had some really horrible violnet family stuff go on yesterday.

saw them all in my room shouting and cursing at me (and couldn't even get to the other side because I felt someone punch me to the chest)

didn't sleep surprise surprise

today i'm actually feeling quite creative.

for some reason, I have in my head a story idea about a boy called richard who wins big at a tv game show, so i'm going to write a few chapters before it vanishes.

(maybe just 1 chapter)

[Luce]

I hope you are keeping yourself safe over there, SS.

[TrailRunner14]

I'm sitting at my kitchen bar looking outside through the glass. It's sunny and beautiful. The breeze is blowing the leaves on the plants. I can't hear them, but I'm sure the birds are singing in the Natchez craep outside the window of the reading room.

I'm inside, behind the glass of the window. I can't hear or feel it. I can't experience it. Just see it.

It feels a lot like I feel now. Inside, behind the glass - looking, seeing, feeling nothing.

I don't want to stay like this!

I want to feel the breeze on my skin, and the sun on my face. I want to smell the grass and hear the birds.

[possum220]

I have been attending a therapy group and finding it exhausting to impossible to stop the alts from switching and moving to the forefront............ Sometimes I don't manage it.

[TrailRunner14]

My heart is sad.

we have done nothing, and it is almost the afternoon.

what amazes us is how quick the day goes, and how little we do

need to order our groceries this afternoon, and then we are seeing our mental health worker.

[Claritytoo]

I went to session and tried to tell my entire life story in 45 min. I ran over. My t was good about it. I did not intend to tell her anything but my cup was full and I had to let it out. After session I went to my car and sobbed over not seeing my grandsons, my son, my life. It felt good to dump all that out and my t was good about it. I made an appointment for next week. I want to remember session and t. I have to pay out of pocket so I will not be able to go again after next week until next month. But it's ok.

[bornunderabadsign]

I worry sometimes that my flashbacks are not real. I don't know would be worse; discovering that my flashbacks are real or that I'm delusional.

The past two days haven't been all that great. I've been a passenger in this body and I've experienced so much cross over when it comes to thoughts. I don't know how it is with other people but I have others that I really empathize with and others that terrify me.

Originally Posted by bornunderabadsign

I worry sometimes that my flashbacks are not real. I don't know would be worse; discovering that my flashbacks are real or that I'm delusional.

The past two days haven't been all that great. I've been a passenger in this body and I've experienced so much cross over when it comes to thoughts. I don't know how it is with other people but I have others that I really empathize with and others that terrify me.

I just posted about this in the questions: thread

most of my parts are terrifying, but their's also alicia.

sweet little 9 year old who just wants a mommy and I feel bad for her

we were asked yesterday out of the blue:

so do you have any male alters?

we just responded as best we could: we used to be aware of 1 male alter, but he's no longer present.

felt pretty good yesterday (well, the best day of the week for us so far), even if it wasn't that great.

we can't believe we actually felt present and in the moment, but didn't actually do anything.

the 1 time we can get on with stuff we choose to waste

but we did get groceries in the afternoon

[Claritytoo]

yesterday after session I felt tired and emotionally drained. Today I feel melancholy and somewhat depressed. I see my t next week maybe I should wait another week. My new t is a social worker with a lot of experience. She is around my age. She doesn't know much about DID but she has worked with ptsd. Which I also have. Right now I think it's a good fit. She talked about making me feel safe while in session. It's a good start. Of course I don't completely safe. I told her a lot last session which surprised me. I need her to know I have a system but that i am not crazy. amanda mentioned something about how her alters deiced to integrate. It's an interesting perspective. It's logical. As odd as this may sound to some I find most of my system based in logic. My parts were created to handle things that might have destroyed the whole. They were created with a logical response to avoiding physical and or emotional death. What amanda said is logical. maybe logic is the path to helping our parts release their pain and memories and integrate. maybe.

thinking of just telling our friend from holand that we are DID

I think she's slowly discovering something isn't quite right anyway

we hate telling people, but

[TrailRunner14]

Today is my dads birthday.

feeling a little triggered because while we were looking at the new cd releases of the week, we saw all the mother's day stuff had been released.

including an album " to the best mum ever"

yeah, right. certainly not ours

[Claritytoo]

My mother passed two years ago at 93. My son and I are no longer speaking because he assaulted me, so now I don't trust him. I miss him and I love him with my life but I don't trust that he has my best interests in mind. It's weird because who is he in my life. Someone I love but will never trust. It's like having nothing. it makes me feel like Im floating just thinking about it. I have had people in my life that I loved but eventually couldn't trust. It's not the same when it is your son.

Originally Posted by Claritytoo

My mother passed two years ago at 93. My son and I are no longer speaking because he assaulted me, so now I don't trust him. I miss him and I love him with my life but I don't trust that he has my best interests in mind. It's weird because who is he in my life. Someone I love but will never trust. It's like having nothing. it makes me feel like Im floating just thinking about it. I have had people in my life that I loved but eventually couldn't trust. It's not the same when it is your son.

I am sorry to hear about your mother.
((((hugs))))))
random observation: you've only given 6 hugs?

we are just waiting for ant and dec to start.

(our saturday night entertainment show, at least for the next 6 weeks)

nothing out the ordenary happened today.

boring and depressing day.

[TrailRunner14]

Ya know. I'm really tired of trying to be ok for everyone else.

I'm tired of the struggling to make things safe for me and my boys that are everything to me.

I'm tired of being the strong one that makes everything ok.

I'm tired of being bashed for what I'm trying to work through.

I'm tired.

I want to say I'm done but I don't know how. That's not acceptable. Things have to be ok. Things have to appear that all is well. I have to be accommodating and agreeable.

I don't know what to do with this.

[TrailRunner14]

I'm not in a good place. I keep seeing this and I want to put it somewhere.

*** Triggering ***

I'm seeing me with every ugly word that the h has yelled at me, written in red sharpie marker on my skin. They are like tattoos that burn and I just want him to look at them and see them. DON'T LOOK AWAY!! See them!! Acknowledge them. Understand that you put them there.

Verbal and emotional abuse is no worse than actually physically harming someone. It does actually harm. Just because you don't see the physical result does not mean that it is not there. It remains longer than the physical.

I never even watched my saturday night entertainment show yesterday, was too depressed to even bother

I watched it today though on catch up. honestly wasn't that exciting (though that's probably because i'm so depressed)

it is rainging outside

really hard

about the only good thing about today

[Aardwolf]

haven't moved more than 10 feet today the floor is Lava

I feel like I'm in the after effects of an emotional breakdown like after a big cry or emotional upheaval- exhausted. The memories are screaming blurry like in a vague dream but the distress feels real.

Just want to sit and stare.

[childofchaos831]

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

Verbal and emotional abuse is no worse than actually physically harming someone. It does actually harm. Just because you don't see the physical result does not mean that it is not there. It remains longer than the physical.

Thank you... I think this is part of the reason behind our history of self harm... to make it visible... our T believes our C- and DID are a result of being raised by a narcissistic mother... we really never received any form of love or caring, other than the basics of food, water and shelter. The mother still thinks that is okay, while we are here, still struggling to function day to day.

Emotionally exhausted....verge of crying.....depressed....sure not a bipolar thing. An Other is hurt.....

wishing I didn't have to live through another week.

at least not like this

you know all I did yesterday was eat and watch stuff i've seen like 100 times over?