[Evangelista]

Please take care upon reading this post..I am frustrated and tired..and wantd to get a few things out of my head..maybe it will help to vent a little..or alot..

What being DID means to me that is us

1. Never quiet reflections…always vocal multiple perception, interpretation, and commentary
2. Lack of social connection with people, fearing that a shard of the broken mirror will appear and others will see what I try so hard to hide, and they will take me away to be a prisoner of the inner keepers, mute, blind, and unbearable pain
3. Inability to handle negative emotions without an internals taking control of them, either by making them disappear, or making me disappear, or use some other defense mechanism..like hallucinations, dissociation
4. Playing a role, a role we play well, to bad when we are not playing I am living in hell
5. Inability to look people in the eyes, unworthy, ashamed, frightened, small
6. Constant conflict with rational self and irrational selves
*asking my Therapist to show us his hands the others want to see if there is any
blood on them
*talking but not speaking, seeing but not looking
*monsters..monsters..in the dark they are there..they really are..
7. Lost, missing parts of my past as if my life’s story had been written with invisible
ink..there are pages which are blank and whole chapters that are empty, except for
a Polaroid image of an event..no beginning no end..just the image
8. Fear that one day someone will kill me and it will be me only not
9. Suffering with images, the kind that young minds should never had to see, and the old one refuses to except, the layering of parts, the nightmares, the daymares
10. Body memories, somatics assaults to the here and now from the then and there
the ability to live in the past, blank pages, empty chapters, grasping, clawing,
needing for the images to stop, but calmly looking thru the soul’s windows out
into a world which isn’t real, and maybe never will be…

I miss my mom..I want to go home, oh wait, you have no home, and you have no mom, your dad killed and then in the end you killed your dad, and no one cares about how much you hurt..but we understand and will always be there, you are a Throwaway..and alone..and never alone..trust only us, only we understand..only we understand..only we understand..echos..always echos..why do they tell me it will be alright when it doesn't feel alright..it never feels alright..sometimes it doesn't feel anything…

But I truly don’t think anyone else but another DID could really ever understand how it is to live our lives as a sane crazy person..and hear the silent screaming…

[OneAndMany]

Wow, ((((((((((((((((((((((Evangelista))))))))))))))))))))))))), this is a terribly wonderful description. I haven't walked in your shoes, but I understand so much of this and find that my DID is experienced in many of the same ways. Well, pretty much most of 1 through 10.

Thank you for sharing this with everyone. It makes me feel so much better to know that someone else feels the way I feel, even though I wouldn't wish these feelings on anyone else.

From another sane crazy person,

Elizabeth

[wanttoheal]

((((((((((((((((Evangelista))))))))))))))))

Wow, yea, exactly. You write so well, you said it so well. It's exactly that and more isn't it, depending on the day.

Add to the screams, the constant inconsolable crying...

I completely understand Evangelista but I sure wish you did not. I wish I could take it all away from you, from all of us.

Thank you for expressing what so many of us are unable to.

Peaceful days do not exist, but I wish you calmer thoughts and gentle breezes. I am a good listener if you need to talk. Please feel free to PM me. I understand.

[LILITH]

Evangelista, I am right there with you...... I am so sorry.....It takes so much to complete a day......so days I don't think I go any further ...... take good care....

[hillbunnyb]

hard work

[January]

((((((((((( Evangelista ))))))))))))

I am so sorry you are in pain.

Hugs,

Jan

[Rhapsody]

I feel and know your PAIN all to well....... May we be made whole when we return home to heaven, on Gods terms, not ours.


LoVe,
Rhapsody - (((( hugs ))))

[Evangelista]

Thank you..each and everyone..your comments and words of comfort are very much appreciated..and to those that just view and can't post..I know your there..I can hear you breathing..smile...its ok...its a struggle, but it will be ok...one day at a time, when it gets really bad.. hour by hour..moment by moment..when it gets unbareable..and then I come here and see the amazing Survivors, sharing, caring, and patching others peoples sinking ships when their own boat is taking on water by the buckets...and I stand humbled and again very appreciative..take care everyone..

