only real plan for today (accept for feeling guilty and upset), is to have our chinese takeaway

deserve to treat ourselves we think

[Luce]

Today - and yesterday, and the day before - we were supposed to do write ups for our study. We have around 30 that were due, like last year. The plan was to do 10 write ups and corresponding illustrations over these three days. I have three illustrations and two write ups. There have been a lot of different things going on - here and elsewhere, and several different ones have been out, taking up the time that SHOULD have been spent studying. I don't know how to make this work.

[TrailRunner14]

Happy Birthday SS!!! I hope your day is great! Enjoy the Chinese!

[childofchaos831]

Mmmm Chinese takeout sounds yummy! Happy bday!

[TrailRunner14]

It's been a hard few days. I feel like I've been very whiny. Yuck!

My counselor told me tonight that he is changing his office location. He's considering 2 places. One, I believe, would be ok. ? Maybe. The other location he is looking at scares me because of where it is located.

His office is so nice and safe. Neutral colors. Calming pictures. The Lilly, that is the perfect mom. The big silk plant that is my intimidating dad. The picture of the fish on the wall that I focus on when I'm about to go away.

The pictures of the gates and bridge that reminds me of the trail.

The picture in his waiting area that looks like the white birch trees on my trail. That are very pretty.

I guess you have to grow up at some point. I just wasn't quite ready just yet to do that. It feels like my safe place is going away.

I am bigger than this. Right?

so, I never had chinese (place was closed)

ashame really, but I was still able to order a takeaway (just chicken in sted), I had some fried chicken- some chicken wings and some chips

glad it's all over though if i'm honest.

Possible trigger:

my life is still going nowhere, I'm still suicidal, still unsure of myself, what exactly did yesterday prove

ended up crying over the whole thing

again up all night, and no matter how many times I am, it still feel weird being awake at 3 A.M in the morning (we always wonder to ourselves if we are the only people who are), but then remember the diffrent time zones and emergency services and feel less bad

we had a lovely fruit salad for breakfast today

[ruh roh]

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

It's been a hard few days. I feel like I've been very whiny. Yuck!

My counselor told me tonight that he is changing his office location. He's considering 2 places. One, I believe, would be ok. ? Maybe. The other location he is looking at scares me because of where it is located.

His office is so nice and safe. Neutral colors. Calming pictures. The Lilly, that is the perfect mom. The big silk plant that is my intimidating dad. The picture of the fish on the wall that I focus on when I'm about to go away.

The pictures of the gates and bridge that reminds me of the trail.

The picture in his waiting area that looks like the white birch trees on my trail. That are very pretty.

I guess you have to grow up at some point. I just wasn't quite ready just yet to do that. It feels like my safe place is going away.

I am bigger than this. Right?

It's hard when they move, even when they take all their things with them to the new place. Mine moved several months ago and there was a panic inside about how to get in and out of the new building, but it turned out to be a lot better than any of us (therapist included) expected. So, there is hope it will be okay and maybe even bring something good that you didn't expect.

[TrailRunner14]

Thank you!! He has moved before about a year or two, not sure how long. I knew where his new place basically was. I still panicked and got lost going there the first time. I'm going to hope for the best. Your words encourage me!

Does anyone know how to find a support group in my area for dissociation? I'm not sure what one would be called so Google really isn't a help.

I woke up this morning with a realization in my mind that I can't deny what I have experienced. Maybe it would help if there were other people, besides my counselor, that I could talk to that understand and have had the same experiences.

ETA: I'm so thankful you guys are here! I am looking for a local group to be a part of, so I'm not so isolated with this.

[ruh roh]

I don't know how to find a support group for dissociation, and I may be remembering this incorrectly, but I think my therapist once said there are some people who who spend a lot of time focused on the disorder and others who focus more on functioning. Also, you may have those who want integration and those who don't (I don't), so it's not that easy. That's an oversimplification, but I think what she was pointing at was that you can have people with really different needs and it's hard to find a good match in terms of support.

