[Claritytoo]

Actually I have been having a few bad days in therapy. I don't usually go to therapy but I am the one taking care of business at the moment. I hate therapy. I don't want to go to therapy. Confusing ****ing questions and aggravating conversation. I ****ing hate it. All it does is make me angry.
So why not stop????? Because when I am not the one in charge I don't give a **** if we are in therapy. I don't have to say a ****ing thing. And I know that the host doesn't want to stop going. So I will **** everything up if I just never go to therapy again. He wants to go and he will be in-charge again at some point. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGGG. I just want to explode. I just have to keep in mind it's for 45 minutes a week. That's it. 45 ****ing minutes a week. I have to figure something out to make this doable.

[Claritytoo]

Had a bad day. Feel better today.

[Claritytoo]

I know this will sound obvious but at this moment I am trying to stay but my circumstances call for someone else so he has been pushing forward. I feel like I am in a tug of war. He is not bad but he is not warm. He does what needs to be done. thats important. I just feel like I am pulling apart.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Claritytoo

Actually I have been having a few bad days in therapy. I don't usually go to therapy but I am the one taking care of business at the moment. I hate therapy. I don't want to go to therapy. Confusing ****ing questions and aggravating conversation. I ****ing hate it. All it does is make me angry.
So why not stop????? Because when I am not the one in charge I don't give a **** if we are in therapy. I don't have to say a ****ing thing. And I know that the host doesn't want to stop going. So I will **** everything up if I just never go to therapy again. He wants to go and he will be in-charge again at some point. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGGG. I just want to explode. I just have to keep in mind it's for 45 minutes a week. That's it. 45 ****ing minutes a week. I have to figure something out to make this doable.

Im wondering if "anger and expressing anger" is what your job, purpose and reason for being. if so may I say you are doing a great job for your host and internal system.

[Claritytoo]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

Im wondering if "anger and expressing anger" is what your job, purpose and reason for being. if so may I say you are doing a great job for your host and internal system.

My job is to take care of chaos. I am able to pull my **** together and make quick decisions and get things done. I don't think my job it to be angry. I don't have a lot of patients and I don't like to feel confused. I am quick to get angry and when I do I don't keep it to myself. Sometimes you have to be able to be tough in order to get things done. My anger is a way to stay focused and not let ******** get in the way.

[Claritytoo]

I have to see my therapist tomorrow and already I am getting worked up. It's going to be a long ****ing day. I need to be out right now because of all the **** going on. Until therapy I didn't realize I wasn't me. ****ing therapy

[Claritytoo]

went to session today. Someone else started off talking but wouldn't repeat what I was saying so I said what I wanted to the therapist. I felt good after. I didn't get out of hand. Last session I thought I would explode this time I was angry and annoyed but I didn't feel out of control. I still don't want to talk during therapy and will probably go through all these feelings next week but I didn't lose control. That was something I was afraid of . My host asked me if I would hit my therapist and I realized I wouldn't. I don't have those types of feelings toward her. I think that lowered a lot of the anxiety the others were having. Also I took my medication later in the day about an hour before session. That might have helped. It has been good for me to be able to put my thoughts down. This site helps me sort things out just by being able to write them.

[likewater]

it sounds like you did very well.

[Claritytoo]

Thank you likewater. I do have one confusing thing that happens and that is sometimes I don't know who I am. I don't know if I am the same one who starts a conversation and someone else who ends the conversation. While talking to my therapist today I began with a lot of profanity while expressing my thoughts. I continued with the profanity but at some point I did know why I was cursing. I am not sure what happened. I continued to use profanity but I wasn't sure why. It made me feel fake. But I was saying what I was feeling just all of a sudden I was surprised and a little embarrassed by the use of profanity. Does that sound like something you have heard before? I don't think I switched. I just don't know what happened. It sort of freaked me out a bit.

[Astridetal]

We can relate tot that feeling of not knowing who you are. Usually when Astrid is hosting but someone else is near the front, she doesn't know who she is.

Wanted to say you did a good job in therapy. You not wanting to go seems to make sense, since you say you're there to deal with chaos, and therapy may stir up chaos. I could be wrong though.

[Claritytoo]

Originally Posted by Astridetal

We can relate tot that feeling of not knowing who you are. Usually when Astrid is hosting but someone else is near the front, she doesn't know who she is.

Wanted to say you did a good job in therapy. You not wanting to go seems to make sense, since you say you're there to deal with chaos, and therapy may stir up chaos. I could be wrong though.

