[Spaceyspace]

My recently former t has me diagnosed as dd-NOS right now. It's been a long battle with me because I've been fighting her, I kinda worry about t's pushing agendas on me and I don't want her to create dissociative identity disorder if it is not there. I left when she started talking to me about DID. She did because the rageful one came out.

I do lose way too much time, my last hospitalization in September was the result of a "dissociative fugue" which is what the pdoc called it. I do feel like I am distinct people inside. Mostly a very rageful teenager comes out. Vulgar. Criminal behavior. Normally I'm a very well spoken isolatory bookworm. There's a man with psychosis who handles my severe mental health diagnoses in here too. Very artistic. A little girl but she just stays inside. None of these people have names though.
I do not want to admit to any of this but I feel I *have* to to get better.

My parents did some bad things to me. Only a little bit of it I remember. I don't want to face any of it and I don't want a *t* creating things that didn't happen either and further damaging my mind.

I'm sorry sweety, but nobody wants this label applied to them. What is her specialty? Is she a trauma specialist? If not, maybe you are right. Have you a second opinion? With something like this though, it takes awhile to gain enough trust to lay it all bare. Maybe you or another picked up on something that didn't feel right?

Anyways, welcome to PC!

We as a class of people have endured so much pain since the beginning of life that we are lucky to be here. On top of all that has happened to us, we now have to deal with this, but because of this, we are survivors of the trauma and abuse caused upon us. This does make it hard to trust anyone. For therapy to work, T shopping is probably a thing to do to find one that you feel comfortable with. Other than personality, also look at their experience as a trauma therapist.

I wouldn't pay too much mind to a label, but more to recovery. A rose by any other name is still a rose. We know the symptoms, the why, and what it takes to repair the obvious as much as we don't want to admit it. Unfortunately, going back to the beginning is a process it takes to heal.

When it comes to memories, our minds know what's real and what's false, so if I feel like a T was trying to lead me (you'll be able to tell), I got an other that isn't scared of giving the T a black eye, if not triggering the Angry One. Lol

Feel free to express here, it helps hearing others of the same like mind to get comfortable in opening up. I'm a quiet shy person, but I've become accustomed to opening up (maybe too too much) on here. I've figured out my system and how I relate to the whole bowl of fruit loops which has given me confidence in what happens upstairs.

I hope to hear more of you and your system hon, let the healing begin!

[Spaceyspace]

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

I'm sorry sweety, but nobody wants this label applied to them. What is her specialty? Is she a trauma specialist? If not, maybe you are right. Have you a second opinion? With something like this though, it takes awhile to gain enough trust to lay it all bare. Maybe you or another picked up on something that didn't feel right?

Anyways, welcome to PC!

We as a class of people have endured so much pain since the beginning of life that we are lucky to be here. On top of all that has happened to us, we now have to deal with this, but because of this, we are survivors of the trauma and abuse caused upon us. This does make it hard to trust anyone. For therapy to work, T shopping is probably a thing to do to find one that you feel comfortable with. Other than personality, also look at their experience as a trauma therapist.

I wouldn't pay too much mind to a label, but more to recovery. A rose by any other name is still a rose. We know the symptoms, the why, and what it takes to repair the obvious as much as we don't want to admit it. Unfortunately, going back to the beginning is a process it takes to heal.

When it comes to memories, our minds know what's real and what's false, so if I feel like a T was trying to lead me (you'll be able to tell), I got an other that isn't scared of giving the T a black eye, if not triggering the Angry One. Lol

She is a trauma specialist. I was referred to her from a day treatment program I was attending. You're right I didn't want to hear any of this.

I've had so many diagnoses over the years it's rediculous. I currently only take migraine meds and vitamins.

I took the day off from day treatment to try and map myself/selves and draw a corresponding picture for each one. Not like a face but abstract representation.

I think there's like 5 frequently appearing alters. I do appreciate the Angry teen but she's done her job and it's time for her to take a break. Permanently. Oh god I don't want to trigger her.......

I'd like to sit and have a conversation with the one man, whose had to carry the thought disorder psychosis mental illness.l, the hospitalisations, day treatment, pharmacy trips. He's been through a lot, almost like a war. I'd like to why male? He is oddly comfortable. Older. Why?

