Nothing Means Anything

I have a lot of responsibilities. I have a wife, three kids, a mortgage, car payment, debts, an extremely professional day job and a tremendously demanding freelance work load. To quote R.E.M., I don't sleep I dream.

A few weeks ago, when I was really struggling, I found Psych Central and I let my guard down. I turned inward, recognized how screwed up I was, and really started processing some of it. I thought again about a diagnoses that was made years ago. It's funny, but a lot can happen in just a few weeks.

But now I'm wondering if I have time to be so self involved.

Where does that line get drawn? It seems like I can shut off entirely and stay busy twenty four hours a day or I can be completely inside myself and try to get healthy. But if I do the later, this multi million dollar world I help prop up will come tumbling down. I make national tv. And though it's crappy tv designed to sell people things they don't need, it's still what I do and I'm expected to generate millions of dollars in sales every week. Sometimes I have to generate that in a single day. To do that demands blood, sweat and tears.

So how can I expect myself to work on feelings that I convince the world I don't even have? Really, who has the time? Every spare second I do have needs to go to my wife, my children, and the freelance work that promises to one day elevate me out of the world of sales driven television to "work" that has real meaning.

This world demands that I not slow down. I must remain composed and focused, every second of every day.

How can I be sick if I don't even exist?

I'm not going anywhere. I'll still be here on PC. Because what I'm writing here is just a thought. An idea floating above spreadsheets and scripts on my desktop as I get ready to change a diaper and make lunch for my older boys. It's an acknowledgement of the simple, undeniable truth of my life: if my obligations are all that matter, it doesn't matter if I'm not really present. Therefore my illness is irrelevant.

Nothing means anything and so far as the world knows, I'm fine with that.

Cyrano

I guess too many people are trapped in this way Cyran, I strive to try and be happy for the rest of my days, try not to let the abuse rule anymore...it's hard, who will remember in 100 years - it wont matter - therefore I think we should make the most of what we have now.....wish it was that simple....

I would love to go live as simply as possible, grow my own food, know how it is to be at one with nature and not owe anyone anything anymore....I believe I would be happy that way...I dont like how the governments use and pushes and gets fat on the blood sweat and tears of people. just everyday people, I dont know what I am trying to say here, I'm getting lost in my own head, just look after YOU and know you have to have time for yourself....

love ya, Jinny xxxx

I don't think you can hide behind your work, your family, your financial obligations, or even your hope for a business future that feels more true to yourself. Your feelings are invading your present.

I tried to hide from mine, those feelings from the past. I hid behind my life as a parent, a busy professional, etc.

The feelings from the past kept coming to get me, until I was so overwhelmed I almost destroyed myself. Twice.

Don't let that happen to you. You deserve to heal. You deserve to take the time to heal. And you can do that while also living in the present, embracing the family you have and your hope for the future. It doesn't have to be one or the other. You need to live in the present while facing your past.

I've read your story, the one you posted here. What you learned as a child was to deprive yourself from even the simplest comforts. You deserved better then, and deserve better now. Only now, you can empower yourself to live better. You don't have to remain a victim, as you were as a child, too young to really understand what was going on and too young to get yourself out. Your power today includes being present for your family and for yourself -- the joy that comes from those connections to others and to self can be precious fuel to recover from your childhood traumas and dysfunction. Your power today includes the ability to give yourself a little bit of time and space to grieve over your past, so you can heal in the present.

Take care of you.

mtd

mtd, I don't know what to say. It's like you saw right through me. I am trying to justify retreating back into my busy life, you're right. Since I quit drugs and alcohol almost seven years ago, I buried myself in family and work. It's all I do. I traded one distraction for another.

That is until I started to crumble a few weeks ago. Suddenly I can't keep it together and I'm just sort of collapsing. I used to just be numb and now I can't even get back to that blissful vacuum. And I do so want to go back. I want to feel nothing. Because I've got to be honest, this sucks and I'm not sure I can take it.

Coming here, posting my stories and my comments, at first it was like a game. I've always been able to talk about this stuff without any emotions attached to it. It's like I'm describing someone else's life. A happened, then B happened, then C and yeah, it was bad but you know, I'm fine now. And I'd go through all the motions of having overcome insurmountable odds to emerge as some great filmmaker.

And I was kind of happy in my bull %#@&#!. Or at least, I was numb.

So yeah, I want to run back to that. I don't know how to do what you describe. I don't know how to split time between this and work. I don't know how to heal. And I don't know how to face this.

I just want out! I want the pain that's been cutting through my every thought to just %#@&#! the hell off! I'm going to lose everything if I can't make this stop! I can't even be with my kids without it effecting my every movement and expression. Every smile is false and my various masks don't fit anymore.

And I can't even cry over it because I never cry. I don't know how. I can't remember the last time I did. It's like I'm a tree, hollowed out from the inside by bugs while still hanging on to life.

