having a hard time

I had a session with my counselor, which did not end well for me. I have been getting very triggered during the last couple sessions and am trying to figure out why.

My 12/13 year old was very triggered, and by the time I had gotten home she had almost taken over. She has quite the vulgar vocabulary, and it is even harder because I do not like to swear.

I sat down to write out what was bothering me and she wrote a letter to my counselor, full of accusations and swearing. For 30 minutes I felt like I was being possessed, almsot. I was writing, but it was her behind it, and I felt completely out of control. Although I know thats not true because I was able to stop her from writing out a couple words that I was not okay with.

I hate feeling like the others are so strong they just take over when upset. How can I feel safe when I am afraid of what certain parts will do/say while they are upset?

I know many people will say that this is progress because I was able to channel what was being felt/experienced by my parts into writing it out, but I can help feeling like I am 'going crazy'. Since being diagnosed, and finding out about my parts, I have felt much less crazy, and more strong/capable having developed extreme coping skills as a child. Now, the crazy feeling is coming back. And it is really scaring me!

((((((( innocentjoy ))))))

Your T just can't seem to stop triggering your younger parts can she?! What did your T say/do that upset your 13 year old?

How long have you been with your T now?

Have you asked your 12/13 year old why she likes to swear so much? She might just be rebelling even against you a bit - because she knows it makes you uncomfortable, but I'm glad she stopped before going too far with it.

I'm not sure what to suggest to help you feel more safe, outside of learning how to handle situations in a way that would be satisfactory to all of you?

Have you had a talk with your parts about what's acceptable and what's not? I'm just trying to help brainstorm.. hmm.

I've been with her since January, and have loved having her until recently. I think she may have changed styles recently, going more cbt based than before, and I am taking tha as a constant "you're not good enough" message, instead of what it's probably intended as.

I have no idea why Lucy was so upset, as we haven't even brought her up. I think she was feeling my anger and took it upon herself to 'own' it. Emotions that I find difficult to feel/express seem to be a trigger for switching for me. I wouldn't let H out because I didn't want her to be hurt again until I could make sure that my T understood.

I am planning on writing a letter to her so that I can say everything i need to, without being distracted by being in her office. My problem is that I don't realize how triggered I am in sessions until after I leave. Then I get overwhelmed (this is a pattern for me with all my treatment providers).

I don't feel comfortable making 'acceptable/not acceptable' rules for us because I have many issues based on this type of rules system already. there are already much to high expectations of us, from us. I was able to take the letter Lucy wrote and turn it into I statements, so at least the important points can be shared and won't be innapropriate.

I need to learn better ways of being angry, and ways of being okay to be angry, without letting it take over. It's just difficult

It's tricky just having me inside my own head, so I can't even imagine.

Maybe the fact that Lucy hasn't been mentioned it part of what is making her upset? And I guess someone has to own your anger, so maybe Lucy feels that that is her job?

I'd try to give you suggestions on how to be angry.. but my typical response is "run away" and "blame yourself" and "don't talk about it"..... bahaha. Clearly, I fail at anger. When I do finally have to express it.. it's always directed at me or comes out as a mess that makes NO SENSE.

We have rules, in fact we have a lot of rules, but we have them to keep us safe. The biggest rule is we can't do anything to hurt us or the body or anyone who is not hurting us. We can say what we want in session but we don't physically hurt anyone or ourselves. That is a rule. As long as we all understand that the rules we follow are to keep us safe we are ok with the rules. That is how I understand my rules.

Haha, A Red Panda, you made me laugh with your anger responses...because they explain me exactly!!

I wrote a letter to her tonight, and tried to leave her a voicemail but something funky was going on with the phone system so will have to try another day. Mostly what I'm feeling is more of another "you say I hear" kind of thing. So I think that will help. I explained, I hope clearly, that I need more support and less challenges as far as thinking goes. She challenges my negative thinking, but it has become too much, and I only hear all the horrible things I think of myself mirrored back. i asked her in the letter to give me more reassurance and validation, and to be aware of how sensitive I am. i explained the messages I'm hearing, and said that while I realize she doesn't mean that, it is what I hear back. I also said that if she's challenging my thought process or behaviours to add in more positive feedback, talk about my strengths, etc so that I don't think that she thinks I'm a horrible person. It's all so messed up. Sigh.

I hope it works. As for Lucy, I miswrote. It's not that we haven't mentioned her, it's just that I've been careful not to talk about the stuff that makes her upset when I bring it up. I just hope that the letter is firm enough that my counselor gets it. If not I will have to start rethinking how I deal with the situation, relationship etc.

My problem is that when I can understand a person's intentions, or when I know that what they're communicating is not what they mean, I tend to give them too much space to do what they feel, instead of validating that my concerns are important as well. If someone doesn't mean to be cruel, then they can't be actually cruel, it's my fault for feeling that way. Something that was forced into my head a few too many times when I was much too young

Clarity, I can see how those rules would work. I am more concerned that some of my parts are extremely good at really hurting people by just using their words. And I believe that words can do a lot more damage than words, and am very afraid of just what 'they' will say if I give them freedom for that. Not that you were suggesting I could just let them say anything, I just have a hard time with that. I've learned to be so careful of what I say, and when the others get ahold of my mouth, I can be upset by what "I've" said. I think the fear is keeping me from letting us have the trust and understanding to react the way we do in a way that fits everyone's emotional needs. Lucy needs to be angry, but she chooses insults and accusations to get it out...something I've spent my life learning not to do, so we are at odds that way.

