[allthegirls6]

Im really caught up in something. I cant go into the details but I know something that someone thinks I dont know and Ive waited for them to say but they havent and now I know they have been lying. And im trying to figure out what to do. And its the hardest thing and driving me mad and pretty soon im going to end up doing something about it and all the time Im trying to hold myself back. But its like a tidal wave at the back of me. You see I met someone that this person knows and they told me some stuff just in convesation (two things) and i could have died when i heard what i heard. And all the girls in me just threw a fit, a total fit. And all the time Ive waited for the other person to tell me. Actually I know two things and both are really important. And it seems to me that the other person doesnt trust me or want to explain something. But im just getting more and more confused and more and more angry and more and more hurt. I dont know what to do, who to turn to or how to resolve this. Meanwhile I have people inside me going absolutely bananas and its like having real danger in me around all of this. I dont know how to get this sorted. Imagine someone going on at me about trust when they are not telling me the truth and all the time I have to shut up cos I shouldnt know what I know but i do know it and i know that both of these things are true. Obviously I cant be trusted. And this person who is telling me to trust them means the world to me and all the time I keep hoping that they will come clean but they havent. But this person is telling me to trust them. Why would someone hold out. Why would someone, who says they never lie and that they never tell me things that are not true, why would this person tell me a thing that i know is not true and not tell me about the other thing? I have all these girls inside crying and screaming about it but I cant say cos I should know the two things that i know.

Audrey

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((audrey and girls)))))))))

can you know this other person that revealed this two things can be trusted have accurate information?

if so, i would certainly discuss this before I got more angry and confused. by the time i was finished mulling it over, i was much more angry, confused and hurt by the time it came out and it was a much worse "scene". is that an option?

it's a hard situation to be in. i'm sorry.

kd

[allthegirls6]

kimmy, I know this person is telling the truth as they had no reason to lie to me and didnt really realise I knew the other person until they had already started. It was just a general conversation and what they told me was not malicious or anything. Just two matter of fact things, that any "normal" person would have been able to cope with. But obviously im not very normal and it hit right at the very softest spot we all have and Im just tearing myself up over it. We all are. Allison and Iris have became inconsolable and Adele is looking for a fight and Snodders has gone into shaking episodes when she come out.

Its such a mess

[kimmydawn]

I'm so sorry. I understand so well. It sounds like this person was trusted and now they're questionable...trust is huge for us. It's a massive trigger when realized. I'm really sorry.

I hope that it's resolved in a way that questions are answered with the least possible hurt.

kd

[allthegirls6]

Thats it, its trust and obviously I cant be trusted. I cant be trusted with anything. This person is supposed to be telling me the truth. Its supposed to be the truth, its absolutley fundamental. I wish I hadnt met the other person who told me this stuff. I wish I could go back and make it unhappen.

I just cant think straight any more. No one can. Its just absolutley floored me. I cant keep the others down for much longer and when Adele gets out there is going to be some real trouble.

Why would someone who knows me and knows how i work be such a way?

It must be becasue i cant be trusted. I cant be trusted

I have many friend. Some of those friends work in the same company together and know eachother. Other times I find out one of my friends for years is actually a firend of one of my friends from a previous job. In fact that just happened to me. A friend that worked in my local store and I were talking and I said one of these days I going to introduce you to a friend of mine that I know you will like. The other friend and I were talking and I said I had was meeting a friend at this store for dinner. the friend worked there. She asked the persons name because she also knew someone there and when I told her the friends first name she completed with the last name. It was amazing It turned out the first time I had met the friend I was having dinner with I was with the other friend years ago. It was so cool and still is. All three of us know we know each other and we all three respect each other. we don't talk about each other while spending time separately with each other. Talking about the person that is not there at the moment when two people of the three sided friendship are together is considered gossip that is usually done when one person has a fight with the other so reviels hurtful information to the person they have no fight with. Responding to that kind of thing usually ends up with the three sided friendship desolving and the two that had a problem with each other "make up" and continue eventually with the friendship. My suggestion. since this person seems to want to reviel info on another when the other is not around don't have contact with the person revieling information alone and also if that person revieling personal information on the other feels its ok to do this then she/he is probably revieling your personal information that you have disclosed to her/him in confidence which is all the more reason to not be in contact with this revieling of confidence friend alone.