So this is what I'm talking about. I need to be able to turn my back on it all and just be busy.

But I can't, can I? The dam has broken and I'm drowning in about 32 years of uncried tears.

I'm not strong enough for this.

It's too much pain.

I'm lost.

Cyran0

((((((((((((((cyranO)))))))))))

hang in there sweetie, You will make it, this will pass, keep reaching out, know you have friends here and a family who love you, wish I HAD THE RIGHT WORDS.....

Jin xxxxxxxx

Try starting like this: Get yourself 2 journals that you will write in for 5 minutes each day. In the first, treat it like a regular recovery journal. Write down all the painful stuff from your past that is most affecting you that day -- write for 5 minutes only. Make sure you connect the past with the present, like how you relate feeling detached from your kids even when you are with them. Next, take out the second journal. This one will be called your "Good Stuff Only" book. For five minutes, write down all the good stuff you experienced that day. Even the little stuff, like a joke you heard, something nice someone said, a smile you got a cash register, something funny one of your kids did or something he or she discovered for the first time.

This simple exercise each day will help you see your life in better balance, and force you to focus on the hope of the present at least as much as you focus on the past. This is how we can heal from the past while at the same time embracing the present.

This is a very simple exercise and may appear too simple to work. But it can work if you let it shift your emotions into a better balance. It will keep you from denying your past and your present simultaneously -- which is what we do when we numb out.

You have been courageous to open yourself up here. (This compliment can be put in your good stuff only book today.)

be well,

mtd

Wow, that was quite a little freak out I was having last night. Sorry about that. What mtd wrote, well, it left me nowhere to hide.

Thank you for that mtd. I think it was necessary.

And Jinny, sorry I didn't say this earlier but I was touched by what you wrote. You just kind of got upstaged by mtd who pulled out all the stops and nailed my every thought. Don't worry about the right words as I don't think there are any. Just know I do appreciate the support even if I'm too messed up in the moment to say anything.

mtd, I'll try the two journal idea. I keep a journal now but the entries are expansive. Sometimes I can write for hours in it which, of course, there isn't always time for and so I end up not journaling at all. It does seem simple but as one of my favorite professors was fond of saying in film school, "keep it simple, stupid." It's good advice.

Clearly I'm a bigger mess than I'd like to admit and you both responded with understanding and caring. That means a lot. Thank you.

Cyran0

((((Cyran0)))))

try not to get overwhelmed by everything, and I know it can be quite overwhelming.

Much love!

One idea i am working with (to also face that overwhelm vs. numb out bit is to see the emotions as waves; one is to go deep into the ocean where it is calm even while the waves rage overhead. the other is to let the wave break over me (not fight it) and let it pass right on by. The more we fight it, the worse it is. i too feel like if i process any of it, i will lose everything and therefore choose to ignore it. but the stuff comes up anyway and usually when i don't want it too.
Cyran0 are you in therapy right now? it might be a helpful place to be so that you can focus that one hour on the pieces of the dam that are breaking, and keep staying in your present life in the other aspects - family, work.... my new T is working with me both on containment for my overwhelming emotions, and also letting me see them one at a time and where they come from.
Best to you.
kiya

((((((((((((( Cyrano )))))))))))))

I'm not in therapy yet Kiya but I'm trying to be. I just need to find a therapist I can work with (had a bad experience this week).

Containment. I could use some containment, I think.

Thanks Kiya and Fuzzy.

Cyran0

(((((cyran0)))))
take care

I call that the robot mode. I've lived with in the mode for years now and finally I've began to slow down. I notice a huge change in my perspective of myself and the perspective I have on my entire situation. I question how I even came to this point, but mostly it's unexplainable. Do something outrageous, make a mistake you normally wouldn't....just so you'll feel human again. I'm just relating this to me, so if I'm off excuse my naiveness.

No youOme, you pretty much have it. But undoing this situation for me is going to be complicated because I do have huge obligations and I can't just stop meeting them.

Oh, and let's not forget that slowing down and being a part of my own life SCARES THE LIVING HELL OUT OF ME!!!!

In the meantime, though, I'm trying some of that balance stuff. It's clumsy without a therapist I think but I'm trying.

Thanks youOme and Irish, I appreciate the thoughts.

Cyran0

Cy, I have to say that after reading your post I am physically shaking. You wrote the words that I have been unable to find for myself.
I strated to really break about 2 months ago for a reason that is unknown to me. Depression, anxiety, bad childhood memories, dissatisfaction with my current life have suddenly trapped me in some black hole that I'm just swirling untethered in.
I too used everything I had in me to work and have a family life. Now I have called a dr. and was given a week off work to start a med for anxiety and am waiting for a referral to a new psych dr. I have had to tell my boss why I am not at work and needless to say she is not happy. I don't care what anyone says, mental illness is not accepted the way that physical illnesses are. I am scared to death that I will lose my job and everything that it supports.
But what is the right answer? To go on and just hope it passes? Take a chance on losing everything? It's so confusing.