Why is one a different religion and has been since little?

Where is original me in all this what do I even like and dislike?

I know you can't answer my questions. Just thinking out loud because I'm terrified to verbalize these things to my husband and have him think I'm I don't even know.

I used to think one of these in particular was my past lives coming out and I was some sort of psychic medium. Maybe I'm just really out there idk. I chalked another up to "hormones" I reasoned more memory and time loss up to "atypical migraines"

[Spaceyspace]

And I'm going to see another therapist beginning of December and I supposedly she's a trauma specialist too.

Alters have a reason of being, a job to do, or reasons unknown. Like our Suzy is a comforter, she kisses the boo boos and hugs the hurt. Our workers go to work. We have male and female public relations officers, emotional alters, cooks, babysitters, memory holders, etc. We number in the hundreds of all genders and gender types like bi, trans, cis, non.

At a point we must come to accept things, that's the only way healing can begin.

Our system has no host, we are all equal. We switch all day moment to moment. Everyone's system is different. Our first 18 years of life is trauma filled, so we never really learned any life coping skills, both public and private- so an alter was created for each of the lacking and trauma dissociated.

This can be such a lonesome condition, and I only find others online that gets it. Everyone near me thinks I'm faking or crazy, totally unbelievers and un-sympathizers. Oh well, whatever.

Because of the initial trauma as a baby, the babies brain stays dissociated and each part of a memory develops its own personality, the way it sees itself. For every bit of unprocessed future trauma after the initial, more others are created. Some alters just hold bits of memory and don't develop into full personalities. The way this works is so crazy fascinating, I wish I never quit psych/college.

Great on the therapist! I hope it goes well for you. I'm 47 years old and lived this way in co-conscience and in co-operation that it's our normal, so the idea of integration is freaky to us, but just the idea of being a single...is also appealing.

[Spaceyspace]

I'm very happy that there are other people online. I think I'm ready to deal with the unmanageable aspects of this. The continuing memory loss and angry one who likes to go wild.

[Spaceyspace]

I think that I can do ok with some of these guys who come out. So far I have but I never realized it. I have been so blind. They are responsible for my day to day functioning. And to think I've been trying to drown out their voices with music. I finally held a community meeting.

[Nammu]

I'm glad you are not on any other meds currently, that makes diagnosises easier. I was extremely dissociative but I was given ADs and benzodiazepines which I believe made the dissociation worse and then they said DID. I was in several programs for dissociative disorders but I got better and more able to work on the issue when I quit the medicines.

[amandalouise]

I see you are here in the USA. Something you might not be aware of...

As of 2013 there is no dissociative disorder called DDNOS so its ok that you do not accept that disorder

short version in 2013 amerca switched over to a new way of doing things. one of those new ways is that the American psychiatric association took all existing mental disorders and changed some of them, threw out some of them and made a new list of what mental disorders are, what defines that mental disorder and what diagnostics are used.

in reference to DDNOS they threw out that mental disorder, split up all that was DDNOS and added those symptoms\diagnostics to other mental disorders, and what didnt fit in with depression, PTSD, and many other mental disorders including dissociative disorders they made two new dissociative disorders called OSDD (other Specified Dissociative Disorder) and UDD (unspecified Dissociative Disorder).

on the dissociative fugue Im wondering if they said something like you have dissociative amnesia with the specifier dissociative fugue.

the reason Im wondering this is because with the new diagnostics america now uses there is no separate diagnosis called dissociative fugue. what used to be called dissociative fugue is now listed as a specifier for having dissociative amnesia. hard to understand but short version when someone has the symptom of losing time thats called dissociative amnesia. but when diagnosing dissociative amnesia treatment providers have to say whether that persons dissociative amnesia .....includes ....having times when they forget important information and wander around with out remember where they have gone.

the new diagnostics looks like this in me...when under stress I dissociate, I dont always remember what I am doing. sometimes people can talk to me about an important meeting or event and I wont remember what happened. (thats dissociative amnesia) but along with this sometimes I will go someplace and not remember even going or I will become aware and find I am someplace I dont remember getting there. (this is dissociative fugue.) now lets add a treatment provider filling out the files... question on form what mental disorder does this patient have...answer dissociative amnesia. question if this is a mental disorder with a specifier what specifier does this patient have....dissociative fugue.