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((((((Evangelista))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry for the struggle. It does get better. It really does.

I've noticed, in my journey, that there are many "plus's" to DID as well in my life. Overall, though, it's very difficult until... Heck, I'm at the "until" and it's still difficult at times, but so much less confusing an existence.

I so understand.

KD

[Evangelista]

(((KD)))

Thank you....your support and guidance mean so much..

((((((((((((((Evangelsita))))))))))))) Hang in there. Like Kimmy said it does get better and there are good sides to it too.

Like the nonstop voices memorys - they used to bother me but yet because I have those voices running a non stop commentary I can do more then one thing at the same time becasue my brain is constantly making the matches to my present life to the sored memories. For instance today I cleaned out my "office" closet looking for some project stuff that I need to take with me thursday to therapy, besides looking for that stuff I also sorted out toys because my "nephews" (friends children but they call me Aunt) had a problem picking up the toys last time they were here so I fashioned shelves in my office closet and sorted the toys according to groups of what sets went together and so on and put them on the shelves so that they can see at a glance their options instead of dumping the whole toy box to get that one item that they want, I also uploaded some pictures on my computer, and also talked by three way calling with a few members of my real time support group because they were doing some work in a few workbooks and wanted to create a project simular to one of mine I did. I was able to do all these things at the same time because instead of my thinking about how to do them I just started doing them and just kept followning the voices that I heard. My therapist thought it was great when I took my crocheting birthday presents last summer in because she got to see first hand that I was able to stay on thrack of the discussion, not miss a stitch because I wasn't looking at the crocheting that I was doing, plus I was able read and comprehend a paper for the depression management class that we were doing one on one.

I can use relaxation visualizations and actually mentally experience that visualization to the point where I feel the warmth of sunshine, or the cool breeze, each body part ror muscle group elaxing separately.

I can take relaxation visualizations to the point of putting it to work like in my memory recall work. Nornal people have to train for months to be able to do that where as I am there pretty much in a snap.

I dont and didn't have lack of social connections with people. being DID actually works in my favor. I have friends I don't even know I have because I made those friends while I was on the autopilot of memory pieces. For example in the mary memory pieces I have one group of friends, in the memory piece of Katherine I have another group of friends and yet with the memory piece of Tracy I have another group of friends. One time in the depression management group we had this activity of putting our various types of relationships (friends, family, doctors, lawyers, therapists and so on) on a circular form and just the onging present friendship section I had 96 names listed because I have so many variety of friends because I have DID.

I also don't have the problem of eye contact because I am DID. I have always been watchful of facial expressions and facial twitches, eye ball and lid positions (open, closed squinted, anger filled glares and so on), other body postures and expressions. I win staring contests games hands down, know what someone is thinking just by paying attention to their face and eyes because a person may be able to verbally say one thing and their body language will always tell me the truth.

I don't have the fear of somone inside killing me or that I will be whole but not me because my memory pieces are just pieces of the memories of me. either way - remembering what those memories are or not remembering what those memories are its still all me. I'm not possessed by spirits and ghosts and so on.

I have loads of flashbacks (body sensations, vistual pictures, and so on but instead of fighting against them I welcome the flashbacks because they are what tells me what the unremembered memories are. So I use flashbacks as a tool instead of an inconvienent or painful happening.

I don't consider my memory pieces as irrational. To me the word irrational means makes no sense. Well my pieces of memories are there for a reason. By separating my memories my brain saved my life and sanity. So instead when I hear something that does not seem to make sense I look around to locate the reason that memory is replaying.

Hang in there. (((((((((((((Scully))))))))))))))

[Evangelista]

(((Myself)))...Thank you...for explaining and reinforcing how everyones system is really different...your support and insight again is very appreciated...I can see where you have adapted so much of your internal mechanisms and interact with the outside world, so much better than I have learned..yet...there is hope, I know it takes time..I have been in Therapy for almost 2 years..the 1st year has been grounding work, learning how the system operates, mapping alters, still there are a few surprises even at this point, now we are doing the Trauma work.

