intellectual elusion...

i feel so lost and alone...
why do i have to be so complicated...
why cant things just be typical..?

feel so alone... no body can really care or understand... because how... or why...
how can you care about something that you dont know... or when you look at it you dont understand... i know i am more angry at this all than everyone else... i know i must make the docs annoyed.... but im not trying to be complicated... its not my fault.... i didnt ask for my mind to act this ways...

my mind is not behaving... i think that i put myself into a type of trance....
but just sounds stupid right.... i just cant use all of my brain right now... it wont let me... i think i broke it some how and i just wanna fix it

if this was just a day or so i would not be like so worried....
but something has been very wrong for all year... this is 2016 so since begining of this year i know for a fact things have not been right... something i realized was super wrong.... but i at first made excuses for it... being sober for a year could have you feel weird i though... being sober can make anyone feel weird... but it was a different feelings... im locked up... in a barred room... chained... i feel like my mind is turned off, not off but im not with the mind because i just cant handle what i am... or what happened... but its taking too much... i think its killing me... i know things happened... so why shut down my brain...? this is just not fair....

im growing weak... well... im still trying.... but this is getting old... holding a lost cause... what am i protecting? its not helping anything... its in the end killing me... and i dont know even if there is anything left worth saving...
i am so broken...
i feel like i dont even want anyone to see me anymore... but i am afraid.. and dont want to give up... and i just try a little to learn.. look around... figure out something to do... but im not typical... im either really stupid or so smart i created a few paradox in this web of thoughts... and the paradox im having a hard time with... but it maybe that im just not so smart at all... and something really simple is causing a really large issue that should not exist at all...
i am really tired... i dont like talking about it because it makes me think about it... and when i think and i see things and i realize things it makes things bad...
because... when im thinking... so much is happening... and when im trying to think of how to say whats happening i am hit with even more...
must not let flashbacks come through.... i gag... so i spend so much to keep it away... i just really cant handle...
and i feel like how can you put this into words... how can you say it in a way that willd make sense.... i dont think i can put it into words what is happening... i dont know what it is and i just cant put words on it....
maybe im psychotic.... or maybe im really just not alive and this is all just an expression of things i should of done different...
my hell on life... learn from the mistakes grrr....
i want to explain in so much detail what im feelng... but i have so much fear of being ridicule.... i try to be careful what i say but my mind is not very clear lately so i seem to just sound like a complete idiot...
but i cant say how bad i just want to talk... someone to hear... and say they too know that stupid crazy paradoxs.... a feeling that maybe cant be explained with words...

i just dont know why im having to feel this... i think maybe i damaged part of my protection bariers in the mind so its like not able to block it so well as it used to.... damaged.. repaired... how ever you look at it...?
but i cant handle any of it right now... too much i have to prepare for to get through... cant have this too....
i pushing and pushing... obsessive and cant stop pushing to figure things out...
who would thought it would cause me to go insane... guess i should of known it could not be a good idea to force the psyche in different ways...
just afraid now i have broken or created a crack in a dam that will not stop until it bursts.... i cant handle the driplets what im going to do if it all comes at me at once... i will die, i know it will kill me....

im just tired of feeling so alone... T said that there are lots of others that feeling things like this too.... but i feel like know one can understand... not really know what im feeling... what im trying to say.... it hurts... and i dont know how helpful it can be to try to keep reaching out and maybe talking to someone...
just kind of want to know that im not the only one that is feeling like this.. so that i can realize that its real... and that its known... and that it can get better...

my mind is not functioning in the way its supposed to you know.... i dont know whats wrong with it... just makes it hard to try to pretend to be smart...
memory is dead... batery power is like 1%.... hard drive?????
it hurts so bad but i am here and then im there and its not the same... but when i remember and i remember... i dont want to remember... why things just cant be ok...? feel so stupid because i dont hear anyone else feeling these type of things... or maybe i am hearing and i just cant see that is what they are feeling too... im just really tired of the illusions... elusions... the manipulated self... how can you become so parceled...

im sorry i dont make much sense... im just wanting desperately to not be losing my mind... want things to stop and just be ok... i need to prepare for too much to be this now... why now...?
sorry... hard to write from an uneducated mind... some kind of crisis...
think im in crisis....