complete diagnosis....dissociative amnesia with specifier dissociative fugue.

you can find the new version of what america now goes by for dissociative disorders (including specifiers) in my link at the bottom of my post. keep in mind that what is included in my link is not the complete write up on these mental disorders. besides what you find in my link, there are 5 more pages of information that I did not include in my post that describes in more detail about each of these mental disorders, and diagnostics. for the full version you will need to visit your library's reference department or have your treatment provider show you the information.

as for having to admit you have dissociative disorders in order to get better...um I know many people who do not accept diagnostic labels of many kinds and they still get better. treatment of mental disorders here in america does not depend upon whether someone accepts they have a mental disorder labeling or not. it depends upon what their problems are and learning how to take care of those problems....

example a person can refuse the diagnosis of DID but still work on their symptoms of losing time and unstability by learning tools like grounding, relaxation, stress relief, and other tools to help stabilize their triggers that are causing them to have the time loss and such.

short version is diagnostic labels just puts a name on whats already been happening. it doesnt change anything nothing that hasnt already been happening is going to happen after you get that label.

my opinion is so what you dont accept diagnostic labels. its no big deal. the diagnostic labeling doesnt define who you are as a person, it just tells treatment providers what mental disorder you have so that they can offer you the correct treatment plans. and the insurance companies will pay your treatment bills.

it is perfectly ok to tell a treatment provider "I dont want to know what this is called I just want help with things so that I dont lose time so often and things get better what kinds of things can I do so I dont lose track of time?" or what ever other questions\help you do want. A treatment provider is not going to know you do not like being labeled, dont accept diagnostic labeling and just want help with your symptoms unless you tell them.

one important thing to know is that now with the new diagnostic process america goes by, having parts of self inside you that do not have names does not necessarily mean you have DID.

my suggestion go according to what ever your treatment providers have said your problems are. because one of the diagnostics for DID is that the problem can not be better explained by another mental disorder. since they diagnosed you dissociative fugue this knocks out the diagnosis of DID because your treatment providers have decided that your problems are better explained by dissociative fugue.

that said if you decide some day you want to know what your mental disorders are because you dont accept what they say you have, you can ask for a new psychiatric evaluation which is a testing process that tests for all mental\physical and learning disorders recognized here in the USA.

Originally Posted by Spaceyspace

I'm very happy that there are other people online. I think I'm ready to deal with the unmanageable aspects of this. The continuing memory loss and angry one who likes to go wild.

I know it! Our Angry One (it's name) gets triggered by perceived injustice, especially to us or others. So we try to stay pacified and stay away from conflicts. When triggered, he explodes full of fury and is relentless to he's done, screaming and mean.

All we can do is watch in horror! Lol the mess we get to sheepishly clean up. People then look at us weird and we're trying to explain "it wasn't me(!)" that doesn't fly with anyone.

Most others are triggered to present to do their job specialty. We here can swap on request, also.

Yes, going inner diving can be scary, but should really be done with a pro. I accessed a hidden trauma memory once and it messed me up bad for days, enough to put me in the hospital. Personally, I don't want to ever go there and keep things the way they are. So sad. We can handle being multiple most of the time, but sometimes....

It's great that you can get along with your others. It sounds like you are co-conscience. We too vote on things and make joint decisions, hold powwows, and work together....most of the time. But like all families, we have rivalries and rogue alters also.

A few of us is in denial, but you can't deny all the switching that takes place. It's like changing the dial on the radio sometimes! Lol

[Icecream-4]

Hi Spaceyspace, great name! I find that spacey feeling really horrible, it can last ages.

Totally get what you mean. Part of me keeps hoping my T has got this all wrong, she says "why are you going back into denial again?". This seems such a bizzar thing to say, I've felt both frightened and relived at the same time about the diagnosis.

There's no way there's going to be any sharing with family, not safe and they 're not capable of self reflecting.
Angry alters can be scary.

