[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

Hey yall, Amanda got mad because I name dropped her sorry. I'm just crazy. Thanks for being there for me. I love you all. Xoxoxo

no Im not mad. i cant always answer posts and pms right when someone posts and pms me. my home life off the computer comes first. right now I have lots going on, on the home front that needs my attention at the moment. I wouldnt be any good to my family and I if I put being on the computer answering posts and pms all the time. I wish I could be here non stop but thats not who I am. Im sorry if my not answering you all right away makes you feel like Im mad at you all, I am not, i am very happy to be here for everyone, but I have to set my own family first just like you must set whats right for you.

[Kiya]

I found a pen in my car... a still-wrapped, smelly marker pen. strawberry. no idea how/when/why it got there.
that was around a week ago.
now I have a very vague memory (that's been filling in when I see the pen over all this time) of being out visiting my mother one day. one of my kid parts must have asked her to buy it for us.
did that really happen?
REALLY?
guess so. I have the pen.
still - it was like @_@ whaaaa....???? then
Finally opened it today.
like it.

Trying to get past the last few days. I'm taking every moment cautiously. I'm not too trusting of ourselves right now.

Not doing good. I want to quit drinking but others just won't. I'm told that it's my alcoholism talking by everyone around me. I guess so, but it has drinking buddies too.

A little weirded out. It was dark, then morning, then I see dreamy snapshots of mowing lawn and talking to people, now it's dark again. It's like it's so..

.

Originally Posted by amandalouise

no Im not mad. i cant always answer posts and pms right when someone posts and pms me. my home life off the computer comes first. right now I have lots going on, on the home front that needs my attention at the moment. I wouldnt be any good to my family and I if I put being on the computer answering posts and pms all the time. I wish I could be here non stop but thats not who I am. Im sorry if my not answering you all right away makes you feel like Im mad at you all, I am not, i am very happy to be here for everyone, but I have to set my own family first just like you must set whats right for you.

We luv you !

[Gr3tta]

My T wants others to write in this wworkbook. But i dont know...

[Claritytoo]

Originally Posted by Gr3tta

My T wants others to write in this wworkbook. But i dont know...

Maybe that can just write small things like Hello, and if that is ok with you maybe they can write more. Take it a little at a time.

[possum220]

I am so over therapy right now.

[kaliope]

i am wondering if dealing with these alters is worth it. before i really knew about them we medicated them away with strong antipsychotics and they were quiet. now that we are letting them talk, more and more stuff is happening without my knowledge. ordering 160 dollars worth of dresses from a website, going to the pharmacy and picking up meds that i never know i placed a refill for, and now i have this bruise i noticed on my arm a week ago i have no idea where it came from and yesterday i saw this huge, i mean huge, like 3x4 inch bruise on my shin i have absolutely no idea where it came from. i think i would remember hitting something to get a bruise this big.

take care everybody!

[Kiya]

(((((((((( all ))))))))))))
I hate to say it, but.... (and someone in a DID meetup said it first) "getting better from DID looks like getting worse for a while". a long while. we only get to hide so long until everything comes to the surface and... yeah... it looks like chaos.

We've been really busy, so the workers been running it all. Since they're out the most, I really don't to get to surf the forums because they hate it.

But it's what's it gots to be. Bbl!

I found out something I did 18 years ago, that I have no recollection of at all. And I really should. And its soooooooooooooooo bad, and so not me. And one of the things Ive been hanging on to, is that finding out stuff I did I don't remember is something that hasn't really happened before, and so I would use that in my head as an argument for not being DID. And so today I am mortified for so many different reasons, and I wish I could cry, cos I really want and need a big huge weepathon, but there just aint nothing there.

[Kiya]

...speaking of getting worse.... I feel like therapy is having me back slide. for one thing, t can't remember ANYTHING so I am making her a cheat sheet of my life. Each week when I have to tell her AGAIN who my abusers were or YES that was him, or NO he's not in my life because.... I lose ground. And I ended up on a track yesterday that none of us wanted to be on. I got the red flag warning, but didn't (or couldn't?) heed it... then followed that track with another I'd promised we'd not go on (but I wasn't in front)... and then got derailed and session ended and I'm in the car, on the phone... while another alt is out and self harming That hasn't happened since April 17th. Then I tried to leave, but clearly couldn't drive and ended up back in t's office an hour later - totally swapped out into a really little one - playing with the toys and chewing on one of our own.
I feel like i'm not making ground, yet alone headway. I did fire the other t because it was clearly never ever going to become therapeutic. But surely there's got to be a happy medium somewhere?

we're annoyed because 1 of the best stuffies are broken.

we called him heartbeat bear because when you pressed him, you could feel his heart beat.

fixing him is impossible, because that will require breaking the actual heart

oh well.

perhaps we can get another

[Gr3tta]

Originally Posted by Kiya

...speaking of getting worse.... I feel like therapy is having me back slide. for one thing, t can't remember ANYTHING so I am making her a cheat sheet of my life. Each week when I have to tell her AGAIN who my abusers were or YES that was him, or NO he's not in my life because.... I lose ground. And I ended up on a track yesterday that none of us wanted to be on. I got the red flag warning, but didn't (or couldn't?) heed it... then followed that track with another I'd promised we'd not go on (but I wasn't in front)... and then got derailed and session ended and I'm in the car, on the phone... while another alt is out and self harming That hasn't happened since April 17th. Then I tried to leave, but clearly couldn't drive and ended up back in t's office an hour later - totally swapped out into a really little one - playing with the toys and chewing on one of our own.
I feel like i'm not making ground, yet alone headway. I did fire the other t because it was clearly never ever going to become therapeutic. But surely there's got to be a happy medium somewhere?

