totally forgot today was a bank holiday

totally forgot it was may first

(nearly half the year gone all ready. wow)

and I have nothing to show for it

kinda sucks seeing as at the beginning of the year I thought this year might be better (but who am i kidding)

got a lot of tv to catch up on, but right now can't be bothered

still dealing with a lot of memories

heard from tara again yesterday

she said she's needing less and less help from the physical therapist, and should be up and about again fully soon

not much else to say

feel crap

[Solnutty]

Feeling kinda stuck. Got triggered yesterday at my Celebrate recovery meeting-- it was testimony night and the speaker was describing their awful childhood. I didn't expect to have a reaction because I haven't had a reaction like that before when listening to others. Got my Dissociation headache--all dizzy and sick, shallow breathing. I could hear Sire very upset in my head. I really should have got up but I stayed. Oye. Today Sire just wants to sit in the garage and smoke his tobacco and listen to his music. I hate being stuck. I find it hard to have those internal meetings my t taught me when I'm stuck like this.

[dlantern]

4 hours still kicks us in the hinny making the fair prognosis from our pdoc a reality that I've grown to accept being a system working with a disability. I'm doing okay working an easy job not like before there is still a need to share although I don't know how you all can't because there is always something to send you into oblivion to where someone's responsibility is blatant missed. At least, though someone goes to get it and we return to the floor for the hiccup to be fixed.

I'm on this sleep regimen I cant for the life of us stay away once home by noon from the bed. It's a early role as we work well being early folks with huge amounts of switching it can get tiring. We affirm ourselves well but have to do huge amounts of reframing and grounding which can cause you not to accept reality. A reality that there is still going to be symptoms, hence fair so being gentle is not what we all want because it then seems too mushy. Most wont even consider the notion so we can still be hard on ourselves. I like that trade off I just don't let on to that with most folks.

[anais_anais]

Not good

[anais_anais]

better.... somewhat...

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by anais_anais

better.... somewhat...

I hope you cycle through it and find a safe place.

just, "alive"

all we can really say about ourselves for now

no real change.

just here

sort of freaked out today.

was getting ready for my flight back to england and I couldn't find my passport or anything.

here I am thinking well.. i'll be eating on the plain later, and crying because I miss the hotel, i'm not even at a hotel, i'm not even in barcelona!

I said to someone today... i'm in england arn't I and they said yes, you're in england, and my face went bright red and i'm like.. oh no, i'm sorry... I never checked in to a hotel did I.

crazy, especially as i've never even been to barcelona

their like it's okay though, don't be embarrassed

you know what it is..

1 of my parts yolanda is spanish, and can speak the language

she keeps convincing the rest of us we're in spain

I have a head ache.

thankfully not much of 1 though, just a bit.

today I almost broke a key on my keyboard, wrote a really important email and then the internet went down and I lost it all (so bashed the key so hard it got stuck down!)

thankfully I was able to fix it though and now it's working okay

raining outside which is cool. at least I won't have to deal with any heat today
at least I didn't think I was in some far off country today, getting ready to fly back to the UK

scary when that happens

toooo brite today!

affecting my mood terribly.

not to mention it probably means that later on it will be really hot and i'll have to use my fan

ugg

Our only day off. Sunday routine, sleep in- check, breakfast/online- check, Todo: shopping, mowing, laundry, cleaning, wash dog, bedding, defurring, floors, shower.....rest to Monday.

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

Our only day off. Sunday routine, sleep in- check, breakfast/online- check, Todo: shopping, mowing, laundry, cleaning, wash dog, bedding, defurring, floors, shower.....rest to Monday.

how do you do it

it sounds like you get more done in a day than we do in 1 year

seriously...

we envy you for actually having energy

and sleep. wow.

what was that again. it's been so long

still very summary outside.

sucks so badly

[TrailRunner14]

It's 12:30 and I need to go to bed.

It's been a hard day, externally and internally, and I don't want to wake up "off". In my heart I know my dreams are going to take me somewhere that I won't remember when I wake up. It distresses me.

I hate this!! I can't get to the other side without it though. Right?

Please say a prayer that it won't be as bad as I'm dreading! Last night was off. There are too many things at one time.

I'm so very thankful for my family here with me right now. I'm going to focus on that and pray that I dream of that!!

Night.

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

It's 12:30 and I need to go to bed.

It's been a hard day, externally and internally, and I don't want to wake up "off". In my heart I know my dreams are going to take me somewhere that I won't remember when I wake up. It distresses me.

I hate this!! I can't get to the other side without it though. Right?

Please say a prayer that it won't be as bad as I'm dreading! Last night was off. There are too many things at one time.

I'm so very thankful for my family here with me right now. I'm going to focus on that and pray that I dream of that!!

Night.

hope you get a good sleep.

1 thing's for sure it will be more than I got last night (none)

feeling pretty present today.

so, i'm extremely depressed and barely functioning, but hey.. I guess the upside is that i've not lost any time yet today

not as brite today too, which is a plus

[anais_anais]

Anais is not doing well these few weeks

I didn't know it was May until a few days ago so I hadn't turned in my April timesheets, which means I don't get paid til mid-June. I also hadn't paid rent. I didn't know what day it was on Friday so I missed a rehearsal and got fired from that orchestra because of it. I am so heartbroken, it makes me feel like I'm lazy and irresponsible, but that's not what I am at all. It is what my manager and the conductor see, though, when I am inexplicably not there.

I saw my Tuesday students today and kept commenting "since I haven't seen you in three weeks...." No one said anything until one finally said "Miss Anais, you saw me last week!"

I didn't believe them but sure enough.... there in their practice notebook were notes from me dated May 2, and before that, April whatever. I have no recollection of it at all. I hope my students know I care. I feel like since I don't remember, they might assume I don't care. But I love them so much.

[anais_anais]

Now I am remembering that one of the students had a big crying episode last week. So I was there. I'm too mixed up.

[Solnutty]

I got a job and I'm working for the first time in a few years. This should be interesting.

[childofchaos831]

We see our t tomorrow... last week was rough. Panic attack with dissociation. Couldn't bring myself back. The week since has been lots of time loss for me... hmph. Don't wanna go.

[TrailRunner14]

My mom is having a heart cath tomorrow. I just spent the past hour in the garage crying through flashbacks. I don't really have words.

If it's your inclination, please say a prayer for her that it will relieve the issue she is struggling with.

This is heart rending and takes me to places I don't want to be.

If it's ok, may I please ask for a prayer for me too?