My dear haunted. It breaks my heart to think of you going through this too. While it would make me feel very alone, I wish nobody here understood what I was talking about. But as I'm sure you read, it's a common problem. And I'm so sorry.

Before I say where I'm at with this, let me just say that there have been some very good suggestions in this thread. I'm trying to use them and it helps, some. You might do the same.

So what have I been doing over the past six days? Well, like you, I talked to my boss about what's going on. I kept it simple but I was also direct. I didn't ask for time off but I did ask that they be understanding should I need a day here and there. That I was doing my best to meet my obligations translated to greater understanding from them. They also agreed to let me schedule therapy appointments during the day. If I have one I just go, get it done, and then come back to work. I've only had one appointment but they held up their end and let it happen. They also pointed me to some mental health resources my company has available. They suck but it was a nice gesture.

The next thing I did was to stop taking any new freelance clients. This does not help my existing work load but it does create a light at the end of the tunnel. Once these existing projects are completed (which will take about five months) I'll have more time to work on getting better.

The family thing, well, I have no solution there. I have to be a good father, up to it or not. My kids take priority because I lacked sufficient parenting due to my mother's physical illness and I'm screwed up for life because of it. This will not happen to my kids.

All of this should ultimately help create a balance between work and my personal demons. It's not ideal. To really address what's twisting inside me would require all my time and attention but that's not an option. So. For the past six days I've been looking for balance, balance, balance (even if it will take five months to get there). Clearly I really threw myself into this and I'm generally pretty positive about it.

What I can't offer any advice on is how to deal with the problems. Scheduling time I can do but I'm still scared to death of actually diving into these issues. That will be the true test of this attempt at balance but the test wont start for about five months.

Cyran0

Wow, your post reminds me so much of myself, it is kinda freaky. I remember when my damn started to flood. In a way, it was a big release to admit the truth, but in a way, it scared me to death too. I wrote a poem about this day I will share with you. Are you in anykind of therapy? I am doing EMDR for my abusive past. I wasnt' allowed to cry and after my first EMDR session, my protective shield gave way, and I cried many tears for the first time in my life.

Scared To Feel The Pain
Turn that obtrusive spotlight off me, I don't want to be seen, I want to hide.
There is no real me, just an illusion of happiness.
My imprisoned emotions are shielded by many impervious layers of self protection.
There are no winners in this internal brutal war of mine.
The only death is my own distrustful crying heart bleeding all over my life.
The pain of anguish grows slowly inside me corroding my organs with nuclear radiation.
These surpressed memories own me and if set free, will obliterate everything around me that I love.
Leaving only an empty shell that is easily cushed.
Should anyone mess with a dormant volcano?
It may erupt like a relentless orgasm that forces itself to be released exploding its hot lava of devastation onto everything.
But can anyone really stop the spew of acid from a fierce stomach virus?
Can anyone hear the abused child's silent cry for help?
Just leave me in a castle's deprivation chamber to die alone so my virus doesn't cause a plague.
No light, no sound, no emotion, and no love, just like my parents cruel home of torture.
How do I cure my parents lethal illness that has infected me?
Revealing the venoumous truth is leaving me paralyzed with terror and anxiety fo losing myself.
I feel frozen in time fearing the oppressing emotional toxins that are poisoning me from within.
How do I recover form this childhood disease?
Can anyone really be emancipated and heal form a vile past?
Accepting the truth feels like my own funeral.
I feel so beaten down and weak, I need help because I can't fight this war alone.
Dying seems more humane than living with all my years of childhood pain.
Please help me heal myself so I can be free to live life for the first time.
EMDR IS LIKE A SUPPOSITORY FOR CONSTIPATED MEMORIES.

flowergirl. I like that, thank you. And yeah, it sounds like we have a lot in common.

I'm not in therapy exactly. I'm shopping for a therapist. I've been in therapy before but circumstances were different then. At that time, therapy was just to keep me alive. Now I need it to finally live the life it saved.

Cyran0

a very interesting thread, I can empathise with you being an over the road driver for years,100 hr weeks,suffering in silence, dreaming about a "real life" accepting depression as the "status quo"...I quit! it was either it or me,and I chose ME! (and my family) was I scared? sure,but I was more frightened of the alternative. since then, I feel as though I can truthfully say "well, it was'nt all as I would of had it to be but I have had many moments where it (my life) has surpassed my wildest dreams" I wish that for you, heck, I'd give you enough land to build a house on if you wanted it...I know, the impossible dream right? I suppose it beats the "definite nightmare"...

"The impossible dream...beats the definite nightmare." I like that a lot.

Thanks altonwoods. And I'm glad things worked out for you. It's reassuring to hear from someone who's made it work.

Cyran0