I explained to my therapist that I was concerned that therapy would make me ineffective at a time when I am needed to deal with chaos in our lives. I don't understand therapy and I find it confusing. I am not sure what it will do. I suppose that causes me to be afraid. And that would than get me angry. Usually if I feel afraid I get angry. I don't ever want to be afraid of anything or anyone. I will never live in fear. And I can make sure that happens. My therapist told me that grief causes anger but she is wrong. For me fear causes anger and the more afraid I get the angrier I can be. Grief causes sadness. And they are not the same. Grief is in my head and it causes me to feel tremendous sadness in my body and soul. I don't see how grief causes anger. If you do, please explain to me.

[sabby]

Grief causes a number of different emotions. When you are dealing with grief, these emotions come in different times and can feel very immense.

Your t is right, grief does, or can cause anger. Underneath the anger are a lot of other emotions. It's okay to feel the anger and to express it in safe and healthy ways. When you can do this, the other emotions will come through in time and you can learn to deal with them as well as with the anger.

Of course grief causes sadness as well. You are right about that. And there may be times when you go back and forth between the emotions that grief causes.

Please try not to be afraid to feel your emotions. Feeling them and dealing with them won't take away from what you need to do to live life. They will help you be more aware and that's a good thing!

[Claritytoo]

This is what I am talking about. Today I didn't want to go out even though I have things to do. I didn't want contact with people or to have to drive in traffic. I am not weak but I don't feel strong. I have spent the entire day hiding, sleeping and being on the computer. The idea of noise like conversation or any sort of noise is stressful for me. Right now my dog's tags are making a noise and I am bothered by that. She is in the other room and it sounds like she is in my ear. I just want everything to go slower. So I stayed in. I am not sure if this is the fallout of my session yesterday but this is certainly not a way for me to be in order to get things done. I am going to try to push myself tomorrow. But just thinking of that makes me anxious. It's all just too loud right now. I think I'll hide.

[Claritytoo]

Well I pushed myself and today was a much better day. I still am not sure about continuing therapy. It might be reasonable to take a break for a few weeks. I am sure that once the chaos is over someone will bring us back to therapy and we can continue working on our issues. But right now I think it gets in the way.

[sabby]

Clarity, is the chaos coming from touching on certain subjects in therapy that are triggering? Are any parts of you afraid of what might be found out in therapy?

Therapy can be really hard to go through. It's a very difficult process to go through when you begin learning things about yourself(selves). It can be scary and chaos can happen.

My thought is that when it becomes this difficult, that is the time that you really need to go to therapy. It's a good way to work on those difficult things so that you all receive good knowledge and also help to work through the fear. The only way to get past the fear is to face it and move forward through it hon. I hope you will reconsider stopping therapy for awhile. Talk to your therapist about wanting to take a break, see what your t thinks about it, then make your decision from there okay?

Wishing you only the best....

[Claritytoo]

Originally Posted by sabby

Clarity, is the chaos coming from touching on certain subjects in therapy that are triggering? Are any parts of you afraid of what might be found out in therapy?

Therapy can be really hard to go through. It's a very difficult process to go through when you begin learning things about yourself(selves). It can be scary and chaos can happen.

My thought is that when it becomes this difficult, that is the time that you really need to go to therapy. It's a good way to work on those difficult things so that you all receive good knowledge and also help to work through the fear. The only way to get past the fear is to face it and move forward through it hon. I hope you will reconsider stopping therapy for awhile. Talk to your therapist about wanting to take a break, see what your t thinks about it, then make your decision from there okay?

Wishing you only the best....

I don't understand therapy or know what effect it will have on my ability to do my job. Right now I am needed to do my job and can not risk losing my edge. Because I am out I am the one that now has to take us to therapy. Last session I thought my therapist baited me into talking. She said no but I still think she did. We have a therapy appointment this week. I am going to try to see if someone else can go. I tried last session but my therapist said some things I disagreed with so I called her on them. I will try again this week and see what happens. If I think I will become ineffective because of therapy I will take a break. At least until some of my personal stuff settles down. Thanks for the advice.

[sabby]

I can appreciate your efforts! Just remember that it's okay if you and your t disagree about some things. I think it's important to keep as open a mind as you can and just listen to what t has to say and I certainly hope that she gives you the same in return.

I'm glad you are willing to see if there is someone else who would want to go to therapy....that's good communication and working with others within.