((((hugs es)))))

So sorry you are going through all this elevatedsoul.

I hope you can find some rest and peace very soon!

thanks....

sorry...

something is just really wrong with me...

frantic...
think i feel hysterical some time...
not trying to make anyone mad...

just know something is really wrong... and im trying...
but its a war.... im trying to not mess up...
but its near imposible when you cant think... cant focus... cant remember... anything... and angry, grrrrrrrr... so angry because of this breaking me...

how do you know whos hand to go with when you have 50 infinities pulling you in different roads...

im losing my mind... i not saying no one here doesnt understand...
because i dont know... but i do know that no one that i can see... that can see me... they dont understand... i dont think they can... im not sure anyone can because its all in my head... and its nor real...
but what is real anymore.... you know that feeling when you cant see through the rain, or when you are in such dark room that you cant see anything, put your hand in front and you feel that its there... but you have no proof... cant see it... start not to be able to feel it... lose yourself.... where did everyone go..? where did III go..?

ugh.... im reverting.... this what happens when you run out of options...

but im scared... because i wanted things to change.... i thought it could be fine, i just needed to focus.... stop medicating and self medicating and pretend with an illusion for a while... but then assuredly you will break and ... this... this happens... because you lied to yourself.... fool... you know...?

i just thought i could get by with simple depresion and anxiety, why did it have to complicate?
maybe i should of never looked for help.... no doctors... not sure if i would be alive right now due to over dose or some crazy shooting me or something...
but atleast i wouldnt be this.... like this whatever...

im sorry... im really tired.... and i cant do it anymore.... i break, its over, can stop torturing me please...

much loneliness and pain... but where do you go inbetween? how you can have this, and that... but you know... you lose the guide string along the way... it gets tangled and cut and split and mixed up and you dont know the way out or back...
eventually you forget what color the string is... and other strings are there from other peoples that are different colors... and you argue because you think its this one but cant remember and are mad because you also think it could be this one...

but im just here sitting in the middle now... with a scisor wanting to just cut them all and sit here for ever... why go anywhere.... every directions a trap... there is no espape...
so why not just sit here and stair at the ground... the rocks and bugs are atleast distracting more than the pain to try...

but i cant, i tell myself i have to keep going, i am just not believing the fruit anymore.. its not worth it, you know...
nothing happens but it gets worse... but its always been worse... just you start to see how worse it is... and then it really does get worse...

i dunno ... anymore... nothing makes sense and i feel like a stupid dumby trying to just ... i dont even know what im doing here anymore... is this what people do to reach out...?

i dont want attention... dont look at me.... just give me a rope please...
sorry....

these are my finals attempts at saving a soul... if i ever had a soul...
i think i know what a human is suposed to be... and im trying....

can i just add one more thing...
a big part of what is bothering me, is that it seems im just being a stupid idiot
i find myself somewhere else and realize that i have all these problems but for the past undetermined amount of time i was unaware even...
and it really pisses me off because if im just making stuff up i want to stop being a little cry baby ***** and go on with the other side where im just unaware and can be fine, whatever the hell happens in that state...

::edits::
hmm... i just cant seem to say what i want.. but i guess thats what happens when you are foncused(woah... confused..) and not know even the words... well... i really did enjoy little time i spent here on these forums... i never talk to anyone.... it was nice when i could... but now im a stupid mess... hehe its like cut someones hand off and tell them its always been like that over and over, you start to wonder... so when you tell yourself everything is normal over and over... you have to re learn what is not ok and what is not... like... you are not supposed to feel that way... stuff...