As for the already revieled information - Think of it this way- when you talk to all your friends some friends you tell only a little bit to and others you tell alot to. And the information you tell is not told to each and every friend the same way. You tell them based on the type of conversation that is going on. It may nothing to do with how much you trust that person or you are lying or omitting information from and to your friends.

This reminds me kind of like the game where two people go in another room and one person does something. then both go back in the room, you sit in a cirlce and the one that watch the activity done whispers what that something was in a persons ear. They in turn whisper what they heard in the next persons ear and that person whispers it in the next ear. by the time it gets back to the starting point it is no longer what the first person had done because everyone interpretted what they heard differently and out of the context of what the situation was to begin with.

The information revieled may not be a lie just being taken out of context and twisted around to meet the needs of the person doing the revieling to you.

If this was me I would pass it off as - if this is true the person will tell me at some point when she/he is ready. Until then its just like the circle game and Im not going to get pulled into needless gossip or problems.

[allthegirls6]

thanks, but it wasnt quite like that. The person who told me was just chatting, and they didnt tell me a bad thing about this other person. Instead it was just general chit chat, no malice or anything intended.

What i think im trying to say is that had i been a "normal" person i would probably not have had any difficulty with what i was told. But im ever so mixed up and what i was told, innocently and just as part of a general 5 min conversation, has left me feeling at the bottom of the world.

And all i can think is why didnt this other person, who is always telling me to trust them, just come right out and say and we could have talked about it and resolved it. But now its a huge mess, im hurt and left feeling like I dont matter and im not important.

Its such a mess for all of me.

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((girls))))))))))))))

We learn at such a young age that trustworthiness is rare. You trusted this person and found that they'd not been honest.

Yes, trust is huge for us, but that's not our fault. It simply is not. Your issues with trust didn't make this person be not forthcoming.

I'm so sorry for the pain and confusion for you right now. Bottom line...it's not your fault, and I'm sorry it's so hard.

Be safe, sweeties.

KD

Ok lets break this down into managable steps-

three friends:

friend 1= you
Friend 2 = friend that revieled
friend 3= friend with the problem that # 2 came to you about duing the 5 minute chat.

Are you saying

#3 had a problem with you (#1) and went to (#2).

#2 during an innocent talk accidentally told you that #3 was talking about you and a problem with you.

Now you have questions -

Why did #3 talk to #2 about you and the problem that she had with you instead of telling you there was a problem?

What to do to fix the problem?

If I am getting this right first you need to:

sit down with 2.

2 is probably kicking themself in the tush for open mouth and insert foot accidentally and is waiting for the fallout.

Tell him/her thank you for letting you know there was a problem, and you appreciate it, and you understand it was told accidentally and you are going to work it out without revieling the accidental disclosure. The problem is between 3 and you so you are going to keep it that way. ask her if she can do you a favor of If the person comes to her again about situations involving you ask that she tell that friend to discuss the problem with you that way she doesn't get put in this situation again. three people can be friends without having to worry about telling on each other or fighting each others battles accidentally like this.

Then you need to sit down with 3. Let her know that when you care alot for your friends sometimes you like to check in with them to make sure everything is ok with the friendship. Sometimes problems happen where one person is afraid to talk about the problems during the friendship, so you like to take the time with your friends to let them know how much you care for them and that you are there for them no matter what be it a problem in thier lives or a problem with the friendship itself. So tell me how do you think things are going here....

That will open the discussion of your friendship and possible problems she may have with you that you aren't picking up on and she is going to others about, without you having to reviel you know about the problem already.

when she does disclose the problems remain calm. sometimes hearing things about our self is not fun, but it is helpful and how problems get solved in friendships.

[allthegirls6]

This is hard to explain.

I know someone. I will call this person X. But I met another person, a person that i didnt know and had never met before and knew nothing off , I will call this person Y. So i get chatting to Y and it turns out we both know X. Inadvertantly Y tells me " oh did you know that X ........................."