[finding_my_way]

it is difficult for sure. i put pieces together for myself over the years, and my psychiatrist for the last 10 years acknowledges it is real for me. but i go back and forth between accepting it and denying it. i deny it when things are stable and there is no real dissociation..but then when it happens, i cannot deny it and then get scared. then i come to accept it again, but i have no active communication with mine and haven't since 2007 or so.

i knew of several up until 2007, but then when the communication stopped, i stopped knowing who was who. i used to either hear their voice or know who they were based on the feeling (gender, age, characteristics, etc.) i do have some with no name and recently have had other ones surface who i do not know if they are new or always existed but one at least was not one i knew prior to 2007. it is very confusing trying to sort things out for myself when i used to know them and now don't..i fear more are being created or else i'm imagining things or else i have just lost touch and have no idea anymore..it's....strange..

i have some angry alters though, two or three older males (one with a name and two without) and one younger who i don't quite know much about (just a few times in my life i've had them come out for brief periods). they can be pretty scary.

[Spaceyspace]

Originally Posted by sidestepper

I'm glad you are not on any other meds currently, that makes diagnosises easier. I was extremely dissociative but I was given ADs and benzodiazepines which I believe made the dissociation worse and then they said DID. I was in several programs for dissociative disorders but I got better and more able to work on the issue when I quit the medicines.

Benzos were terrible for me. Even a little bit of klonopin was causing Dissociation to happen so much more easy.

[Spaceyspace]

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

I know it! Our Angry One (it's name) gets triggered by perceived injustice, especially to us or others. So we try to stay pacified and stay away from conflicts. When triggered, he explodes full of fury and is relentless to he's done, screaming and mean.

All we can do is watch in horror! Lol the mess we get to sheepishly clean up. People then look at us weird and we're trying to explain "it wasn't me(!)" that doesn't fly with anyone.

Most others are triggered to present to do their job specialty. We here can swap on request, also.

Yes, going inner diving can be scary, but should really be done with a pro. I accessed a hidden trauma memory once and it messed me up bad for days, enough to put me in the hospital. Personally, I don't want to ever go there and keep things the way they are. So sad. We can handle being multiple most of the time, but sometimes....

It's great that you can get along with your others. It sounds like you are co-conscience. We too vote on things and make joint decisions, hold powwows, and work together....most of the time. But like all families, we have rivalries and rogue alters also.

A few of us is in denial, but you can't deny all the switching that takes place. It's like changing the dial on the radio sometimes! Lol

I would have to talk to a professional but I guess the is some Co consciousness, some take over when times are real tough for me. Like I simply do not remember most of the summer and before that I've had chunks of time loss. Of course I chalk it up to "migraines" which I do have but...

Okay....maybe not so co-con. I don't know if being able to talk to others is co-con?

For us, we are co-aware of the present (the lights are on), but all the memories leave with the other that was out leaving a blank spot. We don't have blackouts, just missing memories.

It seems like we barely have a past....I guess I wasn't the one out most of our life, actually, it's only been about a year for any length of time.

[peaches100]

I have personalities without names too. In order to keep track of who is speaking when, my t and I just refer to them as the angry child, the hurt child, the protector, the bad child, etc. She doesn't like me calling one of them "bad," but that is how it feels.

I think I may be getting a DDNOS diagnosis at some point. My t is still unsure about the extent of my dissociation because I hide it as best I can. I think for a while, when we were doing IFS, my t thought I just had normal parts of me, like everybody does. But as time goes on, she has seen more distinct parts of me show up.

I feel scared and ashamed having parts of me that don't feel like the normal me. I try my best to exercise control over these parts so nobody notices. I try to hold them out of view either to protect them because I know people won't understand, or because I feel so ashamed and embarrassed at the way they think, speak, and behave. Most of the time, unless I get triggered, I am able to prevent full-out dissociation. Sometimes, though, I can be aware of a struggle taking place between two parts, and it can go on for quite awhile. When that happens, I feel like I am in a zone and more of a spectator than participant. At those times, I look and feel like I am in a zone and not really present. But I do not lose complete awareness.

Right now, one of my diagnoses is C-PSTD, and my t says that dissociation is a feature of this. So it may not even be DDNOS, I don't know. I'm pretty sure that my dissociation is not to the degree that I would have a DID diagnosis because I don't actually "lose time" or suddenly "come to" in a place where I don't remember going. My losing time is more like zoning out, getting fuzzy, not noticing things in my visual field, not noticing how my body feels, or suddenly being hit with emotions or thoughts that feel like they come out of nowhere and don't match with the way I normally think and feel.