i know i cant hide it anymore... im just a crazy... but i feel like everyone is looking, and they are like.. no no no no you just want attention and your upset because you dont want to feel abandoned... and im just like dudes... i just wanna be left alone.... i just thought i could get better... i have NEVER wanted any attention from anyones... but now im in a place where people are staring and there is no way out, because i know i need help... and everyone else knows sometimg is wrong with me...



this is why i never talked before... i hate talking... but i dunno what im supposed to do now because there is no way out....
i just wonder if anyone knows what i mean... im going to forget again for some ... hours probably... and then come back and be like this sucks... but... i dunno... im tired...

please dont take me the wrong way.. dont take me ANY way... at all... i dont have any angles and dont want anything special...
its just hard... losing your mind.... and ... well... yeah.... all of that....

i know im not making sense... but my head.... im trying to do best i can...
you have to becareful not to make things worse... so easy... to just make everything bad bad bad bad.....

::
so hard to just try to bring myself to a place like this anymore...
how can i do what the therapist wants me to do and meet with others...
make myself sick...

::
one last edit because i keep forgetting what the hell i wrote here, none of this makes sense, so dont get mad at me for sounding like a complete moron -- keeping myself away with a steel chain and spikes

Don't worry I sound like that all the time. Just round and round in circles... If you're crazy...well then I'm right there w/ ya bub...we can be straight jacket twinkies! Yay!

thankz...
you know i would not care about being crazy, really.. like super super crazy crazy, like climbing the walls with toilet plungers and spitting on people saying im shooting them with spider webs, you know???
but im having so many issues that i cant even explain... and i dont even want to try because i feel like it would just make me sound stupid... not crazy.. but just stupid... and the last thing i want is to look stupid... or like i want attention... because just acting like you want attention can draw attention, even if people ignore you...
and i dont
so my words get twisted because of not wanting to say things this way or that... because im not going to look crazy.. im just going to look stupid, you know what i mean?
and im already so so so so down below what im suposed to be.. my brain is nooootttt worrrkinggggg grrrr...

how do you talk about something you want to talk about but cant, how do you say something that wont come out in words?

another bad part about simply being crazy is that you are simply not allowed to be crazy.... not by the outside but the inside doesnt want any problems... just leave me alone repeats... leave me alone.... but im not that stupid... i know there is a problem and i cant just let it go like nothing because something bad bad will eventually happen... and very soon it feels like....

so sad.... but when you disconnect and go away there is not anything to do, you just end up realizing that nothing has changed.. that you havent been able to make any progress, and that you are drunnkkk grrr.... but thats ok... atleast i am here....

but im so retarded... i know i just spent atleast probably the last 4 hours playing cards with myself, talking to myself, or arguing, intermittently ..
simply cant get a grip... everytime i think i do... i float away and end up in an arguement... then i get mad at myself for allowing something so stupid to happen and ... arguing with yourself? what a dumb stupid ... grrrr...

but i just trying to tell myself that im disconnecting so much that its causing things like that... and that its ok... i dont believe it... that its ok...
but no one else knows so no one else can tell me... its just taking too much to fight everything, me... inside... outside... them... the doctors... my head is spinning...

im just an idiot....
overwhelmed....
and its making me be foolish.... and i dont have the mental capacity to control whatever it is... because i slip out and the energy goes some where else and then i start to realize it and get mad because im already mad about other stuff so i just get mad about being mad and not even knowing .. what... blah....

i make myself sick... when its not flashbacks its MEE, when its not depression is MEEEEE, when its not panic attack or heart attack or any other kind of bloody thing is always me.... how stupid do you have to be to keep that up.... ugh

and here i am.... im here... im here....
so much pain....