[Claritytoo]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

I don't know how to find a support group for dissociation, and I may be remembering this incorrectly, but I think my therapist once said there are some people who who spend a lot of time focused on the disorder and others who focus more on functioning. Also, you may have those who want integration and those who don't (I don't), so it's not that easy. That's an oversimplification, but I think what she was pointing at was that you can have people with really different needs and it's hard to find a good match in terms of support.

Also all the triggering information that would be happening would be difficult to prevent. Nothing could be discussed.

[Claritytoo]

Today I got my pension check. Good thing because I had zero money and was running out of tuna to eat. So I paid bills and will have to squeeze enough out to be able to pay for food for the rest of the month. It will be very tight this month. But on the bright side it's a short month.

[TrailRunner14]

I agree Ruh Roh. There is such a spectrum of this and so many ways of looking at it and dealing with it.

Claritytoo that makes such common sense, I feel silly that it has not occurred to me. What a train wreck that would be.

[bornunderabadsign]

I'm breathing.

[Luce]

Where there is breath there is life.
Where there is life, there is hope.

Originally Posted by Luce

Where there is breath there is life.
Where there is life, there is hope.

this is a good thing to remember

thanks

[childofchaos831]

Spaced out while driving yesterday.... came to just in time to slam on the brakes to keep from hitting the car in front of me... skidded, screeched... scared the crap out of me...

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by childofchaos831

Spaced out while driving yesterday.... came to just in time to slam on the brakes to keep from hitting the car in front of me... skidded, screeched... scared the crap out of me...

Glad you are ok! It's happened to me before. It will shake you up!

[TrailRunner14]

Well. Still in a weird place about my counselor moving his office. I've wanted to email him today and ask him if he had decided which location he was going with. I was afraid to.

Trying to sort that out. Maybe I'm afraid he's chosen the bad place and I just don't want to face that. ? Then I think he will think I'm too clingy and needy.

I actually pulled up a website that had pictures of his office on it. There was the chairs and the plants. My safe place. It almost made me cry. It did make me very sad. I do feel clingy and needy and whiny.

Started reading a book to take my mind off of it. I've read through half of it and "it's" still here.

Why do I feel abandonment? Why do I feel angry at myself because I do feel needy and clingy?

I HATE this!!!

[bornunderabadsign]

I feel like I'm a burden. The people who know about my DID don't really understand. My mom seems to be the only one who tries to understand. The rest either are too young or don't care enough to seem me as anything but strange. I know it is tough and I feel like I need to say I'm sorry when I'm not myself or rather this version of myself.

I miss my T. And when I say that I mean the only one who I ever really considered my T. I've had a few but most of them just didn't connect with me. I think it may have been my fault. I feel like I'm too much of a hassle to deal with and that is why I can't really seem to keep friends. Maybe that was the problem. The T that I liked so much was more of a friend then the others. He was like a friend that understood and had the ability to help me through it. But it still makes me feel like a burden.

Why do I feel like I'm a burden and why does that make me feel so guilty. I guess I will know in time.

all I can say is, what a crap week (and it's still not over)

the moments I remember were just wasted, and the ones I don't... well it's nothing new

life continues

[OliverB]

On the appointment I had this Tuesday with my psychotherapist I couldn't tell him what problems I was having because I was too dissociated I didn't remember them -.-

I see him tomorrow again-

[Luce]

Write them down!! Sometimes when we do that the one who is out sometimes remembers to look at the note (it sure ain't foolproof!). If they remember and can read the note to the therapist it can get the ball rolling.

I am just glad it's friday

signals the end of another bad week

side note: I don't know why I actually say this, because in reality, it leads in to a bad weekend (and nothing ever changes, so it could actually be the
same week)

I guess I say it for something to say

I have a craving for KFC (at 9 45 A.M in the morning)

oh well. it is far too early to have 1, and I can't go their because of my agoraphobia anyway.

so I guess bring on the candy

I don't really feel too bad about it, I did have fruit for breakfast