes i can send.

[DancingAlone]

dps writes (when in therapy):

"I said I was angry, and he said that is good. Not that I was angry but that I was for the first time really getting in touch with anger."

dear wonderful dps. i have written you privately about my own journey in expressing anger and offering hopefully helpful ways to finally release it that don't hurt anyone, especially you. i am too scared still to share those things here, but just wanted to say i hear you loud and clear.

not even to be funny, but short of tying those that hurt us to a stake and lighting the match, there are many "safe" ways to let it all out, so to speak. one i will share here is to write their names on paper. taping them to a wall and throwing darts at them is a good start (also not even to be funny, this anger is serious business and the hurt is too real, as is our hidden desire to see them suffer as they made us suffer), but i also, with much pent up anger, hurt, and bitterness, tear up the pieces of paper with a vengeance slowly for each evil name, and then toss the torn and broken pieces into the trash, dismissing them from my life, out of my mind, forever bannished to oblivion.

even momentarily it can be empowering, allowing a brief respite from the fear of unleashing the rage. each release of anger will bring you closer to closure, and finally blessed relief that they can no longer hurt you anymore.

rants are another way, and written-but-not-sent letters, and other things i shared in my PM to you. am in no way near to solving this dilemma personally, but the anger is so much less, it has exhausted me more than i care to mention to hold it in anymore.

i wish you well my dear friend, and send you love and healing thoughts. your T was right, this is a good step you have reached, you are making progress. please continue to write and share. you are helping this old gal for sure with all that you say. i admire your courage and commitment to heal more than i can say. take care for today, and am wishing hope for all the tomorrows, and wishes for finally letting go of the past for all of us.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Dear Dear dps

Were I close to you I would support you in any way I possibly could, in any way that you would allow. I am proud to know you