My t has loads of cheat sheets like timelines and descriptions. I did them as therapy homework and they help a lot. Maybe you should make some of these for your t if you like them well enough? *hugs*

hope you start to feel better, Kiya.

hugs

[wheredidthepartygo]

been wanting to make a cheat sheet timeline because i feel like they never write any of it down and the last thing i wanna do is have to rehash the whole thing all over again every single time

[Kiya]

Originally Posted by wheredidthepartygo

been wanting to make a cheat sheet timeline because i feel like they never write any of it down and the last thing i wanna do is have to rehash the whole thing all over again every single time

thanks for the reminder - I'd already forgotten thanks all for the responses. I do need to get going on that. The gal who word-of-mouth referred this T to me (was hers for 20 years and sometimes she still sees her) is worried that this isn't a good match for me. The T is really quite old and losing her touch. I am certain she was a really good t in the past. Sadly she should have retired about 5 years ago. She's not only forgetting things, but breaking boundaries on protocol - like telling me her past trauma (not in great detail, but still) and her illnesses and her upcoming medical tests. It's been a long year of therapist shopping and I am tired. She's intuitive and can see "us" behind my eyes - a rare trait, and I guess that is why I stay. Starting over every 8-12 sessions is a real pain. I know this isn't permanent... and then I'll have to start over anyway. grrr.

[Kiya]

hope you can get another!

Originally Posted by shattered sanity

we're annoyed because 1 of the best stuffies are broken.

we called him heartbeat bear because when you pressed him, you could feel his heart beat.

fixing him is impossible, because that will require breaking the actual heart

oh well.

perhaps we can get another

[Willowtrees]

Everything is unraveling and I feel like the help Im asking for does not exist. Been in the hospital inpatient because of alters twice in maybe 10 days for serious self and selves destructive plans. Im sure you can imagine how swimmingly that went. They literally didnt even spell my disorder right. Losing time, but more importantly, information, that i wasnt before, and its terrifying. Really dont know what to do anymore. Nothing seems to be helping. Ive stopped trying so hard to hide the DID because its impossible now. Alters i pushed back before are now all "notice me!!". Noticing how much the inner house affects real life. I had a butler in the house for months, but thought he was just imaginary. Is not. Crying all of the time, hearing voices threatening to make me black out, bad sleep, panic attacks. When is anything going to get better? Im getting all of the help I can.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Willowtrees

Everything is unraveling and I feel like the help Im asking for does not exist. Been in the hospital inpatient because of alters twice in maybe 10 days for serious self and selves destructive plans. Im sure you can imagine how swimmingly that went. They literally didnt even spell my disorder right. Losing time, but more importantly, information, that i wasnt before, and its terrifying. Really dont know what to do anymore. Nothing seems to be helping. Ive stopped trying so hard to hide the DID because its impossible now. Alters i pushed back before are now all "notice me!!". Noticing how much the inner house affects real life. I had a butler in the house for months, but thought he was just imaginary. Is not. Crying all of the time, hearing voices threatening to make me black out, bad sleep, panic attacks. When is anything going to get better? Im getting all of the help I can.

I'm wondering if the reason they didnt get your disorder right in the hospital is because the lossof informaiton with DID is a special kind. its not the kind where you one day cant remember things you used to be able to remember things. suddenly not remembering things is not due to mental disorders here in my location, here thats the physical form of amnesia where physical things like medications, traumatic brain injury, alzheimers, and other physical health problems.

the not remembering things with DID is one where its been part of your life all your life, things you have never remembered because those memories are part of the alters memories, most if not all with this problem rarely even realize they dont remember somethinguntil that memory comes back to them in the form of flashbacks or alter sharing that information through co consciousness.

my point is maybe your location is like mine and maybe thats why they didnt get your diagnosis correct.

you can ask your outpatent treatment providers for a psychaitric evaluation for dissociative disorders. this way you will recieve the correct diagnosis right down to the correct spelling because it will officially be part of your mental/medical records.

your question of when it will get better...it gets better over time as you learn about what caused your mind to create the alters, learning to take care of yourself and your life without dissociating, using therapy techniques like grounding and what ever other treatments your treatment providers have you on. for some people things start getting better right away because they are fast learners on things like grounding, self care, taking their meds as prescribed, participating in therapy....for others it takes many many years.

my suggestion continue working with your treatment providers and the treatment plan that was set up for you during inpatient, and out patient care and things will get better for you.

[Willowtrees]

Delete.....

[wheredidthepartygo]

willowtrees

[Mully]

I'm struggling to accept my reality. It feels like this giant secret and I hate feeling so vulnerable with my T. At the same time, it's nice to finally be real and honest about who I am.