Well I didnt know about this thing, cos X never told me and Ive waited for X to tell me but not a word.

X just never told me and Ive sorta given chances to say and I even asked a direct question about one of the things and I got a lie back.

Its just that X is always telling me about trust and so on. And i feel defeated and a bit ridiculed. Like everyone else knows this thing but noone told me.

[mlyn]

whoa!!!! you are fishing for something you already know from this other person. How honest is that. could you come out and tell this person you already know? if not why not? Is that total honesty?

I see - its not a three way friendship where each knows and does things together.

its a new friendship where you both have a mutual friend. but the three of you havent done anything together as a 3 way friendship yet.

Not knowing you were friends with the other person one person said something about the mutual friend.

I was once in this situation where I was writing on line to two friends. - they did not know between them that I was friends with both of them. one had a problem with the other and not knowing I was friends with both first one came to me and then the other both wanting me to choose sides and talk about the problems that each were revieling to me. Sometimes it was accidental but other times it wasn't. Its natural for people to talk about the other people in their lives, good and bad. But sometimes that ends up in a bad situation. for example-

I ended up in a tug of war between the two friends who didn't know I was friends with both because every time we talked they discussed the other person.

Innocent or not the situaton was driving me nuts. I had to take care of me and put boundries up. I finally had to say enough. and disclose to both of my friends that I was friends with the other and accidentally or not I would not discuss the other person.

I followed through with this by stopping the person right when they mentioned the other persons name. "hey did you know Bonnie.." "I'm sorry to interupt you but I don't discuss other people unless the person is right in the room with me so please save whatever you are about to say until that person you are about to tell me about is here with us"

As for the information that I recieved from each of them about the other - well until that person tells me for themselves it's none of my business.

Yea sometimes finding out someone told someone else something they didn't tell me hurts but the person who didn't tell me may have their own reasons for not telling me - they weren't comfortable, not the right time, It just wasn't the right time. All I can do is remember that I tell my friends things at a pace that I am comfortable with, at a time that I believe is right, and most times its not when they expect it, Some friends know more about me then others do but that is ok. there are no rules to my having friend that say I have to tell them things at their pace and in the same exact order that I do another friend. Each of my friends are unique and so are the things we do together. So when I find out something about one from another I chalk it up to everyone has their own unique friends and friendships. just because one discloses something in one friend ship but not the other doesnt mean a friendship is bad or wrong. I wouldn't want my friends to tell me how and when I should disclose things to them and expect me to do it exactly alike. Their not telling me doesn't make me a bad person. our friendships are unique and if that person wants me to know she will tell me herself until then what I know isn't important otherwise she would have told me. then I turn my attention to just enjoying the time I have with that person as that person is based on what I knew before the disclosue. If Im not able to put that issue on the back burner until the person discloses to me herself I do flat out say I know this. How I know it isn't important but if you want to talk about it Im here and leave it at that. the issue isnt kept a deep dark secret driving me nuts.

One person pm asking about a situation not disclosing who the problem was with. then the other got upset because the first friend was asking other people for help

It certainly sounds like a really tough place to be in, atg. I can understand how it would be upsetting. I do feel that you being honest with the other person is the best step to take. Along the lines of, "x told me that you... and I'm confused" COuld you do that? If not f2f then perhaps by letter or email? I don't know,b ecause this is not a situation where I kow the other person, but it strikes me that anything is better than you tearing up inside as you clearly are. It would give the other person the chance to explain their actions too - maybe they need to aplogise for them, or maybe they have very good reasons for it.
What ever you decide, know that I am here and listening.

[Mahali]

That is a hard situation to be in. When somebody is preaching honesty but you know they are lying the whole time. I assume you are "fishing" to give this person a chance to tell you the truth.

I would agree that coming out and asking would be the best as it seems to be causing so much distress to you.

I also agree it is not your fault that this person is less than honest. We are not at fault for every person's short comings even if we have been taught we are since birth.

Hope you can resolve this and find peace.

((((((((( atg ))))))))