difficult night yesterday.

lots of helusinations and stuff (it was horrible!)

we are glad it's over

and yes, still suicidal

[lucidity11]

The last time I was truly suicidal was several years ago. I was working and during work I was having severe panic attacks. Over and over again. At the time I didn't know they were panic attacks. I just thought I was losing my mind. Sitting in my car curled up in a ball listening to a train passing I asked god to save me from myself. I ended up seeing a psychologist who told me I was having panic attacks and not losing my mind. I started anxiety and antidepressant meds which helped a little. But I was still having panic attacks and suicidal thoughts. I just couldn't figure out the point of my existence. I kept thinking I needed to get somewhere. After spending sometime reading philosophy, in particular Camus, and taking with my psychologist I realized I didn't need to get anywhere. That the point to my existence was to learn. That's it. To learn, to live and to be grateful for the opportunity while I have it. So even through the discovery of being DID and hardship in my life I keep moving. Right now I am grateful for my life and the good things about living. so far, have accepted the hardships as part of my life, but they do not define my life. I am more than my hardships.

not sure...

good, but bad.

we're not upset or anything, but most of the time today we don't even know who's typing (very confusing)

the last email we sent looked well confusing for us, so good luck to the person who we sent it too.

turns out the person ignored the "us", and "we," and all that stuff. think they thought everything was normal

(you know we actually hate that?), a "hi all", or something would have at least made us understand they were aware of our condition

not bad today. found 2 new tv series to watch (and not triggering ones either, result!)

and just chilling

We are just plugging away like usual freaking out in private...the world spins too fast...

[woods girl]

Trying so hard to stay calm, but it's been a rough day and even my T is fed up with me...

[Luce]

I can't do any study work because someone little is crying and terrified. I am fine - I feel fine. But someone here obviously does not.
I have an overwhelming amount of study to get done over the next ten weeks (so much that even with working on it for several hours a night I will not be able to get it all done) but I still can't do *any* of it because ?? some one little is scared of something??
How am I gonna stop this sh**?

back to feeling depressed

suicidal..

but we're not going to do anything, because we promised someone that we wouldn't

we cut our arm yesterday

feeling hopeless

10 30 in the morning and we're not even dressed.

plus we did **** all with our day yesterday, wonder why we bothered being alive at all?

I watch the dreams of Others....and I feel like I barely slept all week.

[catman8989]

Trying to fight what's real and what isn't.

[Luce]

See new t for third time tomorrow. do I even bother to tell her I have DID? She doesn't have an effing clue what it is anyway. it all seems pretty pointless really.

we're feeling pretty positive.

tonight someone on another website would like to talk to us in private chat and get to know us, all of us. we spoke to her before and she wants to help.

(this is on the same site that, a few days ago, we dissed on yet another forum)

[Luce]

The new t is a complete waste of time. She has no freaking clue. Yes I am grumpy. we were going to tell her about DID today but she is so dumb we didn't bother. how can a t be so dumb???? its so frustrating cos we are in such a bad place and time matters!!! but we can't see the lady who might be able to help us til the end of November, and we cant even find out if that novermber t knows about dissociation cos the stupid t cant even get the words right to ask her!!!!!! wh ydoes she have to be so dumb???

and that stupid stupid t was asking ME questions about things I dont know anything about but she is so stupid I couldn't even tell her she was asking the wrong person all I could do was look dumb. I tell her I dissociate and she says so how does this disassociation affect you and I wanna yell at her disassociation doesn't affect me you dumbass I keep telling you that!!!

we watched stuart little again

that movie brings us to tears, in a good and bad way at the same time. if we want a good cry, we watch stuart little

well another crap weekend over I guess... same old struggles, same lack of support and the week starts on... wait for it, yes, another night with no sleep.

I guess things could be worse. at least we're not feeling too suicidal today, (yet)

not the greatest week so far

we feel like we've lost about 3 or 4 months? (well, we've not, we posted here what was it... sunday, I think?. or did we post here monday)

anyway that explains our absense from the forum yesterday- we were so confused

no sleep and being anxious about everything that happens to cross our path

not so much suicidal, though we have started looking in to people to talk to about final requests/ funeral arangements (we did that before, but had to stop)

better luck this time, I guess

[Claritytoo]

I started working working for a seasonal position at a place I worked for before. Even though the pay is **** I think the structure and familiarity is having a positive effect on our system. For the last few years we have felt unreal. This job is helping us to feel like we are in the world again

it's not even the end of october yet, and we're struggling with god dam fireworks outside our window (we wish we could ban fireworks, we'll post a thread about it)

in turn it's made us anxious and unsure about stuff

[Luce]

We hate fireworks and firework season too. Here they only sell them from the 1st of Nov, but they go on for weeks afterwards. I hate them for different reasons tho. Must be so awful when they are a trigger for you. Sorry you have to deal with that.

Originally Posted by Luce

We hate fireworks and firework season too. Here they only sell them from the 1st of Nov, but they go on for weeks afterwards. I hate them for different reasons tho. Must be so awful when they are a trigger for you. Sorry you have to deal with that.

and what do you do to drown them out?

or how do you cope with them

give us some tips..?