[Claritytoo]

Originally Posted by sabby

I can appreciate your efforts! Just remember that it's okay if you and your t disagree about some things. I think it's important to keep as open a mind as you can and just listen to what t has to say and I certainly hope that she gives you the same in return.

I'm glad you are willing to see if there is someone else who would want to go to therapy....that's good communication and working with others within.

Thanks again for the advise. I do have a tendency to feel defensive and than no consider anything she is saying. Sometimes later in the day I will rethink therapy and see she may have had a point. I am not used to accepting help. Or even asking for it. I am not always sure to go about letting someone help me because a huge part of me believes and knows we don't need anybodies help. We work things out for ourselves. But another part understands that our t has helped us already and we need her in order to learn more about us. The conflict is exhausting.

[sabby]

I do have a tendency to feel defensive and than no consider anything she is saying. Sometimes later in the day I will rethink therapy and see she may have had a point.

I so understand what you are saying. You have had to be the one to "fix" everything and do everything for so long and it's worked for you and the others for the most part. So to hear t giving you different ideas can definitely make you feel defensive. The wonderful thing is that you take the time to think about what t said later on and you give what she said some weight. Please know as well that t is not trying to make you defensive or give you a hard time.

I am not used to accepting help. Or even asking for it.

You are certainly not the only one who has ever struggled with this. What do you think might happen if you accepted someones help? What do you think might happen if you even asked for someones help? Is there a fear within you about asking or accepting help from others?

We work things out for ourselves.

I'm really glad that you can all work things out between you. Do you think that by asking for help or opinions from others would make it so that you are not working it out for yourselves? I think that having as much information as possible is a good way to make sound decisions.

But another part understands that our t has helped us already and we need her in order to learn more about us. The conflict is exhausting.

I think that is good insight on the other part. I think you may find that even though it's exhausting for you now, in time there will be more understanding inside which will help reduce the conflict that is occurring right now.

It's hard to change how you think about things. It's hard to even imagine that things could change for the better when you have been so used to how things have always been done. One thing I learned a long time ago....there is more than one good way to do something. We just have to face that fear and take the step needed in order to open our minds to the positive possibilities.

I believe you are doing your best to handle life and protect yourself and all inside. That is your job and you step up to the plate. I hope you know that I appreciate what you are doing and I also appreciate this opportunity to talk with you here.

Take good care!

[Claritytoo]

Just an update. We went to session today and someone else was at session. He is more thoughtful and strong just not as angry. More reflective. Last night was not so good. Just thinking about todays session created a lot of anxiety. The session wasn't warm and fuzzy but we went and no one got angry. We are glade we went. And we don't have to go again for another week. Good deal.

[Claritytoo]

I have been having a huge debate in my head about continuing therapy. Just now I realized I don't think we have time to go to therapy because there is so much to do after Sandy. I am in that frame of mind I was in when I was working. That I don't have the time to focus on us. That I need to focus on the task at hand. It's odd. I am not sure that I need therapy. I am convincing myself that we don't have time, we function fine, we have what we need to get things done etc. What I am not considering is the lack of emotional depth that I have at this moment. And that that is was this lack of emotional depth that moved me toward therapy. It is very confusing it have such opposite points of view. Both are right. This is going to take a lot of thought. But I am going to have to make a decision because having this conflict in my head is distracting and makes decision making difficult. In the past I would just turn one off and move forward. but now that I know these thoughts are alters it is difficult to just turn someone off. All of a sudden I have to consider each thought as it's own entity with it's own way of living life. I could just ask one to wait for the urgency to pass. But the other wants us to go to therapy. And not going to therapy may cause me to never return to therapy. It's just a constant loop of thoughts that is very draining. I feel like I need to make a decision about therapy. One continue to go and not do the work I need to or stop going and tend to urgent tasks. I went to session this week and bs'd my way through. I was like talking t someone on the grocery line. You talk but with out a purpose except to pass time. I have to decide if I am going to keep going to session and just pass time or take a break from session and see how I feel.

[sabby]

Having that tug of war in your head can sure be time consuming and exhausting I'm sure. It's not all too different for us singletons at times you know. When something comes along that we need to figure out, we, too have different thoughts, pros and cons and feelings at different times as well before we make decisions. They may sound different to a multiple or have different degrees of exhaustion etc, but they can be very similar as well. I said that because I wanted you to know that we all struggle at one time or another in that realm.