I will bring up the issue with my T this week and see what he says about it. He may have some ideas of how I can work out something we all agree on. Thanks for the input, it gives me some food for thought!!

BINGO!

I'm like that too. With my current unwanted house-guest situation (not sure if I wrote about that in your other thread but it's been my topic of the day for about two weeks haha)... I finally accepted that yes, he DID in fact manipulate and lie to me. He asked to come here to look for work... and then hasn't looked for work and doesn't plan to and plans to only stay for a visit. I would have said no to having a visitor. So while I can accept that he chose to decieve me... I can't accept in my head that he did it on purpose. It just won't work.

So it seems like you and I were basically trained in the same way.

And that Lucy and Henrietta in particular (from who I know of) have been some of the ones who have chosen to rebel against that training. Can I just say that I am not surprised that they are both younger? I bet they noticed the injustice of not being allowed to express yourself and they refused to give that up - even though as you grew up most of you did comply with what was expected of you.

I smile because I only meant that can say what ever they want in session. I could never let them say what ever they wanted while in the world. They can say it to me but not out loud. I could have never held a job. Sorry about that.

Wow, that's amazing. I'm on the cusp of maybe finding out about this. I have blacked out huge portions of my childhood and my therapist wants me to open this up. Not sure what to do.

I hope you are able to work through it. Unfortunately for me this wasn't a breakthrough, rather a set back. I've never lost time, and recently I've been so stressed that the switching is becoming much more out of control than it ever was. Always before I still had control over my actions, I just kind of switched 'modes'. Had I been blacking out before, though, this definitely would be a great breakthrough, to be aware of it.

I hope you can find a lot of support on here, it's a pretty cool place

Clarity,
I must have missed it the first part. That sounds like a great idea, to have them voice their opinions for you only during therapy. I don't think that would work for me, though, as they have been clamoring for attention. Perhaps I should be spending more time focusing on them when things aren't at crisis level, instead of waiting until I feel out of control.

A Red Panda,
You are so supportive always, thank you. It's nice to know someone else understands those thought patterns.

I wrote a letter to her explaining everything, how I was feeling, why I think it's that way, and explaining what i need from her. I bourhgt it in today to talk to her....and it was a disaster. I never got to read it I had called yesterday to book a time to sit down with her, and she told me to come in today during her on call hours. I guess she didn't realize what I needed because she said it was something that needed to wait until our therapy session. The problem is that our next session she has another staff sitting in, and I wanted it to be dealt with before I had to talk to both of them together. Eventually we worked out that she will postpone the dual session so that we can talk just us two on Friday. I've made myself sick over this whole thing, I'm so upset. It took so long to work up the courage to talk to her, and then I was only able to tell her that i was having issues without anything being dealt with.

Awww IJ, I'm so sorry that it didn't go the way you'd hoped and needed it too!

I think you're spot on that your T didn't understand what you were needing, because I'm sure that she is feeling awful about it right now. And she is trying to make amends right, by rearranging the dual appointment.

Only a few more days!! I know it's going to be hard and stressful to sit with it now (did she read the letter or hear your concerns?) but at least your T understands enough to know that it's a big talk for you.

Aw, thanks.

i think what's hardest on me is that I do like having her as my counselor so much, I just want it all to be done and figured out. It was good of her to switch those days around for me, though. And she did mention it was a big deal, and that she was proud that i was dealing with it. She asked if I wanted to see someone else for a bit, which I'm hoping was just her giving me an easy out if I wanted it. I told her I wanted to work things through.

I'm just wishing it was over tonight. :P
But you're right, only a few more days, and it will be done with before the weekend.
Thanks!

That was nice of her to ask if you wanted to see someone else about it - that shows that she does understand that she's currently triggering some of your parts. They might feel more comfortable with you discussing your T with a different T. Or they might not. But at least she was trying to help think of a solution!

maybe u dont feel safe being angry at ur T so ur alter took over and expressed it her way

My psychologist also wanted me to start finding lost memories, however after she first started trying to trigger memories she decided I wasn't ready for it. I can't say what changed her mind cause I don't know.

But, I do fear the idea of remembering... but I also fear continuing with not knowing what makes me do the things I do, why stupid things send me into super protect at all cost mode or what causes and triggers missing time etc

Then the only thing that hits me is where am I suppose to find these missing memories, they are gone and if they weren't they wouldn't be lost...

Hey there Viamoonlight. I am sorry your having a hard time.

One of the things I did when learning of dissociation I journaled and talked to myself. That way it allows parts of yourself to come out and parts can be allowed to write. Even some of my young parts, draw because they are unable to spell.
I hope you find a place within you to feel comforted and loved.

Best wishes (((Viamoonlight)))) and hang in there.
Your new friend,
Crew