I am very much an observer, I would think most with a background of chronic abuse are, like you stated looking for body and enviromental triggers as to what to expect...but for the most part I do not like looking people in the eyes..just part of my issues..we are working on it in Therapy...part of the dissociative process..it makes it very hard to concentrate and focus on the persons face, at least for me..but I am getting better..at least I am not staring at the floor anymore...well at least not very much...interestingly I have a very artistic side, and alot of my drawings, and works reflect the eye somehow...in a macab way..mmmm..maybe I need to have that analyzed....

thanx so much (((Mulder)))..hope your project is going well !!!!

Yes it will come in time. The way I learned to listen to the voice memories was that during therapy SKR asked me to answer her questions and let her know when the static and voices was changing - louder in volume, more of then and so on. And she was always asking what I was hearing. After a few times it just became habit for me through out the day and in journal writing to pay attention to the voices and writing down what I was hearing, what I was doing when the voices and static changed.

The rest of the stuff wasn't me adapting. it just came naturally as in I have always used relaxation visualizations. I just didn't know thats what dissociation was. Whenever anything upset me I went off to float in my tunnel area (the feeling of being far away but yet watching what was going on) or off flating in la la land (my daydream mental safe place. It wasn't until I was doing all my research that I found out that daydreaming myself out of the situations was dissociation which was using relaxation visualizations. I was always playing "pretend to be this character or that charecter from the books that I was reading or pretending to be my favorite singer when ever I got hit or other types of abuse when I was upset about something that was going on ." which again is the natiural act of using relaxation visualizations which is the act of dissociating.

The first time I tried to put relaxation visualizations to work as LL calls what I do was when I was reading this book by a DID person and in it it said her therapist could talk to her when she was her alters and it just amazed me that, could happen. (at that point I was still scared of the label DID so SKR hadn't revieled yet that she has been talking to me when I was in my la la land.) So that night I laid there in bed trying to force "Mary" to come out. I'd read that page, then lay down and say ok I want to have "Mary" come out. and no matter how I laid there and said to come out there was no "mary" standing in front of me. That made me even more deturmined. I hit the local library and researched the author until I located her and sent an email off to her asking how she was able to do that, if there was more involved in the process then what she put in her book. The next day I recieved an email telling me how she did it. It turned out that I was trying too hard. And she could not see her alter and I would not be able to see my alter when it did happen which it was most likely already been happening since the first time that I dissociated during an abuse situation. Her process was to just let nature take its course she relaxed with a focus point and at the same time her therapist asked her questions and when he got to the topic that was upsetting her, she naturally got triggered into switching from being fully aware to acting out that memory her therapist wanted to know more about. And then she gave me her therapist name and contact information and told me if she could help me or my therapist in any way feel free to contact her again. So then I took that email to SKR and told her what I was trying to do, She thought that funny in a good way and then revieled that she has already talked with me many times when I was off floating in la la land. From then on instead of my trying to adapt to my DID I just let things happen naturally and used that.

As for friendships again I didn't adapt because I had DID. DID starts in childhood. All I knew back then was I'm scared hurt whatever Im goinng to la la land. I didn't say Im going to la la land so that I can make friends. It just happened naturally that those around me when I did go off to la la land came over and played with me. I remember this one time I became aware and I was at a friends house and we were in her room listening to music and she said "you know I like you better when you are pretending to me this singer because you have a great voice and you are so funny" I had no idea who she was and what we were supposed to be doing and why I was in her room. I just thought ok she wants me to pretend to be this singer ok why not, at least until I figure out what the hell is going on. Then because I wasn't singing like she was used to we decided to go outside and play baseball with her brother. Course I didn't know I liked baseball either and struck out and apparently her brother too knew me VERY well. But having this situation happen to me was natural. People were always coming up to me and talking to me like they have known me forever and I had no idea who they were. One time I was in a public place and this adult person came over and started talking to me and knew about something no one else out side the family knew (a health problem) I went to my parents and told them someone had approached me and when I pointed the person out it turned out to be a doctor who took care of my health problem the day before. It wasn't until I was diagnosed DID that I found out that having friends and people that I dont know know me was part of having DID. I didn't have to adapt or learn how to do it. it just happened.