Hi elevatedsoul,
Just wanted you to know you're not alone. I read all your post and it made perfect sense to me. I understand how crazy it all feels. My brain broke long ago. I live with it fragmented, pieces floating to the surface unexpectedly, throwing me off balance. Some things i know, other things i "know". Knowing makes me ill, sick, weakling. Through therapy, i've tried to grow strength in the everyday so the illness is smaller. I still cant look at or hear the blackness. Im scared it will grow the illness again. Everyday stuff has to be strongest - thats the only way i'll survive. I hope Im making sense to you.
Take care, talk to your T. You can pm me anytime if you like, if you want to write your story to someone to get it out. You wont burden me.
Thinking of you,
kp

thanks..

all this was long time coming i guess...
sobering up for a while and ceasing self medicating... then jumping out of the clinic that was trying to treatment just seemed to expedite.. maybe...
i would of stayed in treatment last time its just they misdiagnosed me with bipolar and was just drugging me up and wouldn't listen to me trying to tell them why i think its not bipolar at all even when i tried to plead a little that they reconsider what they think im experiencing... i was on a lot of medication and it wasn't helping and they wouldn't listen so what else do you do when you have been compliant and trying there ways and stuff...
and then they tell you that you are non-compliant because you are not doing what they tell you ..? but you are doing what they say? i really think the pdoc was becoming senile.. and i think towards the last year in treatment he was getting aggravated with me because nothing seemed to help and it was getting worse and stuff... i quit going like towards the end of last year and i was out for like, 4-6 months? then i am running back lol... shame... but atleast another psychologist concurred with me that i dont have bipolar and hopefully they will listen to me more this time... just hope that they can help... cause it feels like no one can help...

just really didnt think my past was the cause for all of my problems.. guess thats kind of a foolish thing to think though...
but i guess when you self medicate from such a young age you kind of cant tell...

im used to flashbacks, its just they are becoming much more than just flashback
intensity...
fight to pull yourself out of there...

i dont know how to deal with it.. and i guess i just have to try to learn how to do something i was supposed to learn when i was a little kid...
i just really dont know how you know ?
and i guess that its causing so much dissociation that i dunno whats going on...
even though i've done the same thing my whole life, its just different now for some reason... like.. dunno how to put it in words...

the illusion is falling apart i guess, the ... imaginary world i lived in for ever is falling apart... and the real world is trying to come in and i cant handle it... the past... i keep losing myself... its so hard... im trying... i just dont know what to do... just keep trying i guess.... even though seems like im not getting anywhere and its taking me over...
but what else can you do... im just tired... and i just wish that everything could just be fine like i tried to make it... dunno why it failed and this has to happen to me... guess you cant control everything...

i dunno what to believe anymore...
think im driving myself crazy... but im not trying to, it just wont go away...

ugh

i guess when you cant accept the things that you know happened, when those things make you feel so... broken, icky, disturbed, confused, angry... blablabla
you just lose it, how do you let it go? i simply can't accept it and am so angry that these things happened to me, but im not and i am and i am not and what happened again? grrrr then you disapear and come back confused and it just driving me crazy... my memory is not working at all right now so im outside of time and its hard to keep up with the date and things that im supposed to do and you just start to feel so pathetic because... everyone around you is moving forwards... and you are like... where the hell?
its like waking up 30 years later and feeling like... everythings different.. you dont know anyone anymore because they all changed... i dunno, its just stupid... lonely... alone.. but its a dark secret that i have to keep because no one can understand... and even if i tried to tell them they wouldnt know what to do so whats the point... i just want to do something to try to make things a little better before its too late..

i guess one little stone at a time... guess atleast i have figured out that its all because of my traumatic upbringing/life

You sound like you want to be herd but, wish you didn't need to speak at all! I don't pretend to know what you've been through or what you are goin' through. However, I know how fear and irrationality can trigger dissociation..
The idea that people aren't liked, aren't normal, aren't accepted etc... places ever increasing amounts of stress on the mind, and the mind can crack and eventually brake.
I have feared reality, "like a splinter in the mind" to the point that anxiety forced me to dissociate from what was really there (reality) leading me to a world that had no form, sound - although I was there?!
Back to the original point, inorder to beat dissociation you need to beat you own fears whether that's through talking to a psychologist; reaffirming her you are or just believing in hope I know that my schizophrenia was beaten not by meds (which I no long need) but by my drive to learn about the world around me powered by belief..
I think therefore, I am!!