[Shaly78]

Don't allow him/her to get too relational with you about herself and family....That way you don't have to create an alter for that situation...You can block that by speaking about you or the system....If its only what you had for dinner last night night.....I'm not sure if you experience alters in most the way I do...I'm not even sure where you are on your journey, but no therapist can create dissociative identity disorder....Now there are therapist that will take approach starting off that is too intimidating for those really quiet clients.....Hopefully your therapist isn't eager to make you into a beautiful person or too passionate about her job....She can tell you psycho educate you but its up to you to accept your memories...I'm mean who else do you have to convince....Interested to know what you meant by therapist creating dissociative identity disorder....I'm sure the longer your there your memories will start to reveal itself you and will know before your diagnoses where ur switches and memories where...Most people go undetected and something usually puts them in therapy, then it gets worse as the host is revealed the inner world in a bountiful amount. Yea, its a hellva of label and people blame therapist for creating (creating scenes to trigger memory)....Its unfortunately and extremely complex to explain...I have people invalidating me for this very same reason that I can't explain every component. ...Just make sure if there is role playing that its clearing defined....Google therapist abuse and how therapist abuse their clients. I'm not talking about the obvious sex with a therapist, but their are other ways.

[(JD)]

Please do stick with your trauma specialist... and remember, that all of this is "you" it's still all you The brain is wonderful item God gave us... and the mind uses it to create personalities to handle the traumas we encounter when it's just too much for the conscious to imagine.... well something like that Dissociation is a gift that lets you keep living, imo.

Your other parts might have names but don't trust enough to share them. It doesn't matter... what they all need to know, what you need to know is that it's okay and you are loved, and they don't have to protect you like they used to ... but have a new role to learn for a great future life. Once the trust is there (which is why it's important to be able to stick with a T and trust over time) then the memories will slowly be allowed for you to review some... but you won't have to go through everything because as soon as the brain learns what you want to do with each type of memory, it continues to file them on it's own! How marvelous!

You can get through this. It's all okay.

[Spaceyspace]

Originally Posted by newday7121

Don't allow him/her to get too relational with you about herself and family....That way you don't have to create an alter for that situation...You can block that by speaking about you or the system....If its only what you had for dinner last night night.....I'm not sure if you experience alters in most the way I do...I'm not even sure where you are on your journey, but no therapist can create dissociative identity disorder....Now there are therapist that will take approach starting off that is too intimidating for those really quiet clients.....Hopefully your therapist isn't eager to make you into a beautiful person or too passionate about her job....She can tell you psycho educate you but its up to you to accept your memories...I'm mean who else do you have to convince....Interested to know what you meant by therapist creating dissociative identity disorder....I'm sure the longer your there your memories will start to reveal itself you and will know before your diagnoses where ur switches and memories where...Most people go undetected and something usually puts them in therapy, then it gets worse as the host is revealed the inner world in a bountiful amount. Yea, its a hellva of label and people blame therapist for creating (creating scenes to trigger memory)....Its unfortunately and extremely complex to explain...I have people invalidating me for this very same reason that I can't explain every component. ...Just make sure if there is role playing that its clearing defined....Google therapist abuse and how therapist abuse their clients. I'm not talking about the obvious sex with a therapist, but their are other ways.

I guess I can't really explain what I meant when i said "creating" the disorder in me simply. I guess per of it is that because it is her specialty I didn't want her to project it on me just for that reason. For example, years previews I was at a clinic with some sort of self proclaimed expert in bipolar disorder. I was having this weird behavior, slurring my words and she was so into the fact that I was some sort of special "atypical treatment resistant bipolar" whatever type of person. She was full of it. Full of herself.

Because of my insurance limitations, I am seen I large clinics and often get shuffled through lots of therapists mostlythrough no choice of my own. I can not afford to private pay. I never really read anything g online but I have always thought to myself that therapy would be a prime profession for abuse so I always have my guard up. The good thing about going to a clinic is that I do feel comfortable saying "I don't feel this is a right fit, please transfer me" if a therapist trips up my sensors. I have had to do this once after the first session.

[kecanoe]

Have you asked the teenager what she does and to tell you about it? It worked for me; one of my teens is now really helpful with the littles and the other is very good at letting people know that things are not ok.