I didn't adapt or learn how to watch people faces either. that just happened naturally. Its instinct for children who have been abused to be hypervigilent. its not something they can control. I saw this too well when my child came home from foster care. He would be totally obsorbed in playing but yet if I made a sudden move like one time I threw a washcloth from the dining room into the kitchen sink being to lazy to grab my crutches and walk it in there. my son jumped like he had just gotten stung by a bee and asked me why I did that. He was in the living room and a good four feet away from me but yet knew exactly what I had done. When I asked his therapist during family therapy why he had reacted that way when he was in no danger. She told me that it was natural instinct. Just like a mother has instincts when it come to their children (which is where the saying moms got eyes in the back of her head comes from) Children also have natural survival instincts that they have no control over and when a child is abused that survival instinct of hyperawareness is naturally at a higher level. And she used my trigger reaction of if someone walks up behind me I instantly know someone is there and turn around ready to fight that person as an example. Then she told me to watch the children the next time my son and I went to a playground and I will see a childs natual instinct in action on all levels. She also called this natural instinct that parents and children have "bonded". Now that I knew my son was bonded to me in that hyerawareness level I made a point of saying what I was doing before I did anything that could possibly trigger him.

When I was working on the house project at my last therapy session LL commented on how precise the heating vents were, I told I knew how many there were because I had counted them. Sometimes I can hear my parents coming up the stairs in that house. And every time that audio memory replays Im counting the steps so I know that as a child I counted steps at night. I didn't plan to count those steps because I was DID. Being aware of people on the stairs just came naturally.

Maybe instead of fighting so hard to do things you can try to go with the flow and see what happens. Build your own therapy projects and activities around what has always been happening instead of trying to force something to happen kind of thing. I bet you will find you have more friends then you know about and from your drawings you already know that when you are acting out memory pieces you are noticing peoples eyes otherwise you would not be able to draw them accurately so on some instictual level you do watch eyes.So how about challenging yourself to notice how many eye colors you see in one day. It only takes a second to see the eye color and then look away. after a while you may find that you are noticing someones long eyelashes or a wrinkle, twinkle and so on. I actually have a friend that has one blue eye and one green eye. totally cool.

My project - still trying to locate the elusive "wall paper" rolls.. A friend was picking on me because I could not get off the topic of where the hell are those rolls. She said you watch, you have totally cleaned and searched your house and those rolls will turn up behind your therapists couch or desk . LOL I will soon know I see LL tomorrow and Ill be looking behind that couch. LOL.

[Evangelista]

(((Myself)))…maybe adapt was not a good word..smile…it is encouraging for me to know that you have accomplished so much..sorry did not mean it any other way..

There is allot to learn on how to manage the symptoms associated with dissociation and I appreciate your knowledge, strength and support…again..maybe adapt had more to do with you living with the disorder, accomplishing all that you have, and I hope you did not take it as an offensive term..maybe just a poor selection of wording on my part..take care and as always thank you for sharing so much….Thanx Myself..…

Hey now don't you go changing your fantastic way with words just cause I don't consider my going with the flow and attacking the problems head on as they come as adapting. I love the way you write and exress yourself.

Besides -
Mulder and Scully would not be able to find the truth that is out there and expose it, if they were hiding behind watching their "diction and grammar" LOL

Got the pm too. no I am not offended you just made me think about how little control I had. Alot of survivors think and say I should have this and I could have done that and maybe if I... Because I have DID I have no idea how I made friends. My DID isn't just something that happens when I want it to, or just in therapy, or just at home. Its in every aspect of my life. I can be on the bike trail and drawing and the next thing I know Im chit chatting with god only knows who and where I found them. On any given day when I wake up I look to see if anyone is sharing my bed cause suddenly waking up to a one night roommate is not unheard of around here. I can be on the city bus line and some one will come on with mens calogne and the next thing I know Im i have no idea where doing I have no idea what. So for me whether Im choosing to be socail or not I am it just happens. And the only way its not going to happen is if I meet every problem head on instead of daydreaming myself into la la land.

