Feeling odd

weird, disconnected, isolated. All my support systems (the ones who are paid to care) are unavailable to me. I feel odd - the thought keeps going through my mind of just giving up, stopping all the meds, stopping trying. Should I?
I dunno.
Going to bed with sleeping tablet and hope tomorrow might look better - if I manage to get some sleep, at last. If only the thoughts would stop. I want to switch my brain off. I relaly want to switch my brain off. Somebody turn off the thoughts, the thinking, jsut for tonight...

((((((((((( Caroline )))))))))))

You should have been given a number for the out-of-hours service. ( Ask your T for the number next time you see him/her)

Hopefully you will get a good nights kip tonight and things will look better tomorrow.

Don't give up.

the local ER is an option. ER's no matter where in the word you are located does medications changes and refills and has a variety of staff therapists, psychiatrists they take shifts so that someone is on duty 24/7 regardless of holidays and weekends when the persons normal therapists and doctors are not available.

The only out of hours service is the local accident and emergency department. Not an option.

thanks though.

Thx myself.

Not going to take that option. It isn't an option for me. The A&E department here only admit people to hospital who are actively suicidal or psychotic (and not always them). I guess there is a psycho on call but I've no trust inthem. I'd rather do it all my way.l
I'm safe - just hurtinga nd confused and messed up.

See my T on Tuesday - ahve jsut sent him an email to warn him how I'm feeling. The deputy head today suggested that I could take some time off if I needed it. But why have I gone so far down so quickly? It really does feel like some bizarre self-sabotage.

maybe you are trying to do too much too fast. Working on the co-conscious and integration process (remaining aware - not dissociated while remembering and experiencing the memories that were separated and stored at the unconscious level is hard. SKR and I had to take lots of breaks in between using my triggers and my remaining aware while expoeriencing the memories that got triggered into rerunning.Try taking every other therapy session and doing something therapeutic but relaxing and enjoyable. Something that will keep all of your senses involved but not something that is geared towards reaching for unconscious pieces of memories. My present therapist LL and I have put doing relaxation visualizations into my therapy sessions. It gives us both a break. She reads from a book called invisable heroes and other relaxation visualization books and I sit back and most times come close to going to sleep. SKR and I would break up our hard work sessions with meeting at the library doing research, play games and find on line support groups.

I don't know what LL's and my next session is going to be It may end up just fun, work or a mixture of both. Its an activity that I have never done. mixing relaxation visualization techniques with a sand tray and toys -little people, objects and so on. this could be intersting. It was really weird how we came to do this. we did not plan it at all. she had just wrote out my appointment card and I noticed this mini (3x5 recipe card sized) sand box displaying a summer scene and I had the urge to touch the white sand in it and while I was feeling the sand she told me that in one of the other buildings the agency owned there was a good sized sand try and asked if I would like to use it, it comes with "toys" and things and relaxation visualization activities. While I was still thinking about it she got on the phone to the other building and found out when the next time it would be available and it turned out the next time was exactly on our next therapy session appoointment date and time. I couldn't pass that coinsidence it was like it was meant to be so LL and I are going to go play in the sand box and see what happens. LOL.

Therapy isn't always just the hard stuff. Maybe this is your bodys way of saying ok its time for something light and easy.

Maybe you have something there..... a form of self sabotage?

(((((((((((( Caroline )))))))))))))))

Don't give up!! Never, never, never, never give up! Never!!! There is always a tomorrow. There is always hope. You've had a long, tiring week. Hang in there.

Love and hugs,

Jan

Caroline.... there should be some type of emergency services for mental health..... I will be holding you in my daily intentions....

Caroline,
I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. I wish there were someone you could talk to. You can remember that we are here.

Hugs,
Songbird

Yhx myself.

Not sure aobut the pace of change - maybe that is part of it. Pressure at work is definitely another part. But the fact that I have not been sleeping well is a clear sign to me that something is wrong. I guess I have fought in a way to do something hard in every T session, because I know I have such a limited number of them.

Maybe Fuzzy. I dunno. Suggested it to my T though, by email.

Ty Jan. I'm not giving up. Managed to get some sleep lat night; have put all meds back to full. Going to try to crack through the work this weekend and see if I can feel a bit more in control.

thank you for the hugs.

Thank you Lilith. I agree that there should be, but there really aren't for me.


This too shall pass, I hope.

I am glad you finally got some sleep. I hope this weekend is better for you. I am glad you are taking the meds as prescribed. Please take care.

((( Caroline )))

Glad you managed to get some sleep, and maybe not have so much stress over the weekend.

Please ask your T about the Out-of-hours service phone number, there should be someone you can contact in your area.

The Samaritans are available too, if you need to talk. ( You don't have to be suicidal, or give your name.)

...And Psych Central of course.

Take care.

Thank you bpb. I still feel shattered today, but hope the increase in meds will enable me to cope.

Thank you songbird and daisy.
I'm glad you are back here.

Thank you again pegasus.

I have asked T and psychiatrist about out of hours support. They both told me there is none. If I feel suicidal I am to go to the Accident and Emergency dept. That's it.
Yes, I've used Samaritans before. Just didn't feel right this time. But thanks for the reminder.

((((Caroline))))
Hang in there. I like the idea of not working so hard at each session. We have slowed down some because things are getting stirred up because of son's wedding. Working on relaxation and staying present. Stress causes us to be ungrounded and very very dissociated.
W_I

Thank you W_I. I mentioned to T that I wondered whether my trying so hard to change things was working against me in my email I sent. He's always trying to get me to take things slowly, but I just feel the need to push on. If only it weren't the case that I know there is a limit on the sessions I can have with him.

As for the stress, I'm getting that in mega doses at work, and that is definitely part of the problem.

Feel whacked out tonight. Just want to go to bed - but it isn't even 6pm yet.

Don't think about how many sessions you have. Just do what you need to do. If you push too hard you may end up in a worse place then you started. If your T is telling you to slow down, listen. Listen to your body, your mind, your insiders. Alot of chaos for me means things are getting way too stirred up or going too fast.
Tha'ts why, even tho we want to keep going, our T has put on the brakes to heavy stuff till wedding is over. Good move I guess.

(((((((( Caroline )))))))))))

Slow down if that's what you need to do. Rome wasn't built in a day. Change takes time. I'm don't always follow my own advice though, but I do recommend it.

Many hugs,

Jan

Caroline,

It is tough stuff. Your T sounds really good and taking his advice kind of takes the pressure off of you. Relax for the evening if possible.

Thank you, W_I. I'll try. I think I have been pushing myself hugely. I got some more self help books recently, including one on schema therapy, which is one of the strategies my T has spoken about. Maybe I have been trying too hard...