Would it be possible for all of you to compromise? How about going every other week to therapy instead of every single week so that you can get some other work done? I think it's important that you still go to therapy. I wonder too if you are looking for some excuses to not go? Could that be possible?

Have you talked with t about this at all? I think if you do, you may get some help from t in making your decision.

[Claritytoo]

Originally Posted by sabby

Having that tug of war in your head can sure be time consuming and exhausting I'm sure. It's not all too different for us singletons at times you know. When something comes along that we need to figure out, we, too have different thoughts, pros and cons and feelings at different times as well before we make decisions. They may sound different to a multiple or have different degrees of exhaustion etc, but they can be very similar as well. I said that because I wanted you to know that we all struggle at one time or another in that realm.

Would it be possible for all of you to compromise? How about going every other week to therapy instead of every single week so that you can get some other work done? I think it's important that you still go to therapy. I wonder too if you are looking for some excuses to not go? Could that be possible?


Have you talked with t about this at all? I think if you do, you may get some help from t in making your decision.

Before I became aware that I had alters I would just tell the voice/thought that wanted to continue therapy "enough" and stop therapy. It always felt like the voice/thought would just cross their arms and sit waiting until we returned to therapy. At least that was my visual in my head. I thought everyone went through similar dialogue in their head. Over the last year or so I have gotten to know my parts in more detail. So it is not so easy to say enough and move on. But I do understand that everyone has tough decisions to make and have to go through a similar process in their head. Just without separate parts. I think it is good advise to have a conversation with my t about the conflict, but I already know she does not think I should stop therapy. I haven't told anyone else about my DID so I am left to make this decision on my own. And yes to your last question. There is a part of me that constantly looks for reasons to stop therapy. That is what makes this decision so difficult I can't seem to sort out the true motivation. I am needed to get the job done and can't be popping in and out because of therapy but another part of me is saying I am using Sandy as an excuse to bail on therapy. And around and around I go. For now I think I will continue to go to therapy until I have clear decision. One were we all agree on. This is the only thing I can do right now. But a big part of me is not happy about this.

[sabby]

((((((((((( Claritytoo )))))))))))

I think you have made a good decision to continue with therapy for the time being at least. And you know, it's okay that a big part of you is not happy with this decision.

Is it possible that the parts of you that don't want to go to therapy are afraid of things changing? They have their jobs so to speak and they may be afraid that those jobs will no longer be needed. If that is the case, there are always other jobs that they can do to help the "whole" of you live a good and safe life. It takes time to figure these things out and it takes gumption as well.

I'm really glad you will continue with the therapy. We all need an outlet where we can be safe enough to look at and deal with the yucky stuff. You will be okay Claritytoo....trust in your decision.

[Claritytoo]

Originally Posted by sabby

((((((((((( Claritytoo )))))))))))

I think you have made a good decision to continue with therapy for the time being at least. And you know, it's okay that a big part of you is not happy with this decision.

Is it possible that the parts of you that don't want to go to therapy are afraid of things changing? They have their jobs so to speak and they may be afraid that those jobs will no longer be needed. If that is the case, there are always other jobs that they can do to help the "whole" of you live a good and safe life. It takes time to figure these things out and it takes gumption as well.

I'm really glad you will continue with the therapy. We all need an outlet where we can be safe enough to look at and deal with the yucky stuff. You will be okay Claritytoo....trust in your decision.

Thanks for your kind words. It has been helpful to me over these past days. I don't find fear in my alters wanting to lose their jobs. I think most if not all understand that we are one and integrating just means that everyone comes home instead of being separated. The fear seems to be in remembering. I have a very strong few who are there to keep me from knowing. I can surmise what might have happened when I was three but I don't know for sure. I don't have a memory from that time. I have occasional images of being abused but I have no conformation that they are real. The other day I was upset. I was feeling like I needed to hide. All of a sudden I starting repeating over and over in my head that I was bleeding and that there was blood on me. I was little. And the thoughts just ran over and over. I was afraid and very young. That is all I got from those thoughts. I am not even sure they were memories. But the fear felt real. Very real. I did not talk about this with my therapist. I am always concerned that if the images and thoughts are not real I might make them real by talking about them. I am waiting for my system to let me see and remember what happened in terms that I can not doubt. I believe my system knows what we need to heal. To move forward. But I have to admit I felt a lot of gripping fear when I had those thoughts. I am willing to feel what ever I need to in order to have us back together.