The one adaption that I have made comes with my conscious decision to do what it takes to for lack of better wording - pull myself together, for my child.

So the adaption that I have made was to stop dissociating from my problems and use dissociation for what it is normally meant to be for - not as an excape problems but as a relaxation tool for resting and getting sleep. Instead of running off to la la land when therapy got rough with sKR I had to force myself to remain there focusing on her questions and so on.

But as for adapting from inside no. I didn't have a choice. I didn't have a choice that I was abused, I didn't have a choice that my brain automatically separated my memorys and locked them away from me, and I didn't have a choice in acting out those memories when I got upset. Those things happened to me I had no choices to make in them as to making any changes in how to live with it and so on It just happened. Just like the process of integration isn't a choice for me. I had no choice of entering theray or not. I was told by a DHS intake worker I had to enter therapy or I couldnt see my son. After I was in therapy to fulfill her requirement she had me court mandated to remain in therapy at the discression of my therapist so that I had no choice if I dropped therapy I would lose my son. I had no choice to take paxil. The DHS intake caseworker wanted me on medication and after I was on medication That court mandate included my having to remain on medication at the discression of my doctor.The one adaption that I did make in this area was that I came up with therapy projects and so on. Originally my idea for doing so was so that if SKR turned out to be a "stiff" I would keep her so busy doing the activities that - I - wanted to do so that she would not have time to shoot on me some traditional textbook style "hit the chair with a bat" bull. LOL It worked too. except she was good at making her adaptions to me by finding ways to add to my projects and activities. One activity was only supposed to take a couple sessions.. she managed to find work to be done in my project for 6 months just by saying "Hmmm I wonder what it would look like if we..." or "I wonder what your answer would have been if that question had been worded like...or she would sit silent looking at something and then say no maybe not and I eventually would ask her "maybe not what?" and end up trying the idea just to prove whatever she thought wasn't possible was. LOL But I didn't mind because we were getting things done and still having fun doing it and I was the one setting my therapy plans.

So yea I've adapted as in changing my viewpoint from ignoring that I have DID to forcing myself to remain aware and meet the problems head on. But yet I made no adaptions as whether or not I socialize and so on. I figure DID has been with me all my life and I have been just fine, no one knew I had DID before I had the diagnosis and was dissociating right before their eyes so they arent going to know it now that I have the diagnosis label of being DID. I just continue living my life like I always have - I go to the library, I visit with my friends, I run my support group, I do vollunteer work from time to time, I do daycare work for my friends, I tutored a neighbors daughter in reading when she needed to bring her grades up to pass this school year, I take care of my cat,

I don't let my DID stop me from doing thing , I was able to do things in fact mre then normal people could. because with rerunning on autopilot of memorieys I am a "jack of all trades" so to speak. In some memory pieces Im bilingual - french, spanish, and sign language, In some meory pieces I am musically inclined - I play the guitar, piano, flute and claranet, In some memory pieces I am artistic - In them I can to three poit perspective, shading, water color, oil pastels, pencil and charcoal sketches, abstract, still life and live models, In some memory pieces I am versed in poetry, prose, Iambic pentamiter, Im also able to compose books and essays, paragraphs, In some memory pieces I clean and do the laundry, and these are just the memory pieces that I know of from people telling me that I fixed their leaky faucet or changed their piped under the sink. pr cleaned their house from top to bottom. and so on.

A professional told me that I will come to see that I am actually a very talented woman . DID didn't sto[p me from living, it helped me to live so there is no reason why after I know the diagnosis that I should not continue to live my life just like I normally would.

She was right as my memories come back into my conscious level I am learning that there is so much in my life that I have been able to do because I am DID, and now that I know I am DID I can not only do those things when not aware but I can as I remember those memories be able to do those things when I am aware and enjoying doing them.